We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Blog to Bring You a Special Announcement....

No, not that announcement...yet. But I do have good news. We are closing on our house today! That's right, after weeks of waiting it is finally happening! We will do a final walk-through at 11am, then meet at the realtor's office at 1pm to sign the final papers and get the keys! I can't believe this is actually happening! I didn't get much sleep last night but I don't even care because this day is going to be totally worth it! Best. Friday. Eveeeeer. I think the last time I was this excited was my wedding day. This is the biggest thing we have done in our adult lives thus far. The first being the day we got married, and I can imagine the next one will be when we witness the birth of our child. It's funny how owning a home and paying a mortgage every month can suddenly make one feel so adult-like. Two milestones down, one more to go! I can't believe we are about to be homeowners. AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Making Changes!

For the last few weeks I have been talking about how much I would like to lose weight, get in shape, exercise, etc. In a few weeks I will begin the Metformin and so I figure this will be a good catalyst for changing my eating habits. Here's a quick run down of what I consumed this weekend. Friday night: Pizza and bread sticks from Pizza Hut. Saturday: I-Hop for breakfast/lunch, where I ordered chocolate chip pancakes and ate almost allllllll of them, leftover pizza for dinner, and then cookies for a snack. Sunday: Pancakes again (thanks grandma)! Steak, potatoes, and salad for dinner, cake for dessert. Monday: This morning for breakfast I ate 3 powdered donuts, and even as I write this there is a bag of Cheetos sitting in front of me on my desk (again, courtesy of grandma). Boy, when I write it all out like this it is far worse than I realized! Hello, Carb City!

Looking at this it is hard to believe I am not morbidly obese! I am definitely overweight, though. I am 5 feet 2 inches tall and 140ish pounds. This is the most I have ever weighed in my life! And my fear is that if I don't do something soon, the scale will only continue to climb! Growing up I never had a weight problem. In high school I was always thin (under 100 lbs) and had a very high metabolism. I never even had to think about what I put in my mouth and could eat whatever I wanted (man, do I miss those days)! After high school things began to change (I think PCOS is partially to blame). I met my now husband about a year out of high school, and the following year we were sharing an apartment together. It was during this time that my eating habits began to change. We were eating out a lot more, eating more sweets and junk food, just generally unhealthy eating. I stopped having regular periods (going 3-4 months at a time without one), and started putting on weight. I had previously stopped BCPs after being on them for about 5 years, so I thought that was the problem and that it would eventually sort itself out, but the lack of periods continued (and still does). It has taken a long time of this for me to pack on the 40+lbs. It didn't happen overnight, but it happened. And now it needs to stop!

When I start the Metformin I am going to need to seriously alter my eating habits. This means cutting out carbs, sweets, starches, etc. And probably caffeine as well (which means no more trips to Starbucks)! I need to give this medicine the best chance of working for us and that means making healthier choices.  The way I see it, this will be a very small price to pay if it means these meds will get us pregnant! I read somewhere that "Losing as little as 5% of your body weight can help balance hormone levels and improve fertility." My goal is to lose at least 10 lbs. Who knows, If I could lose the weight maybe I wouldn't even need the Metformin and ovulation could be restored on its own. I am hoping the Metformin will help me shed the pounds, but I can't just sit around and expect it to do all the work. I need to do this for our baby. Now.

DH and I both agree that we need to change our eating habits and start making better lifestyle choices. The problem is we are currently living with my grandmother. I'm sure you all know how grandmothers can be, constantly making desserts and sweets; nice, but sabotage when it comes to any weight loss progress. Not to mention the weekly fried goodness. So for now we are waiting to get settled into house, which will hopefully be  in a few weeks.

And speaking of the house, haven't heard anything yet today. They said Monday or Tuesday, but I'm guessing it won't be until Friday again. Give them an inch, they'll take a mile!

Frustrated!

I had originally intended for this post to be of a happier tone, but sadly, that is no longer the case. We were all set to close on our house today, but we received word yesterday afternoon that due to a delay with the title company, that would not be possible. To say that we were/are disappointed is an understatement! So, we are now on our 3rd closing date, the first one being April 29th, then May 20th, and now May 27th. They "claim" they should be able to have everything done and be ready to close by Monday or Tuesday of next week, but honestly, at this point, I am having A LOT of trouble putting any trust or faith in these people. It seems throughout this entire process we have been treated very unprofessionally, it is simply unacceptable. I have counted down to this day for WEEKS, and now it isn't going to happen. Such a letdown and sooooooooo disappointing! For those of you who have never bought a house before or are thinking of buying one in the future, be forewarned, it's a pain in the ass! I wish somebody had told us what we were in for when we started this journey. I keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it once we have the house, but it seems that day keeps eluding us.

On a more positive note, for the past several days I have been scouring the internet looking for success stories of Metformin and TTC - forum posts, YouTube videos, whatever I can get my hands on! To read such stories and to know that Metformin has aided so many women in conceiving gives me a sense of hope and optimism, something I never really had until now. I tell DH that we need to start looking at baby stuff now, because I am confident that it will happen soon! So confident in fact, that I actually want to go down the baby isle. I actually want to spend hours on the internet looking for nursery decorating ideas, etc. I figure, hey, if it worked for all these other women, why not me, too? It's great that I am feeling all these good vibes when it comes to conceiving (kind of a new venue for me), but then I ask myself, am I naive to put so much hope into a single drug like it is some miracle? But maybe it is our miracle. Maybe the Metformin will be all I need to finally conceive our child. But for all the positives of Metformin, there is a dark side as well. I'm talking side-effects. I have read so many horror stories about side-effects that now, despite excitement, I am nervous to start the medication. GI disturbances seem to be the biggie. Yuck! Not good.  But I just keep telling myself that any amount of side-effects will be totally worth it if this helps us to finally get pregnant! And If it doesn't work like I hope, I keep telling myself not to get discouraged if I don't get the results I want right away, there will be other options. I will take the Metformin for 3 months and if I am not pregnant by then, doc and I discussed pairing Clomid with it next. If I have to use Clomid then fine, it will just give my body that extra boost it needs, giving us an even greater chance at success!

So, that's what's been going on in my world. In other news, almost done with the first week of my 3rd and last month of BCPs. So far no break-through bleeding, cramps, or yucky discharge. Let's hope it stays this way! I will be so glad to finally ditch the BCP and get back to baby-making! If all goes well, we may even have ourselves a bun in the oven by summer's end! Some women say they conceived within weeks of starting Metformin. I admit, I'm a little skeptical of it working that fast, but hey, if it does, great! I wouldn't dare complain. :)

Doctor's Appointment.....

So, the good news is, I got the Metformin (generic version of glucophage), the bad news, I have to do one more month of bcp first. But at least he went ahead and gave me the prescription so as soon as I get done with this last round of bcp I can get started on the Metformin right away. I am almost tempted to skip the bcp and go straight to the Metformin, well, almost. lol.  Logically I know it could only benefit me more in the long to go ahead and do this third month of bcp if it's what my doctor thinks is best.Fortunately, I am blessed to have an OB/GYN whom I trust and have a great rapport with.

In other news, lab results came back good. Testosterone and dhea all normal, even if at the high end of. Doc says quote, "all of your parts work perfectly." lol (gotta love this man's humor, such a way with words). He says, "you are doing very well." When I asked him about the success rate with Metformin he responded, "It has a fairly good chance of working in your case." I realize he can make no guarantees, so I suppose I'll take what I can get.

I am anxious to start the medication, but at the same time really nervous about possible side-effects, as I suppose one would be any time they are starting a new medication. Metformin has many benefits for conception and pregnancy, including the following:

Restoration of Normal Menstrual Cycle  - "A number of studies have shown that normal menstruation can be restored in many women with PCOS. According to one study, 43 women who were not having periods took Glucophage (Metformin), and 39 of them resumed normal menses."


Improved Chance of Pregnancy - "A study of 48 women with PCOS and Infertility were conducted. They were first given Metformin and 19 of them resumed menstruating and showed indication of ovulation. 10 required Clomiphene  in addition to the Metformin in order to show evidence of ovulation. 20 women of the 48 (42%) became pregnant. However, 7 of the 20 miscarried."

Reduced Risk of Miscarriage - "Another aspect of PCOS-related infertility is the tendency for repeated miscarriages. One study looked at 65 women who took Glucophage (Metformin) during their pregnancies vs. 31 who did not.  The first-trimester loss rate in the Metformin group was 8.8% as compared to a 41.9% loss in the untreated group. Of those women who had previously miscarried, 11.1% of the Metformin group miscarried again, while 58.3% of the untreated group miscarried."


Reduced Risk of Gestational Diabetes - "In another study, gestational diabetes risk was evaluated in two groups of PCOS women. The first group was 33 non-diabetic women who had conceived while taking Metformin or took it during their pregnancy. This group was compared to 39 PCOS women who did not take it. Only 3% of the Metformin group developed gestational diabetes as compared to 31% in the non-Metformin group."  

Other Benefits - "Metformin may also contribute to weight-loss, lowering of cholesterol and testosterone levels (yay!), as well as improving success with in-vitro fertilization."

Taken from: http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/glucophage-metformin-pcos.html

So, the plan is for me to take the Metformin for 3 months. For the first week I will take a pill once a day, the next week I will take it twice a day, and from the third week onward I will take it three times daily (hope I have all this straight), so that's 500mg (1500mg total) three times a day. I am choosing to enter into this with hope, optimism, and the belief that it will work! Doc advised "lots of sex, morning, noon, and night, doctor's orders!" LOL. So hopefully we'll see some results soon! I still may not be in control, but it is good to feel like I am FINALLY doing something and taking charge of it all! I am very hopeful as DH and I begin this next stage of our journey. On another positive note, we close on our house next Friday! Could it be that things are finally falling into place for us?

P.S. Any  ladies out there reading this who have previously taken Metformin for TTC or are currently on it, please let me know of your experience. I would be really interested in hearing about it, especially success stories.Thanks!

What a Weekend!

Where to begin? My weekend started on Saturday night when we attended a local beauty pageant  my husband's little sister (who is 7) was participating in. Now, this is just what I needed to kick off a Mother's Day weekend that I could not celebrate - to be surrounded by beautiful little girls in beautiful dresses, all looking like little princesses. Oh, and I should mention that there were a couple of rounds just for babies as well. You might imagine that the menstrual cramps coupled with the already high emotions was not a good combination. I'm watching this thing and thinking, "boy what I wouldn't give to have a little girl of my own in this pageant to be cheering for." - I looked around to see so many mothers and grandmothers beaming with pride. Then I thought to myself, "Well, if we have a little girl I don't know if I want her to participate in these types of things" (except for maybe when she is a baby). - Thankfully, hubby and I agree on this. I know it must be fun to get your little girl all dressed up and etc., but I can't help but feel that doing so is sending the wrong message to your child. I feel it would be teaching her to rely solely on superficial beauty. I want to ensure that my child understands the importance of using one's brain as well. I wouldn't want my little girl to think that she can get by or get attention or praise from her looks alone; I would want her also to understand the importance of intellect and that it is far more valuable than outward appearance. Now look, I know that these are little girls and they are probably only thinking about getting dressed up and looking like a beautiful princess, but I have seen some of the moms at these things and they are waaaay to into it. I mean, if their child wins it's like some sort of status symbol for them or something. It seems that in every category there was one girl who won every crown. And I'm sorry, but it is just downright unsettling to see layers of makeup on a 7-year-old (think toddlers and tiaras).But what do I know, maybe this is just my bitterness talking again?

How could this weekend possibly get any worse you ask? On to Sunday... The day begins with DH putting his arms around me and wishing me a "Happy Future Mother's Day." This was a really sweet gesture and brought tears to my eyes, but the good kind. He knew this day was rough for me so a little support and acknowledgment from him was exactly what I needed. Plus, it's great to know that he still has faith that it WILL happen soon! I need to be assured of that once in awhile, so it's nice when I hear it. Anyway, so I'm going on about the day, doing okay with the cramps and the intermittent weepiness, but really just trying to get everything over with ASAP! So we get to my MIL's house, and I'm doing okay, playing with my niece, etc., until MIL come up to me and says, "I want you to know that you are the best mother here."  And I say, "But...I'm not a mother yet." And she says, "But you will be." And she went on to say how I'm already a mother figure to all the kids in our family and that she just knows it will happen soon, blah, blah, blah. Well, I'm listening to all of this, trying to keep it together when suddenly I just lose it. The flood gates open and it all comes pouring out, I mean there is no stopping it. I am SOBBING in front of everyone who has the privilege to witness my total mental breakdown. At this point my MIL is apologizing profusely, fearing that she has made me upset. In between sobs and as I try to gain my composure, I tell her that she did nothing wrong and that I am just sad because I had really hoped to be celebrating Mother's Day this year. She said that we are working towards making it happen and that in the meantime I should take a look at all the other great things in my life - DH has a wonderful job, and in a matter of days we will be proud homeowners, etc. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but still I can't help but focus on what is missing. There is this fear that I will never be able to celebrate Mother's Day, that I will never know what it's like to be called, "mom." Anyway, my little "episode" was pretty damn embarrassing. Funny that the one thing I was trying to avoid ended up being exactly what happened. I blame the hormones! LOL. I told my MIL that I was on my period, hence the high emotions. She said that this would be my last period for a while - Boy do I hope she's right! At least we managed a somewhat normal time with my side of the family. Thankfully there were no outbursts of any kind which would have been really embarrassing because the majority of them don't know what's going on (as soon as we get settled I plan on filling my mom in).

Tomorrow afternoon is my doctor's appointment. I am really nervous and scared about my results, I fear they won't be good. I PRAY that nothing changes with our initial plan  and that he takes me off the BCP and starts me on Glucophage. I am really anxious to get back to baby-making! We shall see....

Sayonara BCP and Boycotting Mother's Day

So, I don't get a baby for Mother's Day, I get a period. Boy, way to rub salt in an already open wound. As if I really needed this reminder that I am not yet a mom. Thanks a lot universe, for having a laugh at my expense.

In all actuality I know I cannot "skip" Mother's Day, as much as I would like to. No, we still have to celebrate with my mother and grandmother, and my MIL as well. I wish I could just treat this day like any other, but that isn't going to happen.

DH tells me I have a "bad attitude." Well, I'm sorry but I can't help the bitterness and resentment I feel. This is my first Mother's Day since we started trying and I'm having trouble dealing, so sue me! For the last few years I have dreaded Mother's Day, this is nothing new. But since we started TTC, I find that those feelings have only grown in intensity. I hate it when someone makes me feel as if I'm not entitled to my feelings.You'd think he could find it in his heart to be more understanding, more compassionate, but I guess not....

In other news, I am now finished with my two months of BCP. I will take my last folic acid (sugar) pill today (bring on the period!). This means goodbye unexpected breakthrough bleeding, yucky discharge (sorry, TMI), annoying acne and cramps, and most importantly, goodbye to sex with zero chance of pregnancy. Unless of course my OB/GYN decides I need another month of BCP, which I really hope is NOT the case.

I am sure he has my lab results by now as well. I really hope it isn't bad news,  but I guess we'll see come Tuesday...

More Poking and Prodding....

 ...and I thought I was done with all of that...NOT! Went to the lab this morning for more blood work...this time to check my testosterone and dhea levels (thanks a lot hirsutism). Well, what's done is done. In a week's time I will have my results. They are going to be whatever they're going to be and there's nothing I can do about it now. I can only hope for the best but fear the worst. My OB/GYN (bless him), didn't seem too worried about these results or my facial hair, but unfortunately for me, this does little to quiet my fears (he could very well be wrong, after all). As of now, all of my other hormone levels have come back within the normal range...but something tells me the dhea won't be...(as the facial hair seems to suggest as a strong possibility, not that it is all that bad mind you, most of the time it's not even that noticeable, but still really embarrassing for me as I have to pluck and and bleach hairs. I have some hair on my upper lip, chin, and now some growing om the side of my face. It makes me feel less feminine, and certainly less attractive to DH. I joke to him all the time that I should go off and join the circus as the bearded lady. No, but seriously, not that bad.).

I am worried about the dhea being EXTREMELY high, like off the charts high! And if it is what does that mean? What would be the next step? Would there be more testing, more blood work, etc? Apparently it is common for all other hormone levels to be normal while dhea and testosterone come back high? My biggest concern is that if they DO come back high it will preempt our baby-making plans. The plan is for my OB/GYN to take me off BC and start me on Glucophage next. I hope nothing jeopardizes that, and that he will give me the Glucophage regardless of what these results say. IF I end up having to go for more testing or whatever (which I really hope isn't necessary!), fine, just go ahead and give me the Glucophage while you're at it.

I am not prepared to be asked to give up on my dream (which I would refuse to do anyway), as this dream is too important. The journey to become a mother is the most important thing I have fought for in my 28 years on this planet. I remember when I got the news that physically, reproductive wise, everything was fine, no abnormalities, etc. I am still very happy knowing that, knowing that reproductively I am healthy and that physically I CAN have a baby, but now with the possibility of something else being wrong...I am angry that I am allowing this situation to steal away the joy of what I DO KNOW. I mean, look how far I have come in such a short time? I should not allow that to be discounted.

At this point I am still hoping for PCOS and NOT an adrenal issue (though I have been researching something called Late-Onset Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia which apparently gets misdiagnosed for PCOS all the time due to the similarity of symptoms - facial hair, menstrual irregularities, etc. Based on what I've read it sounds scarier than it is, and apparently infertility is treated in much the same way as it would be with PCOS. Still hope it's not that though. And certainly not Cushings or a tumor!)...but time will tell...and I'll certainly find out soon enough one way or the other. Until then I guess I need to steer clear of assumptions and self-diagnoses (ha!). Hopefully this is just my fear talking and things will not be as bad as they seem. At the same time, the pessimistic part of me says that I have been lucky too many times and at some point my luck is going to run out..

Anyone familiar with the show How I Met Your Mother, knows that one of Barney Stinson's signature phrases is, "When I'm sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead." Now understand that this is a mantra I myself have tried to live by (I even have it as my current desktop background), the problem is, I have been feeling more sad and less AWESOME of late....