Round One = Epic Fail.

Well, looks like the first round of Clomid was a bust. I took a test yesterday afternoon, BFN, But my urine was diluted so I decided to repeat the test again this AM with FMU, BFN. Waiting on the nurse to call me back as to where we go from here. AF still hasn't showed so I guess I wait out this week and retest if she still hasn't arrived.

I just don't understand. There's every reason it should have worked and yet it did not. I am fine until I talk to DH about it and then the water works start. I just wish I didn't have to cry every time I get a damn BFN. But how do you NOT take it personally when it's one of the most personal things in the world? And not only do I have to process and come to terms with a negative outcome, I now also have the pleasure of telling the news to my IF nurse, while trying to keep it together at the same time. Oh, and to add further insult to injury, just as I am getting my BFN, I go on FB and happen to see that an acquaintance of a mutual friend just gave birth.

I feel like I'm being punished by God or something. Why else would it be this hard? I am trying to dust myself off and keep moving, but really all I want to do right now is curl up into a little ball. I'm trying to focus my energy on other things I have going on: school, job interview on Thursday, etc., but now in the wake of such a let down it all seems like so much to bear. But life goes on and the world keeps turning so what can you do? I'm convinced I will never see a second line on an HPT, that it's all nothing more than a conspiracy.

*EDIT* Why do I even bother to tell people how I feel? They don't really care and I'm tired of talking. All people seem to do is offer some lame platitude like, "I understand," when they really have no clue at all I. I am done confiding in others. All it does is make me feel more alone...P.S. this was not directed at anyone here, but to a few people IRL.