In exactly one month from today I will attend my first RE appointment. Though I am hoping I won't have to go. I got a +OPK the other day (CD 26) and am about 5DPO now. I am trying to think positive and hope for the best, but I fear it didn't work. I am really worried about suffering such a disappoint so close to the holiday (a time that is already pretty difficult for me) and wondering how I'll be able to come back from it if the news is not what I so hope for. This is really not the time for me to fall into a depression. If I do turn out to be pregnant, it would truly be a Christmas miracle! Funny that I find myself in the same place as last year, hoping desperately for that miracle, that blessing. My husband provides me with everything my heart could desire, yet there is only one gift I want, the ultimate gift; sadly he has no control over when I will receive this gift.If you told me last year at this time, that i would be sitting in the same place a year later, I would have said you were nuts! I told DH the other day that the potential for let down is so much greater when you try to time everything perfectly and it STILL doesn't happen, as opposed to just going about it blindly and hoping for the best. When it doesn't work you wonder, "what's wrong with me?" "Could I have done something differently?" "Why didn't it work?" It makes me wonder, is it better not to know? I'm really worried that I will be spiraling into a depression soon. And I don't want DH to have to deal with picking up the shattered pieces, because I know this is hard for him, too. Maybe he doesn't express it like I do, but I know it is and I think I sometimes forget that. I'm always talking about "me," when this is a "we."
I tell myself that if I have to go to the doctor so be it, that was just the path meant for me. I try to keep sight of my many blessings, and I am very thankful for what I have, I just can't help but think of that one missing piece to an almost perfect life. I wonder when we will be hanging a stocking for our child, when we will be buying him or her presents for under the tree, when we will be sneaking around in the middle of the night to play Santa. These are the moments I wait for, and yet I wonder when/if they will ever happen. We have so many nieces and nephews to buy for this Christmas, but when will it be our own? When will see the magic and wonder of the holidays as witnessed through the eyes of our own child?
The other day a woman said, "it is God's will to bless a couple with a child, he is the one who decides when/if this will happen." So going by that logic, is my decision to seek fertility treatments going against God's will or plan for me? Interestingly, I find that women who say this have no idea the pain of struggling for just ONE child. I find these comments insensitive, and they make my pain all the worse. Am I a bad person if God has yet to bless me with a child? No, I don't believe that. My husband and I have so much love in our hearts to give and I have no doubt we will be AWESOME parents!
So right now I sit hoping and praying that not only do I not see my period in two weeks time, I don't see it because I am pregnant! I am trying to stop myself from daydreaming yet I can't seem to help it. So many times I have thought about the moment that second line appears, and the moment we tell our loved ones; how happy they'll be. I believe having hope is a good thing, but at the same time I wonder the price for hopes that are too high? Will I come crashing down? I guess time will tell...
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Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
What I am Thankful for...
Yes, I know I am a little late on this post, but with the holiday season upon us, I feel the need to take note of my many blessings in life:
- Above all, I am thankful for my husband and almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together total), years that have been the happiest of my life. I am thankful to my husband for making so many of my dreams possible, he made me a wife, and with him, I hope to fulfill my ultimate dream of motherhood. I hope for many more happy years with my best friend by my side.
- I am thankful for our home; a home that we share filled with so much love. Last spring we embarked on the journey of buying our first home. In true fairytale fashion, we fell in love with the second home we saw and just knew it was the one for us. We had to have it! After going back and forth with the bank for what seemed like an eternity, we closed on the house in May, and finally moved in in late August. This Christmas is particularly special to us because it will be the first one spent in our new home. The house is small and cozy, with a very home-y feel and it is OURS. After 2 years of living with my grandmother after DH lost his job, it feels so good to be back on our feet and have something to call our own again. I will never again take for granted the luxury of having a place to "hang my hat." I like to think that out of every misfortune there is a lesson to be learned, the lesson here is to be thankful for what we do have in life, and to take stock of our many blessings, for each day is a gift. We rose from this setback, from one of the truly lowest points in our lives together as a couple, and look where we are now?! Homeowners!! I truly believe this house was meant for us. At one point in the journey we almost lost it to another couple, but at the last minute their offer fell through and the house was once again ours for the taking. Fate intervening, perhaps? I take it as further proof that this home was meant for us! We went through hell to get this house, it was definitely a time of both great excitement and great stress, but we did it! It has been a fixer-upper, but every project, every renovation, has been soooo worth it! This house has so much potential, and it has been a true joy making it our own. In a home already bursting with so much love, I truly cannot wait until we have a little one occupying the empty room we now call the nursery. I hope to someday very soon walk into that room and stare down not at an empty crib, but at a bundle of joy lying there fast asleep. I can totally see our children growing up in this house, in this nice neighborhood community; calling this home. I can hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and the sweet sound of a child's laughter. I hope that someday soon these things will be a reality, not just wishes and dreams residing in the spaces of my heart.
- I am thankful for my education and the many doors it has opened for me, doors that I would not have access to otherwise. I am currently working on my Master's degree in mental health counseling. I am once again thankful for the opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and know that it is a true privilege being able to do so.
- I am thankful for my two pugs, Zoe and Xander. More than mere dogs, these two are part of the family and always provide me with so much love and comfort. They are my babies, my "fur children," and in many ways they have helped to ease the pain of not yet having a child of our own. They love freely, unconditionally, and are accepting without judgment. They are always happy to see me, and are there to offer a lick or curl up in my lap or beside me on the couch when they sense I am feeling the pain of yet another BFN. While it is not the same as having a human child, they have helped to fill the empty space in my heart, and for that I will be forever grateful to them. I hope our children will have the privilege of growing up alongside these two great companions.
Lastly, I am thankful that if I must bear the burden of infertility, at least there are doctors out there that can help me (and women like me) achieve my dream of parenthood. I am grateful to have access to a wonderful RE that I will be going to in January. I am grateful that women today have these options, where years ago options for women struggling to conceive were quite limited. Thankfully today there is help, and most importantly, hope.
I know that for those of use living with infertility, it can be easy to lose sight of all the good things in our lives, especially around the holidays when it is all about children. I know that for me, I get so wrapped up in my quest to become a mom that I often forget about the many blessings I do have. I know the holidays can be incredibly difficult for those of us who are childless, but I also think it's important to put things in perspective and remember those things, even if small, that we are thankful for.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and wishing everyone a happy holiday season!
- Above all, I am thankful for my husband and almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together total), years that have been the happiest of my life. I am thankful to my husband for making so many of my dreams possible, he made me a wife, and with him, I hope to fulfill my ultimate dream of motherhood. I hope for many more happy years with my best friend by my side.
- I am thankful for our home; a home that we share filled with so much love. Last spring we embarked on the journey of buying our first home. In true fairytale fashion, we fell in love with the second home we saw and just knew it was the one for us. We had to have it! After going back and forth with the bank for what seemed like an eternity, we closed on the house in May, and finally moved in in late August. This Christmas is particularly special to us because it will be the first one spent in our new home. The house is small and cozy, with a very home-y feel and it is OURS. After 2 years of living with my grandmother after DH lost his job, it feels so good to be back on our feet and have something to call our own again. I will never again take for granted the luxury of having a place to "hang my hat." I like to think that out of every misfortune there is a lesson to be learned, the lesson here is to be thankful for what we do have in life, and to take stock of our many blessings, for each day is a gift. We rose from this setback, from one of the truly lowest points in our lives together as a couple, and look where we are now?! Homeowners!! I truly believe this house was meant for us. At one point in the journey we almost lost it to another couple, but at the last minute their offer fell through and the house was once again ours for the taking. Fate intervening, perhaps? I take it as further proof that this home was meant for us! We went through hell to get this house, it was definitely a time of both great excitement and great stress, but we did it! It has been a fixer-upper, but every project, every renovation, has been soooo worth it! This house has so much potential, and it has been a true joy making it our own. In a home already bursting with so much love, I truly cannot wait until we have a little one occupying the empty room we now call the nursery. I hope to someday very soon walk into that room and stare down not at an empty crib, but at a bundle of joy lying there fast asleep. I can totally see our children growing up in this house, in this nice neighborhood community; calling this home. I can hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and the sweet sound of a child's laughter. I hope that someday soon these things will be a reality, not just wishes and dreams residing in the spaces of my heart.
- I am thankful for my education and the many doors it has opened for me, doors that I would not have access to otherwise. I am currently working on my Master's degree in mental health counseling. I am once again thankful for the opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and know that it is a true privilege being able to do so.
- I am thankful for my two pugs, Zoe and Xander. More than mere dogs, these two are part of the family and always provide me with so much love and comfort. They are my babies, my "fur children," and in many ways they have helped to ease the pain of not yet having a child of our own. They love freely, unconditionally, and are accepting without judgment. They are always happy to see me, and are there to offer a lick or curl up in my lap or beside me on the couch when they sense I am feeling the pain of yet another BFN. While it is not the same as having a human child, they have helped to fill the empty space in my heart, and for that I will be forever grateful to them. I hope our children will have the privilege of growing up alongside these two great companions.
Lastly, I am thankful that if I must bear the burden of infertility, at least there are doctors out there that can help me (and women like me) achieve my dream of parenthood. I am grateful to have access to a wonderful RE that I will be going to in January. I am grateful that women today have these options, where years ago options for women struggling to conceive were quite limited. Thankfully today there is help, and most importantly, hope.
I know that for those of use living with infertility, it can be easy to lose sight of all the good things in our lives, especially around the holidays when it is all about children. I know that for me, I get so wrapped up in my quest to become a mom that I often forget about the many blessings I do have. I know the holidays can be incredibly difficult for those of us who are childless, but I also think it's important to put things in perspective and remember those things, even if small, that we are thankful for.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and wishing everyone a happy holiday season!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Weekend Adventures.
Well, my weekend started out on Saturday going to town to pick out a few outfits for my two-month-old niece for Christmas. Now, if you know me then you understand that me in the baby section of any store is a bad idea. I repeat, BAD IDEA! I can't go past a baby section without getting all teary-eyed. That said, I was understandably dreading this particular shopping trip. I get to the store, venture into the baby section, and am immediately greeted by the most adorable sets of baby clothes and little outfits; it is so bad I can hardly take all the cuteness that surrounds me. As I am pursuing all the baby items, Iam reminded of an episode of "How I Met Your Mother," the one where the gang finds a sweet little baby sock and immediately all of them (most notably Marshal and Lily) are swept up in a frenzy of baby fever. I think it's fair to say that this is an adequate representation of my life right now. Given all the disappointment I have faced in the last 6 months, is it any wonder why me + baby section of any store = immediate not goodness? The past 6 months have been an emotional roller-coaster to say the least. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down, or any mixture in between. I am proud of myself though for miraculously keeping it together in the store. When I got out into the parking lot and into my car, that's when I lost it; I just started bawling. Oh well, at least I managed to hold it off until then, I even surprised myself. Guess I should feel accomplished.
How could this weekend get any worse you ask? Flash forward to Sunday night. My hubby and I were over at his parents house to see out two nieces and his little sister get an impromptu house call from Santa. More back story time. My husband has two brothers, both around my age. Neither are married but both have girlfriends (Okay, well, one a fiance) and also children. One has the aforementioned two-month-old niece, the other, a three-year-old. Where is this story going you ask? Well, as you might have already surmised from the situation, my husband and I were the only couple present without children. Yep, that's right! Awkward much?! So, needless to say, I felt uncomfortable, out of place, and sad. I didn't want to be there in the first place but my husband talked me into it. Call me a Scrooge or whatever you like, but I just didn't feel like putting myself through that pain. And I feel that given the circumstances, I shouldn't have to explain or justify myself to anyone. I wish I had ignored him and listened to my own instincts, however, as the evening took an awkward turn I had hardly anticipated or expected, but that is another story for another time...
As I sad in a previous blog, the holidays can be a really difficult time for any couple longing for a child but finding themselves without one. Santa brought my nieces toys and other great surprises, but he failed to bring me what I want most of all. I wanted to ask, "Where is my baby, Santa? Is the stork on his way?" Sadly, it looks like I won't be getting me Christmas miracle baby after all. Maybe 2011 will be the year...
This holiday season I am trying desperately not to become swept up in bitterness and resentments over what others have that my husband and I don't, but I admit it has certainly been a struggle. It is becoming harder and harder to ignore the aching void in my heart desperately longing to be filled with love for a child, our child. God willing, this time next year we will be expecting our own bundle of joy. In the meantime, I will continue to keep this blog as a reminder of the love I have for a precious boy or girl I've yet to meet.
Happy holidays, everyone!
How could this weekend get any worse you ask? Flash forward to Sunday night. My hubby and I were over at his parents house to see out two nieces and his little sister get an impromptu house call from Santa. More back story time. My husband has two brothers, both around my age. Neither are married but both have girlfriends (Okay, well, one a fiance) and also children. One has the aforementioned two-month-old niece, the other, a three-year-old. Where is this story going you ask? Well, as you might have already surmised from the situation, my husband and I were the only couple present without children. Yep, that's right! Awkward much?! So, needless to say, I felt uncomfortable, out of place, and sad. I didn't want to be there in the first place but my husband talked me into it. Call me a Scrooge or whatever you like, but I just didn't feel like putting myself through that pain. And I feel that given the circumstances, I shouldn't have to explain or justify myself to anyone. I wish I had ignored him and listened to my own instincts, however, as the evening took an awkward turn I had hardly anticipated or expected, but that is another story for another time...
As I sad in a previous blog, the holidays can be a really difficult time for any couple longing for a child but finding themselves without one. Santa brought my nieces toys and other great surprises, but he failed to bring me what I want most of all. I wanted to ask, "Where is my baby, Santa? Is the stork on his way?" Sadly, it looks like I won't be getting me Christmas miracle baby after all. Maybe 2011 will be the year...
This holiday season I am trying desperately not to become swept up in bitterness and resentments over what others have that my husband and I don't, but I admit it has certainly been a struggle. It is becoming harder and harder to ignore the aching void in my heart desperately longing to be filled with love for a child, our child. God willing, this time next year we will be expecting our own bundle of joy. In the meantime, I will continue to keep this blog as a reminder of the love I have for a precious boy or girl I've yet to meet.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Holiday Blues
There is something so depressing about the holidays when you are childless. All around me I see couples with their children and it is really getting me down. This Christmas marks the first in our conception journey, I can't help but wonder, however, will this be the first of many childless holiday celebrations for my husband and I? Boy I hope not! I was optimistic in the beginning; praying, hoping, dreaming, that I would be pregnant by the holidays, but now as Christmas looms ahead, it seems clear that is not going to be my reality, at least not this time around. I remember when I was a little girl the holidays used to be such a magical time for me, now I long to see the magic of the holidays in the eyes of my own child, but silently I wonder, "will I?"
Why is it that when you are TTC you believe that you will be pregnant for every special event or holiday? You get your hopes up and they are inevitably let down. Is life really that cruel? I thought I was going to be pregnant earlier this month when my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I prayed I would have some good news to share with him, I tried to have a good feeling about it. But then I took the test and once again, BFN, just one damn line! I called him at work to deliver the not-so-good news, he tried to be strong, supportive, and encouraging as always, but behind the words I could sense he was as disappointed as I was. After talking with him few a few, I hung up the phone and just broke down. The thing that makes me really angry is that although I expect a BFN each month, it still hits me like a ton of bricks when I see it. I know it's coming, and yet it tears me apart every time. I guess that's because each month I have that pesky glimmer of hope that maybe, just MAYBE, this will FINALLY be the month. It never is of course, not so far anyway. But try as I might I can't seem to shake that one shred of hope that keeps hanging on for dear life, so I guess that's why it hurts so much. Either I am an incurable optimist or just glutton-for-punishment, I haven't decided yet.
Who knows, maybe 2011 will be the year! Maybe this will be the year I FINALLY see my greatest dream realized - MOTHERHOOD!!! Score one for the incurable optimist side. :)
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