Well, the previous cycle was once again a bust. Though there is a silver lining I suppose (if there is one I will always find it). For ONCE, I was free and clear of cysts (not counting, of course, the ever present and annoying paratubal on left FT), and was given the go-ahead to begin my 4th round of Clomid 50mg. since we began treatment I have been in the one month on one month off pattern due to nasty cysts developing on my left ovary. Until now I have NEVER done two consecutive rounds of Clomid. Will this increase our chances? Will it make a difference? And so once again we find ourselves in the midst of that ever-persistent phenomenon known as hope. Following the disappointment of a failed cycle I swear to myself that I will never hope again; yet, without fail, I always find myself right back in the same place again; clinging to hope and daring to dream. I"ve no doubt many can relate to what I'm saying here. With each new cycle I think, "this will be the one...this is it." Only to have my positivity rewarded by the crushing weight of failure. I had the highest serum progesterone level I had ever had last cycle -26 to be exact. I took this as a promising sign but alas, it was not meant to be. They did an antral follicle count today at my ultrasound. I think they counted about 16 in each ovary. Are these good numbers? I really don't know much about the indications of antral follicle counts...

We also discussed the possibility of moving on to injectables soon. DH and I decided that because it is cheaper, we will finish out the remaining 3 rounds of Clomid and then move onto injectables if need be. We may not need them, but something tells me we probably will end up going that route. They are so expensive, though and we need to figure out how we will afford the cost and for how many rounds. I believe our clinic offers some financial assistance which we also need to inquire about. Injectables also means production of more eggs which means a greater chance of multiple pregnancy than with Clomid. Personally, I think twins would be awesome...a boy and a girl would be perfect! Anything beyond that, though, and I start to get a little scared. Whatever we end up with though is how it was meant to be and we would feel so blessed to have multiples! I am not picky though and would be happy with just one at a time if that's what's in the stars for us! For those who have done injectable meds, what is the average of eggs produced? Or does it depend on the woman? Also, is IUI with injections more successful than IUI with Clomid alone? We haven't done one yet but the nurse mentioned possibly trying one when we make the switch to injections. So far the IUI with Clomid has not been recommended and I wondered if the reasoning had anything to do with greater success rate using injections. I would think more eggs means increased chance of fertilization.  Luckily, we have a few months to really think this over and prepare ourselves both financially and emotionally for the looming transition that awaits our future.  Until then, I will continue to stand up; embrace hope; and try, try again.

Back on Track!

Had my appointment for a transvaginal ultrasound last Tuesday. To make a long story short, the cyst is still there but thankfully my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the 2nd round of Clomid...Finally! He said we will just be keeping a close eye on the cyst for now. It is a paratubal cyst hanging off my left FT. I have been told it will likely never go away, and should it grow or begin to cause any problems it will need to be removed. I thought it was the Clomid that caused it, but my RE said he saw it even at my first appointment back in January, though it was a bit smaller at that time. So now I have this blemish, this imperfection on my lady parts that will likely never go away. I know it shouldn't be a big deal as it should not impact my ability to get pregnant (which is a good thing because I apparently have so many hindrances already!), but I don't like the idea of it being there. It feels like something foreign, an intruder that doesn't belong. Has anyone had experience with these types of cysts?

I was relieved when the IF nurse called and said that my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the second round of Clomid. I am doing 50mg again, as I O'ed last time he sees no benefit to upping the dosage. He said that if we are not successful this time around we will need to met with him and discuss the next step. I am just so grateful that we are not missing out on yet another medicated cycle. If we hadn't had to sit out last month (assuming, of course, that we didn't get pregnant) I would have been on round 3 by now and moved on to who knows what else! I just took my last dose of Clomid last night (thankfully no real problems) and now the fun can really start! I am really hopeful that this time will be a success!

In other news, I survived mother's day, the second year in a row I was not able to celebrate. For the last two years when this day rolls around I think, NEXT YEAR, next year I will be able to participate as a mommy in this glorious day! So far that hasn't happened. But yesterday, I found myself again thinking, NEXT YEAR, next year will be my turn, next year it won't hurt. And you know what, I have to (I need to) believe that is true! I really think there should be a special card section on mother's day for those of us who are trying desperately and doing all we can to become mothers! I think we deserve a little recognition, too, dammit! After all, we are already mothers in our hearts, doing everything in our power for a child we've not yet met but already love unconditionally!

It is a wonder I made it through yesterday at all. I knew I should have trusted my first instinct to stay home, tucked safely away in bed where no one or nothing could hurt or cause me pain. Well, so much for the that... The day began with my sweet hubby wishing me happy mother's day, to which I replied, why me? He sweetly responded, "you will be a mother soon."   This put a BIG smile on my face and eased the pain in my heart. I was hoping to survive the day without incident, but sadly that was not to be. Later, we went to MILs house as we do every year on this day. We were sitting there, starring at the television screen, minding our own business and praying to get out of there ASAP (I wasn't feeling well - nausea and hot-flashes courtesy of Clomid) when suddenly my MIL asks us, "when are you due?" To which my brother and sis-n-law who are also present at the time, ask if I am pregnant, to which I have to respond with a painful, "no." MIL goes on to say, "well, it sure would be nice if you were." My first thought was, "really? Well, no shit!"

Now, I love my MIL dearly, but she has this disorder in which her brain is not always connected to her mouth. I am sure she meant it as a joke, perhaps to lighten the mood or whatever, but there was nothing particularly jovial about it to me, nor was my current mood anything but light! Now, I dunno what would possess her to dare ask us such a thing, and then to have family members ask if we are pregnant?! How does she not see how painful, insensitive, and grossly inappropriate such a thing is?! On any day but most especially on mother's day. REALLY?!

At least I have a lot of things to keep me busy and occupied. My semester just started so that is keeping on my toes, and I'm busy getting my internship underway. I am really looking forward to working closely with children and generally helping people and doing good.