Wow, what do you do when your blog isn't even a safe place anymore? This blog used to be my safe haven from all the "fertiles" of the world, but now it seems that my entire reading list is filled with new mommies or those that are currently pregnant. Not to sound harsh. I am immensely happy for each one of you lovely ladies and know how much you deserve it and all the pain, heartache, disappointments, and setbacks each of you have endured to achieve your dream of motherhood. Still though, I can't help but wonder why I keep getting skipped over. When is it going to finally be my turn? Am I not as worthy and deserving as each of you? Have I not met my quota on pain, heartache, disappointments, and failures?

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. It's sad to think that the last two years of our marriage have been spent TTC. It's also scary to realize that if I don't get pregnant soon, we will be coming upon the 3 year mark. How deeply depressing is that? I also had the sudden realization the other day that this January marks a year with the fertility clinic. A year and no progress? Again with the depressing....

 As most of you probably don't know, because who reads this? I did the max 6 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid. so that part of treatment is over and done with. I am waiting to start injections now. It has been a hassle trying to get records from my ob/gyn about whether my FTs were ever evaluated. Finally I got fed up and called the hospital where the the procedure was done and they have the records there. All I have to do is go up and sign a release and they will send the information to the clinic. So that has been the hold up as far as starting the shots. They are trying to keep me from going through the HSG if I don't have to, so hopefully the findings of the hysteroscopy will be enough to go on...

Recently, I have been watching shows like, I'm Having Their Baby and The Baby Wait ( I know, am I crazy or what?!), and it really makes me want to adopt. I want to be a mother now and am tired of waiting. Shows like this may be guilty of glamorizing adoption to a degree, but they have helped me to realize that biological or not, as soon as a baby is placed in a loving couple's arms (and often times even before), the love felt is instant. Of course, I want a child that shares our DNA, that is biologically and genetically ours. I want to go through the experience of pregnancy and all the ups and downs that come with it. I want all of these things and I still hold great hope that they will come to be, but if they do not, I have realized adoption is an option and would not be such a terrible thing. I know that I could love an adopted child just as much as one that grew in my belly for 9 months. I've realized that there is more than one path to creating a family and that some of us take the less-conventional route; not often by choice. I have realized that adoption is something I may want to pursue, regardless of whether or not we have biological children. At the end of the day, I wish to be a mother with a child to love, guide, and teach. We know it's on the table but DH and I both agree that we want to get a little further in this process and see what happens. I am still very much hoping for a success there. I know DH and I will be wonderful parents, however it comes about.

So not only do I feel like i've been ran over by a bus, I also started my period this morning. It's soooo wonderful beginning your day with tears. :(

On to the 6th and final round of clomid. Why are we bothering again?

Ok, so last night I started getting a stuffy nose. I consulted dr. Google again and found that a head cold can be a common early sign of pregnancy for many women. I also thought I was starting my period last night, but since then I have only experienced minimal spotting (brown in color), barely anything on the TP and nothing on the pad (TMI Alert!).

Could the head cold be a sign of pregnancy or completely coincidental? If it is just a cold, maybe that's what throwing AF off. Sure, I'm not bleeding now, but I know that could change at any moment (she is a trickster that AF).

I was going to try and hold out until at least CD35, but if it's still like this tomorrow should I go ahead and test? I am currently on CD31 and no idea when exactly I ovulated, only that I definitely did. It is also not unlike me to have some spotting before AF, so that may be all this is.

Maybe I am just wishing too hard for symptoms. Yes, I could be pregnant, but it also may just be a result of the changing season and me sleeping with the fan on at night (lol).

Did any of you experience a stuffy nose before you found out you were pregnant? I just feel generally blah with a stuffy nose and maybe a slight fever but no other symptoms.

Help me out ladies!

Infertility in the Media

Show of hands, ladies, who would want this to be your RE? Not that attractiveness should be a priority when it comes to finding a highly qualified doctor to assist a couple in building their family.  I'm merely arguing that if we have to go through this anyway, shouldn't we at least be allowed something pretty to look at to help us through the process? Is that too much to ask? lol. Fertility doctors do not look like this in real life. My RE is an old guy with glasses (but he is highly skilled and accomplished in assisted reproduction and that's what matters. He doesn't need to be a pretty face to help my husband and I get our miracle baby. In fact, my husband is probably glad he isn't a pretty face. lol.). My point with all this is, TV glamorizes everything. Private Practice, in my opinion, is pretty good when it comes to a realistic portrayal of the pain of infertility, but c'mon, the doctors are waaaaay too good looking. So not realistic. lol. Then again, it is television, why have reality when we can enjoy the fantasy?

I was watching a show yesterday about infertility and this woman and her husband had been trying like crazy for 7 years to have a child. They had suffered numerous failed IVFs and eventually they lost their home and she lost her job due to all the treatments. If an employer fires someone because of fertility treatments, wouldn't that be an act of discrimination? My heart just bleeds for this couple. The show offered them a free round of IVF and I really hope it works for them! It is terrifying to think that my husband and I could still be at this 5 years from now. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

What portrayals of infertility, realistic or otherwise, have you spotted in the media?

Just a quick update, I am now on CD 29. This is when I started last month but so far no sign of AF. I am super paranoid every time I go to the restroom. Hopefully she'll stay away for the right reasons! My IF nurse said I could test Monday, but I'm going to try to hold out until at least CD35 if AF hasn't shown.  Where many women are obsessed with POAS during the TWW, I am terrified of doing so too early and suffering that disappointment of a BFN if AF is just gonna show anyway. Why go there if I don't have to? It's hard enough as it is.

I've had no symptoms other than the typical AF symptoms. My breasts were sore for a few days but I attribute that to the high progesterone. The really strange thing is, early this week I felt like I was coming down with something. It lasted only a day or two and then was gone. I googled cold symptoms and sure enough they can be a sign of pregnancy. Dr. Google is really not a friend when it comes to symptom spotting. Everything, and I mean everything, can be a sign of pregnancy.

Serum Progesterone level was 32 this time around. I know it doesn't mean anything because the time before last it was 26 and I still wasn't pregnant. Sadly, I don't think I am now either because it's CD26 and I already have symptoms of AF showing her ugly face. I only have one round of clomid left and then it's on to injectables. Honestly, I don't think the clomid is going to get it done, so we're pretty much just wasting time at this point. If the four rounds didn't work, what are the odds that the last two will be successful? Yeah, I don't have much hope. And did I mention we will be starting injectibles in December if everything remains on schedule? Wow, that is stressful all on it's own. Paying $800-$1,000 on meds right in the midst of the holiday spending frenzy. Crazy! Not to mention the fact that my husband will be giving me a shot in the bum every day. Did I mention I hate needles?! Oh, the things some of us endure for our children before we even have them. The way I see it, this kid's college fund is already being spent!

One thing I've realized, I'm tired of not having kids. I'm tired of my husband and I being the only ones at holidays and family functions without children of our own. I'm tired of being the one called upon to work on Halloween night so that everyone else can take their children trick-or-treating. "Oh yeah, let's ask the infertile with no kids to cover for us, she won't mind! After all, what better does she have to do?" I'm tired of making innocent posts on Facebook followed by women asking if I have caught their "condition." The way I see it, this is just your excuse to brag about the fact that you're pregnant and I'm not. Yeah, thanks for rubbing that in. I had nearly forgotten that my uterus is barren. Thanks for the reminder!

I have a friend who recently found out she is pregnant for the second time. She was actually seeing the same RE I'm seeing. It seems like it only took her a few months to get pregnant, less than a year. I know she really struggled to get pregnant the first time around and suffered multiple miscarriages before having her son. She and I both have PCOS. I don''t mean to sound heartless as I really an happy for her. Truly, no one deserves it more. I just can't help but feel, "why not me?" Why am I being lapped? Why am I the one always skipped over? Why is everyone pregnant before me? Can't it be my turn now? Just once, can't my husband and I be the ones in the spotlight? So now my friend has two little ones where I still have none. She was blessed before but is doubly blessed now. I'm sure she knows this, it just hurts that it's not me.

And I hate when fellow IFers seem to so quickly forget where they came from. I am not referring to my friend here, but sadly I know a few women who are this way. Maybe it's easy for me to say now, because I am still in the midst of all the pain and anguish that IF brings, but I plan to never forget the struggle that it took in bringing us to our unborn child. They say that if you have struggled through the heartbreak and disappointment of IF, you appreciate your children all the more. I believe this to be so true!

Well, the previous cycle was once again a bust. Though there is a silver lining I suppose (if there is one I will always find it). For ONCE, I was free and clear of cysts (not counting, of course, the ever present and annoying paratubal on left FT), and was given the go-ahead to begin my 4th round of Clomid 50mg. since we began treatment I have been in the one month on one month off pattern due to nasty cysts developing on my left ovary. Until now I have NEVER done two consecutive rounds of Clomid. Will this increase our chances? Will it make a difference? And so once again we find ourselves in the midst of that ever-persistent phenomenon known as hope. Following the disappointment of a failed cycle I swear to myself that I will never hope again; yet, without fail, I always find myself right back in the same place again; clinging to hope and daring to dream. I"ve no doubt many can relate to what I'm saying here. With each new cycle I think, "this will be the one...this is it." Only to have my positivity rewarded by the crushing weight of failure. I had the highest serum progesterone level I had ever had last cycle -26 to be exact. I took this as a promising sign but alas, it was not meant to be. They did an antral follicle count today at my ultrasound. I think they counted about 16 in each ovary. Are these good numbers? I really don't know much about the indications of antral follicle counts...

We also discussed the possibility of moving on to injectables soon. DH and I decided that because it is cheaper, we will finish out the remaining 3 rounds of Clomid and then move onto injectables if need be. We may not need them, but something tells me we probably will end up going that route. They are so expensive, though and we need to figure out how we will afford the cost and for how many rounds. I believe our clinic offers some financial assistance which we also need to inquire about. Injectables also means production of more eggs which means a greater chance of multiple pregnancy than with Clomid. Personally, I think twins would be awesome...a boy and a girl would be perfect! Anything beyond that, though, and I start to get a little scared. Whatever we end up with though is how it was meant to be and we would feel so blessed to have multiples! I am not picky though and would be happy with just one at a time if that's what's in the stars for us! For those who have done injectable meds, what is the average of eggs produced? Or does it depend on the woman? Also, is IUI with injections more successful than IUI with Clomid alone? We haven't done one yet but the nurse mentioned possibly trying one when we make the switch to injections. So far the IUI with Clomid has not been recommended and I wondered if the reasoning had anything to do with greater success rate using injections. I would think more eggs means increased chance of fertilization.  Luckily, we have a few months to really think this over and prepare ourselves both financially and emotionally for the looming transition that awaits our future.  Until then, I will continue to stand up; embrace hope; and try, try again.

I can't be happy for pregnant women anymore, even when they deserve it. I can't say congratulations because the words just ring hollow. My husband informed me earlier that a mutual friend of ours is pregnant and my first thought was intense jealousy, resentment, and anger. Followed by immediate removal of her posts from my FB feed. I'm not proud, in fact I'm ashamed, but it's what I have to do to protect my own sanity right now. I'm just so numb to it all. Especially working where I do now and seeing women who really shouldn't have any children, yet some have 6 or 7 that they don't even have custody of. And here I sit with an empty womb and empty arms; hoping, praying, wishing, and dreaming each day for just ONE little miracle. I'm not picky; just one is all I ask.

As for me, I finished my 3rd round of clomid and am now on day 30 of a 35 day cycle. I don't hold much hope for success as I have been having symptoms of starting. I had really sore breasts around CD 23 but that has since subsided (not a good sign). My progesterone level this month was 26 (the highest it has ever been). I was hoping that this was a positive sign in the right direction, but it doesn't seem to be an indicator one way or the other. I, of course, consulted Dr. google and while some women said it was a promising sign, others had higher levels than me and still got a BFN. If I haven't gotten AF by Friday (CD36) than I will reluctantly test, though I fully expect the witch will show.

A fertiles advice on how to get pregnant: "Pray hard about it, start taking prenatals, and track ovulation! I just used an app...and bam! One month later, im preggo! Reducing stress too is a biggy! Just relax & have fun!" Gee, if only I had thought of all that over the last two years... Sorry for the bitch fest, but that was just too good not to post. Thoughts? Comments? Anyone else to share my outrage?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Yep, this is the story of my life. Not only did the previous cycle of Clomid result in a BFN (as if that isn't bad enough, right?), my current cycle has once again been postponed due to a large cyst on my left ovary. Gee, anyone else feeling deja vu here? So, I got to get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive for an hour to have a minute ultrasound and then hear that there would be no medicated cycle this month. JOY! You know, this one month on one month off nonsense is getting really old. It is just making this whole process take that much longer. How are we ever supposed to get anywhere when it feels like starting from scratch each time? SO FRUSTRATING! I am tired of the disappointment, Why must my ovaries rebel against me? And it always seems to be the left one, too. The right on is too stupid to respond and just sits there doing nothing. Would we have better luck if we moved to injectables or would I still be prone to cysts? My RE has not suggested this but I think we should be our own advocates. After all, who cares more than the couple going through it? My RE was in the room for literally a minute, long enough to do the transvaginal, showed me the cyst, told me my cycle was canned and then left. No sorry, no nothing. I know it's more important to have an RE who can do his job and actually succeed in getting us pregnant, but geez, a little compassion would be nice, don't ya think?!

And to further rub salt in an already festering wound, I found out yesterday that an acquaintance is now 5 weeks pregnant after only one month of marriage. Yep, ONE MONTH! Gee, perfect timing! Must have been all that newlywed sex. I don't even think they were trying and then BAM! She once said to me that she feared she would have trouble conceiving as well  Yeah..my ass! She's already asking where to get maternity clothes. REALLY?! She's only 5 weeks! So I did what any self-respecting IF-er would do and blocked her shit from my FB newsfeed. Sorry, if that makes me a bitch or whatever but I just can't deal, especially on the heels of yet another disappointment...and one that is so fresh. I have to do what is best for my own mental health and sanity. I may not be able to "block" some of the clients I work with, but I can sure as hell block someone's garbage from appearing on my FB page.

Oh, and did I mention that June 14th marks two years in the TTC game for us? Not really an anniversary I had hoped to celebrate. See, this whole thing has turned me into a bitter, seething-with-resentment-mess. I'm so ashamed. I swear I am usually a nice person. How do you ladies cope? Any advice?

They always give the spiel about trying on our own on a non-medicated cycle, but c'mon, let's be real here. Without Clomid I don't O which means zero chance of pregnancy, which means no period, which then leads to 10 days of Provera to bring it on. We will DTD, of course, and hope for the best, but really it is just another wasted month in a long and endless process. And the best part is if I haven't gotten a period by July, 11th (CD35) which I won't; I get to take an HPT anyway. Wonderful! 

So the second round of Clomid was unsuccessful. AF arrived today (CD34) and I am now awaiting a call from the IF nurse to schedule an appt for more Clomid and/or to discuss further options. After two failed rounds is it time to move on to IUI? Both times I have succeeded in O'ing on the lowest dose of Clomid (yay!), but neither round has resulted in a pregnancy. I am just at a loss. You'd think timed-intercourse coupled with my hubby's well-above-average  sperm count would result in ONE of those spermies catching the golden prize, but apparently not. I am just soooo frustrated at this point. On the one hand, the Clomid has been a success in that I have O'd twice on the lowest dose (50mg). I guess that is a feat in itself, but what good does it really do if it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy? So right now I am literally mourning the loss of a life that could have been. The blood now flowing from my body serves as a painful reminder of another egg that did not get to reach its potential. My body, my uterus, prepared a safe environment for an unborn child that did not come to be, and now I am literally losing all of that. It just seems so wasteful. There goes a potential life that we would have loved so much. Maybe some think I'm crazy, maybe others don't get it, but this is how I'm feeling right now. With every failure there is a loss of chance, of opportunity, of hope. Are we wasting our time at this point with Clomid alone? These are questions we will bring to our RE. All I know is I'm tired; tired of crying, tired of feeling the hopelessness and despair, tired of feeling like we are doomed to fail and will never receive our happy ending; a happy ending that no one deserves more than my husband. I am tired of feeling like I am the one standing in the way of the AWESOME dad I know he will be.

I am also considering discontinuing this blog. I don't have many followers and no one ever comments, so I am basically just talking to myself anyhow. Plus, with work and school I just don't have time to update like I should. The jury is still out on whether to delete or make private.

Back on Track!

Had my appointment for a transvaginal ultrasound last Tuesday. To make a long story short, the cyst is still there but thankfully my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the 2nd round of Clomid...Finally! He said we will just be keeping a close eye on the cyst for now. It is a paratubal cyst hanging off my left FT. I have been told it will likely never go away, and should it grow or begin to cause any problems it will need to be removed. I thought it was the Clomid that caused it, but my RE said he saw it even at my first appointment back in January, though it was a bit smaller at that time. So now I have this blemish, this imperfection on my lady parts that will likely never go away. I know it shouldn't be a big deal as it should not impact my ability to get pregnant (which is a good thing because I apparently have so many hindrances already!), but I don't like the idea of it being there. It feels like something foreign, an intruder that doesn't belong. Has anyone had experience with these types of cysts?

I was relieved when the IF nurse called and said that my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the second round of Clomid. I am doing 50mg again, as I O'ed last time he sees no benefit to upping the dosage. He said that if we are not successful this time around we will need to met with him and discuss the next step. I am just so grateful that we are not missing out on yet another medicated cycle. If we hadn't had to sit out last month (assuming, of course, that we didn't get pregnant) I would have been on round 3 by now and moved on to who knows what else! I just took my last dose of Clomid last night (thankfully no real problems) and now the fun can really start! I am really hopeful that this time will be a success!

In other news, I survived mother's day, the second year in a row I was not able to celebrate. For the last two years when this day rolls around I think, NEXT YEAR, next year I will be able to participate as a mommy in this glorious day! So far that hasn't happened. But yesterday, I found myself again thinking, NEXT YEAR, next year will be my turn, next year it won't hurt. And you know what, I have to (I need to) believe that is true! I really think there should be a special card section on mother's day for those of us who are trying desperately and doing all we can to become mothers! I think we deserve a little recognition, too, dammit! After all, we are already mothers in our hearts, doing everything in our power for a child we've not yet met but already love unconditionally!

It is a wonder I made it through yesterday at all. I knew I should have trusted my first instinct to stay home, tucked safely away in bed where no one or nothing could hurt or cause me pain. Well, so much for the that... The day began with my sweet hubby wishing me happy mother's day, to which I replied, why me? He sweetly responded, "you will be a mother soon."   This put a BIG smile on my face and eased the pain in my heart. I was hoping to survive the day without incident, but sadly that was not to be. Later, we went to MILs house as we do every year on this day. We were sitting there, starring at the television screen, minding our own business and praying to get out of there ASAP (I wasn't feeling well - nausea and hot-flashes courtesy of Clomid) when suddenly my MIL asks us, "when are you due?" To which my brother and sis-n-law who are also present at the time, ask if I am pregnant, to which I have to respond with a painful, "no." MIL goes on to say, "well, it sure would be nice if you were." My first thought was, "really? Well, no shit!"

Now, I love my MIL dearly, but she has this disorder in which her brain is not always connected to her mouth. I am sure she meant it as a joke, perhaps to lighten the mood or whatever, but there was nothing particularly jovial about it to me, nor was my current mood anything but light! Now, I dunno what would possess her to dare ask us such a thing, and then to have family members ask if we are pregnant?! How does she not see how painful, insensitive, and grossly inappropriate such a thing is?! On any day but most especially on mother's day. REALLY?!

At least I have a lot of things to keep me busy and occupied. My semester just started so that is keeping on my toes, and I'm busy getting my internship underway. I am really looking forward to working closely with children and generally helping people and doing good.

Wow, did that just happen?

Took my last provera on Saturday and now just waiting for AF to arrive. I've noticed some light spotting today so with any luck AF will be here at least by the end of the week. We were at dinner with my husband's parents the other day when MIL asked me when my next RE appointment was, how things were going, etc., etc. Not uncommon questions, but what followed next took me a little by surprise. I explained to her how I had to take this month off due to the development of a cyst on my ovary from the clomid. I told her I was taking some meds now to bring on AF and then when it started I would go back in for another transvaginal to find the cyst hopefully dissolved and I would then be able to begin the second round of clomid. Now, as I said it is not uncommon for the topic of conversation to swing toward the subject of our baby making efforts, I take this is a sign that my MIL cares and wants a child for us just as badly as we do. What happened next, however, was uncharacteristic and I dare say, had me a little offended. After giving her the rundown of our current situation her response was, "But do they think it can happen?" Um, I'm sorry, what? Did I just hear that right? This had me completely blindsided! Oh, and did I mention we were in a restaurant at the time?! No, that's not awkward at all... I then told her as best I could that no one has ever said it will be impossible for me to get pregnant, more difficult, obviously, but not impossible. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, perhaps it was an innocent comment, but I take it as offensive and it is a negativity I certainly don't need. I really don't need to think about the possibility of it never happening. Never is a frightening word, one which I try ever day to push as far out of my mind as it will go. I do this because when I think about the possibility of never experiencing pregnancy and motherhood I start to panic, it becomes difficult to breathe and I feel as though the walls are closing in. So in the midst of all this, when I am struggling with every fiber of my being to have hope and think positively, why introduce such a negative thought to my psyche? Never implies a definite, never means the end, that all hope is lost. Realistically, I, of course, know there is a possibility that I may never experience the joy and wonder of motherhood, but I prefer to think of it as a very slim chance. That day, the more I thought of my MILs question the more offended I became. I wonder, was I right to be offended by my MILs poorly chosen words, or was I just being too sensitive, perhaps reading into it something that wasn't there to begin with? I am going through and difficult time and rightfully, find myself in a sensitive and highly emotional state. I have no doubt my MIL had the best of intentions and really meant no harm, but that doesn't stop me from being astonished that she could pose such a question in the first place; that such a thought could enter her head space. In the midst of all the time, expense, and emotional upheaval, I need only to surround myself with positive and uplifting people; my mental health depends on it! 

In other more positive news, we know a couple, a success story of the same RE we are currently seeing, who just had twins, a boy and a girl! Anyway, the husband told us that they have a leftover vile of folistim that is still in date and rather than simply toss it out as they happily have no use for it anymore, they have offered to donate it to us should we end up starting injectables soon. This is a big deal as I have recently learned that these injectable medications are often $500 a pop. HOLY COW!!! I am so touched by this small act of kindness from people who know what we're going through because not too long ago they themselves were in the trenches. I have come to realize, however, that in the IF world, there are no small acts of kindness. It can be a hug, a conversation, or a simple comment on this blog, every attempt to reach out and connect to someone who has been where you are, means the world! Our friends are a success story, they made to the other side of the pain and heartache that  is infertility and found their well-deserved and hard-earned happy ending. This is powerful and gives us immense hope that our happy ending is right around the corner. It is proof that for every bit of negativity that exists in the IF world, there is an equal amount of positivity and support!

Well, so much for that

Well, took a test this morning, BFN which is just what I was expecting. So why then do I feel so crappy? I called the IF nurse and now just waiting for my provera to be called in. I am just ready for this whole cycle to be over and behind us so that we can start fresh. Of course, I wish I didn't have to take 10 days worth of provera just to make AF show.That in itself is just another delay. I feel like my body is playing a cruel joke at my expense. "Oh, CD35 and no AF, maybe you're pregnant, oh, surprise, you're not!" I've been living the same story over and over again for going on two years now. I am really starting to be fearful at this point that it may never happen. Oh, and did I mention that tomorrow is my husband's birthday? I had fantasized all week about having the best news to share with him, making this the most memorable birthday ever, but turns out that was once again, not meant to be.  He wants to go to dinner tonight for his birthday. I don't feel like going out or being around people in general. But I will be the good wife, put on a smile, and pretend I'm not dying inside. I just really hope this cyst is gone at my nest ultrasound, I don't know what I'll do if it's still there. And now I am feeling nauseous courtesy of my prenatal vitamin. Why do I even bother?  Sorry if this is all incoherent rambling that doesn't make any sense. I'm just not in a good place right now. Hope IF nurse returns my call soon...

Another year older and nothing to show for it

I wish I could say that a lot has happened since I last updated, but sadly, not so much. It feels as though we are stuck in some sort of holding pattern with not much going on at all. One thing that did happen? I got a year older this week. That's right, the big 2-9! I was 27 when we first started out on this TTC journey. Now two years in and I am really starting to panic! The bio clock is ticking louder and louder!

For those who don't know, my second cycle of clomid was postponed due to a cyst found on my ovary at ultrasound. I, of course, freaked out and started crying right there in the ultrasound room, both out of fear and frustration. We were told that it looked to be either a para ovarian or para tubal cyst. Para I guess meaning that instead of growing on the actual ovary or FT it grows next to. Has anyone had experience with these type of cysts while using clomid? I was told that this was probably nothing to worry about, especially since it wasn't there previously and that it would likely dissolve on its own. I asked if this was because of the clomid, and the response was it could be but they couldn't say for sure. I, of course, continued to worry (and have since). I called my clinic two days after my appt and left a message with the IF nurse asking if the RE had had a chance to look over the images and what his thoughts were (I saw another RE the day of my appt, so naturally, I wanted MY doctor's opinion). IF nurse called back a few hours later and said, again, that she didn't think it was anything to be overly concerned about, and that she would go over it with him when he was in clinic on Friday. She called back Friday morning saying that he stressed I should try not to worry about it and that we would just see if it has dissolved at my next ultrasound. I asked, "so, we think its a cyst?", to which the IF nurse replied, "that's what we think it looks like." Uh, I'm sorry, what? That's what you THINK it is? Why an I not comforted by that statement? Maybe I'm just overreacting...

Anyway, we were encouraged to go ahead and try naturally the month of April. I was instructed that if AF hasn't arrived by the 19th (CD35), I am to take an HPT (oh, fun!). If BFN (which is exactly what I'm expecting), I"m supposed to notify the clinic and they will get me started on provera to get my period going. And then we get to start the whole process alllllllllllll over again. I just really hope the cyst is gone. I will positively freak if it's not! I talked to few ladies I know who had been on clomid but they said it never caused cysts for them (cue panic!). Then, I consult Dr. Google and see that many women have developed cysts as a response to clomid. I don't know what to believe! I just know that I never had cysts previously and all the sudden there is a giant one on my left ovary!

I would love to believe that this was our month, our miracle, but after nearly two years of trying au naturale, I honestly don't feel hopeful that we will get pregnant without assistance. I want to believe, and I do have that bit of nagging hope that always hangs around, but despite that I don't feel very positive. And in spite of this, I will still cry and be an emotional wreck when that BFN comes around. Oh, and did I also mention that they day I am slated to take an HPT happens to be the day before DH's 32nd birthday? Yeah, is that lousy timing or what?! I am really dreading it. But boy would I love being able to surprise him with the ultimate gift on his birthday! Guess a girl can dream. I sometimes fear that's all we'll ever have - dreams, hopes, and fantasies instead of reality.

At least I have a lot of other life stuff going on to help keep my mind off things somewhat. I finished fall semester yesterday (hence me actually finding time to update this blog) and will be beginning my internship on May 7th! So, it looks I will stay pretty busy and occupied this summer. We are hosting a joint birthday party here at the house for hubby and I tomorrow night, so that will be a fun gathering. And speaking of our house, I now have a shiny new deck upon which to cry all my IF tears. DH and BIL did such an excellent job building it. It looks amazing and I love it!

The patio furniture is from the Martha Stewart collection (Home Depot) and the chairs are uber comfy (there are other pieces we plan to add later). We have had a lot of fun out there and we grill all the time now. It seems to be a big hit when family and friends come to visit, and is certainly my new favorite hangout spot!

Round Two = No Go

Well, not only did I NOT get pregnant on the first cycle of Clomid, the second cycle has now been canceled due to a large cyst on my left ovary. So it looks like we are sitting it out this month. They said we can still try naturally, but after almost 2 years of TTC, I don't hold much hope of that happening. We will try though, because I would rather have a little bit of hope doing something, than wallow in despair doing nothing.

 To say I am upset about this latest development would be an understatement. I drove half an hour to my fertility clinic this morning, fully expecting to leave with a script for Clomid. What i got, however, was a surprise I'd not bargained for. In the back of my mind I had worried about the possibility of a cyst, especially since my RE suggested it as the reason for my late period. Right ovary and uterus looked good, but then she got to the left and there was this big, round black blob obscuring my ovary.

She wasn't sure and thought it may even be a shadow, so she wanted to get the other IF doctor just to make sure (my RE was out of the office). So I'm lying there on the table, legs in stirrups, my bottom half covered in a paper sheet while I wait what feels like an eternity for the nurse to return with the RE. Finally they make it back. The female RE seems nice, though I have never met her before. We engage in small talk as she preps the "wand" for re-insertion and takes a look around (talk about an awkward first meeting)! She says that right ovary and uterus look "beautiful," but we get to the left one and there again, is the big black blob. She confirms what I already knew at this point, a cyst. I also know this means no Clomid this cycle.

I am freaked out by the blob, though the nurse and RE assure me that it is nothing to be concerned over and more an inconvenience than anything else. I try to keep it together, repeating over and over in my head, "don't start crying, you'll only make a bad situation worse." Well, apparently I didn't listen because then the water works started. Both ladies were really kind and compassionate,  handing out the requisite tissues and kind pats on the shoulder saying, "you'll get there" (they probably deal with crying women every day). I don't think I'll feel better until I hear what my RE has to say. I think I'll call later this week and see if he's had a chance to look the images over, though I don't imagine his opinion will be much or any different from the other RE's.

So, I left the office feeling defeated and here we are. Funny, that today marks the first day of spring. A time of rebirth, regrowth, and new life. It seems kind of ironic, like mother nature is just slapping me in the face. Apparently the only thing I know how to grow is yucky cysts. Will I ever succeed in creating life?

I've consulted Dr. Google and apparently cysts from Clomid are very common. It's just so frustrating that the very medicine designed to help you get pregnant, can actually make it where you can't take it. I really hope it's not going to be one month on one month off until I get pregnant, because that will get old VERY FAST. Actually, the whole thing is frustrating and I don't understand why we have to go through this at all. I feel as though I've let both myself and my husband down, even though rationally I'm aware that I have no control over any of this.

Question: How many of you ladies out there have gotten cysts from Clomid and how often? It really sucks to be benched from this cycle when I had such hope for the second go round!

The Fat Lady has Sung

Well, AF finally arrived on Friday. This is good in the sense that we can now move on. Bad in that I can no longer live in denial about a potential pregnancy. The first round failed and that is that. I have to say I'm glad AF finally reared her ugly head, because I was getting SICK of seeing BFNs on HPTs every. Other. Day. Talk about torture. And if you think about it, AF sure does have a sense of humor, stringing me along all week and then showing up at the last possible second. Well this chick is not amused. Literally, after I talked to the IF nurse for the second time on Friday, I went home an hour later and discovered that I had begun spotting, only to have AF start in full force not an hour after that. But at least it saved me from the pain and heartbreak of having to begin my week with a BFN, That counts for something right??

So now I am just waiting on a call from the IF nurse to come in for an ultrasound. I was hoping to go in this afternoon and get it over with, but as I live half an hour away and haven't heard from her yet, it doesn't look like today will be the day. The best I can hope for now is tomorrow morning (CD5). I still don't know yet if he is going to keep me on the same dosage this cycle (50mg) or up it to 100. I didn't really notice any negative side-effects with the 50, but an upped dosage may be a different story...

And let's be honest here, at least part of the reason I was hoping to get a BFP the first round was because then I wouldn't have to do anymore of those damned ultrasounds. I've done two already and can't tell you how much I hate them. Not only are they uncomfortable, but just flat out embarrassing. Nothing like being spread eagle in front of your dr. and a few nurses. And when AF is in town....well, that just makes the whole experience a million times worse. You ladies know what I'm talking about. Something tells me though that there is guaranteed to be many more humiliating moments in my near future, so I might as well stop whining and get it over it. Besides, when you're a woman dealing with IF, you don't have the luxury of being modest anymore; any hope of such just flies right out the window. But, gotta suck it up and do what I gotta do.

So, as it is now past noon, it looks like I have narrowly escaped being violated for today; tomorrow, however, promises a much different story. I just realized the other day that June will mark 2 years in the TTC game for DH and I. Oh, how depressing that is. The things we endure for the chance at a happy ending, and I can only hope that ours is right around the corner...

Well, got a call from IF nurse yesterday afternoon. She sounded just as bummed as I was about my BFN. :( I have been instructed to wait until Thursday and test again. If AF still hasn't showed she will  call in Provera for me. She said it's possible that I ovulated later than they calculated, etc., etc. Well, I took a test this morning, too, and still BFN, so at this point I don't have much hope of that changing. I don't get it, though, If I clearly O'd on my own, why would I need the Provera again to force a period? It just doesn't make any sense to me...

In less than a month I turn 29 (DH 32). I was really hoping to have some good news to celebrate by then, but it doesn't look like that will happen now. My IF nurse is so kind and compassionate. Yeah, I know she has to deal with this sort of thing all the time, but when she's talking to you she has this way of making you feel like you really matter. I hate IF, but if we must go through it, we are blessed to have such a caring team in our corner, rooting for us.

P.S. I am absolutely disgusted with FB. I actually had an acquaintance post on my wall last night, "So, any good news yet?" Seriously? First of all, does she not think that if I HAD good news I would have shared it by now (hell, I'd be shouting it from the roof tops). Secondly, even if I did have good news I would probably share it with family first before posting it to the world. I mean, really? How insensitive can people be? I should also mention that this is coming from someone who already has two children and is trying for a third. I see this as nothing more than her rubbing her fertility in my face and doing it deliberately. I guess this is the price I pay for being so open, but you know what, it's our journey, our struggle, and I am not ashamed. Although, people like this individual certainly should be. I swear, I have thought many times about just deleting my account and being done with it, but there are a few people I actually want to keep in contact with. 

Round One = Epic Fail.

Well, looks like the first round of Clomid was a bust. I took a test yesterday afternoon, BFN, But my urine was diluted so I decided to repeat the test again this AM with FMU, BFN. Waiting on the nurse to call me back as to where we go from here. AF still hasn't showed so I guess I wait out this week and retest if she still hasn't arrived.

I just don't understand. There's every reason it should have worked and yet it did not. I am fine until I talk to DH about it and then the water works start. I just wish I didn't have to cry every time I get a damn BFN. But how do you NOT take it personally when it's one of the most personal things in the world? And not only do I have to process and come to terms with a negative outcome, I now also have the pleasure of telling the news to my IF nurse, while trying to keep it together at the same time. Oh, and to add further insult to injury, just as I am getting my BFN, I go on FB and happen to see that an acquaintance of a mutual friend just gave birth.

I feel like I'm being punished by God or something. Why else would it be this hard? I am trying to dust myself off and keep moving, but really all I want to do right now is curl up into a little ball. I'm trying to focus my energy on other things I have going on: school, job interview on Thursday, etc., but now in the wake of such a let down it all seems like so much to bear. But life goes on and the world keeps turning so what can you do? I'm convinced I will never see a second line on an HPT, that it's all nothing more than a conspiracy.

*EDIT* Why do I even bother to tell people how I feel? They don't really care and I'm tired of talking. All people seem to do is offer some lame platitude like, "I understand," when they really have no clue at all I. I am done confiding in others. All it does is make me feel more alone...P.S. this was not directed at anyone here, but to a few people IRL.

Well, I just got a call from the IF nurse with some surprising news. Apparently I DID ovulate! I have now been instructed to take an HPT ASAP and call her with the results. I am trying to bear in mind that regardless of the outcome, the fact that I O'd on the first round is in itself worth celebrating! It goes without saying that it would be beyond wonderful if I were pregnant. Off to test! Wish me baby dust!

This is totally me. A week has gone by and still no call from the nurse about my BW. Surely, I would have heard something by now. The wait is driving me crazy! I have decided that if I don't hear from her by the end of the day, I am going to call her first thing Monday morning! I have now convinced myself that because I haven't heard anything the news must not be good. Maybe they only call if it's good news? I won't be surprised to hear I didn't respond to the first round, I just want to know either way. I don't feel pregnant either. I know it would be too early to tell anyway but I just don't get that vibe. I mean, if I were pregnant shouldn't I have some sort of intuition about it? You hear all the time about women just knowing they were pregnant. Well, I feel nothing except pessimism and despair. And I haven't been symptom spotting either because I figure, what's the point? Yeah, it's safe to say I've pretty much turned into a negative Nancy over here. So much of the infertility game is waiting and I'm just ready to put this failed cycle behind us and move on. I'm anxious to get back on the horse and try again! I am so grateful to our fertility clinic and I really couldn't ask for better care, but still I wish it didn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be this way. But that's an old tune of sung a million times before, so no need to go there right now.

On a positive note, our deck is nearly complete! I've been counting the days waiting for it to be done. You'd think after nearly two years in the TTC game, I would have better honed my patience by now, but not so much as it turns out. In the meantime, I am just trying to focus on and be thankful for all that we DO have, and the mere fact that everyday we live and breathe is a true gift.

A watched pot never boils.

We all know the phrase. Well, apparently it applies to cell phones too because a watched one never rings. Went on Saturday morning to have my serum progesterone done to see if I actually O'd on the Clomid. I got up at 6 am after a restless night's sleep and was out the door by 7 to drive half an hour and ensure I'd be there before 8. Yes, all this for something that takes less than a minute. My clinics rule for holidays and weekends is that if no one shows by 8:20am they close up shop. And who could blame them? I'm sure that they don't want to be there any more than I wanted to get up at the butt crack of dawn on a Saturday after only 2-3hrs sleep at most. And living a half hour away I had to ensure that I would be on time, especially given that this was a time sensitive matter; as so many things in the infertility world seem to be!

Well, here it is Tuesday and I've heard nothing from the nurse yet. At this point I am not very hopeful that I responded at all. I never got a +opk, and I didn't notice any signs of O. It has also occured to me that next month is my birthday. Yep, the big 2-9! I keep telling myself that I'll be fine as long as We get pregnant before I hit 30. Personally, I can't think of anything more depressing. :/ DH also has a birthday next month. Ours are exactly 10 days apart. How cool is that? :)

In non baby related news, we are currently building a deck on the back of our house. Home projects, FTW! At least this is keeping me somewhat distracted, otherwise I probably would have gone crazy by now! We went this past weekend and picked out patio furniture. I am in love with it! It's Martha Stewart and it is oh so nice and comfy. I predict that the back patio will soon become my fave hangout spot. :)

Everything is a wait and see...

Feeling icky today. Would morning sickness start this early? Yeah, didn't think so...

As of yesterday (CD14), still no +opk. I'm really starting to get discouraged at this point that the clomid didn't work. :( On the other hand, maybe the opks I bought are just duds and the blood test will confirm that I did in fact O! :) we'll just have to wait and see, cause everything is a wait and see...sigh.

Big fat goose egg!

Took an opk about an hour ago and was really surprised when it came up negative (barely a line at all). I'm going to test again in a few hours. Hopefully next time will be the charm! Trying not to get too discouraged by it, but I though for sure it would be +! Either way it doesn't matter because we will continue to move ahead as planned. Though it would be nice to see a bit of confirmation that the Clomid actually worked (though a +opk is not a guarantee I know)! It is also only CD13 so we have plenty of time! And my blood test is not until the 3rd. Working hard to not let anything steal my joy! Hopefully I'll have a bit of good news soon! :)

Operation Baby!

Finished my first round of Clomid and we are now commencing with operation baby bump! I've got my positive vibes flowing, fingers (and toes) crossed, and prayers sent up! Trying to go into this one with a good attitude! I go on CD23 (Saturday, March 3rd), for a serum progesterone test to see if I actually ovulated on the Clomid. I keep telling myself If I didn't respond/don't get pregnant it's OK, we'll just up the dose next round and try again if need be. Trying not to think that far ahead, though I know many women don't respond to the initial dose then again some are lucky enough to conceive the first round, so you never can tell,. I guess it's no secret which camp I'm hoping to fall in. ;) Maybe it's stupid to put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended), but I'm going into this with all I've got! We'll just have to wait and see...

Here we go!

Had my first dose of Clomid 50mg last night. Nothing says Valentine's Day like ovulation induction drugs! Really excited and hopeful that the meds will work on the first try, but I'm really worried side-effects, too!

So Clomid ladies, help me out: what side-effects, if any, did you experience? And has anybody out there been lucky enough to conceive on the first round? I know it happens, but I don't know the likelihood.

So please give me your feedback. I want to hear from you!

Finally getting somewhere!

AF finally arrived in full-force Friday (after a few days of spotting). Headed to the RE for another transvaginal Monday afternoon before beginning Clomid 50mg on Tuesday. I'm trying not to think about having a transvaginal while on my period, gross!

Question to all Provera ladies...

For those of you who have taken Provera to induce a period before beginning Clomid, how long did you have to wait for AF to arrive? I have read various things online so I assume it is different for every person. Anyways, I just finished my last Provera yesterday and was just curious about how long I'll be waiting out the witches arrival! Very anxious to move on to this next step! Geez, never thought I'd be happy to have AF show, what bizzarro world is this?!?!

Thanks for the feedback ladies!

*Edit* Apparently anywhere from 3-5 days is the norm, but I was hoping for a lot sooner...like today! Nothing so far. :/

Sometimes a bit of good news goes a looooooooong way!

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, my hubby got the results of his semen analysis back and sperm count, everything, was off the charts - 420 million to be exact! I wasn't aware a man could even produce that much sperm but apparently my husband does! The term for a very high sperm count is Polyzoospermia,  but the nurse assured us that because he maxed out the charts on morphology, motility (85%), etc.,all is fine. I am sure we will talk about it more in depth with the doctor at my next appointment.

So, it's good to know that we are now dealing with only one half of a "fertily challenged" couple. I am absolutely thrilled for my husband and for us, but at the same time I feel kind of sad, because now I know if it wasn't for me being "broken," he probably could have became a father long ago. My husband's troopers top the charts and that is wonderful (and also strangely a turn on), but we are still dealing with my retarded ovaries that just can't seem to function properly.

But it's OK, because we hopefully well on our way to getting them in ship shape! I have to finish out my Provera then as soon as I start my period I period I have to call and make an appointment (prior to cycle day 5) to come in for another transvaginal (have i mentioned how much I hate those?), and then we will start our first cycle of Clomid with 50mg. Never thought I'd be so anxious for AF to arrive! Let's get with the baby-making already! :)

Today's WTF Moment Brought to you By....

"I think facebook makes women fertile or something! Seems like everyone on FB is having or just had a baby. Anyways, congratulations to all the new mommy's and daddy's out there!"

Yes, the above is an actual FB status that just appeared in my news feed. I only wish it were true, because if that were the case I would have gotten pregnant loooooong ago. I swear, some people are such idiots! Grrrr.

Holy Cow!!!

My husband's sperm count is 420 million!!!

So I took a much needed hiatus from blogger town (not that anyone noticed because no one actually reads this). When everyone you follow starts popping up pregnant, it can become a bit much when you're in the midst of your own journey. Not to say that I'm not happy for every single one of you lovely ladies, I am truly, but once again, I find myself  feeling like the odd (wo)man out. Now to catch you up on what's been happening in my world:

Christmas was a little rocky, though to be fair it had its good moments, too. It was our first Christmas spent as homeowners, so that was pretty amazing, though it would have been a million times better if we'd had a little one to share it with. I try to remember how blessed I truly am, but it can be difficult not to focus on what you don't have, especially when what you don't have is the one thing you want so badly it causes an ache down to your soul. So, I got a +opk the month of December, DH and I were so hopeful and we did everything right. I spent each day hoping against hope that AF would not show. About 2 weeks later I began to have some spotting, I convinced myself it was implantation bleeding. Days go by and the spotting remained the same so I continued to be hopeful. The morning before Christmas Eve I decided to test, it was negative, of course. If only I'd waited a little while longer I could have saved myself at least SOME heartache, because a few hours later AF showed. Needless to say, this put a damper on our holiday festivities.

We had our first appointment with an RE on the 13th of January. Long story short, we have a tentative diagnosis of PCOS and he plans to start me on 50mg of Clomid. We have a follow-up appointment on the 27th and hopefully he will start me on the meds then.  So, I am back with the hope and promise of a new year, and really hoping that 2012 will be our year to become parents!

That is all for now.