Well...looks like Santa once again won't be bring me what I really want for Christmas. :(

8 DPO

So I estimate that I am approximately 8 DPO now. So far nothing in the way of symptoms other than the normal AF-type cramps. I am really starting to lose hope. Dr. Google is pretty much my worst enemy at this point. I read about so many women claiming to have symptoms 3-4DPO and here I am 8DPO with nada! Other than the on-off AF cramps, I am completely bone dry "down there" (sorry TMI), no CM whatsoever! Further evidence that we are likely out this month. I can try to deny it all I want, but I see this ending in one of three possible ways: 1) AF arrives before I even have a chance to test. 2) AF doesn't arrive but BFN. And finally, the last option and the one I am most hoping for, 3) AF doesn't arrive BFP! Anyone who has followed my blog at all knows it is not uncommon for me to miss periods (sometimes months at a time, thanks PCOS), but I want to miss a period because I'm actually pregnant. In the Past when I have missed a period, I always get my hopes up and start thinking, just maybe...which inevitably leads to the heartbreak of a BFN. No, if I'm not pregnant I would rather AF go ahead and show her ugly face, otherwise it is a sick, twisted, cruel joke that the universe is playing at my expense.

I don't know how I am going to wait 2+ weeks to finally test. Yeah, I know I could test in a few days, but I have made a decision to wait until after the holidays have passed. The last thing I need is to be depressed on Christmas. So unless I really start developing symptoms I don't see that changing. I am ashamed to admit that I am the woman who continually touches her boobs during the 2WW to see if they are getting sore - so far nothing. :(  I just really hate this. There is so much riding on this because I reeeeeallly don't want to go to that RE next month. I don't want to start down that scary, uncertain path, but if that's where I end up then I guess it's the best place for me (for us). I just feel so much pressure this time around because I figure this is our last hoorah, so speak; our last chance to try naturally.

I was watching a documentary last night about a woman who was 55 (DH 64) and pregnant with her first child after 12 years of trying and numerous failed IVF attempts. At first glance you have to admire this woman's tenacity; she never gave and finally after so many years was blessed with her storybook happy ending - a beautiful, healthy baby boy born free of any complications. Obviously, having a pregnancy later in life brings about potential health risks for both mother and baby, but both were fine and baby was perfect. Now, I am watching this and thinking, "well, if she got pregnant at 55 I guess I am looking pretty good over here;" My 28-year-old eggs > than her 55-year-old eggs. I thought, "well, if she succeeded after all that time there's gotta be hope for me, right? Right?!?!" Then the terror hit and I thought, "God, I hope DH and I aren't still sitting here childless in 12+ years with both our hope and bank account drained. Honestly, even the possibility of that outcome is absolutely terrifying to me! But this woman fought tooth and nail to finally see her dream of motherhood realized and who are we to begrudge her that?!

I continue to hope for our storybook ending...

Poll: OK, so I know I said there was no way I'm going to change my mind about testing before the holidays, but I'm curious, who thinks I should go ahead and test and who thinks it would be best to wait? Thoughts? Opinions? Anybody? I want to hear what YOU have to say...

Another encounter with a fertile....

So as the title says, I had another encounter with a fertile today. I hadn't planned on writing about it, but now I am too frustrated not to, I need to get my feelings out! Fertiles can be so insensitive, and I'm sorry to say, ignorant! My first mistake was engaging this person in the first place. I should have just let it roll on by but no, I just had to say something. Let me set the scene for you. So she says something on FB about how all these women need to stop posting their pregnant belly and baby pictures because they are giving her baby fever. Instead of letting it lie there like would have been best for me, I responded: "you think YOU have baby fever (emphasis on the you)! She then responds back with, "oh, sorry, I know you want one as bad as I do, probably even more.." Ok, first of all, probably?! There is no probably about it! She then goes on to brag about how she finally convinced her husband that they should start trying for a boy and she is very excited! Oh, how wonderful it must be to know that you can have sex one month and be pregnant the next. But no, it doesn't stop there. I then keep going with: "I am partial to a boy for our first, but honestly, I don't care what we get as long as we are blessed with at least one happy, healthy child. I"m not picky. " She then follows up with: "Yeah, I used to say the same thing, but after two girls I have been praying really hard for a boy." Are you serious?! I wanted to shout back with, "Well, I have been praying really hard for a child period!" Boy, talk about being ungrateful for what you already have. She has two beautiful little girls and yet all she can do is whine about how badly she wants a boy. The audacity and sheer ignorance of people just astounds me sometimes. This woman seriously needs to get a clue! Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive here, but I really felt as though she was rubbing her fertility and ability to reproduce at will right in my face. I definitely sensed a "I'm better than you" vibe going. This is the same woman that also said, "I feel sorry for women who have trouble conceiving, I really do, but there is a reason for it." Really?! Well, I don't know about anyone else but I'd sure be curious to know what this REASON is, especially from this woman who clearly has all the answers. You ever notice how the women who utter brainless things like this have no idea what it's like to be "fertily challenged?" Oh, but wait, it gets worse, I scowled down to see another comment that said something along the lines of, "it took us 3 years to get pregnant but I definitely don't want anymore. I am happy with the one we ended up with. I hated being pregnant."  Wow, seriously?! I know it's not my place to judge but this caught by surprise coming from a fellow IFer.  I would be happily puking my guts out right now if it meant that I were pregnant. I would endure every wave of nausea and every bout of morning sickness. Needless to say, this is not what I needed to be exposed to as I sit smack dab in the middle of my two week wait. Rant over. I don't feel better. :/

What do you guys think, am I being overly-sensitive and an extreme bitca to boot? Maybe she didn't mean anything by it and in my overly-emotional I read into things that weren't there. Jealousy is NOT a good color on me. Is this what infertility (I cringe even thinking the word) has reduced me to; a bitter, resentful person who not only can't be happy for others but begrudges them that right? I feel awful. :(

P.S. I hate IF blog terms like 'fertiles.' Why does there have to be a dividing line? Wouldn't I want (expect) everyone to be happy for me if I were pregnant? God knows I would be....

P.P.S. I stupidly posted pictures of the crib in the nursery on FB (back to that again), but then later decided to take them down. It's not that I care what people think of me, because really I don't. This is my journey and I will own it for the world to see. This is my fight for our unborn child and I will embrace every minute of it. The good, the bad, the hideously ugly, and the hopefully soon-to-be happy ending. I just decided that it would be best to avoid any unnecessary questions during this time in my 2WW as I am waiting to find out if by some miracle I am actually pregnant.

In exactly one month from today I will attend my first RE appointment. Though I am hoping I won't have to go. I got a +OPK the other day (CD 26) and am about 5DPO now. I am trying to think positive and hope for the best, but I fear it didn't work. I am really worried about suffering such a disappoint so close to the holiday (a time that is already pretty difficult for me) and wondering how I'll be able to come back from it if the news is not what I so hope for. This is really not the time for me to fall into a depression. If I do turn out to be pregnant, it would truly be a Christmas miracle! Funny that I find myself in the same place as last year, hoping desperately for that miracle, that blessing. My husband provides me with everything my heart could desire, yet there is only one gift I want, the ultimate gift; sadly he has no control over when I will receive this gift.If you told me last year at this time, that i would be sitting in the same place a year later, I would have said you were nuts! I told DH the other day that the potential for let down is so much greater when you try to time everything perfectly and it STILL doesn't happen, as opposed to just going about it blindly and hoping for the best. When it doesn't work you wonder, "what's wrong with me?" "Could I have done something differently?" "Why didn't it work?" It makes me wonder, is it better not to know? I'm really worried that I will be spiraling into a depression soon. And I don't want DH to have to deal with picking up the shattered pieces, because I know this is hard for him, too. Maybe he doesn't express it like I do, but I know it is and I think I sometimes forget that. I'm always talking about "me," when this is a "we." 

I tell myself that if I have to go to the doctor so be it, that was just the path meant for me. I try to keep sight of my many blessings, and I am very thankful for what I have, I just can't help but think of that one missing piece to an almost perfect life. I wonder when we will be hanging a stocking for our child, when we will be buying him or her presents for under the tree, when we will be sneaking around in the middle of the night to play Santa. These are the moments I wait for, and yet I wonder when/if they will ever happen. We have so many nieces and nephews to buy for this Christmas, but when will it be our own? When will see the magic and wonder of the holidays as witnessed through the eyes of our own child?

The other day a woman said, "it is God's will to bless a couple with a child, he is the one who decides when/if this will happen." So going by that logic, is my decision to seek fertility treatments going against God's will or plan for me? Interestingly, I find that women who say this have no idea the pain of struggling for just ONE child. I find these comments insensitive, and they make my pain all the worse. Am I a bad person if God has yet to bless me with a child? No, I don't believe that. My husband and I have so much love in our hearts to give and I have no doubt we will be AWESOME parents!

So right now I sit hoping and praying that not only do I not see my period in two weeks time, I don't see it because I am pregnant! I am trying to stop myself from daydreaming yet I can't seem to help it. So many times I have thought about the moment that second line appears, and the moment we tell our loved ones; how happy they'll be. I believe having hope is a good thing, but at the same time I wonder the price for hopes that are too high? Will I come crashing down? I guess time will tell...





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Ok, so I totally had a STFU fertile moment earlier. I said something on FB about how I love the show One Born Every Minute, but hate it because it makes me so emotional and increases my longing for a baby all the more. Well, this person commented and said, "It will happen when the time is right." First of all, I am so SICK of hearing this. It is so easy for someone to say this when they have no clue what it's like to struggle to have a baby, want it so badly, and then not see it happen. And what about MY time, doesn't MY time mean a darn thing?! And the person saying this, she's younger than me (25) and has two kids already. Me, I'm frighteningly close to 30 and struggling for just the one. So yeah, this woman has no idea what I'm taking about or what I'm going through. So as far as I'm concerned, she can take her pseudo well-meaning,  condescending platitudes and shove them where the sun doesn't shine! Maybe I'm overreacting; maybe she did mean well with the best of intentions, but I am sick and tired of the air of superiority with fertiles. I think there is definitely this sense of, "Oh, I'm better than you."  And then when I responded back, her stance immediately changed to one of sorrow and pity; I could practically feel the waves of it rolling off the words before me; it was palpable! I feel like screaming "I don't need your sorrow or pity; I am not ashamed!" And the truth is I don't, and I'm not. I have been pretty open about this process from the very beginning. This is my journey, my fight, and I will fully embrace it.. So I have to go through hell and high water to get there, it just means I will have that much more love, adoration, and respect for the miracle life that is my child when I do! :)

What I am Thankful for...

Yes, I know I am a little late on this post, but with the holiday season upon us, I feel the need to take note of my many blessings in life:

 - Above all, I am thankful for my husband and almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together total), years that have been the happiest of my life. I am thankful to my husband for making so many of my dreams possible, he made me a wife, and with him, I hope to fulfill my ultimate dream of motherhood. I hope for many more happy years with my best friend by my side.

- I am thankful for our home; a home that we share filled with so much love. Last spring we embarked on the journey of buying our first home. In true fairytale fashion, we fell in love with the second home we saw and just knew it was the one for us. We had to have it! After going back and forth with the bank for what seemed like an eternity, we closed on the house in May, and finally moved in in late August. This Christmas is particularly special to us because it will be the first one spent in our new home. The house is small and cozy, with a very home-y feel and it is OURS. After 2 years of living with my grandmother after DH lost his job, it feels so good to be back on our feet and have something to call our own again. I will never again take for granted the luxury of having a place to "hang my hat." I like to think that out of every misfortune there is a lesson to be learned, the lesson here is to be thankful for what we do have in life, and to take stock of our many blessings, for each day is a gift. We rose from this setback, from one of the truly lowest points in our lives together as a couple, and look where we are now?! Homeowners!! I truly believe this house was meant for us. At one point in the journey we almost lost it to another couple, but at the last minute their offer fell through and the house was once again ours for the taking. Fate intervening, perhaps? I take it as further proof that this home was meant for us! We went through hell to get this house, it was definitely a time of both great excitement and great stress, but we did it! It has been a fixer-upper, but every project, every renovation, has been soooo worth it! This house has so much potential, and it has been a true joy making it our own. In a home already bursting with so much love, I truly cannot wait until we have a little one occupying the empty room we now call the nursery. I hope to someday very soon walk into that room and stare down not at an empty crib, but at a bundle of joy lying there fast asleep. I can totally see our children growing up in this house, in this nice neighborhood community; calling this home. I can hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and the sweet sound of a child's laughter. I hope that someday soon these things will be a reality, not just wishes and dreams residing in the spaces of my heart. 

- I am thankful for my education and the many doors it has opened for me, doors that I would not have access to otherwise. I am currently working on my Master's degree in mental health counseling. I am once again thankful for the opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and know that it is a true privilege being able to do so.

- I am  thankful for my two pugs, Zoe and Xander. More than mere dogs, these two are part of the family and always provide me with so much love and comfort. They are my babies, my "fur children," and in many ways they have helped to ease the pain of not yet having a child of our own. They love freely, unconditionally, and are accepting without judgment. They are always happy to see me, and are there to offer a lick or curl up in my lap or beside me on the couch when they sense I am feeling the pain of yet another BFN. While it is not the same as having a human child, they have helped to fill the empty space in my heart, and for that I will be forever grateful to them. I hope our children will have the privilege of growing up alongside these two great companions.

Lastly, I am thankful that if I must bear the burden of infertility, at least there are doctors out there that can help me (and women like me) achieve my dream of parenthood. I am grateful to have access to a wonderful RE that I will be going to in January. I am grateful that women today have these options, where years ago options for women struggling to conceive were quite limited. Thankfully today there is help, and most importantly, hope.

I know that for those of use living with infertility, it can be easy to lose sight of all the good things in our lives, especially around the holidays when it is all about children. I know that for me, I get so wrapped up in my quest to become a mom that I often forget about the many blessings I do have. I know the holidays can be incredibly difficult for those of us who are childless, but I also think it's important to put things in perspective and remember those things, even if small, that we are thankful for.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and wishing everyone a happy holiday season!

29 day cycle?

So Sunday my left ovary was hurting pretty bad. Later, I went to the bathroom to find a gush of bright red blood in my underwear (sorry TMI). I freaked! Usually my periods begin with some spotting, but this was totally unexpected and came out of nowhere! Plus, I never have 29 day cycles unless I am on birth control. My previous cycle length was 80 days, just to give you an idea of how sparratic my cycles are! The flow has been really heavy and the cramps debilitating. I find myself wondering if I was actually pregnant and this is a miscarriage, something very upsetting for me to even contemplate. If it was an early miscarriage, I guess there would be no way to know for sure at this point. Another theory is that perhaps I did ovulate and we just missed the boat. Again. Aaaaaaaah this is so frustrating! My period last month was pretty light and only lasted 3-4 days (most likely an anovulatory cycle). Could be this one is just making up for lost time. I just hope AF has settled down before our party on Saturday... =\

Hope everyone else's week has started out better than mine!

Anyone else watch that show 'Secretly Pregnant?' This show makes me so angry, yet I can't bring myself to stop watching. It is a morbid fascination of mine. Like when you pass an accident and can't help but look. I don't know why I put myself through this pain and anguish, but I do. It's bad enough I have to hear about women being preggers all around me, now I am subjecting myself to watching women who are keeping their pregnancies a secret? Really?! The really sad thing is that most of these women shouldn't be parents in the first place and yet they are, some for the second are third time. Most of the women don't have jobs or any financial means of support other than that given by their parents. Add to this that the "baby daddies" are usually losers who shouldn't be allowed to procreate in the first place.

One of the shows I watched featured a woman in her early 20s. She already had one child but had lost custody of him to her parents, because she lacked the financial means to support him. She finds out she is pregnant again for the second time, and at 5 months along she is still concealing the pregnancy from her family. She says she doesn't want to tell her parents because she is afraid they will kick her out of the house. Oh, and here's the real kicker, the baby's father is currently serving jail time for drug dealing! Another episode featured a 40-year-old knocked up by a 19-year-old. She hid the pregnancy due to shame and embarrassment of the affair. Yeah, I would be embarrassed too, lady. Then there was one about a woman knocked up by a married man. Throughout the whole episode she kept saying how she hoped every day that he would leave his wife and kids and come back to her. Seriously?! Then, of course, there is the typical teenaged pregnancy: 15-year-old girl impregnated by boy she's only dated 6 months. But oh, they're really in love! Someone gag me! This is just a sample of the types of stories featured on this show. See what I mean, like a bad accident, right? Being subjected to the stupidity of these women absolutely makes me blood boil. I find myself yelling obscenities at the TV nearly every time. Have these women never heard of condoms, or birth control pills? C'mon ladies! And most of them are certainly old enough to know better.

Last week's episode, however, was a glaring exception that broke my heart. This woman wasn't like all the others featured on the show. She had a husband, a nice home, and financial stability. She was keeping her pregnancy a secret because 9 months earlier she had given birth to a stillborn baby. She was hiding the pregnancy from friends and family because she feared her second child would suffer the same fate. And in a cruel twist of irony, her second child was due to be delivered on the same day as her first. She had only a few weeks left in her pregnancy when she finally gained the support of friends and family. There were a few complications with delivery, but the baby ultimately went on to be happy and healthy.

First of all, I just don't get how these women can be successful in hiding their pregnancies for 8-9 months. Are you seriously telling me that no one notices?! One woman resorted to wrapping tap around her belly to "hold her stomach in," and another hid her ultrasound photos behind the TV because she didn't want her mom to see them while she was cleaning. Yeah, let's all take a moment and marvel at the stupidity.

This makes me so angry because if I were pregnant I would be shouting it from the roof tops and telling the whole world. Heck, it will take all my restraint not to tell people as soon as I get that BFP!!! I could never imagine being ashamed of my baby and hiding the wonderful news from my loved ones. I just don't get it. My husband and I are in a loving committed relationship, we are financially stable, and have a nice home. We are able to provide for our children, and it's idiots like this who pop them out like it's nothing. Idiots who don't understand the full gravity and responsibiliy of being a parent, nor do they deserve such an honor. They take their children and the title of mother for granted. I fail to understand why it is so easy for women like that, and yet I am still waiting. Where is the justice in the world?!

End rant.

I think the hardest thing about making an appointment with the RE was finally having to admit to myself that yes, I am infertile. Not really a camp I want to belong to. Though, none of us choose this, of course. I mean, if it's gotten to this point I must be, right??? Finally, my worst nightmare is coming true, and I am faced with the very thing I sooooo hoped it wouldn't come to when we started out on this journey. When we began down this path a little more than a year ago I was so hopeful. I am still hopeful, but in a very different way now. To add insult to injury, I heard the news today that Michelle Dugger is now pregnant with her 20th child!! Yes, 20th. I wanted to post on FB about how sick that made me, but I feared pissing off or offending someone. Here, I don't have to worry because this is my private space and I know that many of you ladies will "get" exactly how and what, I am feeling. If I'm being honest, the word revulsion comes to mind. Like so many of you reading this, my husband and I are praying for just one baby, ONE, and she is on #20?! It is sickening, illogical, and downright unjust! I also can't begin to imagine the shape her uterus must be in...

I can't help but think of Bill and Jen from The Little Couple, and the recent loss they suffered. I was so elated with joy for them, and then in the space of the same breath so heartbroken. It just isn't fair. I know that sounds lame but what else is there to say? My heart goes out to them and I truly admire their strength and determination to move forward in achieving their dreams of parenthood...

Interesting that for some of us the hard decisions we make for our children come about even before they are conceived. The decision to go to the RE, to start on that next path, was a decision made for our future child in the hope that someday (SOON!) we will meet him or her. I am scared because I know that once we start on this path, there is no turning back, and I'm not exactly sure what's ahead. All I know is, January can't get here fast enough! I may seem brave-faced now, but the closer time gets I am going to be a nervous wreck!

Big Changes Ahead!

So this morning I bit the bullet and finally made an appointment with a fertility clinic. I must have stared at the phone for several minutes before summoning the courage to dial, but finally I did. The whole process was painless and only took a few minutes. So I now have an appointment mid January. They had an opening as early as November 19th, but DH and I discussed it and felt that with the holidays coming up, it would be best to wait. At least this gives me plenty of time to really process everything and let it sink in, prepare myself for what's coming down the road. And should I by some miracle get pregnant this month or the next, I could always just cancel my appointment.

The RE I'm seeing is the same one that helped my dear friend get pregnant with twins. The clinic is in the next town over which is 30-45 minutes away, so not exactly a convenience, but if this guy helps me get our baby any amount of distance traveled will be immeasurably worth it! It may seem like such a small thing but this really is a big step for us. For the first time in at least two months I feel like I have hope again. A plan. A direction. A path to follow. We are moving forward. I sat my fears aside to prove that I will do anything for our unborn child! So looks like DH and I are embarking on a new journey in 2012....

Why does my body hate me?

Seriously, Why does my body hate me? After more than two months without a period, I start to think that maybe by some miracle I could be pregnant and then what happens, it looks like AF is on her way. It just feels like such a slap in the face, "surprise! I'm here." I was hoping maybe it was implantation bleeding since all it's been is brown discharge since Thursday (sorry TMI), but the cramps are getting heavier so it looks like it's going to be AF in full force. I'm getting really frustrated and still haven't heard from my gyno, I think I'm just going to go straight to the RE at this point. what have I got to lose, right? And hopefully they can offer me a lot more help and answers than my gyno has been able to over the past year. I just feel so sad and hopeless and wonder why I even bother to think positively anymore since it seems it gets me nowhere. I've tried to believe and hope for the best, but I just end up feeling crushed in the end. I've really got to tough it out because things may get worse before they get better. I just feel so heartbroken, and sometimes the longing in my heart is more than I can bear. There are days I wonder if this aching void in my heart, this emptiness I feel, will ever be healed. Sometimes I feel like the world is playing a cruel joke at my expense; that karma, mother nature, the universe, whatever you believe is punishing me because I wouldn't be a good mother. What else am I supposed to believe when it seems that everyone else around me is popping out babies, especially those that didn't even really want them in the first place, and yet they are able to achieve parenthood so easily. well it's obvious I better go because I am being a Debbie downer. Happy Friday and I hope everyone has a great weekend

I will be spending the weekend playing with my new iPhone 4S that hubby and I got today. The 3GS was good to me for a long time, but it was time for an upgrade. We woke up this morning at the butt crack of dawn and went to stand in line at the AT&T store for about an hour, but let me tell you it was worth it because the new phones are awesome! By the time we got there a line had already started forming and people were sitting in folding chairs camped out in front of the store. Man, people really take the iPhone seriously! If there any spelling errors or things that don't make sense I apologize, I am posting this via the voice notation feature, it's really cool! Well, I think that's about it for now, have a great weekend ladies.

Sometimes no news ISN'T good news....

Well, it has been over 2 weeks now and still no word form my doctor. At this point I am really stating to lose patience (and that's putting it mildly). I called first thing this morning and told the nurse to pleeeease have him call me asap. I know he has been out of town, and that he has a life outside of caring for his patients, but for me this is torture! To him this may not be a big deal, he is just doing his job; but to me and my husband it is everything! I hate waiting in limbo feeling hopeless, helpless, and lost. I just want answers, whatever those answers may be so that we can move forward in whatever direction we need to pursue next. If that means getting a second opinion from another OB or going straight to the RE, so be it. I am just fed up with sitting here doing nothing while time ticks by. DH and I are still remaining hopeful that by some miracle this may be our month, but just in case it's not we need a path ahead. I know I'll feel much less anxious with a plan in place. I need to feel like I'm doing something. I need to be proactive! That's how I deal; that's what gets me through. There is a fork in the road and I desperately need an outline of where to turn next. Help! I can't sit here and feel helpless anymore. DH and I will do anything to get our child, we just need to know what that next thing is. I will do everything in my power to give my husband our son (I say this because I am sure in my heart we are going to blessed with a boy), I just need to know what's ahead so I can begin to plan and prepare for the next step in our journey. Not an easy thing to do when you're unsure of what's coming and things are so up in the air. So hopefully my phone call will yield some results by the end of the day. All I know is, I am done being Mrs. Nice Guy about it. I love Dr. C and have been with him for a very long time. We usually have a good rapport but right now I feel I am being treated very unprofessionally. So I would hate to do it but I will go to another OB if that's what's needed. Hopefully it will not come to that though because I really do not want to start over with another doctor after what I've already been through in the past year and a half. I know it could be much worse, and I pray it doesn't get worse, but believe me I have already had my share of heartache.

On another note, there must have been a baby convention in town this weekend because they were everywhere! Seriously,  everywhere I turned it was babies, babies, babies. It's like I could not escape them no matter how hard I tried! At Target: Babies. Grocery store: Babies. DH and I attended his brother's wedding this weekend and there were lots of babies there, too! I swear, sometimes I'm convinced the universe is conspiring against me. I know it's my baby-brain mentality making my hyper-aware but still, it's not pleasant! Also, thanks to Facebook's new subscribe feature I can now 'unsubscribe' to all pregnant women on FB. This is good because it allows me to keep my page (because I am too much of a chicken to actually delete my account), while not being subjected to the rants of pregnant women all day, thereby fueling my total emotional breakdown.

And while we're at it, could someone pleeeease tell me why my complexion suddenly resembles that of a teenager?! For the past few weeks now my face has been horribly broke out with no end in sight! I am now scared to look in the mirror because I swear every morning when I wake up there is a new pimple! I just don't know what to do. AF hasn't showed since the end of July, so I'm quite sure it has something to do with my hormones being completely out-of-whack!

Well, I think that's all for now. I will update on the sitch as soon as more info becomes available (if anyone actually cares. lol). Until then hope you are all having a good Monday and a great week; it is starting out as a rainy one here. Kinda fits my mood I suppose. lol. Take care, ladies.

~ Kellie

I am sad to report that I am starting off the week in a very annoyed state (not a good combo for a Monday). A few hours ago I learned that my ob/gyn will not be back in the office until Thursday, which means another week of sitting on my hands waiting for answers. Gah, I hate being in limbo! Boy, talk about the Monday Blues! Oh well, since there's nothing I can do about it, here's a survey to distract me while I wait:


1. Name of the future mommy to be?: K

2. Name of the future daddy to be?: D

3. How long has the future parents been together/married?: Together for 8 years total; married for almost 3 of those years.

4. When did you start trying to conceive?: June 2010

5. What is the hardest part of T.T.C?: The constant string of BFN's month after month. Getting my hopes, trying to think positively, really believing, only to be let down every time. I've learned I can't even trust my own body because I want a baby so badly my body will play tricks on me making me think I'm pregnant when I'm not.

6. What does the future mommy want to have?: I really want to give my husband a son, but honestly I couldn't care less about the gender; just a happy, healthy baby is all that matters.

7. What does the future daddy want to have?: He says it doesn't matter and I'm sure that's true, but I know in his heart he wants a little carbon-copy running around.  

8. Is there a certain month or season you’d like to have the baby in?: I've always fantasized about having a baby during the holiday season. It would also be cool to have a baby in April since both my hubby and I are April babies; but honestly the timing doesn't matter; I'm not picky, I just want a baby!

9. What are you looking forward to most when you finally conceive? Being able to finally share the good news with our family and friends who have been waiting right alongside us. I have fantasized about that moment so many times, I can only hope it will be a reality soon. Other than that I just really look forward to being pregnant; feeling my child move inside me and instantly feeling that connection and unbreakable love for him or her. I hear it's an amazing, life-changing experience; one I hope to have for myself very soon.

10. What has been the best thing about the T.T.C. process? Definitely that despite all the heartache and disappointment it has brought my hubby and I closer together than I ever thought possible. If there was one good thing to come out of all this drama it's that. We had a good marriage before, but we are now closer than ever and this experience has really solidified our bond and forced us to rely on each other more.

11. Pick out any names yet, for when the big day comes?: Yes

12. Any certain reason for choosing those names? Middle names for boy and girl are family names

13. Do you know what T.T.C. stands for?:I'm not even going to dignify this with an answer....

14. What things do you do to check for when your fertile?: CM, BBT, the usual.

15.Do you use Ovulation Tests? Yes

16. What does the future daddy do to help you with T.T.C. process: My hubby has really been my support system. He is always there to listen and even just hold me if I need a good cry. He has even gone with me to all of my appointments so far. 

17. How long do you plan on continuing the T.T.C process?:As long as it takes!

18. Will you consider In-Vitro or any other type of Infertility medicine?: Absolutely!

19. Have you had your pre-conceiving physical?: Yes

20.How many children would you like to have?: I used to say 2 but now I'd be happy with just one perfect little miracle baby.

21.Have you started buying some baby stuff? :So far all we have is a crib; what can I say? It was on sale and we just can't resist a bargain!

22.Any books that you’ve read that have been helpful?:No books as of yet but I'm certainly open to suggestions!

23.Is your family and friends supportive of deciding to T.T.C.?: There have been a few negative Nancy's but overall everyone has been more supportive than I could have imagined! I am especially thankful for two girlfriends (fellow IFers) who have really been there for me throughout this process. I honestly don't know what I would do without these two ladies in my life. So grateful for them!

24. Have you made any BIG changes in your life to help you conceive? Diet changes, exercise, etc. Also daily prenatal and many doctor visits (a big deal for me because I HATE going to the doctor)!  

25.Have you abstained from alcohol and drugs? Drugs have never been a part of my life, and I'm not much of a drinker anyway.

26.So if you unfortunately do not conceive, then what?: Adoption.

27.Are you healthy enough to be pregnant?: Yes

28.Do you really think your ready to be a parent?: Absolutely!

29.Any advice for other woman out there T.T.C.?: Just speaking from personal experience: stay strong, keep faith, and never give up! 

Well, that's that! I am going shopping later for some fall decor (I love this time of year) so maybe that will cheer me up. Here's the wreath I put up yesterday:

 

Well, that's all for now. Have a great week ladies!

How naive can I be? Honestly, how stupid was I believing now that we are home-owners we would get pregnant because it would just be too perfect. Well, if there's one thing I've come to realize it's that life's NOT perfect, and it's probably not going to happen that way. You would think now that we have a nice home and a room for our baby I would get pregnant, right? Well, if there were any justice in the world it would be so, but apparently that's not the case. So for now I must walk by an empty room every day. A room that serves as a daily reminder of the void in our hearts longing to be filled.I keep the door closed at all times because I can't bear to go in there. We have a nice home for our child, we are able to provide, and above all, we have so much love to give. Why isn't that enough?! It is now Wednesday, hump day (no pun intended), I have made it to mid week. How I got here is anybody's guess. Here I sit counting down the days, hours until next week when i will hear from my ob/gyn. When I will get a call that will either restore some of my hope or further shatter it. Right now the pessimist in me is definitely leaning toward the latter. Honestly, I am just so angry and bitter right now and it scares the hell outta me. Try as i might I know there is nothing I can do to prepare myself for the information that may await me on the other end of the line. He caught me off guard before and probably will again. So until then, I sit. I wait. I twitter my thumbs. I can't decide right now which is worse, knowing or not knowing. Regardless, that info is going to influence our direction from this point forward. Whatever it is I just want it over with. Dealt with so we can process and move on. I feel much better when there is a plan in place and right now I feel so lost. Out-of-sorts. Disoriented. My world turned upside down. I"m struggling to find my footing again but honestly don't know which way is up; if I'm coming or going. I'm trying not to let the resentment I feel take hold and ravage me until there is nothing left but a shell. All I know is, next week can't get her fast enough for me...

That's it. I am so over Facebook. Here I am struggling to have just ONE baby when last night I'm on FB and a girl I went to high school with announces her 4th, yes 4th, pregnancy! The exact post read: "4 under 4....coming February 2012." I mean, c'mon, how obnoxious is that?! Here I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that there is a fertility specialist in my future, and I have to read insensitive crap like that! She is my age (28) and already has 4 beautiful children, while I would give anything for just one perfect little miracle baby. Just ONE, that's all I ask, I'm not greedy! It just seems so unfair. I see this all the time on FB and it really makes me feel like I am a freak whose body doesn't work right. I mean, this woman, I swear her husband just looks at her and she's pregnant. We all know the type! Here I sit just trying to cope with my situation the best I can and reading that just honestly feels like a slap in the face to me. I would hope that when I do become pregnant I will show courtesy and sensitivity and not forget those who may still be struggling. I think fertiles should realize that not every woman is blessed to be in such a state, the ability to have kids is not a given, and when you see a childless couple you shouldn't assume it is by choice. I imagine it is easy for women who haven't had to experience the pain of such longing, to take their fertility for granted, but the fact is we never know what someone else may be going through, or how much seemingly harmless words may reawaken the pain of the scars we carry each day.

OK, getting off my soapbox now....

Well, I made it through the weekend. In retrospect I really don't know how I did. I have just been keeping busy, mainly just going through the motions of it all. At times I even smiled or laughed without the world ending, but still there is a deep feeling of sadness I carry in my heart. Now I just need to get through the week. Unfortunately, my OB/GYN is out of town (perfect timing, right?), so I now have to wait until sometime next week to find out what he learns (if anything) from the fertility specialist he is consulting with. I am anxiously awaiting that call but honestly, I don't expect anything good to come from it. I have already decided that if this is the case I will be seeking the opinion of another OB/GYN before making the leap to a fertility specialist. I just wish I didn't have to sit wringing my hands for a week waiting for information, but I guess that's just the way it is.

What would you ladies do, would you seek a 2nd opinion, first, or go straight to the RE? Please understand that though the prospect is terrifying to me, I am not against seeing a specialist if that's what ultimately needs to be done. Obviously, I will do anything necessary to get our baby. That said, I still feel there is more that could be done before taking such a leap to more drastic measures. Fellow PCOS-ers I need your input here. My doctor said I am not eligible for Clomid because my periods have failed to regulate on Met alone (I can sometimes go 3-4 months or longer without a period). As of now I haven't had a period since late July and am not pregnant. Dr. C.'s opinion is that this being the case, Clomid would do little good. My question is, why couldn't I be given progresterone or provera to force my period, and then take clomid on CD 5-9 or however it works? I have a friend with PCOS and this method worked for her. She now has a 2-year-old son. Question to all you PCOS ladies: is this what worked for you or did your doc try a different method?

I should also add that I was only Met for about 3 months. Doesn't it usually take a lot longer in most cases to yield any results? I am currently not on it because Dr. C told me to stop if it was making me so miserable, but I would certainly be willing to tough it out if there was a chance I could see better results down the line. It just so frustrating that my lack of periods are what is causing all this trouble for me. When I know there has got to be something that can regulate them besides BCP. Sure, BCP may work if you have no desire to get pregnant, but when you are TTC that is a no-go. And I already wasted 3 months of my life on those darn things (not to mention the 5 years I spent preventing pregnancy. Now the idea of that is laughable to me)!

If it doesn't go my way when I hear from Dr. C next week, I am going to push the provera-clomid combo. I am hoping the RE he is consulting with will suggest it, but I have learned the hard way it's best to have zero expectations.. I seem to recall also that this is what worked for my mom to help her get pregnant. If he is still uncooperative, then as much as I hate to do it because I love Dr. C., I will seek a second opinion.

Please feel free to weigh in  on my situation ladies as I am feeling really lost and directionless right now. I need to know that there is still hope out there.  Hope you all have a great week.

Thanks.

~ Kellie

I don't even know what to say. Since yesterday I have felt so numb, like I'm not even really here. It turns out rescheduling my appointment from Tuesday to Thursday was a blessing in disguise, but little did I realize the delay was only putting off the inevitable of what would come next. Oh well, at least it gave me an extra day or two to foolishly believe all was okay before it was shattered, and now I can't go back. I was not prepared for what happened. I was completely blindsided. I was expecting to go in and come out with Clomid. But apparently because my body failed to respond to the Met in the way we'd hoped, I am not a candidate for Clomid at this time. According to Dr. C, my cycles have to be regulated in order for Clomid to have a chance of doing any good. And now, not only am I not on Clomid, he also told me to stop the Met since it isn't working and was making so miserable. So now I have nothing.

But wait, it gets worse. The next words out of Dr. C's mouth were, "I think we may be at the point now where it's time to see a fertility specialist." I was shocked when I heard this. I was fumbling for words as I didn't know what to say; completely caught off guard by the mere suggestion.  I knew that we may eventually have to go that route, I knew it may be in the future, but I didn't know it would be now, not so soon. I thought I had other options. I thought I had more time. I feel my own doctor is giving up on me, that he is throwing in the towel and handing me off to someone else because I am such a hopeless case. I know that this is irrational. I know that I should be grateful to Dr. C for not wasting my time, but I can't help it.  So the plan is that Dr. C is going to consult with a fertility specialist to see if there is anything else we can try before moving on to more drastic measures. But honestly, I feel that we are once again just delaying the inevitable. If my OB/GYN couldn't succeed in regulating my periods, how on earth is anyone going to be able to?!

I am so afraid to start down that path, because I know that once we do there is no turning back. I held it together while I was in the office, but as soon as I got outside I broke down. Right now I am devoid of hope and I feel so lost; with no since of direction or plan. Perhaps that is the hardest thing to deal with right now, that I feel I'm right back at square one. I can't believe the last several months have been for nothing. Sure we can still keep "trying," but that didn't work for over a year and I have very little hope of it working now. I know if I do conceive naturally it would be a miracle because my body is so screwed up. I am so angry and resentful of my body right now. Why can't it just work like it should?! I feel like a failure as a woman because apparently I can't accomplish what my body was designed to do. I feel like I'm letting my husband down; if he'd married someone else I'm sure he'd have a kid by now. And the cost?! We just bought a house, we have a mortgage, how on earth will we ever be able to afford a fertility clinic?! I sure hope they have an installment plan! I was really thrown a curve ball yesterday and I'm still trying to make sense of it all. It's not fair. We have so much love to give so why can't we just have our baby?!

have lost all hope at the moment and just want to shut down. I can't believe we are at this point so soon. If any of you ladies are reading this right now please weigh in. I am really at a loss right now and desperately in need of some hope and encouragement. For the first time I truly fear that it may never happen; that we may never be parents. Last night when I got home I was so upset that I had 2 glasses of wine and went to bed. I fear that this weekend is probably going to hold much of the same for me. I hope you all have a much better weekend than I'm going to. Sorry to be such a downer, but if you got this far thanks for reading.

~ Kellie

The Doctor's Appointment that Almost Was....

So, yesterday I show up to my OB/GYN appointment at 4:15. I get there and the receptionist tells me that Dr. C has stepped out due to an emergency (I assume it has to do with one of his patients). I ask her how long he will be and she says probably about 20 minutes. I think, okay, no big. She calls me back to the window a few minutes later to take my payment for the appointment and tell me that he has returned to the office, when a second later I hear a nurse in the back saying that we will need to reschedule (luckily she had not ran my card yet)! So now we are on for 4:30 tomorrow, assuming that nothing else happens. I was slightly annoyed but at the same time I understand that things happen, especially if you're an OB/GYN. I just hope it wasn't anything too serious. So tomorrow we try again!

Nothing Like Starting the Day Off with a BFN!

So since I'm going to the OB/GYN this afternoon and because it's CD 49 and still no sign of AF, I decide to test this morning. As usual, BFN. I didn't expect anything different but it still hurts. And certainly not a great way to start the day. I am convinced that there is a conspiracy going on in which I will never see 2 lines on an HPT. I am trying not to feel discouraged, but I can't help it. Right now I feel hopeless. I am hoping to leave my OBs office with a script for Clomid this afternoon. Fingers crossed. Will update later about the appt. Hope all you ladies out there are having a great week.

P.S. Where is everyone??? I know I have been a little MIA from the blogsphere lately, but my blog feels very unloved. lol. Well, off I go to commiserate some more. :(

- Kellie

Ho Hum...

I really hate it when my husband and I are excluded from social gatherings because we don't have kids. I guess we just aren't "cool" like all our other friends who already have children. So we get left out just because we aren't a part of that ever elusive group known as parenthood. Well, I'll tell you what, I long for the day when having a child will change my life in ways I never thought possible. Each time we are excluded by our so called "friends" I am reminded what we are missing out on and I then become sad and bitter all over again.

In other news, it is CD 42 and still no AF nor any sign that she is going to show. Dare I hope that i'm preggers?! I would love to entertain the notion, but alas I have gotten my hopes up before and ended up sorely disappointed. I have to go back to my Ob/gyn on the 14th to see about getting put on Clomid, so If AF hasn't reared her ugly head by then I plan on testing anyway. I have also been having really bad breakouts the last few weeks. Could it be the acne of early pregnancy? Yeah, I doubt it, too. I love to fantasize about the possibility of being pregnant, but at the same time I just can't handle the fall out of another disappointment right now.

Well, that's about it for now. Back to studying I go! Hope you all have a wonderful week.

~ Kellie

Haven't Met You Yet....

Ok, so I was just sitting here having a particularly craptastic day, scouring YT on my downtime when I came across this video:

Now I know Michael is obviously referring to a relationship here,  but as I was listening to the lyrics of the song I couldn't help but think of my future child. Anyway, thought I'd pass it along. Hope everyone has a great week!

~ Kellie 

Been a While....

Hi guys, miss me? Well I'm back. For how long I don't know. It has been a busy few weeks around here. For starters, we are officially moved! That's right, I am now updating from my house! We spent all of last week and the previous weekend getting things moved, and we spent our first official night here Friday night. To say that things are in disarray would be an understatement. I try to keep in my mind that we have only been here sesince the weekend, and that it will take a while to get settled. I think it will take a while for us to get our barrings again, but we are doing everything we can to make this house a home. Right now everything feels strange and new, but I'm confident that in time this will feel like home. I can't wait to start decorating and really putting my own personal touch on things. That's half the fun of owning a home, right? Well, I definitely have the decorating bug! :)

In other news, I completely missed my + OPK this month. So much was going on with the move that I simply wasn't able to test every day and I let it slip by me. I'm pretty sure I O'd though because the symptoms were there. Let's just hope we were successful this month!

Well, that's about all for now. Fall Semester just started today So I am probably going to be pretty busy for a while. I will update as often a I can, though. Hope everyone has a great week.

~ Kellie 

Back on the Roller Coaster We Go....

It's CD 7 and here we are, starting all over again (you do count your cycles from the first day of your period, right? Sorry to sound stupid but all this tracking stuff is sort of new to me). I am confident that this cycle will end with a pregnancy. Until then I will have a lot of things to keep my busy. We will be moving into our house over the next two weeks, so that alone should keep me good and occupied; and school starts back in exactly 2l days. It looks like I will have a lot of things to keep my distracted while I wait out this cycle, which is certainly a blessing. This cycle has to give us a baby because it couldn't be more perfect. I can do this!

Ya know it's funny, most of the time I'm going along fine, just living life day-to-day, then we get around a house full of kids and everything comes crashing down for me.This past weekend we had a get-together for my brother-in-law's birthday. They all had their kids over and every time this happens I feel like the universe is rubbing in my face what they all have but we are still lacking. I see DH with his nieces and nephews and it honestly breaks my heart because I know what I what a wonderful dad he is going to be, and how blessed our child will be to have him as a father. It makes me sad because I feel like the more time goes by, the less likely it is that our children will grow up together. I want a house full of children laughing and running around. It has been DH and I for a long time, and while I have enjoyed that time, I now want more. I don't want the quiet of just the two of us anymore; I want to hear children laughing and the pitter-patter of little feet. This is what I wish for our new home: Not just love, but family, and the opportunity to share that abundance of love with our child. Is that so much to ask? Sometimes I feel like the universe thinks so and is having a great laugh at my expense...

And to the woman on FB: Please stop your constant posts complaining about your morning sickness because I would give anything to be in your shoes right now. Thank you.

Reflections

I am having a period from hell. If ever I needed it rubbed in my face that I am indeed NOT pregnant, this would definitely do the trick. The flow is really heavy and the cramps are terrible; guess that D&C I had back in January did not do anything to make my periods lighter like Dr. C said it may. It's weird to think about my period, and what it really represents to me as a woman. I have life flowing out of me; not just my own life, but  the ability to give and create it; and the power to sustain it. Many women do not consider their periods more than an inconvenience; but when you are a woman TTC, you'd be surprised what things take on new meaning and symbolism. It's like I feel connected to the world, to the Earth, to life. And with that connection comes the promise of new hope, new possibility, a new future. Yeah...I am in a strange mood today...

45 Days...

Okay, so this cycle turned out to be 45 days long (previous one, with BCP, was 35 days). I know a 45 day cycle is still out of the realm of normal, but considering I've had a 160 day cycle before, I think 45 days is doing pretty good! And, this is my first "all natural" cycle since going off BCP. I have only been on the Met for a month, so I need to give it some time. Right now, I am pleased as punch just to be responding to it at all. It's nice to feel like a woman again. :)

Good News and Bad...

 The bad news, what I thought (hoped) was implantation bleeding was definitely NOT implantation bleeding. Nope, AF is here and has settled in for a nice week-long stay. I can't say I'm surprised by this, nor am I really all that upset. In a way it's good news because this is my first natural cycle since going off the 3-month round of BCP. Speaking as a woman who tends to go months without a period, I think this is definitely something to be excited about. Maybe the 3-months of BCP and the Met are doing the trick to get my body regulated and doing what it's supposed to do; this is only a good thing. If we can get my cycles regulated, then I can O more regularly and therefore have a better chance of getting pregnant. So we missed the mark this time, at least we know that I definitely did O. We'll just have to wait AF out and then start fresh next cycle, with renewed hope. And it will be even better because next cycle we will be all settled in to our home. Less stress = greater chance of getting pregnant. Yes, I will have classes to contend with but I will manage. So, despite feeling a little disappointment today, I really am optimistic about the future. It's so wonderful to feel like my body isn't a failure.

P.S. Update on the house: Painters are there today through Friday, carpet is getting installed Monday. We can start moving things in any time after Monday. Sooooooo excited! Can you tell? :D

A Series of Fortunate, Unfortunate, Events

Over the past few days I have sat down to write several blogs and for some reason just stopped. I'm not sure why, guess I just haven't had much to say.

This past weekend was a rough one. Well, actually, it started on Thursday when my grandmother and I got into it. The previous night at dinner she upset both DH and I. She kept going on and on about how we should use the nursery as storage since we won't be having a baby anytime soon (she doesn't know we're trying). We kept telling her that no, that is the nursery and we don't want anything else going in there. Well, she was relentless and wouldn't let up, she just kept pushing, so finally we just had to walk away. I stewed about the things she said all night, losing sleep over them. I was so upset and hurt by her words that I cried. The next day I hadn't planned on bringing it up, but I ended up confronting her. I basically told her that it is hard being a married couple and living here in her home. I told her that I felt she was nosy, meddlesome, intrusive, constantly in our business and questioning our decisions/choices, and that we have no privacy. I told her that what we decide to do in our own home is our business and doesn't concern anybody else. I told her that she needs to keep her opinions to herself at times and think before she speaks. She didn't like this and some hurtful things were said on her part, which I will not be sharing here. My grandmother is a very opinionated woman. She thinks her way is the only way, and that everyone else doesn't know what they're doing. Why would we use the nursery for storage when we have already painted the walls? When we have already bought a crib (she doesn't know that)? The point is that people shouldn't assume they know what's going on in other people's lives. Her saying those things about the nursery and about us not having a baby in the future was very hurtful to me. Here I am in my 2WW, waiting to find out if I am pregnant and she says the most insensitive thing possible. I didn't take it well. I feel like she doesn't even want us to have children and that really hurts. What does she expect us to do, wait until we're in our 40s and all my eggs have dried up? I am already having trouble getting pregnant so no thank you! I know you can make the argument that she doesn't even know we're trying so how can she be held accountable for the things she said? Well, that's the thing, she has no right to make assumptions regarding such a personal and intimate matter between a husband and wife. And that's exactly why we haven't told her because we don't think she'll take it well.  And given her reaction, we have every reason now to believe that is the truth. And yes, I believe it is hard to be a married couple living with any family member; there is bound to be some head-butting, but especially with a grandmother who is veeeery set in her ways and thinks she knows all. Yes, she gave us a place to come when DH lost his job. Being here allowed us to get back on our feet and start saving for a house. I am appreciative and deeply grateful for that, but at some point enough is enough. I really don't know how we have survived in this house for the past 2 years. I just think we have been here long enough and it's time to get back in our own space and back to the way things were. I just hope my relationship with my grandmother can be repaired after all this...

But don't worry, this story has a happy ending. So, Friday I ended up spending the day with my mom (I just couldn't bear to spend another second in the house with my grandmother). I ended up telling my mom that we have been trying for a baby for a while and she started crying. She said that if we want a family she gives her full support and that she thinks we will be wonderful parents. As I have mentioned previously in my blog, my mom also suffered with infertility and had to use meds to help her get pregnant. So, she understands what I'm going through and said she would be here anytime I needed her. Though, she was also saddened to hear that I am suffering a similar fate. I think that's why I put off telling her for so long, because I didn't want her to be sad for me. I'm not sure why my grandmother would begrudge us the right to have a family; DH has a great job, we are financially stable, we just bought our first home, I am in grad school, and we certainly aren't kids anymore. Whatever the reason, I at least know that I have my mother's support and that means the world to me. So see, something good did come out out of something bad. Had this not happened, my mother probably still wouldn't know.

On the 2WW front there is not much to report. My breasts (nipple area) felt sensitive for a couple of days, but that seems to have gone away now. Who knows, maybe I was just imagining it in the first place. When you want something so badly your mind can play tricks on you. I've certainly been there before. Yesterday, I saw the faintest hint of pink on the TP. I wouldn't have even noticed it if I hadn't been looking. I didn't see anything else all day yesterday and then today I saw it again this morning except that it was brown (sorry TMI). Nothing again so far. I would like to believe it is implantation bleeding, but something tells me it is probably just my period about to start; especially since I tend to start out spotting anyway, and I have been a little crampy and just generally feeling like AF is on her way. I guess we will just have to wait and see...

As for progress on the house, painters are coming in tomorrow, we can hopefully get the carpet installed Saturday, and hopefully start moving things in as early as Sunday. Which means, we can be moved in as soon as two weeks from now. Hooray!

As a side note, classes start back in less than a month so I may be blogging less frequently. Take care and hope everyone has a great week!

Waiting....Again. Story of my Life...

So, I had a +OPK two days in a row, then the next day I tested and it was back to negative. So now, we wait...

Still in the Game!

 Okay, so I was a little bummed about the BFN this morning, but the day did bring some good news: I got another +OPK! That's right, we are now 2-for-2 which means I am still very much in the game! This alone makes me sooooo happy, just the fact that I am even ovulating at all! I think of that little eggy inside me waiting for sperm and I feel oddly close to it. LOL. Does that make me sound insane?! Just the fact that there is a potential baby, the potential for life, waiting inside of me right now! Could it be that for once my body is working as it should, doing what it was designed to do?! There is still hope! I have not given up!

P.S. How long should an OPK stay positive usually? And are you supposed to keep testing until it is negative again? Sorry if these seem like dumb questions, I am kinda new to this whole OPK thing...

Negative.

First of all, I want to say I appreciate everyone who weighed in on my decision to test. Ultimately, I decided to go ahead with it anyway (didn't you see that coming? lol. We ask others for their opinion but really we already have our mind made up....). As you can surmise from the title of this post, the result wasn't positive. I was so sure I was pregnant given the symptoms I have been having, but as the clock ticked down to the 5 minute mark, I began to have my doubts. I looked at the test after 5 minutes and saw only one line (it's as if that one line was mocking me). I peered at the test closely, examining it in the light, turning it this way and that in the hopes that maybe there was a very faint line I didn't see...nothing. BFN. I'm not gonna say it didn't hurt, I think it always hurts no matter what. This is the first HPT I have taken since, wow, April or something like that, so of course I was hoping for a BFP! Surprisingly, though, I'm handling it better than I thought I would. I really think I'm okay this time. I got a +OPK yesterday and that still gives me a lot of hope. I will be testing again today to see if we can go two-for-two. I'm not out of the game yet!

As for my symptoms, maybe it is the Met, or a stomach bug? Symptoms of ovulation? Who knows. Yesterday I only took two doses of the Met. I was so sick last night that I just couldn't bring myself to take the third dose. I am going to give it through the weekend and if I am still feeling this craptastic on Monday I will be calling Dr. C. to see if we can't do something different. I have heard that the ER tablets lessen side-effects, maybe we should give those a whirl? Either way, I don't want to give up on the Met because it is clearly doing something right! I just don't understand why it would be affecting me so badly now. I guess maybe because it has had time to build up in my system now and my body is not handling the 1500mg dosage very well? Again, who knows...If need be I will step back on the dosage until things calm down.

 We are having a birthday dinner for my aunt's 50th tonight. I really hope I can manage to eat something (and keep it down, and not have to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes). I really have just had zero appetite the last few days, I don't know what's going on. I didn't puke again last night (thank God). Felt like I was going to but it never happened, just nausea (and lots of trips to the bathroom). I really hope I start feeling better soon! =/

Disbelief!

Okay, so I took an OPK a little bit ago and got a positive! I mean, the line showed up almost immediately, before the control line had even completely formed! I just can't believe it! I was talking to a few girlfriends today (telling them about last night's puke fiasco), when they both suggested that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead and take an HPT just to see. Haven't experienced any more pukage (thank God!) but all day today I have still felt nauseous and just generally unwell; haven't even felt like eating anything. I didn't want to take an HPT yet because I figured it would be best to wait it out and see if AF shows. Plus, I just didn't want to deal with disappointment of seeing a BFN right now. I have been doing some research and apparently an OPK can detect HCG as well. Since the positive came up so rapidly, is there a chance that I could be pregnant?! Should I test in the morning?!

Even if I'm not pregnant this is still wonderful news. A positive OPK is, for me, a cause for celebration! At least now I can know that the Met may be working. There is no way I would ever be able to repay my OB/GYN for all the help he has given; such a wonderful man! I am still shaking and can't believe it. I took a picture of the strip and texted it to DH. lol. I called him and started crying I was so happy. I may not be pregnant, but I am still beyond thrilled to have my first every positive OPK. Even if I turn out not to be pregnant, at least I now know that pregnancy is possible and that means the world to me! Some of you may be thinking, "what's the big deal?" But speaking as someone who doesn't ovulate, it is a HUGE deal to me! I feel as though I could break out into song or shout it from the roof tops! Now we have a real chance of actually getting pregnant! For the first tine in a while, I have hope again and I feel good!  

So, to test or not test? I should also mention that I have felt really hot today and for the last few days I have had cramping and discomfort in my lower abdomen like my period may start but it hasn't. Could these be pregnancy symptoms or just normal signs of ovulation? I have a hard time believing it could be so easy, but at the same time, I want so badly to believe. Of course, I have so certain before and been let down so who knows really. Don't want to think negatively though. I am still astonished at how quickly that positive came up!

Bad Night...

 So, last night around 4am, I woke up and suddenly started puking. It came without warning, so I puked all over my lap (I know, gross, right?!). Talk about a rude awakening! Thankfully, I didn't have much for dinner or it probably would have been a lot worse! And we had chicken, so I very much doubt that's what made me sick (plus, DH was fine). I still feel like crap ran over today, but thankfully, no more puking so far. I wonder if it could have been the Met that did it? Though, I have been on Met for about a month now and it has never made me puke, so why would it start now? I was a little behind on my dose yesterday, so I took two at lunch instead of the one, but that's the only thing I did differently. I know that a lot of women choose to take their full dose at once and it doesn't make them sick. And if that was it, I think I would have gotten sick waaaay before 4 in the morning. So, I took my dose with breakfast (even though I reeeeaaallly didn't want to), just hoping it stays down. Fingers crossed! So, ladies who have taken Met, has it ever made you vomit? I read that if Met causes vomiting it should be discontinued, as it could be a sign of a potentially serious side-effect. I will just wait and see if it happens again. Though, I really don't think it was the Met that made me sick. Like I said, I've been on the stuff for almost a month now and so far all it has done is cause stomach issues; maybe a little nausea here and there, but never vomiting. If it continues, though, I will definitely be putting in a call to my OB/GYN.  

And then there's the question that every TTCer asks, "could I be pregnant?" I gotta admit, when I woke up and started puking, this is the first thing that popped into my head. Obviously, if I'm going to puke, I would love it to be because I'm pregnant. It's definitely possible. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. But I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up...

P.S. Forgot to mention that last night I had a dream DH and I had triplets, all boys. What is with these crazy dreams I keep having?!

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes...

 I often sit daydreaming about the day I finally do get my BFP; I think of how happy I’ll be. How I’ll squeal and run to my husband with arms outstretched; tears of happiness and utter joy streaming down my face as I leap into his arms. I'll spend hours on the phone breaking the happy news to friends and loved ones and everyone will be so happy and excited for us. Cinderella said that in dreams we lose our heartaches. Well, I think she forgot to mention the part where you wake from a dream and realize it’s not real only to have that feeling of your heart being ripped from your chest. Over and over I have the same dream; the dream that I am either expecting or in active labor. It always feels so real, so vivid. Once in the dream we were bringing our baby (a boy) home from the hospital; he had a full head of dark hair just like his father. We were so happy, and then I woke in tears and heartbroken to find it wasn’t true. I wonder, when will I meet this child I so often dream of? Will it ever become reality? Sometimes I fear it will never be anything more than a fantasy. I hope to make my BFP announcement soon!