Tired....

Tired of waiting, tired of wasting time. I am drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just turned 28. In a few days DH will turn 31. Did we wait too long to start trying? I don't even want to think about how being 28 affects my fertility. Yes, I know it's not that bad. I know there are women well into their 40s successfully conceiving, and with the advancements in medical technology, it now seems that almost anything is possible. Still though, I can't help but wonder if we would have stood a better chance if we'd started trying when I was 25. Would things be different now if we had? These are the questions I ask myself every day; constantly worrying and second-guessing myself. I don't think DH has much to worry about. He will always have sperm. Hell, he could be 70 and still knock someone up! Me though...I was born with all the eggs I am ever going to have. What if at 28 they are already drying up?! What if I can never give my husband the child I so desperately want to give him? I am plagued with doubt, shame, and guilt. Will this just end up being another in a long line of ways I have failed him? I hope not. I know he would never leave me, but I certainly wouldn't blame him if one day he decided to. Our relationship is strong. We are not only husband and wife, but best friends as well. Still though, I can't help but worry that if we don't get our happy ending, he will someday resent me for what I couldn't give him. Already I feel like I'm holding him back and I hate it! Meanwhile, I am doing everything in my power to ensure we achieve our dream. I know he knows this, but every time he is with our little niece, I see how much he wants a child of his own. I get a glimpse of the wonderful father he will be and it breaks my heart. I know he is strong and supportive and optimistic for me, but I can't help but wonder if deep down it bothers him more than he lets on?  I know we are only in the beginning stages of our journey, and I am nowhere near ready to give up because if there's one thing I am it's a fighter!

Apparently this was a pity-party post, but at least it took on a positive tone there at the end. All is not lost. :)