A Series of Fortunate, Unfortunate, Events

Over the past few days I have sat down to write several blogs and for some reason just stopped. I'm not sure why, guess I just haven't had much to say.

This past weekend was a rough one. Well, actually, it started on Thursday when my grandmother and I got into it. The previous night at dinner she upset both DH and I. She kept going on and on about how we should use the nursery as storage since we won't be having a baby anytime soon (she doesn't know we're trying). We kept telling her that no, that is the nursery and we don't want anything else going in there. Well, she was relentless and wouldn't let up, she just kept pushing, so finally we just had to walk away. I stewed about the things she said all night, losing sleep over them. I was so upset and hurt by her words that I cried. The next day I hadn't planned on bringing it up, but I ended up confronting her. I basically told her that it is hard being a married couple and living here in her home. I told her that I felt she was nosy, meddlesome, intrusive, constantly in our business and questioning our decisions/choices, and that we have no privacy. I told her that what we decide to do in our own home is our business and doesn't concern anybody else. I told her that she needs to keep her opinions to herself at times and think before she speaks. She didn't like this and some hurtful things were said on her part, which I will not be sharing here. My grandmother is a very opinionated woman. She thinks her way is the only way, and that everyone else doesn't know what they're doing. Why would we use the nursery for storage when we have already painted the walls? When we have already bought a crib (she doesn't know that)? The point is that people shouldn't assume they know what's going on in other people's lives. Her saying those things about the nursery and about us not having a baby in the future was very hurtful to me. Here I am in my 2WW, waiting to find out if I am pregnant and she says the most insensitive thing possible. I didn't take it well. I feel like she doesn't even want us to have children and that really hurts. What does she expect us to do, wait until we're in our 40s and all my eggs have dried up? I am already having trouble getting pregnant so no thank you! I know you can make the argument that she doesn't even know we're trying so how can she be held accountable for the things she said? Well, that's the thing, she has no right to make assumptions regarding such a personal and intimate matter between a husband and wife. And that's exactly why we haven't told her because we don't think she'll take it well.  And given her reaction, we have every reason now to believe that is the truth. And yes, I believe it is hard to be a married couple living with any family member; there is bound to be some head-butting, but especially with a grandmother who is veeeery set in her ways and thinks she knows all. Yes, she gave us a place to come when DH lost his job. Being here allowed us to get back on our feet and start saving for a house. I am appreciative and deeply grateful for that, but at some point enough is enough. I really don't know how we have survived in this house for the past 2 years. I just think we have been here long enough and it's time to get back in our own space and back to the way things were. I just hope my relationship with my grandmother can be repaired after all this...

But don't worry, this story has a happy ending. So, Friday I ended up spending the day with my mom (I just couldn't bear to spend another second in the house with my grandmother). I ended up telling my mom that we have been trying for a baby for a while and she started crying. She said that if we want a family she gives her full support and that she thinks we will be wonderful parents. As I have mentioned previously in my blog, my mom also suffered with infertility and had to use meds to help her get pregnant. So, she understands what I'm going through and said she would be here anytime I needed her. Though, she was also saddened to hear that I am suffering a similar fate. I think that's why I put off telling her for so long, because I didn't want her to be sad for me. I'm not sure why my grandmother would begrudge us the right to have a family; DH has a great job, we are financially stable, we just bought our first home, I am in grad school, and we certainly aren't kids anymore. Whatever the reason, I at least know that I have my mother's support and that means the world to me. So see, something good did come out out of something bad. Had this not happened, my mother probably still wouldn't know.

On the 2WW front there is not much to report. My breasts (nipple area) felt sensitive for a couple of days, but that seems to have gone away now. Who knows, maybe I was just imagining it in the first place. When you want something so badly your mind can play tricks on you. I've certainly been there before. Yesterday, I saw the faintest hint of pink on the TP. I wouldn't have even noticed it if I hadn't been looking. I didn't see anything else all day yesterday and then today I saw it again this morning except that it was brown (sorry TMI). Nothing again so far. I would like to believe it is implantation bleeding, but something tells me it is probably just my period about to start; especially since I tend to start out spotting anyway, and I have been a little crampy and just generally feeling like AF is on her way. I guess we will just have to wait and see...

As for progress on the house, painters are coming in tomorrow, we can hopefully get the carpet installed Saturday, and hopefully start moving things in as early as Sunday. Which means, we can be moved in as soon as two weeks from now. Hooray!

As a side note, classes start back in less than a month so I may be blogging less frequently. Take care and hope everyone has a great week!

Need to get this off my chest....

Taking a break from my regularly scheduled blog to get something off my chest...

Some people are just really crappy friends. Hate to say it, but man is it the truth; and as we are all aware, sometimes the truth hurts. Do you ever wonder why you keep certain people in your life? Is it years of history and the allure of a shared past that make it difficult to let go? Is it these things which make it difficult to reconcile the fact that the person standing before you now is a far cry from the person you knew 12 years ago? Do you continue hanging on out of hope that maybe, just maybe, sparks will fly and somehow the two of you will find a connection again? Or, could it simply be that too much has happened between then and now, and it is impossible to get that spark back? Am I living in the past? Trying desperately to recapture that which is lost to me forever? Am I a fool for holding onto hope?

It has been obvious for quite some time, that I care a great deal more about this person than they do me. We all know that that kind of one-sidedness spells disaster in any relationship.Is it time to really give up and move on, throw in the towel entirely? The sad truth of the matter is, this person probably wouldn't even notice or care that I'm gone. For too long she has taken my friendship for granted. I give and give, constantly trying to make a connection, constantly trying to reach out, only to get nothing in return. It's obvious that this "friend" cares nothing for my happiness and is, in fact, threatened by it. Seriously, what kind of friend begrudges another their happiness? And "best friends" at that! Maybe we were never BFFs, maybe it was all just some illusion in my mind. Did she ever care for me the way I did for her? It's obvious this friend has moved on and I have been replaced. Moved on to a better life, better friends, a better family (or so she thinks, and that's the sad part).

How do you just say goodbye to 12 years of friendship? How do you throw it all away? How do you forget the memories and times spent together? How do you forget the past? It angers me that I have so much trouble with this, when obviously it means nothing to my "friend." How do you accept that the person you have loved and cared for for years, just doesn't give a damn about you?

So, I am moving on. I am doing so because I deserve better. I deserve someone who is actually going to check up on me and see how I'm doing, someone who actually cares about what's going on in my life and gives a damn about the struggles I'm going through, someone who truly and genuinely, wishes me happiness and success. As of now, I honestly feel that I could die tomorrow and you would not care. Hell, you probably wouldn't even know because you aren't a part of my life.

I want you to know, however, that unlike you, I don't begrudge you happiness. I hope you find whatever you're looking for. I hope that in time you can get back to yourself, as opposed to the hollow shell of a person you are now. I will not mourn the end of our friendship, because I will carry with me the memories of the person I knew; you, however, are not her. You have become someone completely unrecognizable to me. You are not a bad person, I believe there is a lot of good in you; and beneath all of your pain, I know you have a giving heart; but you are a crappy friend.

You have already thrown me away like yesterday's garbage, so I say to you, have a nice life...