Reflections

I am having a period from hell. If ever I needed it rubbed in my face that I am indeed NOT pregnant, this would definitely do the trick. The flow is really heavy and the cramps are terrible; guess that D&C I had back in January did not do anything to make my periods lighter like Dr. C said it may. It's weird to think about my period, and what it really represents to me as a woman. I have life flowing out of me; not just my own life, but  the ability to give and create it; and the power to sustain it. Many women do not consider their periods more than an inconvenience; but when you are a woman TTC, you'd be surprised what things take on new meaning and symbolism. It's like I feel connected to the world, to the Earth, to life. And with that connection comes the promise of new hope, new possibility, a new future. Yeah...I am in a strange mood today...

45 Days...

Okay, so this cycle turned out to be 45 days long (previous one, with BCP, was 35 days). I know a 45 day cycle is still out of the realm of normal, but considering I've had a 160 day cycle before, I think 45 days is doing pretty good! And, this is my first "all natural" cycle since going off BCP. I have only been on the Met for a month, so I need to give it some time. Right now, I am pleased as punch just to be responding to it at all. It's nice to feel like a woman again. :)

Good News and Bad...

 The bad news, what I thought (hoped) was implantation bleeding was definitely NOT implantation bleeding. Nope, AF is here and has settled in for a nice week-long stay. I can't say I'm surprised by this, nor am I really all that upset. In a way it's good news because this is my first natural cycle since going off the 3-month round of BCP. Speaking as a woman who tends to go months without a period, I think this is definitely something to be excited about. Maybe the 3-months of BCP and the Met are doing the trick to get my body regulated and doing what it's supposed to do; this is only a good thing. If we can get my cycles regulated, then I can O more regularly and therefore have a better chance of getting pregnant. So we missed the mark this time, at least we know that I definitely did O. We'll just have to wait AF out and then start fresh next cycle, with renewed hope. And it will be even better because next cycle we will be all settled in to our home. Less stress = greater chance of getting pregnant. Yes, I will have classes to contend with but I will manage. So, despite feeling a little disappointment today, I really am optimistic about the future. It's so wonderful to feel like my body isn't a failure.

P.S. Update on the house: Painters are there today through Friday, carpet is getting installed Monday. We can start moving things in any time after Monday. Sooooooo excited! Can you tell? :D

A Series of Fortunate, Unfortunate, Events

Over the past few days I have sat down to write several blogs and for some reason just stopped. I'm not sure why, guess I just haven't had much to say.

This past weekend was a rough one. Well, actually, it started on Thursday when my grandmother and I got into it. The previous night at dinner she upset both DH and I. She kept going on and on about how we should use the nursery as storage since we won't be having a baby anytime soon (she doesn't know we're trying). We kept telling her that no, that is the nursery and we don't want anything else going in there. Well, she was relentless and wouldn't let up, she just kept pushing, so finally we just had to walk away. I stewed about the things she said all night, losing sleep over them. I was so upset and hurt by her words that I cried. The next day I hadn't planned on bringing it up, but I ended up confronting her. I basically told her that it is hard being a married couple and living here in her home. I told her that I felt she was nosy, meddlesome, intrusive, constantly in our business and questioning our decisions/choices, and that we have no privacy. I told her that what we decide to do in our own home is our business and doesn't concern anybody else. I told her that she needs to keep her opinions to herself at times and think before she speaks. She didn't like this and some hurtful things were said on her part, which I will not be sharing here. My grandmother is a very opinionated woman. She thinks her way is the only way, and that everyone else doesn't know what they're doing. Why would we use the nursery for storage when we have already painted the walls? When we have already bought a crib (she doesn't know that)? The point is that people shouldn't assume they know what's going on in other people's lives. Her saying those things about the nursery and about us not having a baby in the future was very hurtful to me. Here I am in my 2WW, waiting to find out if I am pregnant and she says the most insensitive thing possible. I didn't take it well. I feel like she doesn't even want us to have children and that really hurts. What does she expect us to do, wait until we're in our 40s and all my eggs have dried up? I am already having trouble getting pregnant so no thank you! I know you can make the argument that she doesn't even know we're trying so how can she be held accountable for the things she said? Well, that's the thing, she has no right to make assumptions regarding such a personal and intimate matter between a husband and wife. And that's exactly why we haven't told her because we don't think she'll take it well.  And given her reaction, we have every reason now to believe that is the truth. And yes, I believe it is hard to be a married couple living with any family member; there is bound to be some head-butting, but especially with a grandmother who is veeeery set in her ways and thinks she knows all. Yes, she gave us a place to come when DH lost his job. Being here allowed us to get back on our feet and start saving for a house. I am appreciative and deeply grateful for that, but at some point enough is enough. I really don't know how we have survived in this house for the past 2 years. I just think we have been here long enough and it's time to get back in our own space and back to the way things were. I just hope my relationship with my grandmother can be repaired after all this...

But don't worry, this story has a happy ending. So, Friday I ended up spending the day with my mom (I just couldn't bear to spend another second in the house with my grandmother). I ended up telling my mom that we have been trying for a baby for a while and she started crying. She said that if we want a family she gives her full support and that she thinks we will be wonderful parents. As I have mentioned previously in my blog, my mom also suffered with infertility and had to use meds to help her get pregnant. So, she understands what I'm going through and said she would be here anytime I needed her. Though, she was also saddened to hear that I am suffering a similar fate. I think that's why I put off telling her for so long, because I didn't want her to be sad for me. I'm not sure why my grandmother would begrudge us the right to have a family; DH has a great job, we are financially stable, we just bought our first home, I am in grad school, and we certainly aren't kids anymore. Whatever the reason, I at least know that I have my mother's support and that means the world to me. So see, something good did come out out of something bad. Had this not happened, my mother probably still wouldn't know.

On the 2WW front there is not much to report. My breasts (nipple area) felt sensitive for a couple of days, but that seems to have gone away now. Who knows, maybe I was just imagining it in the first place. When you want something so badly your mind can play tricks on you. I've certainly been there before. Yesterday, I saw the faintest hint of pink on the TP. I wouldn't have even noticed it if I hadn't been looking. I didn't see anything else all day yesterday and then today I saw it again this morning except that it was brown (sorry TMI). Nothing again so far. I would like to believe it is implantation bleeding, but something tells me it is probably just my period about to start; especially since I tend to start out spotting anyway, and I have been a little crampy and just generally feeling like AF is on her way. I guess we will just have to wait and see...

As for progress on the house, painters are coming in tomorrow, we can hopefully get the carpet installed Saturday, and hopefully start moving things in as early as Sunday. Which means, we can be moved in as soon as two weeks from now. Hooray!

As a side note, classes start back in less than a month so I may be blogging less frequently. Take care and hope everyone has a great week!

Waiting....Again. Story of my Life...

So, I had a +OPK two days in a row, then the next day I tested and it was back to negative. So now, we wait...

Still in the Game!

 Okay, so I was a little bummed about the BFN this morning, but the day did bring some good news: I got another +OPK! That's right, we are now 2-for-2 which means I am still very much in the game! This alone makes me sooooo happy, just the fact that I am even ovulating at all! I think of that little eggy inside me waiting for sperm and I feel oddly close to it. LOL. Does that make me sound insane?! Just the fact that there is a potential baby, the potential for life, waiting inside of me right now! Could it be that for once my body is working as it should, doing what it was designed to do?! There is still hope! I have not given up!

P.S. How long should an OPK stay positive usually? And are you supposed to keep testing until it is negative again? Sorry if these seem like dumb questions, I am kinda new to this whole OPK thing...

Negative.

First of all, I want to say I appreciate everyone who weighed in on my decision to test. Ultimately, I decided to go ahead with it anyway (didn't you see that coming? lol. We ask others for their opinion but really we already have our mind made up....). As you can surmise from the title of this post, the result wasn't positive. I was so sure I was pregnant given the symptoms I have been having, but as the clock ticked down to the 5 minute mark, I began to have my doubts. I looked at the test after 5 minutes and saw only one line (it's as if that one line was mocking me). I peered at the test closely, examining it in the light, turning it this way and that in the hopes that maybe there was a very faint line I didn't see...nothing. BFN. I'm not gonna say it didn't hurt, I think it always hurts no matter what. This is the first HPT I have taken since, wow, April or something like that, so of course I was hoping for a BFP! Surprisingly, though, I'm handling it better than I thought I would. I really think I'm okay this time. I got a +OPK yesterday and that still gives me a lot of hope. I will be testing again today to see if we can go two-for-two. I'm not out of the game yet!

As for my symptoms, maybe it is the Met, or a stomach bug? Symptoms of ovulation? Who knows. Yesterday I only took two doses of the Met. I was so sick last night that I just couldn't bring myself to take the third dose. I am going to give it through the weekend and if I am still feeling this craptastic on Monday I will be calling Dr. C. to see if we can't do something different. I have heard that the ER tablets lessen side-effects, maybe we should give those a whirl? Either way, I don't want to give up on the Met because it is clearly doing something right! I just don't understand why it would be affecting me so badly now. I guess maybe because it has had time to build up in my system now and my body is not handling the 1500mg dosage very well? Again, who knows...If need be I will step back on the dosage until things calm down.

 We are having a birthday dinner for my aunt's 50th tonight. I really hope I can manage to eat something (and keep it down, and not have to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes). I really have just had zero appetite the last few days, I don't know what's going on. I didn't puke again last night (thank God). Felt like I was going to but it never happened, just nausea (and lots of trips to the bathroom). I really hope I start feeling better soon! =/

Disbelief!

Okay, so I took an OPK a little bit ago and got a positive! I mean, the line showed up almost immediately, before the control line had even completely formed! I just can't believe it! I was talking to a few girlfriends today (telling them about last night's puke fiasco), when they both suggested that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead and take an HPT just to see. Haven't experienced any more pukage (thank God!) but all day today I have still felt nauseous and just generally unwell; haven't even felt like eating anything. I didn't want to take an HPT yet because I figured it would be best to wait it out and see if AF shows. Plus, I just didn't want to deal with disappointment of seeing a BFN right now. I have been doing some research and apparently an OPK can detect HCG as well. Since the positive came up so rapidly, is there a chance that I could be pregnant?! Should I test in the morning?!

Even if I'm not pregnant this is still wonderful news. A positive OPK is, for me, a cause for celebration! At least now I can know that the Met may be working. There is no way I would ever be able to repay my OB/GYN for all the help he has given; such a wonderful man! I am still shaking and can't believe it. I took a picture of the strip and texted it to DH. lol. I called him and started crying I was so happy. I may not be pregnant, but I am still beyond thrilled to have my first every positive OPK. Even if I turn out not to be pregnant, at least I now know that pregnancy is possible and that means the world to me! Some of you may be thinking, "what's the big deal?" But speaking as someone who doesn't ovulate, it is a HUGE deal to me! I feel as though I could break out into song or shout it from the roof tops! Now we have a real chance of actually getting pregnant! For the first tine in a while, I have hope again and I feel good!  

So, to test or not test? I should also mention that I have felt really hot today and for the last few days I have had cramping and discomfort in my lower abdomen like my period may start but it hasn't. Could these be pregnancy symptoms or just normal signs of ovulation? I have a hard time believing it could be so easy, but at the same time, I want so badly to believe. Of course, I have so certain before and been let down so who knows really. Don't want to think negatively though. I am still astonished at how quickly that positive came up!

Bad Night...

 So, last night around 4am, I woke up and suddenly started puking. It came without warning, so I puked all over my lap (I know, gross, right?!). Talk about a rude awakening! Thankfully, I didn't have much for dinner or it probably would have been a lot worse! And we had chicken, so I very much doubt that's what made me sick (plus, DH was fine). I still feel like crap ran over today, but thankfully, no more puking so far. I wonder if it could have been the Met that did it? Though, I have been on Met for about a month now and it has never made me puke, so why would it start now? I was a little behind on my dose yesterday, so I took two at lunch instead of the one, but that's the only thing I did differently. I know that a lot of women choose to take their full dose at once and it doesn't make them sick. And if that was it, I think I would have gotten sick waaaay before 4 in the morning. So, I took my dose with breakfast (even though I reeeeaaallly didn't want to), just hoping it stays down. Fingers crossed! So, ladies who have taken Met, has it ever made you vomit? I read that if Met causes vomiting it should be discontinued, as it could be a sign of a potentially serious side-effect. I will just wait and see if it happens again. Though, I really don't think it was the Met that made me sick. Like I said, I've been on the stuff for almost a month now and so far all it has done is cause stomach issues; maybe a little nausea here and there, but never vomiting. If it continues, though, I will definitely be putting in a call to my OB/GYN.  

And then there's the question that every TTCer asks, "could I be pregnant?" I gotta admit, when I woke up and started puking, this is the first thing that popped into my head. Obviously, if I'm going to puke, I would love it to be because I'm pregnant. It's definitely possible. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. But I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up...

P.S. Forgot to mention that last night I had a dream DH and I had triplets, all boys. What is with these crazy dreams I keep having?!

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes...

 I often sit daydreaming about the day I finally do get my BFP; I think of how happy I’ll be. How I’ll squeal and run to my husband with arms outstretched; tears of happiness and utter joy streaming down my face as I leap into his arms. I'll spend hours on the phone breaking the happy news to friends and loved ones and everyone will be so happy and excited for us. Cinderella said that in dreams we lose our heartaches. Well, I think she forgot to mention the part where you wake from a dream and realize it’s not real only to have that feeling of your heart being ripped from your chest. Over and over I have the same dream; the dream that I am either expecting or in active labor. It always feels so real, so vivid. Once in the dream we were bringing our baby (a boy) home from the hospital; he had a full head of dark hair just like his father. We were so happy, and then I woke in tears and heartbroken to find it wasn’t true. I wonder, when will I meet this child I so often dream of? Will it ever become reality? Sometimes I fear it will never be anything more than a fantasy. I hope to make my BFP announcement soon!

Happy Friday!!!

I hope I did not offend anybody with yesterday's post. It was not intended for anyone in blogland, but was referring to some acquaintances IRL. So, for any pregnant ladies that may read this, please know that I was NOT in any way referring to you.  I know you ladies are so grateful for the blessing(s) you've been given and I've no doubt you will be wonderful mothers.

Moving on, DH and my brothers-in-law finished painting the house yesterday. DH is taking me by there when he gets home from work. I am soooo excited to see the end result! We chose a nice yellow (Spun Honey) for the nursery. It's not a super intense yellow but just yellow enough. Yellow is a neutral shade, right? It should look  like this:

So, what do you think? I am dying from the anticipation and really hope it lives up to expectations and I am happy with it; I'm sure I will be. I'm sure DH hopes so, too, after all his hard work yesterday. LOL. He left around 8 yesterday morning and I did not see him again until around 8 last night. He even took two vacation days just to finish all of this up. Bless him for working so hard! Anyways, I will be sure to let you all know my verdict on the color (and the rest of the house, too). =] Now all we need is to get our carpet installed and then we can start moving stuff in. Oh, happy day! No more storage bill! Our belongings have been in storage so long I honestly think I've forgotten what all we have. I'll be like a kid at Christmas! We are probably going to go this weekend to set up an appointment for the carpet install. Tomorrow we are going shopping for a bed and possibly a  TV stand. Gotta be a sturdy one for our 60'' monster! I have a feeling I am going to be really picky when it comes to selecting a bed. A comfy one is an absolute must for all the baby-making! If I have to lie down on a thousand mattresses to find the right one that's what I'll do! Heh, I'll be like Goldilocks. LOL.

In other news, still using the OPKs and still haven't gotten a positive. I think the line is darker, but still no positive yet. I keep telling myself not to get discouraged as it may take a while for the Met to start working. I am still taking it three times a day and doing okay, although yesterday I had one really NOT fun episode, but that's all I'll say about that...

Happy Friday and hope everyone has a great weekend!!! =]

What I Wouldn't Give....

Ya know, it's funny, I hear so many pregnant women and mothers complaining of morning sickness, nausea, vomiting, weight gain and swelling, lack of sleep from being up all night with a crying/colic-y child. How ironic is it that I would give absolutely anything to be in their place? Do these women not realize just how LUCKY they are? I really think it's insensitive to complain so much, when there are those of us listening who want those "inconveniences" more than anything in the world. Just because it was easy for you to get pregnant, doesn't mean you should assume it is that easy for all women. And ya know, perhaps I shouldn't even be so mad. Perhaps it is because it was so easy for these women, that they are now able to take what they have for granted. They do not know any other way, after all. They have not experienced the heartache, the constant pain of BFNs and negative OPKs month-after-month. They do not have to take meds every day in the hopes that it may help their dream come true. I know one thing, though. I will vomit with a smile on my face and be happy to look like a Good Year blimp when I finally do get my dream.

To OPK or not to OPK?

Forgot to mention in my previous post that I am now taking 1500mg of Met as of Friday. After a week of OPKs, I still have yet to receive a positive. I wonder if I should even continue testing right now? Seeing a constant string of negatives day after day has me really stressed and upset, not to mention downright frustrated and discouraged! Maybe I should just forget about the OPKs for now, BD as much as possible, and hope for the best! The problem with that, though, is that with everything going on right now (trying to fix up and get moved into our house), there hasn't been a lot of time for BDing. DH has a lot on his plate right now and it's just a stressful time with us trying to get moved in. There is just so much going on. Which is why I question my need for the added stress of dealing with OPKs right now? Every time we BD I have the hope that maybe, just maybe, this was the one and I could be pregnant. It feels good to have that possibility again, whereas when I was on BCP for 3 months, I did not have that at all. I try to hang on to that hope, be positive and optimistic, but then I see the OPK staring back at me in all it's negative glory and it's like all that happiness just goes out the window. It then becomes very hard to deny the fact that a pregnancy just isn't likely. I think that right now I need to minimize my stress and focus on the positives. I need to keep those feelings of hope, of possibility, because right now they are all I have, not to mention they are the only things keeping me from going insane! At this point I would rather live in ignorance and believe a pregnancy is possible, rather than have clear evidence to the contrary staring me in the face, waiting to dash the comforting illusions I have created for myself. Every time DH and I BD, I like to believe, to fantasize, that I am PUPO. This belief, this sense of hope, of possibility, is my coping mechanism right now. It's what is getting me through. So, I question whether the OPKs are really worth it right now? Should I take a break and just ditch them if it is becoming too much? Yes, I know I have only OPKd for a week, and that I have only been on the Met for 3 weeks. I know that Met may not work right away and that it may not even work the first month. I know that the Met may not work at all for me and that I may need to take Clomid in conjunction with it, but to want something so badly and not get the results you want is frustrating. I realize that I am probably being all kinds of irrational right now but I can't help it. I guess it all boils down to what I need more, and right now I think what I need most is that sense of hope, of possibility.