Well, the previous cycle was once again a bust. Though there is a silver lining I suppose (if there is one I will always find it). For ONCE, I was free and clear of cysts (not counting, of course, the ever present and annoying paratubal on left FT), and was given the go-ahead to begin my 4th round of Clomid 50mg. since we began treatment I have been in the one month on one month off pattern due to nasty cysts developing on my left ovary. Until now I have NEVER done two consecutive rounds of Clomid. Will this increase our chances? Will it make a difference? And so once again we find ourselves in the midst of that ever-persistent phenomenon known as hope. Following the disappointment of a failed cycle I swear to myself that I will never hope again; yet, without fail, I always find myself right back in the same place again; clinging to hope and daring to dream. I"ve no doubt many can relate to what I'm saying here. With each new cycle I think, "this will be the one...this is it." Only to have my positivity rewarded by the crushing weight of failure. I had the highest serum progesterone level I had ever had last cycle -26 to be exact. I took this as a promising sign but alas, it was not meant to be. They did an antral follicle count today at my ultrasound. I think they counted about 16 in each ovary. Are these good numbers? I really don't know much about the indications of antral follicle counts...

We also discussed the possibility of moving on to injectables soon. DH and I decided that because it is cheaper, we will finish out the remaining 3 rounds of Clomid and then move onto injectables if need be. We may not need them, but something tells me we probably will end up going that route. They are so expensive, though and we need to figure out how we will afford the cost and for how many rounds. I believe our clinic offers some financial assistance which we also need to inquire about. Injectables also means production of more eggs which means a greater chance of multiple pregnancy than with Clomid. Personally, I think twins would be awesome...a boy and a girl would be perfect! Anything beyond that, though, and I start to get a little scared. Whatever we end up with though is how it was meant to be and we would feel so blessed to have multiples! I am not picky though and would be happy with just one at a time if that's what's in the stars for us! For those who have done injectable meds, what is the average of eggs produced? Or does it depend on the woman? Also, is IUI with injections more successful than IUI with Clomid alone? We haven't done one yet but the nurse mentioned possibly trying one when we make the switch to injections. So far the IUI with Clomid has not been recommended and I wondered if the reasoning had anything to do with greater success rate using injections. I would think more eggs means increased chance of fertilization.  Luckily, we have a few months to really think this over and prepare ourselves both financially and emotionally for the looming transition that awaits our future.  Until then, I will continue to stand up; embrace hope; and try, try again.

I can't be happy for pregnant women anymore, even when they deserve it. I can't say congratulations because the words just ring hollow. My husband informed me earlier that a mutual friend of ours is pregnant and my first thought was intense jealousy, resentment, and anger. Followed by immediate removal of her posts from my FB feed. I'm not proud, in fact I'm ashamed, but it's what I have to do to protect my own sanity right now. I'm just so numb to it all. Especially working where I do now and seeing women who really shouldn't have any children, yet some have 6 or 7 that they don't even have custody of. And here I sit with an empty womb and empty arms; hoping, praying, wishing, and dreaming each day for just ONE little miracle. I'm not picky; just one is all I ask.

As for me, I finished my 3rd round of clomid and am now on day 30 of a 35 day cycle. I don't hold much hope for success as I have been having symptoms of starting. I had really sore breasts around CD 23 but that has since subsided (not a good sign). My progesterone level this month was 26 (the highest it has ever been). I was hoping that this was a positive sign in the right direction, but it doesn't seem to be an indicator one way or the other. I, of course, consulted Dr. google and while some women said it was a promising sign, others had higher levels than me and still got a BFN. If I haven't gotten AF by Friday (CD36) than I will reluctantly test, though I fully expect the witch will show.

A fertiles advice on how to get pregnant: "Pray hard about it, start taking prenatals, and track ovulation! I just used an app...and bam! One month later, im preggo! Reducing stress too is a biggy! Just relax & have fun!" Gee, if only I had thought of all that over the last two years... Sorry for the bitch fest, but that was just too good not to post. Thoughts? Comments? Anyone else to share my outrage?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Yep, this is the story of my life. Not only did the previous cycle of Clomid result in a BFN (as if that isn't bad enough, right?), my current cycle has once again been postponed due to a large cyst on my left ovary. Gee, anyone else feeling deja vu here? So, I got to get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive for an hour to have a minute ultrasound and then hear that there would be no medicated cycle this month. JOY! You know, this one month on one month off nonsense is getting really old. It is just making this whole process take that much longer. How are we ever supposed to get anywhere when it feels like starting from scratch each time? SO FRUSTRATING! I am tired of the disappointment, Why must my ovaries rebel against me? And it always seems to be the left one, too. The right on is too stupid to respond and just sits there doing nothing. Would we have better luck if we moved to injectables or would I still be prone to cysts? My RE has not suggested this but I think we should be our own advocates. After all, who cares more than the couple going through it? My RE was in the room for literally a minute, long enough to do the transvaginal, showed me the cyst, told me my cycle was canned and then left. No sorry, no nothing. I know it's more important to have an RE who can do his job and actually succeed in getting us pregnant, but geez, a little compassion would be nice, don't ya think?!

And to further rub salt in an already festering wound, I found out yesterday that an acquaintance is now 5 weeks pregnant after only one month of marriage. Yep, ONE MONTH! Gee, perfect timing! Must have been all that newlywed sex. I don't even think they were trying and then BAM! She once said to me that she feared she would have trouble conceiving as well  Yeah..my ass! She's already asking where to get maternity clothes. REALLY?! She's only 5 weeks! So I did what any self-respecting IF-er would do and blocked her shit from my FB newsfeed. Sorry, if that makes me a bitch or whatever but I just can't deal, especially on the heels of yet another disappointment...and one that is so fresh. I have to do what is best for my own mental health and sanity. I may not be able to "block" some of the clients I work with, but I can sure as hell block someone's garbage from appearing on my FB page.

Oh, and did I mention that June 14th marks two years in the TTC game for us? Not really an anniversary I had hoped to celebrate. See, this whole thing has turned me into a bitter, seething-with-resentment-mess. I'm so ashamed. I swear I am usually a nice person. How do you ladies cope? Any advice?

They always give the spiel about trying on our own on a non-medicated cycle, but c'mon, let's be real here. Without Clomid I don't O which means zero chance of pregnancy, which means no period, which then leads to 10 days of Provera to bring it on. We will DTD, of course, and hope for the best, but really it is just another wasted month in a long and endless process. And the best part is if I haven't gotten a period by July, 11th (CD35) which I won't; I get to take an HPT anyway. Wonderful! 

So the second round of Clomid was unsuccessful. AF arrived today (CD34) and I am now awaiting a call from the IF nurse to schedule an appt for more Clomid and/or to discuss further options. After two failed rounds is it time to move on to IUI? Both times I have succeeded in O'ing on the lowest dose of Clomid (yay!), but neither round has resulted in a pregnancy. I am just at a loss. You'd think timed-intercourse coupled with my hubby's well-above-average  sperm count would result in ONE of those spermies catching the golden prize, but apparently not. I am just soooo frustrated at this point. On the one hand, the Clomid has been a success in that I have O'd twice on the lowest dose (50mg). I guess that is a feat in itself, but what good does it really do if it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy? So right now I am literally mourning the loss of a life that could have been. The blood now flowing from my body serves as a painful reminder of another egg that did not get to reach its potential. My body, my uterus, prepared a safe environment for an unborn child that did not come to be, and now I am literally losing all of that. It just seems so wasteful. There goes a potential life that we would have loved so much. Maybe some think I'm crazy, maybe others don't get it, but this is how I'm feeling right now. With every failure there is a loss of chance, of opportunity, of hope. Are we wasting our time at this point with Clomid alone? These are questions we will bring to our RE. All I know is I'm tired; tired of crying, tired of feeling the hopelessness and despair, tired of feeling like we are doomed to fail and will never receive our happy ending; a happy ending that no one deserves more than my husband. I am tired of feeling like I am the one standing in the way of the AWESOME dad I know he will be.

I am also considering discontinuing this blog. I don't have many followers and no one ever comments, so I am basically just talking to myself anyhow. Plus, with work and school I just don't have time to update like I should. The jury is still out on whether to delete or make private.

Back on Track!

Had my appointment for a transvaginal ultrasound last Tuesday. To make a long story short, the cyst is still there but thankfully my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the 2nd round of Clomid...Finally! He said we will just be keeping a close eye on the cyst for now. It is a paratubal cyst hanging off my left FT. I have been told it will likely never go away, and should it grow or begin to cause any problems it will need to be removed. I thought it was the Clomid that caused it, but my RE said he saw it even at my first appointment back in January, though it was a bit smaller at that time. So now I have this blemish, this imperfection on my lady parts that will likely never go away. I know it shouldn't be a big deal as it should not impact my ability to get pregnant (which is a good thing because I apparently have so many hindrances already!), but I don't like the idea of it being there. It feels like something foreign, an intruder that doesn't belong. Has anyone had experience with these types of cysts?

I was relieved when the IF nurse called and said that my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the second round of Clomid. I am doing 50mg again, as I O'ed last time he sees no benefit to upping the dosage. He said that if we are not successful this time around we will need to met with him and discuss the next step. I am just so grateful that we are not missing out on yet another medicated cycle. If we hadn't had to sit out last month (assuming, of course, that we didn't get pregnant) I would have been on round 3 by now and moved on to who knows what else! I just took my last dose of Clomid last night (thankfully no real problems) and now the fun can really start! I am really hopeful that this time will be a success!

In other news, I survived mother's day, the second year in a row I was not able to celebrate. For the last two years when this day rolls around I think, NEXT YEAR, next year I will be able to participate as a mommy in this glorious day! So far that hasn't happened. But yesterday, I found myself again thinking, NEXT YEAR, next year will be my turn, next year it won't hurt. And you know what, I have to (I need to) believe that is true! I really think there should be a special card section on mother's day for those of us who are trying desperately and doing all we can to become mothers! I think we deserve a little recognition, too, dammit! After all, we are already mothers in our hearts, doing everything in our power for a child we've not yet met but already love unconditionally!

It is a wonder I made it through yesterday at all. I knew I should have trusted my first instinct to stay home, tucked safely away in bed where no one or nothing could hurt or cause me pain. Well, so much for the that... The day began with my sweet hubby wishing me happy mother's day, to which I replied, why me? He sweetly responded, "you will be a mother soon."   This put a BIG smile on my face and eased the pain in my heart. I was hoping to survive the day without incident, but sadly that was not to be. Later, we went to MILs house as we do every year on this day. We were sitting there, starring at the television screen, minding our own business and praying to get out of there ASAP (I wasn't feeling well - nausea and hot-flashes courtesy of Clomid) when suddenly my MIL asks us, "when are you due?" To which my brother and sis-n-law who are also present at the time, ask if I am pregnant, to which I have to respond with a painful, "no." MIL goes on to say, "well, it sure would be nice if you were." My first thought was, "really? Well, no shit!"

Now, I love my MIL dearly, but she has this disorder in which her brain is not always connected to her mouth. I am sure she meant it as a joke, perhaps to lighten the mood or whatever, but there was nothing particularly jovial about it to me, nor was my current mood anything but light! Now, I dunno what would possess her to dare ask us such a thing, and then to have family members ask if we are pregnant?! How does she not see how painful, insensitive, and grossly inappropriate such a thing is?! On any day but most especially on mother's day. REALLY?!

At least I have a lot of things to keep me busy and occupied. My semester just started so that is keeping on my toes, and I'm busy getting my internship underway. I am really looking forward to working closely with children and generally helping people and doing good.

Wow, did that just happen?

Took my last provera on Saturday and now just waiting for AF to arrive. I've noticed some light spotting today so with any luck AF will be here at least by the end of the week. We were at dinner with my husband's parents the other day when MIL asked me when my next RE appointment was, how things were going, etc., etc. Not uncommon questions, but what followed next took me a little by surprise. I explained to her how I had to take this month off due to the development of a cyst on my ovary from the clomid. I told her I was taking some meds now to bring on AF and then when it started I would go back in for another transvaginal to find the cyst hopefully dissolved and I would then be able to begin the second round of clomid. Now, as I said it is not uncommon for the topic of conversation to swing toward the subject of our baby making efforts, I take this is a sign that my MIL cares and wants a child for us just as badly as we do. What happened next, however, was uncharacteristic and I dare say, had me a little offended. After giving her the rundown of our current situation her response was, "But do they think it can happen?" Um, I'm sorry, what? Did I just hear that right? This had me completely blindsided! Oh, and did I mention we were in a restaurant at the time?! No, that's not awkward at all... I then told her as best I could that no one has ever said it will be impossible for me to get pregnant, more difficult, obviously, but not impossible. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, perhaps it was an innocent comment, but I take it as offensive and it is a negativity I certainly don't need. I really don't need to think about the possibility of it never happening. Never is a frightening word, one which I try ever day to push as far out of my mind as it will go. I do this because when I think about the possibility of never experiencing pregnancy and motherhood I start to panic, it becomes difficult to breathe and I feel as though the walls are closing in. So in the midst of all this, when I am struggling with every fiber of my being to have hope and think positively, why introduce such a negative thought to my psyche? Never implies a definite, never means the end, that all hope is lost. Realistically, I, of course, know there is a possibility that I may never experience the joy and wonder of motherhood, but I prefer to think of it as a very slim chance. That day, the more I thought of my MILs question the more offended I became. I wonder, was I right to be offended by my MILs poorly chosen words, or was I just being too sensitive, perhaps reading into it something that wasn't there to begin with? I am going through and difficult time and rightfully, find myself in a sensitive and highly emotional state. I have no doubt my MIL had the best of intentions and really meant no harm, but that doesn't stop me from being astonished that she could pose such a question in the first place; that such a thought could enter her head space. In the midst of all the time, expense, and emotional upheaval, I need only to surround myself with positive and uplifting people; my mental health depends on it! 

In other more positive news, we know a couple, a success story of the same RE we are currently seeing, who just had twins, a boy and a girl! Anyway, the husband told us that they have a leftover vile of folistim that is still in date and rather than simply toss it out as they happily have no use for it anymore, they have offered to donate it to us should we end up starting injectables soon. This is a big deal as I have recently learned that these injectable medications are often $500 a pop. HOLY COW!!! I am so touched by this small act of kindness from people who know what we're going through because not too long ago they themselves were in the trenches. I have come to realize, however, that in the IF world, there are no small acts of kindness. It can be a hug, a conversation, or a simple comment on this blog, every attempt to reach out and connect to someone who has been where you are, means the world! Our friends are a success story, they made to the other side of the pain and heartache that  is infertility and found their well-deserved and hard-earned happy ending. This is powerful and gives us immense hope that our happy ending is right around the corner. It is proof that for every bit of negativity that exists in the IF world, there is an equal amount of positivity and support!