The miracle of life is a beautiful thing...

A very dear friend of mine gave birth to two beautiful baby girls today. She struggled through years of infertility and is now blessed with not one, but two babies! She has endured things I couldn't imagine (and hope I don't have to). All the years of hard work, pain, and anguish have finally paid off, though, as she and her husband are now blessed with TWO precious miracle babies! I am being sincere when I say that words cannot adequately express how truly elated I am for her. It has been a long journey to get where she is today. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 8 months, but my process has only begun. I know it is nothing compared to all she has gone through. She has been a dear friend, and a great support during my own time of need. I mean what I say when I say that truly, no one deserves motherhood more than this woman.

So, is it bad to say that despite my overwhelming happiness and excitement for her, I feel a twinge of sadness for myself? This makes me feel like a bad person, and an even worse friend. I don't begrudge my friend one moment of the happiness that I know she fought so hard for; at the same time, though, that baby envy just has to rear its ugly head. I suppose it's only natural, and maybe I shouldn't beat myself up, but having these feelings makes me feel like a selfish prick. My happiness for my friend is completely genuine and comes from the depths of my heart. As any woman longing for a child, however, I can't help but ask myself, "when is it going to be my turn?" It was a long, hard battle, but my friend fought and won at the end of the day, so I will keep fighting for my dream of motherhood just the same. If nothing else she has set a truly great example for me. I have never seen someone with more perseverance, more determination, than her. No one deserves to hear the word "mom" more. I just continue to hope and pray that such a title is in my near future as well. :-)

Visions of the Future

Why must I continuously torture myself? I am not even pregnant yet and I find myself imagining daily what the nursery will look like, how I will decorate it, etc. I become lost in thought for hours, obsessing over every minute detail. My husband tells me that when we buy our house I am free to go ahead and decorate the room that will be the baby's nursery even if I am not pregnant by then (which I hope and pray I will be). If I chose to go ahead with that plan, I would of course decorate using neutral colors that would work for boy or girl. So, I have spent literally hours scouring the internet for neutral colors and nursery themes. On the one hand, this makes me happy and give me an incredible sense of hope for the future; on the other, it is incredibly painful and makes my heart ache all the more. Does this make me a masochist?

I have been grappling with whether or not decorating a nursery would be a good idea. Would I really be able to handle walking by an empty room everyday? And what if (God forbid) it takes me YEARS to conceive, would my heart be able to take it? Again, it would bring an incredible sense of hope, but that hope would not come without incredible pain. Would I be able to take the constant reminder of what my husband and I are missing from our lives? Would it be worth it? I am not yet decided, guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

Weekend Adventures.

Well, my weekend started out on Saturday going to town to pick out a few outfits for my two-month-old niece for Christmas. Now, if you know me then you understand that me in the baby section of any store is a bad idea. I repeat, BAD IDEA! I can't go past a baby section without getting all teary-eyed. That said, I was understandably dreading this particular shopping trip. I get to the store, venture into the baby section, and am immediately greeted by the most adorable sets of baby clothes and little outfits; it is so bad I can hardly take all the cuteness that surrounds me. As I am pursuing all the baby items, Iam reminded of an episode of "How I Met Your Mother," the one where the gang finds a sweet little baby sock and immediately all of them (most notably Marshal and Lily) are swept up in a frenzy of baby fever. I think it's fair to say that this is an adequate representation of my life right now. Given all the disappointment I have faced in the last 6 months, is it any wonder why me + baby section of any store = immediate not goodness? The past 6 months have been an emotional roller-coaster to say the least. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down, or any mixture in between. I am proud of myself though for miraculously keeping it together in the store. When I got out into the parking lot and into my car, that's when I lost it; I just started bawling. Oh well, at least I managed to hold it off until then, I even surprised myself. Guess I should feel accomplished. 

How could this weekend get any worse you ask? Flash forward to Sunday night. My hubby and I were over at his parents house to see out two nieces  and his little sister get an impromptu house call from Santa. More back story time. My husband has two brothers, both around my age. Neither are married but both have girlfriends (Okay, well, one a fiance) and also children. One has the aforementioned two-month-old niece, the other, a three-year-old. Where is this story going you ask? Well, as you might have already surmised from the situation, my husband and I were the only couple present without children. Yep, that's right! Awkward much?! So, needless to say, I felt uncomfortable, out of place, and sad. I didn't want to be there in the first place but my husband talked me into it. Call me a Scrooge or whatever you like, but I just didn't feel like putting myself through that pain. And I feel that given the circumstances, I shouldn't have to explain or justify myself to anyone. I wish I had ignored him and listened to my own instincts, however, as the evening took an awkward turn I had hardly anticipated or expected, but that is another story for another time...

As I sad in a previous blog, the holidays can be a really difficult time for any couple longing for a child but finding themselves without one. Santa brought my nieces toys and other great surprises, but he failed to bring me what I want most of all. I wanted to ask, "Where is my baby, Santa? Is the stork on his way?" Sadly, it looks like I won't be getting me Christmas miracle baby after all. Maybe 2011 will be the year...

This holiday season I am trying desperately not to become swept up in bitterness and resentments over what others have that my husband and I don't, but I admit it has certainly been a struggle. It is becoming harder and harder to ignore the aching void in my heart desperately longing to be filled with love for a child, our child. God willing, this time next year we will be expecting our own bundle of joy. In the meantime, I will continue to keep this blog as a reminder of the love I have for a precious boy or girl I've yet to meet. 

Happy holidays, everyone!