So the second round of Clomid was unsuccessful. AF arrived today (CD34) and I am now awaiting a call from the IF nurse to schedule an appt for more Clomid and/or to discuss further options. After two failed rounds is it time to move on to IUI? Both times I have succeeded in O'ing on the lowest dose of Clomid (yay!), but neither round has resulted in a pregnancy. I am just at a loss. You'd think timed-intercourse coupled with my hubby's well-above-average  sperm count would result in ONE of those spermies catching the golden prize, but apparently not. I am just soooo frustrated at this point. On the one hand, the Clomid has been a success in that I have O'd twice on the lowest dose (50mg). I guess that is a feat in itself, but what good does it really do if it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy? So right now I am literally mourning the loss of a life that could have been. The blood now flowing from my body serves as a painful reminder of another egg that did not get to reach its potential. My body, my uterus, prepared a safe environment for an unborn child that did not come to be, and now I am literally losing all of that. It just seems so wasteful. There goes a potential life that we would have loved so much. Maybe some think I'm crazy, maybe others don't get it, but this is how I'm feeling right now. With every failure there is a loss of chance, of opportunity, of hope. Are we wasting our time at this point with Clomid alone? These are questions we will bring to our RE. All I know is I'm tired; tired of crying, tired of feeling the hopelessness and despair, tired of feeling like we are doomed to fail and will never receive our happy ending; a happy ending that no one deserves more than my husband. I am tired of feeling like I am the one standing in the way of the AWESOME dad I know he will be.

I am also considering discontinuing this blog. I don't have many followers and no one ever comments, so I am basically just talking to myself anyhow. Plus, with work and school I just don't have time to update like I should. The jury is still out on whether to delete or make private.

Well, so much for that

Well, took a test this morning, BFN which is just what I was expecting. So why then do I feel so crappy? I called the IF nurse and now just waiting for my provera to be called in. I am just ready for this whole cycle to be over and behind us so that we can start fresh. Of course, I wish I didn't have to take 10 days worth of provera just to make AF show.That in itself is just another delay. I feel like my body is playing a cruel joke at my expense. "Oh, CD35 and no AF, maybe you're pregnant, oh, surprise, you're not!" I've been living the same story over and over again for going on two years now. I am really starting to be fearful at this point that it may never happen. Oh, and did I mention that tomorrow is my husband's birthday? I had fantasized all week about having the best news to share with him, making this the most memorable birthday ever, but turns out that was once again, not meant to be.  He wants to go to dinner tonight for his birthday. I don't feel like going out or being around people in general. But I will be the good wife, put on a smile, and pretend I'm not dying inside. I just really hope this cyst is gone at my nest ultrasound, I don't know what I'll do if it's still there. And now I am feeling nauseous courtesy of my prenatal vitamin. Why do I even bother?  Sorry if this is all incoherent rambling that doesn't make any sense. I'm just not in a good place right now. Hope IF nurse returns my call soon...

Round One = Epic Fail.

Well, looks like the first round of Clomid was a bust. I took a test yesterday afternoon, BFN, But my urine was diluted so I decided to repeat the test again this AM with FMU, BFN. Waiting on the nurse to call me back as to where we go from here. AF still hasn't showed so I guess I wait out this week and retest if she still hasn't arrived.

I just don't understand. There's every reason it should have worked and yet it did not. I am fine until I talk to DH about it and then the water works start. I just wish I didn't have to cry every time I get a damn BFN. But how do you NOT take it personally when it's one of the most personal things in the world? And not only do I have to process and come to terms with a negative outcome, I now also have the pleasure of telling the news to my IF nurse, while trying to keep it together at the same time. Oh, and to add further insult to injury, just as I am getting my BFN, I go on FB and happen to see that an acquaintance of a mutual friend just gave birth.

I feel like I'm being punished by God or something. Why else would it be this hard? I am trying to dust myself off and keep moving, but really all I want to do right now is curl up into a little ball. I'm trying to focus my energy on other things I have going on: school, job interview on Thursday, etc., but now in the wake of such a let down it all seems like so much to bear. But life goes on and the world keeps turning so what can you do? I'm convinced I will never see a second line on an HPT, that it's all nothing more than a conspiracy.

*EDIT* Why do I even bother to tell people how I feel? They don't really care and I'm tired of talking. All people seem to do is offer some lame platitude like, "I understand," when they really have no clue at all I. I am done confiding in others. All it does is make me feel more alone...P.S. this was not directed at anyone here, but to a few people IRL.

Negative.

First of all, I want to say I appreciate everyone who weighed in on my decision to test. Ultimately, I decided to go ahead with it anyway (didn't you see that coming? lol. We ask others for their opinion but really we already have our mind made up....). As you can surmise from the title of this post, the result wasn't positive. I was so sure I was pregnant given the symptoms I have been having, but as the clock ticked down to the 5 minute mark, I began to have my doubts. I looked at the test after 5 minutes and saw only one line (it's as if that one line was mocking me). I peered at the test closely, examining it in the light, turning it this way and that in the hopes that maybe there was a very faint line I didn't see...nothing. BFN. I'm not gonna say it didn't hurt, I think it always hurts no matter what. This is the first HPT I have taken since, wow, April or something like that, so of course I was hoping for a BFP! Surprisingly, though, I'm handling it better than I thought I would. I really think I'm okay this time. I got a +OPK yesterday and that still gives me a lot of hope. I will be testing again today to see if we can go two-for-two. I'm not out of the game yet!

As for my symptoms, maybe it is the Met, or a stomach bug? Symptoms of ovulation? Who knows. Yesterday I only took two doses of the Met. I was so sick last night that I just couldn't bring myself to take the third dose. I am going to give it through the weekend and if I am still feeling this craptastic on Monday I will be calling Dr. C. to see if we can't do something different. I have heard that the ER tablets lessen side-effects, maybe we should give those a whirl? Either way, I don't want to give up on the Met because it is clearly doing something right! I just don't understand why it would be affecting me so badly now. I guess maybe because it has had time to build up in my system now and my body is not handling the 1500mg dosage very well? Again, who knows...If need be I will step back on the dosage until things calm down.

 We are having a birthday dinner for my aunt's 50th tonight. I really hope I can manage to eat something (and keep it down, and not have to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes). I really have just had zero appetite the last few days, I don't know what's going on. I didn't puke again last night (thank God). Felt like I was going to but it never happened, just nausea (and lots of trips to the bathroom). I really hope I start feeling better soon! =/

Holiday Blues

There is something so depressing about the holidays when you are childless. All around me I see couples with their children and it is really getting me down. This Christmas marks the first in our conception journey, I can't help but wonder, however, will this be the first of many childless holiday celebrations for my husband and I? Boy I hope not! I was optimistic in the beginning; praying, hoping, dreaming, that I would be pregnant by the holidays, but now as Christmas looms ahead, it seems clear that is not going to be my reality, at least not this time around. I remember when I was a little girl the holidays used to be such a magical time for me, now I long to see the magic of the holidays in the eyes of my own child, but silently I wonder, "will I?"

Why is it that when you are TTC you believe that you will be pregnant for every special event or holiday? You get your hopes up and they are inevitably let down. Is life really that cruel? I thought I was going  to be pregnant earlier this month when my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I prayed I would have some good news to share with him, I tried to have a good feeling about it. But then I took the test and once again, BFN, just one damn line! I called him at work to deliver the not-so-good news, he tried to be strong, supportive, and encouraging as always, but behind the words I could sense he was as disappointed as I was. After talking with him few a few, I hung up the phone and just broke down. The thing that makes me really angry is that although I expect a BFN each month, it still hits me like a ton of bricks when I see it. I know it's coming, and yet it tears me apart every time. I guess that's because each month I have that pesky glimmer of hope that maybe, just MAYBE, this will FINALLY be the month. It never is of course, not so far anyway. But try as I might I can't seem to shake that one shred of hope that keeps hanging on for dear life, so I guess that's why it hurts so much. Either I am an incurable optimist or just glutton-for-punishment, I haven't decided yet.

Who knows, maybe 2011 will be the year! Maybe this will be the year I FINALLY see my greatest dream realized - MOTHERHOOD!!! Score one for the incurable optimist side. :)

Don't Mess with Mother Nature...

From the time I was little I knew with certainty that the one thing in life I most wanted to be was a mother. I've had other dreams sure, but this is the one that has been a true constant in my life. When we are  little girls playing with our dollies, we never think of any alternative, it never enters our minds that mother nature could one day be so cruel. It is what we are designed for after all, right? So how could it possibly go any way other than the perfect dream we expect, the one we have anticipated all of out lives? Flash forward several years later and - WRONG! If I didn't want it so bad, I suppose 6 months of BFN's wouldn't hurt so much. But with each passing month, with each passing single line, it feels like my heart is getting ripped from my chest. Month after month has felt like a defeat, it is hard to even enjoy sex anymore and that is sad. It's tragic when sex begins to feel more like a chore for procreation's sake, but how do you avoid falling into that trap? I love my husband very much, and I love that we are trying desperately to make one perfect, single being out of the love we share for one another, but as the months zoom by it becomes more and more difficult to enjoy sex when I am consumed with anxieties and worries over having not yet conceived, thinking, "what is wrong with me?!"

It really hurts to long for something so much, to have such a desire placed on your heart and yet have no control over when or IF it happens. Scary stuff. The point I'm trying to make here is that whether it has been 6 months or 6 years, that longing for a child is the same in all of us.With each passing BFN I feel as though I am mourning the loss of a child that doesn't even exist yet. I know many people hearing that would probably think I'm crazy, but I also know that to other women out there longing for a baby it makes perfect sense, and so that provides me at least a little comfort. You might say that is the purpose of this blog, to express my own feelings and hopefully connect with other women in the process. I need to know that I am not alone in this, I need to know there are others in the same boat, so, if you're out there, throw me a life raft...