Bah Humbug!

Sorry I haven't updated in a bit, been in sort of a funk lately. I find that since DH and I have been TTC, I have turned into such a scrooge when it comes to the holidays. I just don't have any spirit in me.This Easter was particularly hard. When am I going to get to buy a little Easter dress or suit? When will it be my turn to hide Easter eggs for my child, instead of watching other people's kids from the sidelines? I wonder, will I always be nothing more than a spectator in others' lives, never getting to participate or be a part of holiday memories with a child of my own? Yes, it's fun to watch my nieces and nephews, sure, but that's not enough anymore, I want more, I deserve more! And don't even get me started on Mother's Day...as far as I am concerned, we can skip that day entirely and just go straight on to the next. I mean no disrespect to my mother, or MIL, of course, but it is just too painful. When we started trying to conceive almost a year ago now, I had hoped to at least be pregnant by the time mother's day rolled around. Looks like this will be my first motherless mother's day since embarking on our journey to conceive - But hopefully not the first of many! June 14th will mark a year that we've been trying, although I guess technically I can't even count the last two months. I have even hoped that by some chance I would get pregnant on the pill, though I know that that is a virtually zero possibility (even though you hear of women "accidentally" getting pregnant while on the pill all the time...probably no such luck for me, though). Wouldn't it be great if it did happen when I least expected it and wasn't really thinking about it?! But who am I kidding, I am ALWAYS thinking about babies, our baby. I eat, sleep, live, dream, and breathe babies - JUST ASK MY HUSBAND! HAHA.

And speaking of BC, I don't know what's up with mine but it is really causing me to breakout. It seems that suddenly I am a teenager again. As if it wasn't bad enough to be on the pill in the first place, now I have to deal with annoying adolescent acne on top of it. And did I mention the breakthrough bleeding I keep having at completely random and inconvenient times? Great! I don't even fully understand why I'm on the pill in the first place. I know my doc said we need to regulate my cycles, that I get. But why put a woman who was already having trouble with ovulation on BC which suppresses ovulation? I was on BC for five years before going off and I fully believe that that's the reason I have problems with my cycles now. But then again, I'm not the expert so what do I know? I don't mean to make it sound like I don't trust my ob/gyn, really I do, I think he's wonderful. I just wish there was another option for regulating my cycles besides resorting to BC. I know he is going to be giving me Glucophage  to hopefully induce ovulation, but how is being on the pill for two months really going to make a difference? Likely I will just go right back to the irregular mess I was before, having a period every 3 months, etc.

And I have to go Monday for more blood work.  This time he is testing my testosterone and dhea levels. I am really scared now that the results will come back high and then he won't give me the glucophage. I will be absolutely devastated if that happens!  This medicine is the only hope I have right now of possibly getting pregnant. Please God don't let him take it away from me! I have been trying desperately to hold onto that hope, because right now it is the only thing I have, the only thing that's keeping me sane! I have so much riding on this and can't afford to lose out now - emotionally, mentally, I don't think I could take it! And now I am worried that there may be something wrong with my adrenals. Reproductive wise everything looks fine, doc can find no abnormalities. So, given my symptoms, does this now point to an adrenal cause, like a tumor? Or could it still be PCOS? God I'm terrified! I'm deathly afraid that the results will come back way out of normal range and then that will put everything on hold and screw everything up for us!

I'll be damned if I am going to let anything take our dream of parenthood away. I know that reproductively I am healthy (physically anyway). If it comes to the worst case scenario I will have some of my eggs harvested (assuming I actually have any). Yes, I know I'm thinking a little crazy here, but that's what fear will do to a person. Hopefully it won't come to any of that, but I will never give up! I am a fighter! All of my other hormone levels have been fine, so hopefully these will be the same.

In other news, we are still trying to close on our house, so that's been stressful. Our original closing date was this Friday, but it has now been extended to May 20th. We are in the process of getting the last things done, like the appraisal, for instance, but our bank is taking their sweet ass time to get things done. Our loan officer is out of town for the whole week (perfect timing, hu?) so DH has been calling all week trying to get a hold of someone else at the bank who could help while she's gone. Today, someone from the bank FINALLY calls back and says that the appraisal can be done by the end of week. It damn well better be is all I have to say about it! The lady taking over in our mortgage officer's absence, was supposed to send us paperwork to sign for the appraisal last Thursday, Its been almost a week and she still hasn't sent them! How do they expect to get anything done?! I am very disappointed in the way we have been treated in her absence. It has been very unprofessional, waiting days to return our calls and so on. Don't they realize such unprofessional conduct is bad for business and WILL cause them to lose customers? C'mon people! I told DH when our lady gets back on Monday he needs to give her an ear full about how we have been treated this past week. And I am also peeved at her as well for taking a week's vacation when she KNEW our original closing date was this Friday and she said not a word about being out of the office then. They will need to get their asses in gear because we will NOT be asking for a second extension. No, I'm not stressed at all. LOL.

If we could just get our house in order things would be almost perfect, almost...