What a Weekend!

Where to begin? My weekend started on Saturday night when we attended a local beauty pageant  my husband's little sister (who is 7) was participating in. Now, this is just what I needed to kick off a Mother's Day weekend that I could not celebrate - to be surrounded by beautiful little girls in beautiful dresses, all looking like little princesses. Oh, and I should mention that there were a couple of rounds just for babies as well. You might imagine that the menstrual cramps coupled with the already high emotions was not a good combination. I'm watching this thing and thinking, "boy what I wouldn't give to have a little girl of my own in this pageant to be cheering for." - I looked around to see so many mothers and grandmothers beaming with pride. Then I thought to myself, "Well, if we have a little girl I don't know if I want her to participate in these types of things" (except for maybe when she is a baby). - Thankfully, hubby and I agree on this. I know it must be fun to get your little girl all dressed up and etc., but I can't help but feel that doing so is sending the wrong message to your child. I feel it would be teaching her to rely solely on superficial beauty. I want to ensure that my child understands the importance of using one's brain as well. I wouldn't want my little girl to think that she can get by or get attention or praise from her looks alone; I would want her also to understand the importance of intellect and that it is far more valuable than outward appearance. Now look, I know that these are little girls and they are probably only thinking about getting dressed up and looking like a beautiful princess, but I have seen some of the moms at these things and they are waaaay to into it. I mean, if their child wins it's like some sort of status symbol for them or something. It seems that in every category there was one girl who won every crown. And I'm sorry, but it is just downright unsettling to see layers of makeup on a 7-year-old (think toddlers and tiaras).But what do I know, maybe this is just my bitterness talking again?

How could this weekend possibly get any worse you ask? On to Sunday... The day begins with DH putting his arms around me and wishing me a "Happy Future Mother's Day." This was a really sweet gesture and brought tears to my eyes, but the good kind. He knew this day was rough for me so a little support and acknowledgment from him was exactly what I needed. Plus, it's great to know that he still has faith that it WILL happen soon! I need to be assured of that once in awhile, so it's nice when I hear it. Anyway, so I'm going on about the day, doing okay with the cramps and the intermittent weepiness, but really just trying to get everything over with ASAP! So we get to my MIL's house, and I'm doing okay, playing with my niece, etc., until MIL come up to me and says, "I want you to know that you are the best mother here."  And I say, "But...I'm not a mother yet." And she says, "But you will be." And she went on to say how I'm already a mother figure to all the kids in our family and that she just knows it will happen soon, blah, blah, blah. Well, I'm listening to all of this, trying to keep it together when suddenly I just lose it. The flood gates open and it all comes pouring out, I mean there is no stopping it. I am SOBBING in front of everyone who has the privilege to witness my total mental breakdown. At this point my MIL is apologizing profusely, fearing that she has made me upset. In between sobs and as I try to gain my composure, I tell her that she did nothing wrong and that I am just sad because I had really hoped to be celebrating Mother's Day this year. She said that we are working towards making it happen and that in the meantime I should take a look at all the other great things in my life - DH has a wonderful job, and in a matter of days we will be proud homeowners, etc. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but still I can't help but focus on what is missing. There is this fear that I will never be able to celebrate Mother's Day, that I will never know what it's like to be called, "mom." Anyway, my little "episode" was pretty damn embarrassing. Funny that the one thing I was trying to avoid ended up being exactly what happened. I blame the hormones! LOL. I told my MIL that I was on my period, hence the high emotions. She said that this would be my last period for a while - Boy do I hope she's right! At least we managed a somewhat normal time with my side of the family. Thankfully there were no outbursts of any kind which would have been really embarrassing because the majority of them don't know what's going on (as soon as we get settled I plan on filling my mom in).

Tomorrow afternoon is my doctor's appointment. I am really nervous and scared about my results, I fear they won't be good. I PRAY that nothing changes with our initial plan  and that he takes me off the BCP and starts me on Glucophage. I am really anxious to get back to baby-making! We shall see....