A, B, C....as easy as 1, 2, 3

A. Age when you started TTC: Me: 27 Hubby: 30

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Baby Dancing or baby-making. Usually it's just, "let's get to baby-making!" or, "let's make a baby!" sometimes it's just, "time to do it!"

C. Children wanted: I used to say two, but now I'll be happy if we can at least get one out of the deal.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two pugs!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Daily prenatal

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Nothing yet. But will (fingers crossed!) be adding Glucophage and possibly Clomid to the mix very soon! I am also currently on BC to get my cycles regulated and hopefully give my ovaries a jump-start!

G. Gain: In the last year? About 10 lbs. :(

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Haven't had one of those, but I recently had a D&C with hysteroscopy, as well as an ultrasound - All clear!

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: People who say, "just relax and it will happen." I find women who say this have no idea what it's like to want a baby so badly and yet not get pregnant. They just seem to be able to have sex once and get pregnant. I also can't stand pregnant women who constantly complain about their symptoms. Do they not realize how lucky they are?! Also, I hate parents who mistreat and abuse their kids while a good couple like my husband and I are facing disappointment and heartache month after month.

J. Job title: Currently? Full-time grad student. Getting my Master's in mental health counseling. Heck, after all this, I may need therapy myself!

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Eh, not too worried about that. I find that names we like have already been used by others, though I would like to come up with something original.

L. Length of time TTC: A year (almost). Next month will be a year. :(

M. Miscarriages: None. And I pray to God it stays that way!

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've gone to the same OB/GYN since I was 19.

O. Ovarian quality: Okay, apparently...

P. POAS or wait for AF: Well, since my periods are irregular....POAS.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "So, any news? Do we have a baby yet?" Ugh!

R. RE, OB/Gyn or other? OB/GYN

S. Sperm: Hasn't been checked yet...

T. Time you tried naturally: 11 months

U. Uterus quality: According to my OB/GYN, "perfect."

V. Vagina: Umm....not sure what to say to this one!

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Nothing yet. Though we are about to move into our first home and I am contemplating going ahead and getting the nursery set up. Gender-neutral, of course. Good idea? Yeah, I'm not sure either....

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? A few close friends and, thanks to my mother-in-law, everyone on my husband's side of the family!

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yes.

Z. Zits: Yes! All thanks to this stupid BC I am on!

Bah Humbug!

Sorry I haven't updated in a bit, been in sort of a funk lately. I find that since DH and I have been TTC, I have turned into such a scrooge when it comes to the holidays. I just don't have any spirit in me.This Easter was particularly hard. When am I going to get to buy a little Easter dress or suit? When will it be my turn to hide Easter eggs for my child, instead of watching other people's kids from the sidelines? I wonder, will I always be nothing more than a spectator in others' lives, never getting to participate or be a part of holiday memories with a child of my own? Yes, it's fun to watch my nieces and nephews, sure, but that's not enough anymore, I want more, I deserve more! And don't even get me started on Mother's Day...as far as I am concerned, we can skip that day entirely and just go straight on to the next. I mean no disrespect to my mother, or MIL, of course, but it is just too painful. When we started trying to conceive almost a year ago now, I had hoped to at least be pregnant by the time mother's day rolled around. Looks like this will be my first motherless mother's day since embarking on our journey to conceive - But hopefully not the first of many! June 14th will mark a year that we've been trying, although I guess technically I can't even count the last two months. I have even hoped that by some chance I would get pregnant on the pill, though I know that that is a virtually zero possibility (even though you hear of women "accidentally" getting pregnant while on the pill all the time...probably no such luck for me, though). Wouldn't it be great if it did happen when I least expected it and wasn't really thinking about it?! But who am I kidding, I am ALWAYS thinking about babies, our baby. I eat, sleep, live, dream, and breathe babies - JUST ASK MY HUSBAND! HAHA.

And speaking of BC, I don't know what's up with mine but it is really causing me to breakout. It seems that suddenly I am a teenager again. As if it wasn't bad enough to be on the pill in the first place, now I have to deal with annoying adolescent acne on top of it. And did I mention the breakthrough bleeding I keep having at completely random and inconvenient times? Great! I don't even fully understand why I'm on the pill in the first place. I know my doc said we need to regulate my cycles, that I get. But why put a woman who was already having trouble with ovulation on BC which suppresses ovulation? I was on BC for five years before going off and I fully believe that that's the reason I have problems with my cycles now. But then again, I'm not the expert so what do I know? I don't mean to make it sound like I don't trust my ob/gyn, really I do, I think he's wonderful. I just wish there was another option for regulating my cycles besides resorting to BC. I know he is going to be giving me Glucophage  to hopefully induce ovulation, but how is being on the pill for two months really going to make a difference? Likely I will just go right back to the irregular mess I was before, having a period every 3 months, etc.

And I have to go Monday for more blood work.  This time he is testing my testosterone and dhea levels. I am really scared now that the results will come back high and then he won't give me the glucophage. I will be absolutely devastated if that happens!  This medicine is the only hope I have right now of possibly getting pregnant. Please God don't let him take it away from me! I have been trying desperately to hold onto that hope, because right now it is the only thing I have, the only thing that's keeping me sane! I have so much riding on this and can't afford to lose out now - emotionally, mentally, I don't think I could take it! And now I am worried that there may be something wrong with my adrenals. Reproductive wise everything looks fine, doc can find no abnormalities. So, given my symptoms, does this now point to an adrenal cause, like a tumor? Or could it still be PCOS? God I'm terrified! I'm deathly afraid that the results will come back way out of normal range and then that will put everything on hold and screw everything up for us!

I'll be damned if I am going to let anything take our dream of parenthood away. I know that reproductively I am healthy (physically anyway). If it comes to the worst case scenario I will have some of my eggs harvested (assuming I actually have any). Yes, I know I'm thinking a little crazy here, but that's what fear will do to a person. Hopefully it won't come to any of that, but I will never give up! I am a fighter! All of my other hormone levels have been fine, so hopefully these will be the same.

In other news, we are still trying to close on our house, so that's been stressful. Our original closing date was this Friday, but it has now been extended to May 20th. We are in the process of getting the last things done, like the appraisal, for instance, but our bank is taking their sweet ass time to get things done. Our loan officer is out of town for the whole week (perfect timing, hu?) so DH has been calling all week trying to get a hold of someone else at the bank who could help while she's gone. Today, someone from the bank FINALLY calls back and says that the appraisal can be done by the end of week. It damn well better be is all I have to say about it! The lady taking over in our mortgage officer's absence, was supposed to send us paperwork to sign for the appraisal last Thursday, Its been almost a week and she still hasn't sent them! How do they expect to get anything done?! I am very disappointed in the way we have been treated in her absence. It has been very unprofessional, waiting days to return our calls and so on. Don't they realize such unprofessional conduct is bad for business and WILL cause them to lose customers? C'mon people! I told DH when our lady gets back on Monday he needs to give her an ear full about how we have been treated this past week. And I am also peeved at her as well for taking a week's vacation when she KNEW our original closing date was this Friday and she said not a word about being out of the office then. They will need to get their asses in gear because we will NOT be asking for a second extension. No, I'm not stressed at all. LOL.

If we could just get our house in order things would be almost perfect, almost...

Okay, AF....you lied!

Now on day 6 of my period. I thought you were going away, but yet here you are still hanging around. Ugh, why can't you just leave me alone?! You trickster, you! Talk about an unwelcome visitor! No woman TTC is ever happy to see her period. Especially not one that continues to hang and hang around! Yep, I think it's fair to say you've worn out your welcome. I appreciate that you eased up on the annoying cramps, but I want your bags packed and outta here by tomorrow!

Tired....

Tired of waiting, tired of wasting time. I am drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just turned 28. In a few days DH will turn 31. Did we wait too long to start trying? I don't even want to think about how being 28 affects my fertility. Yes, I know it's not that bad. I know there are women well into their 40s successfully conceiving, and with the advancements in medical technology, it now seems that almost anything is possible. Still though, I can't help but wonder if we would have stood a better chance if we'd started trying when I was 25. Would things be different now if we had? These are the questions I ask myself every day; constantly worrying and second-guessing myself. I don't think DH has much to worry about. He will always have sperm. Hell, he could be 70 and still knock someone up! Me though...I was born with all the eggs I am ever going to have. What if at 28 they are already drying up?! What if I can never give my husband the child I so desperately want to give him? I am plagued with doubt, shame, and guilt. Will this just end up being another in a long line of ways I have failed him? I hope not. I know he would never leave me, but I certainly wouldn't blame him if one day he decided to. Our relationship is strong. We are not only husband and wife, but best friends as well. Still though, I can't help but worry that if we don't get our happy ending, he will someday resent me for what I couldn't give him. Already I feel like I'm holding him back and I hate it! Meanwhile, I am doing everything in my power to ensure we achieve our dream. I know he knows this, but every time he is with our little niece, I see how much he wants a child of his own. I get a glimpse of the wonderful father he will be and it breaks my heart. I know he is strong and supportive and optimistic for me, but I can't help but wonder if deep down it bothers him more than he lets on?  I know we are only in the beginning stages of our journey, and I am nowhere near ready to give up because if there's one thing I am it's a fighter!

Apparently this was a pity-party post, but at least it took on a positive tone there at the end. All is not lost. :)

The Calm...

Now on day five of my period, this is the first morning I have woken up without immediately needing to reach for an Advil. It also seems that my flow is a bit lighter today...I hope! And thankfully I haven't seen anymore big clots since the first day. Looks like I won't be needing to call my doc after all. I should be fine until my appointment next month. I am just hoping Aunt Flow will be completely gone in the next day or two...five days is enough! So much for BC making my periods lighter and shorter....

Period from hell strikes again!

Okay, so at least I know the BC is working and doing its job, but I am bleeding really heavily and having bad cramps. I thought BC was supposed to make periods lighter and shorter? At least from what I remember...but this doesn't appear to be doing that. I am wonder if it is so heavy because this is the first period I have had since my D&C and hysteroscopy procedure? On the first day of my period I got really freaked out. I began passing large clotty tissue-y looking things (I know, TMI). In all my years of dealing with a period, I have never seen anything like this. I called my DH in to look at it (because I was so freaked) and even he thought it was gross! I was going to call my OB/GYN but I only saw it twice the first day and no more since (Thank God), so I think I will just wait and bring it up at my appointment. I don't think it's an infection because I didn't have a fever or anything. I just had bad stomach cramps and once the "thing" passed I felt much better. I just assume it was left over "stuff" from my procedure (gross I know), and nothing to be overly-concerned about...I hope! Doc said my uterus was perfect and it better stay that way! I've read horror stories about the D&C causing scarring to the uterus and even making infertility worse for some women...which is ironic considering it's supposed to help you achieve pregnancy!  Oh well, I made a note of it as well as my heavy period and will be discussing it with my doc when I go back in less than a month. Maybe next month will not be so bad...here's hoping!

I am so over BC...I am ready to move on. Being on it makes me sad and depressed because I hate that hubby and I are missing out on potential "baby-making" time and that while I am on it I have virtually zero chance of getting pregnant. I know I only have one more month to go..but still. 

Wonderful news to report!

No, I'm not pregnant..yet, but I do have great news...they accepted our offer on the house! Yep, that's right. Can you believe it?! And the best part is that we received the news just days shy of my birthday, which is exactly what I was hoping for! Think this will make turning 28 on Sunday a little easier? LOL. I predict this will be the best, most memorable birthday ever, for both me and my love (his is in April, too)! The only thing that could possibly make it better is to find out I'm pregnant, but I just Knoooow that is in our very near future! Hubby and I are both soooooo excited! Can't believe how blessed we are! When I think about where we were even a few months ago compared to where we are now; it just goes to show that when times are tough they will not stay that way forever - one just has to have faith that things WILL get better! After two years of being stuck we're finally moving in the right direction. What an indescribably wonderful feeling! I guess now we can really start planning for the house...which means that I am free to let my imagination run wild with decorating ideas, etc! Before now I was cautiously optimistic, trying not to let myself get too excited or invested, but now that it's official there is no stopping me! LOL. I am taking this great news as a sign of other wonderful things soon to come in our lives. In a few days I will begin my last month of BC before returning to the OB/GYN in May. I am taking this good fortunate as a sign that a pregnancy will be right around the corner...God willing! I really believe that with what doc is going to be giving me for ovulation, plus moving into our house, I should get pregnant soon after...I mean it couldn't be more perfect! A baby is the only thing that could make us happier than we are right now...it's the piece we're waiting for to complete our lives!

And it happens again...ugh!

Seriously, If another woman on FB announces that she is pregnant I am going to gouge my eyes out. I don't mean to come off all homicidal and bitchy, but every time I see this it just hurts my heart; deep, deep, down. I can't help but wonder, when is it going to be MY turn?! :( 

Really?!

I knew it! Some jackass on FB just had to announce that they were pregnant as an April Fool's joke! Guess what people, IT'S NOT FUNNY!!! Never joke about being pregnant around a woman TTC! And here I'd hoped I could make it through this day without being subjected to crap like that...should have known better! Ugh! I should just stay away from the internet today...