I don't even know what to say. Since yesterday I have felt so numb, like I'm not even really here. It turns out rescheduling my appointment from Tuesday to Thursday was a blessing in disguise, but little did I realize the delay was only putting off the inevitable of what would come next. Oh well, at least it gave me an extra day or two to foolishly believe all was okay before it was shattered, and now I can't go back. I was not prepared for what happened. I was completely blindsided. I was expecting to go in and come out with Clomid. But apparently because my body failed to respond to the Met in the way we'd hoped, I am not a candidate for Clomid at this time. According to Dr. C, my cycles have to be regulated in order for Clomid to have a chance of doing any good. And now, not only am I not on Clomid, he also told me to stop the Met since it isn't working and was making so miserable. So now I have nothing.

But wait, it gets worse. The next words out of Dr. C's mouth were, "I think we may be at the point now where it's time to see a fertility specialist." I was shocked when I heard this. I was fumbling for words as I didn't know what to say; completely caught off guard by the mere suggestion.  I knew that we may eventually have to go that route, I knew it may be in the future, but I didn't know it would be now, not so soon. I thought I had other options. I thought I had more time. I feel my own doctor is giving up on me, that he is throwing in the towel and handing me off to someone else because I am such a hopeless case. I know that this is irrational. I know that I should be grateful to Dr. C for not wasting my time, but I can't help it.  So the plan is that Dr. C is going to consult with a fertility specialist to see if there is anything else we can try before moving on to more drastic measures. But honestly, I feel that we are once again just delaying the inevitable. If my OB/GYN couldn't succeed in regulating my periods, how on earth is anyone going to be able to?!

I am so afraid to start down that path, because I know that once we do there is no turning back. I held it together while I was in the office, but as soon as I got outside I broke down. Right now I am devoid of hope and I feel so lost; with no since of direction or plan. Perhaps that is the hardest thing to deal with right now, that I feel I'm right back at square one. I can't believe the last several months have been for nothing. Sure we can still keep "trying," but that didn't work for over a year and I have very little hope of it working now. I know if I do conceive naturally it would be a miracle because my body is so screwed up. I am so angry and resentful of my body right now. Why can't it just work like it should?! I feel like a failure as a woman because apparently I can't accomplish what my body was designed to do. I feel like I'm letting my husband down; if he'd married someone else I'm sure he'd have a kid by now. And the cost?! We just bought a house, we have a mortgage, how on earth will we ever be able to afford a fertility clinic?! I sure hope they have an installment plan! I was really thrown a curve ball yesterday and I'm still trying to make sense of it all. It's not fair. We have so much love to give so why can't we just have our baby?!

have lost all hope at the moment and just want to shut down. I can't believe we are at this point so soon. If any of you ladies are reading this right now please weigh in. I am really at a loss right now and desperately in need of some hope and encouragement. For the first time I truly fear that it may never happen; that we may never be parents. Last night when I got home I was so upset that I had 2 glasses of wine and went to bed. I fear that this weekend is probably going to hold much of the same for me. I hope you all have a much better weekend than I'm going to. Sorry to be such a downer, but if you got this far thanks for reading.

~ Kellie