11dpiui

Well, nurse finally called with my results late yesterday afternoon. I didn't get the exact number but she said my progesterone level was over 40 which is very promising. She said I could test Sunday or Monday but I'm thinking that won't even be necessary. My sore breasts have all but disappeared which means my progesterone has dropped and AF is likely on her way. Add to that the fact that i went to the bathroom this morning and saw brownish CM on the TP. I know better than to think it could be implantation bleeding. I have hoped for this before and it ALWAYS ends up being the start of AF for me. Somehow I don't think this cycle will be any different. Especially since I triggered on CD9, so this is likely just an early period for me. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this cycle did not work. I am trying not to cry right now as I sit here writing this. I just don't understand why it didn't work. I guess my only course of action now is praying that there are no cysts and we can quickly move on to the next attempt. I am just so devastated.

Forgiveness

Yesterday I overheard a conversation about forgiveness: what it is, why we do it, what it costs us to do or not do it. But what do you do if it's not a person you can't forgive, but rather a situation? Like many women going through this, I struggle to forgive the situation of my infertility. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am holding a grudge. Again, like many women on this journey, I think I struggle to forgive myself because I feel like the responsible party. I am the one to blame. I mean, the facts are pretty cut and dry, my husband checks out fine and I am the one a broken mess; an utter disgrace to what it means to be a woman. How could it not be my fault? People often ask me if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband were the one with the issues, would I place blame on him? Well, the answer is of course not. I would never do to others what I am doing myself. I guess the saying is true that often times we are our own worst enemy. No matter how many times my husband assures me that I am not to blame; no matter how much it upsets him to know I think and feel these things, I just can't seem to stop beating myself up. So, how do I forgive the situation we're in, and my feelings of personal responsibility, when I am struggling so much to do so? Just some food for thought.

Just a quick update: I am 10dpiui now and not really feeling much of anything. I have noticed my breasts being a little sore first thing in the morning and some at night, but I contribute that to progesterone. Honestly, It feels no different than the breast tenderness I get before AF. They say period symptoms and early pregnancy symptoms feel about the same, but I dunno. I am afraid to hope at this point. The menstrual-like cramps I have been feeling since IUI have about gone and this makes me very nervous, as they usually go away right before my period starts and then come back. I have heard that many women experience lots of CM before getting their BFP, but I have virtually nothing going on down there, which again makes me think AF is on her way. Then again, I never have much in the way of CM anyway, so maybe that's not an indicator for me. I know many women have tested as early as 10dpiui and gotten their BFP, but I just can't take that chance. I am much too afraid. Still have not heard back about my progesterone level. I called and left a message with the nurse so hopefully she will get back to me by the end of the day. I realize that those numbers don't indicate pregnancy either way, but I would still like to know if there's even a CHANCE I could be pregnant. I am not really concerned about the results because I ovulated every time on the lowest dosage of Clomid, So I'm pretty sure that with the injectables being so much more aggressive, plus the fact that I had at least two mature follicles, ovulation was a sure thing. Of course, now I wonder if I'm jinxing the hell out of myself by saying that... 

9DPIUI

I have become notoriously bad about updating this blog. I can't tell you how many times over the past two months I have gone to post something and suddenly just stopped.  I know it's therapeutic to get your feelings out, but with all that's been going on, I just haven't felt like putting any energy into writing things down. As terrible as it is to say, I just haven't cared to share the contents of my struggle with the world. I am 9dpiui and rapidly losing hope. I have been having AF symptoms since the day of IUI, and they seem to be getting stronger now. I am still waiting on a call about my progesterone results, but I'm wondering now if it even matters what they are. All I can say is, it's a good thing I've been seeing the therapist at the clinic since February, because I have a feeling that if this turns out to be a bust I'm going to need her. Oh, and did I mention that I am supposed to test on April 8th? That's two days before my 30th birthday. Can we say DISASTER?! The timing could not be more wrong. And that's if I even get to test, assuming AF hasn't reared her ugly head before then. This could be the most epic of birthdays or the suckiest. I could not think of a better way to ring in my 30s. What an awesome gift for both me and my hubby (his is 10 days after mine, the 20th), but sadly, I don't think it is to be. I know many of you would probably say, "well, it's just your first IUI and the first one doesn't always work" (my friend was one of the fortunate ones who got pregnant the first go-round). The thing is, if this didn't work, I will have a really hard time understanding WHY?! Everything was perfect. I responded to the meds beautifully and had at least two mature follicles (probably more by the time we did IUI because there were a few on the cusp. Husband's sperm count was off the charts. 100 million post-wash with 78% motility, to be exact. I mean, you;d think with putting the sperm right into the uterus they don't even have to do much work, just swim up to the fallopian tube to a waiting egg, and VOILA! You'd think it be a sure thing. How could it go wrong?! I have read about women who got pregnant with much lower numbers, and women who failed to get pregnant with higher ones, so I guess it really is just the luck of the draw. Either way, it sucks not to have any control over the outcome of this. I think that's what sucks about infertility in general, THE. COMPLETE. LACK. OF. CONTROL. We put all our hearts, time, and money into this, without the reassurance that there will be a payoff. My RE cautioned us that although everything looks perfect, there is no guarantee of success. I really couldn't have hoped for a more supportive team, but truthfully I can't wait for the day when I never have to see these people again. Trigger tested out 8 days post. I did that just so I could finally say I know what a positive looks like. At least now I know my hoard of tests actually work. I'm afraid those may be the only positives I'll ever see and they weren't even real. I know many women will continue testing even after trigger is gone, but I just don't think I could put myself through that torture. I don't think I will test at all, but instead wait to see if AF comes. Since the day of the IUI I have been scouring internet message boards analyzing every twinge, every symptom, or lack thereof. I am actually thinking of joining some of these boards because I really need the support. I mean, I have a friend or two that also have the misfortune of being members of the IF club, but it would be nice to have the support of ladies going through it right along with me. I am absolutely terrified. The thought of going through all of this again is exhausting; the nightly injections, the almost daily blood work and ultrasounds. By the end, I was starting to feel like we actually lived at the clinic, not to mention that with the constant poking and prodding, I was beginning to feel like a human pin cushion or some warped version of a lab rat. If this one didn't work, RE said we can only do 3 more cycles before moving on to IVF. If there is one positive note I could end on, the IUI itself was a cinch. I had read horror stories about it, but it was painless and easily the simplest procedure I've ever endured; and I usually have an issue with pelvic exams. I think there is certain amount of loss that comes with ditching timed intercourse and moving on to more invasive measures. There is certainly a grieving process in knowing that my husband and I will likely never conceive a baby the "natural" way; the way all our friends and family members do and take for granted. There is a sense of resentment and bitterness that  comes with conception no loner being a private act of love between partners, but now a very public endeavor surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses. All I can say is, I really hope this works.