Just one of those days…

Sometimes I think I should just delete Facebook altogether. I was just on there and saw yet another pregnancy announcement. I happen to know that this woman is happily married; I don't know whether the pregnancy was planned or not. I saw the announcement and my heart just fell. I know this makes me seem like a horrible person, but I can't help how I feel. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness, but I long for the day when I'll be able to make that announcement to friends and loved ones. This person is aware of my own struggles to conceive, and never once has she mentioned trying to get pregnant. In fact, it always seemed that having children right now was the last thing on her mind. Guess I was wrong...In all our talks, why would she have never mentioned trying to get pregnant herself? That is what what leads me to believe that this was an unplanned pregnancy. Surely she would have confided in me had she been trying, right? At least this is not another teen pregnancy or some crack whore who is completely ill-equipped to care for a child. This woman is happily married, and she and her husband can provide a stable, loving home for any child. I have no doubt that they will be wonderful parents. Still, I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I guess that makes me selfish. Why is it so easy for some women to get pregnant, and yet so hard for others? It just doesn't seem fair. Honestly, at this point, I wonder how any woman actually manages to get pregnant. I guess some are just luckier than others. But then I wonder, "where is my luck?" "what is wrong with me?" Am I a bad person?" "am I being punished?" "why hasn't it happened yet?" These are the questions I ask myself every day. It would be one thing if it was just me in this, but my husband shouldn't have to suffer for my shortcomings. I know he doesn't see it this way, but again, I can't help how I feel. I feel like I'm holding him back from being the wonderful father he deserves to be and I hate it!

In other news, I think I may have spoken too soon about the Met not being so bad. I am still having stomach issues and have been experiencing nausea on and off over the last few days. It would be one thing if it was due to pregnancy, but I know it's just the meds. I remain hopeful that the meds are doing their job, but the doubt still creeps in and I fear it may never work. When I start to feel this way, my anxiety level goes way up and I feel like all the oxygen has been sucked from the room and I can't breathe. I try my best to keep the negative thoughts at bay, putting on a brave face that exudes optimism, but it has been difficult to say the least.

Okay, enough of this "woe is me" pity party i've got goin' on. Need to get out of this funk!

Charting and Temping and POASing, Oh My!

 So, what has been going on since my last update? Well, still on 1000mg of the Met and doing okay with it. This Friday I will be upping my dosage to 1500mg and that is the dosage I will stay on from here on out (or at least until I get my BFP)! I still have the occasional upset tummy with the Met, but overall my side-effects have gotten a lot better, and thankfully, haven't gotten any worse as I have increased my dosage! From the horror stories I read, I really didn't know what I'd be in for with this medicine, but it really hasn't been that bad. A little unpleasant, a little inconvenient at times maybe, but not absolutely horrible. I keep telling myself I am able to handle it so well because I am a tough chic, but really, I am not all that tough so that probably isn't the reason. lol. I think it is just because I have made up my mind and I am determined. I have set out to achieve a goal; a dream, and I am determined to let nothing stand in the way of achieving that dream (as I am sure many of you ladies reading this blog have the same dream). And really, what is a little GI trouble if it helps me to achieve my dream of being a mother? If I can make my husband into the wonderful father I know he is destined to be? If we can achieve our dream of parenthood? Well, I don't know about you all, but a few trips to the bathroom seems like a small price to pay if we are granted our ultimate dream. I will happily endure this and more if it helps me to get one step closer to the child I so long for. Our child. When it comes to that desire for a child; no price is too high, no hurtle unjumpable (is that even a word? lol), and no obstacle insurmountable. It is amazing to me how that love for our child, that willingness to do anything for them, starts even before they are born; before they are even placed in our arms. As of now, my child is nothing more than I hope in my heart; a hope I carry with me each day. I have not met my child yet, but trust, and believe that I will at some point in the future very soon. I can say that I love my future child, and am willing to do anything necessary to ensure that he (or she?) makes their way into our lives to become a part of our family.

In other news, Now that I am on the Met, I need to know if it is helping me ovulate, so I have started using an OPK for the first time. I have tested for 2 days now and so far no sign of the big O. I was a little upset yesterday when it came up negative; even though I knew it probably would, I will still hoping that it would be positive and then DH and I could go BD right away. lol. Oh well, I am trying not to get too discouraged. I am going to continue testing every day this week, so hopefully at some point we will get a positive! The problem is that since my cycles are so irregular, I am not really sure when to test. My last period was about 10 days ago now, so I figured this was as good a time as any to commence with the testing.  My cycle lengths are all over the place, though, so I really just don't know. It really is frustrating not to have any idea when, or even IF, you O. My 3 months on the pill I had two perfect 28 day cycles and one 35 (though I think this is only because I started the last pack a little late because I had to get it from my doctor). I would be happy if the Met could give me 35 day cycles, as that is still well within the normal range. It would be nice to know exactly when I O, BD on those days, and then have the 2WW to find out if I am pregnant. As of now, I have never even had the 2WW due to my cycle irregularities. It's usually just been, "have sex as much as possible and then wait until next month to see if you get your period before testing." Kinda frustrating. Even more so when you miss your period and then get your hopes up thinking you might finally be pregnant only to have the test come out negative. So, I am really hoping that the Met succeeds in regulating my cycles because I really don't want to go through that disappointment and heartache again. The next time I miss a period, I want it to be because I am actually pregnant! Is that so much to ask?! No, I don't think so either. lol. Now, it would be great if the OPK was a pregnancy test because this is the only time I have ever gotten two lines on anything!

To end this post on a somewhat exciting note, DH actually ordered me a crib yesterday! Yes, all his idea. We have been looking at cribs for a while now and they are soooo expensive. This one was a steal for $80 bucks and look just as nice as the more expensive ones for a fraction of the cost (see picture above). Anyway, with a deal like that DH just couldn't pass it up. We have a nursery now, so we figured hey, why not. It is a 4-in-1 convertible crib. It converts into a day bed, toddler bed, and later, a full-sized bed with head and footboard. So, it looks like our little one will be covered for a while. lol. I love it because it is exactly what I wanted. It comes in a beautiful Walnut finish, and I even found a beautiful glider to match, which we will order at a later time. The crib should be arriving sometime next week. We will just store it in the garage until we get the nursery painted and carpeted and then DH says he will put it together. Can't wait to see it all assembled. I think it, and the room, is going to be beautiful! When I found out DH was ordering it for me I got really emotional. I can't really explain why; just the meaning behind it I guess. Buying this important piece of furniture was symbolizing that hey, this is it, this is really happening. We are really trying to have a baby and it is GOING to happen! I don't know, it just solidified the whole process and made it all more real somehow. I know for a lot of women TTC, buying baby furniture may sadden or upset them, but for me it just gave me this incredible sense of hope and purpose. I dunno, maybe I am just strange. lol. We certainly weren't planning on buying any baby furniture right away, but a crib that nice and at that price, DH just couldn't let it slip away. Besides, I have faith that we will be making use of it in the near future. I know to most it is an insignificant piece of furniture, but in my case it only helps me be more determined to fight for my dream and never give up, because it WILL happen :)

Upping the Dosage...

So, after being on Met for a week at 500mg, today I will be upping the dosage to 1000mg. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried that the increase may worsen my side-effects (I'm still having stomach issues), but we'll see what happens...let the adventure begin!

Not a Father's Day and First Day with Metformin...

*WARNING* This post contains discussion of certain bodily functions you may not wish to read. If you choose to continue reading, do so at your own risk. You have been warned!

Today my head and heart are heavy. Today is Father's Day. I had hoped that we would be celebrating this year, but sadly, that is not in the cards today. But I know sure as I am writing this, I am determined to make my husband a father...we WILL be celebrating next year!

In other news, started my Met Friday night. When I first took it I got a slight headache and felt a little dizzy, I had assumed, though, that this was from the paint thinner we were using at the house. Not that we were huffing it mind you (lol), but the strong smell of fumes permeated throughout the whole house. Saturday morning I woke up feeling groggy and just generally blah. DH said he felt the same way, so I assume, again, it was from the paint fumes. We both felt hungover even though neither of us had anything to drink the night before. lol. So, Saturday we went to lunch. I had a big salad and started feeling a bit better. We went to run a few errands and it was then that it hit me, the sudden urge to go the bathroom; just out of nowhere; not even an hour after consuming my salad. We had to drop everything and run home so I could relieve myself; I was lucky I even made it. Since then, I have pretty much been living in the bathroom. I went three times yesterday and my poor bum is still sore! lol. I have gone twice today already; my tummy is feeling rumbly and out-of-sorts.  Let's put it this way, I better make our bathrooms in the house look nice since clearly I will be spending a lot of time in them! I will need pretty walls to look at. lol.

 Sorry if this is all TMI. It's a good thing I did some research on my own, otherwise I would never have known about this happy little side-effect and would have been caught totally by surprise! Amazing how our doctors never inform us of this stuff. What, are we supposed to just find out on our own?! Well, good thing I was prepared and armed with knowledge! From what I have researched, GI disturbance is the most commonly reported side-effect in women taking Met for TTC. And, oh, goodie, looks like I'm one of the lucky ladies! What they don't tell you is that this is why some women lose weight on Met, because it gives you the shits (again, sorry to be so vulgar. Hope I am not grossing out or offending anyone. My apologies if so.)!

So far this is the only thing I've really noticed that is different. I am a tough chic. If this is the only side-effect, I can deal with it. The only thing that worries me is that if this is happening now at 500 mg, how much worse is it going to get when I increase my dosage?! Kinda scary...Next week, I have to increase my dosage to 1000 mg, eventually getting up to 1500. I just pray this doesn't get any worse! Anytime it gets bad and I feel like I can't take it anymore, I will just remind myself what all of this is for and tough it out. Hopefully this will get better soon and not last forever. There have been women who have had to eventually go off of it because they couldn't handle the side-effects anymore (mainly the stomach issues), but I won't do that. I won't give up!

OK, enough about that for now...

Happy Father's Day to all the dads, soon-to-be-dads, and hopeful future dads, can't forget about them on Father's day...my DH included. =]

Back in the Game!

And so, here it is, the day we've been waiting for. AF is over so today I will start my meds. I am both excited and nervous about this. For this first week I will take the Met once a day (500 Mg), for the 2nd week twice daily (1000 Mg), and from the 3rd week onward 3 times daily. That's 1500 Mg total, and from what I've read, they really don't like to exceed this dosage. I have to introduce it to my system gradually so as to reduce shock to my system and hopefully (fingers crossed) lessen side-effects. I am hanging all my hopes on this medicine being successful, kinda scary really...

A few days ago marked a year of TTC (although, I guess we can't count the last 3 months because I was on BCPs). I am hoping that the next half of this blog will be not about me trying to achieve pregnancy, but about me actually being pregnant!

It seems that everywhere I look there are pregnant women. Hell, half the women whose blogs I follow are now pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them. Each of them are lovely ladies who deserve this happiness and have endured much to achieve it; at the same time, though, I can't help but wonder, "why not me?" "When is it going to be my turn?" I feel like the kid in school who gets picked last for every sports team...

Oh well, tonight I will pop a pill and say, "here's to our baby." We are now one step closer. :)

Ugh, Ugh, Ugh!!!

I just love it when I'm unaware a woman is even pregnant, and then she posts her 3D ultrasound photo on Facebook for all the world to see. Wonderful. Just the kick in the gut I needed. :( And what adds insult to injury is the fact that this is a woman who "accidentally" got pregnant. We all know the type. No planning, no trying, no heartache, just BOOM, like magic. I am trying to find solace in the knowledge that someday very soon, I will be the one posting those obnoxious announcements and photos.

I just needed to rant about that for a minute. A real update soon to come, I promise. :)

She's Here (and in Full Force)!

This is probably the only time you will hear me say this, but I'm glad AF is here; because the sooner she goes, the sooner I can start my meds. Yay! Last night, despite my stomach discomfort and lower back pain, I was happy because I took my last BCP and then tossed the pack in the garbage. Yes! Hopefully no more BCPs for me for a good long while! This period marks the beginning of the next phase in our journey, a new chapter, a new beginning, and hopefully a much happier one. :)

Much like my fertility, things with the house are progressing slowly; and, much like my quest to become pregnant, it is frustrating to say the least...

Just a short update for now, be back with more later this week. :)

(Infertile) Pet Peeves....

Things I have heard in my year TTC:

I have heard many things in the last year and thought it would be fun to start compiling a list, so here goes. I'm sure many of you have heard these same statements, or variations of, before.

"Just relax and it will happen. That's what worked for us." - Really?! Well, why didn't I think of that? Thank you so much for pointing it out, it seems so obvious now! I'm so glad to know what worked for YOU. Newsflash: I'm not you!

"Maybe if you just stop thinking about it." - I'm sorry, some of us actually like to plan and prepare for our children and don't have the luxury of not *thinking* about the child we are so desperately trying to create.

"If it's God's will, it will happen." - So, let me get this straight, I'm supposed to believe that God would choose a crackhead who leaves her baby in the dumpster to be a mother over me? I don't think so. And I know some truly neglectful mothers who don't deserve the children they have. And what about my will? Doesn't MY WILL count for anything?! I am not going through this fight for my own fun and entertainment, ya know!

"Maybe you're just trying too hard" - I'm sorry, but I don't believe my husband and I can ever be trying *too hard* to achieve our dream of parenthood.

And the list goes on and on....

In other news, still waiting on AF to arrive. But my stomach has been cramping the last few days and I have been weepy, so I know she's coming...

Lucky Number Fifty?

 As I come up on my 50th blog post, I find myself reflecting on how far I have come in this TTC journey, what I have accomplished so far. To most, it probably doesn't seem like much, but to me, it means a great deal. Today I will take my last bcp, then I will just need to wait out AF and once that's over I can start my meds. Yay! I will save my feelings about that for the next blog...

And while we're on the subject, how can I get more followers to my blog? When I started this blog back in January, it was just a therapeutic way for me to express my feelings. While it still is that, I now find that I want people to actually read the things I write. I want to hear from women who are on the same journey as I am. I want comfort and encouragement, and when necessary, someone who can share in misery and heartache. Is my life really so boring? Do women really not care about what I have to say? lol. I follow many blogs and have commented on many of them in the hopes that the person will follow me back, but that doesn't happen. As I said, this was originally for me and I didn't care if anyone saw or read it, but now I really want to share it with others. I want to offer support to women going through the same thing, and have that support in turn. I don't know a lot of women IRL going through this, many of the women I know either already have children, or have no desire whatsoever to be a mother at this time in their lives. It would be nice to be able to come to this space and know there are women who can understand and relate to what I'm going through because they are experiencing the same struggle. So often IRL I feel like I am alone in this, then I come here and read so many wonderful blogs and realize that is not actually the case. I want to use this blog to connect with others, to uplift, support, encourage, and yes, at times, commiserate. So often IRL I am unable to talk about TTC a child. The only person I really confide in is my husband, most others either don't understand, or say things I don't want or need to hear because they just don't get it, but this blog becomes a safe place where I CAN talk about it. A place where I know I will not be judged or looked upon as a freak. So, if anyone has any suggestions for how I can get more people noticing my blog, please feel free to share!

To Paint, or not to Paint? That is the Question....

 So, hubby and I have been keeping the roads hot all week trying to get things in order for the house. This afternoon when he gets home we are going back to Lowe's (surprise) to grab a gazillion paint and carpet samples. Hubby informs me he wants a decision made sometime this weekend. The pressure is on! I feel like this space is becoming more about home improvement than a blog about TTC. But bear with me, it will get relevant in a second.

So, I am still debating on whether to paint the nursery, and if so, what color. Before we got going on this whole painting endeavor I had intended to leave the room as is (a tanish color). Well, then I think, should I just leave it and not bother repainting at all right now? Why am I in such a rush? If I decide to hold off on the painting it's not like I will have missed my chance, since that room is not going to be used for anything else. I keep telling myself it's just a little paint and that positive feelings are good, but what if I'm just setting myself up for heartache? I think I am over-thinking it, as I'm pretty sure I will go ahead and paint the room regardless. I have already made up my mind, already became too invested.

I posted on FB last night asking if people knew of any gender-neutral colors. One girl replied saying, "most people wait until they know the gender before decorating." Okay, first of all, I am not MOST people. Secondly, did you miss the part where I said I am NOT pregnant? Obviously. And of course it's easy for her to be so nonchalant about it, she has two beautiful children. I swear, some people can be so insensitive. Oh well, it's my fault. When seeking people's opinions there is always a risk that something will be said you don't like.

We missed the nosy neighbor yesterday. Hopefully we can dodge her again...

Beware! Nosy Neighbor on the Loose!

 So, yesterday we went to Lowe's (again. Gosh, we should start having to pay rent we've been there so much in the last two weeks) to get all the supplies to build our chain link fence in the backyard. Our first purchase for the home, yay! My mom said, "the things we do to have dogs." And boy is she not wrong (all the fence stuff was quite costly)! But we love our pugs. They are our babies and we want to make sure that after years of apartment life, they now have a nice, big backyard to run around in and enjoy.

We still haven't decided on paint or carpet. Too. Many. Choices. I think I have it narrowed down only to look behind me and see a whole other row of paint samples. It really is overwhelming and gives me a headache just trying to decide. Plus, add to that the fact that hubby keeps going back and forth about whether he wants to paint or not. Meanwhile, I have already become totally invested in this venture. Did he not realize it would be a big project to tackle? Grrrr him and his indecisiveness. Men. LOL. Yes, it's going to be a hassle, but it's going to take a little hassle to make the home our own. It will be so worth it once we're all done.

Now, to get to the title of this post. Yesterday my mom and brother were helping us haul all the fence stuff to our house so we could store it in our garage. Well, as we were leaving, I saw a man and a woman stop my mom in her truck. They talked for a few seconds, then she went on. Well, then the couple started making their way over to our car. Hubby let down his window to greet them and all the while we are thinking, "uh oh, what is going on here?" They introduced themselves as the neighbors and welcomed us to the neighborhood. The lady went on to say that "we are a tight-knit group around here and I like keeping an eye on things." Uh oh. Immediately my spider sense started tingling. Now, you may be thinking, "what's the big deal?" Seems innocent enough. Well, hubby and I have a friend that used to live in the neighborhood, and according to her, this woman is the neighbor from hell. We said, "well, we don't live next door to her so it won't be that big a deal, right?" But our friend said we will feel like we do because this woman will be in our business all the time and making our lives miserable. Great. And here I thought my days of dealing with nosy-business-prying people was soon to be over. As if I haven't already had my fill of that after us living with my grandmother for the past two years. I have this idea in my head that it will be like living on Wisteria Lane, only not half as glamorous. LOL.

On an unrelated note, I bought one of those pregnancy tests and ovulation strips combo packs from Amazon. You know, the kind where you get 40 ovulation test strips and 10 pregnancy test strips for $10 bucks? I have been wanting to try them so I decided to order a pack. I figure I needed to stock up since I will be using them soon anyway. My question for ladies who have used them is, how good do they work? Are they accurate? I read many reviews on Amazon. Some were good, some not so good. I guess I worry because they are cheaper, but when you're someone who tests as often as I do, you need to buy in bulk! I have a few girlfriends who have used them and say they work well enough, so it should be okay. I already have a few pregnancy tests and OPKs I've yet to use, but I wanted to give these strips a try. I figure, hey if they work out fine and I like them, this will definitely be a cheaper way to go and much easier on the pocketbook. We do have a mortgage to think of now, after all. lol. And with any luck, I won't get through the whole pack if you know what I mean!

P.S. I only have a few days of BCPs left and will be so glad when I am through with them for good! I am so tired of having pimples on my face!

Redecorating Frenzy!

We have been busy, busy since buying the house last Friday! In addition to putting down new carpet, hubby has now decided that he wants to repaint the whole house. We were thinking a cream color for the walls, and since I know I'm not pregnant yet and have no idea whether we'll be having a boy or a girl (I think boy, but that's another post), a nice mint green or soft yellow for the nursery (I would not really want to go with the traditional pink or blue anyway). I was originally going to leave the room as is, but since we are now repainting anyway, we figured hey, why not?

As I was looking at the different paint colors yesterday, emotions overcame me and I started to get a little teary. I thought to myself, "I can't believe I am picking out colors for our baby's room, this is really happening." I know it's such a small thing, but it really means so much. It shows that hope is still alive, that we have faith it's going to happen, and soon!

I figure we could paint the nursery now, and then when our child is old enough, he/she could have a say in deciding what color to paint their room next. I can't believe we have a house to paint, let alone a nursery. We are getting this room ready for our child. I haven't even met him/her yet, but already I know I love this child with all my heart and would do anything for him/her. Crazy how that works!

I was showing my mom the nursery the other day and she said, "Well, what if you have twins?" LOL. Does she know something I don't?! It's really funny she mentioned that, because if I end up having to take Clomid, there is a very real chance of that happening! She doesn't know anything about me taking meds to get pregnant or that we have even been trying, but once we move and get settled into our house I plan on talking with her about it. She had trouble getting pregnant with my brother, so I'm sure she'll be able to understand what I'm going through, but at the same time I'm sure she'll be sad that I'm having problems.

I have about a week's worth of BCP's left, then after I have my period I will start the Metformin. I am anxious now more than ever to get started! If anyone has any gender-neutral paint ides for a nursery besides green or yellow, please feel free to share!