Forgiveness

Yesterday I overheard a conversation about forgiveness: what it is, why we do it, what it costs us to do or not do it. But what do you do if it's not a person you can't forgive, but rather a situation? Like many women going through this, I struggle to forgive the situation of my infertility. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am holding a grudge. Again, like many women on this journey, I think I struggle to forgive myself because I feel like the responsible party. I am the one to blame. I mean, the facts are pretty cut and dry, my husband checks out fine and I am the one a broken mess; an utter disgrace to what it means to be a woman. How could it not be my fault? People often ask me if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband were the one with the issues, would I place blame on him? Well, the answer is of course not. I would never do to others what I am doing myself. I guess the saying is true that often times we are our own worst enemy. No matter how many times my husband assures me that I am not to blame; no matter how much it upsets him to know I think and feel these things, I just can't seem to stop beating myself up. So, how do I forgive the situation we're in, and my feelings of personal responsibility, when I am struggling so much to do so? Just some food for thought.

Just a quick update: I am 10dpiui now and not really feeling much of anything. I have noticed my breasts being a little sore first thing in the morning and some at night, but I contribute that to progesterone. Honestly, It feels no different than the breast tenderness I get before AF. They say period symptoms and early pregnancy symptoms feel about the same, but I dunno. I am afraid to hope at this point. The menstrual-like cramps I have been feeling since IUI have about gone and this makes me very nervous, as they usually go away right before my period starts and then come back. I have heard that many women experience lots of CM before getting their BFP, but I have virtually nothing going on down there, which again makes me think AF is on her way. Then again, I never have much in the way of CM anyway, so maybe that's not an indicator for me. I know many women have tested as early as 10dpiui and gotten their BFP, but I just can't take that chance. I am much too afraid. Still have not heard back about my progesterone level. I called and left a message with the nurse so hopefully she will get back to me by the end of the day. I realize that those numbers don't indicate pregnancy either way, but I would still like to know if there's even a CHANCE I could be pregnant. I am not really concerned about the results because I ovulated every time on the lowest dosage of Clomid, So I'm pretty sure that with the injectables being so much more aggressive, plus the fact that I had at least two mature follicles, ovulation was a sure thing. Of course, now I wonder if I'm jinxing the hell out of myself by saying that...