Sometimes a bit of good news goes a looooooooong way!

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, my hubby got the results of his semen analysis back and sperm count, everything, was off the charts - 420 million to be exact! I wasn't aware a man could even produce that much sperm but apparently my husband does! The term for a very high sperm count is Polyzoospermia,  but the nurse assured us that because he maxed out the charts on morphology, motility (85%), etc.,all is fine. I am sure we will talk about it more in depth with the doctor at my next appointment.

So, it's good to know that we are now dealing with only one half of a "fertily challenged" couple. I am absolutely thrilled for my husband and for us, but at the same time I feel kind of sad, because now I know if it wasn't for me being "broken," he probably could have became a father long ago. My husband's troopers top the charts and that is wonderful (and also strangely a turn on), but we are still dealing with my retarded ovaries that just can't seem to function properly.

But it's OK, because we hopefully well on our way to getting them in ship shape! I have to finish out my Provera then as soon as I start my period I period I have to call and make an appointment (prior to cycle day 5) to come in for another transvaginal (have i mentioned how much I hate those?), and then we will start our first cycle of Clomid with 50mg. Never thought I'd be so anxious for AF to arrive! Let's get with the baby-making already! :)

8 DPO

So I estimate that I am approximately 8 DPO now. So far nothing in the way of symptoms other than the normal AF-type cramps. I am really starting to lose hope. Dr. Google is pretty much my worst enemy at this point. I read about so many women claiming to have symptoms 3-4DPO and here I am 8DPO with nada! Other than the on-off AF cramps, I am completely bone dry "down there" (sorry TMI), no CM whatsoever! Further evidence that we are likely out this month. I can try to deny it all I want, but I see this ending in one of three possible ways: 1) AF arrives before I even have a chance to test. 2) AF doesn't arrive but BFN. And finally, the last option and the one I am most hoping for, 3) AF doesn't arrive BFP! Anyone who has followed my blog at all knows it is not uncommon for me to miss periods (sometimes months at a time, thanks PCOS), but I want to miss a period because I'm actually pregnant. In the Past when I have missed a period, I always get my hopes up and start thinking, just maybe...which inevitably leads to the heartbreak of a BFN. No, if I'm not pregnant I would rather AF go ahead and show her ugly face, otherwise it is a sick, twisted, cruel joke that the universe is playing at my expense.

I don't know how I am going to wait 2+ weeks to finally test. Yeah, I know I could test in a few days, but I have made a decision to wait until after the holidays have passed. The last thing I need is to be depressed on Christmas. So unless I really start developing symptoms I don't see that changing. I am ashamed to admit that I am the woman who continually touches her boobs during the 2WW to see if they are getting sore - so far nothing. :(  I just really hate this. There is so much riding on this because I reeeeeallly don't want to go to that RE next month. I don't want to start down that scary, uncertain path, but if that's where I end up then I guess it's the best place for me (for us). I just feel so much pressure this time around because I figure this is our last hoorah, so speak; our last chance to try naturally.

I was watching a documentary last night about a woman who was 55 (DH 64) and pregnant with her first child after 12 years of trying and numerous failed IVF attempts. At first glance you have to admire this woman's tenacity; she never gave and finally after so many years was blessed with her storybook happy ending - a beautiful, healthy baby boy born free of any complications. Obviously, having a pregnancy later in life brings about potential health risks for both mother and baby, but both were fine and baby was perfect. Now, I am watching this and thinking, "well, if she got pregnant at 55 I guess I am looking pretty good over here;" My 28-year-old eggs > than her 55-year-old eggs. I thought, "well, if she succeeded after all that time there's gotta be hope for me, right? Right?!?!" Then the terror hit and I thought, "God, I hope DH and I aren't still sitting here childless in 12+ years with both our hope and bank account drained. Honestly, even the possibility of that outcome is absolutely terrifying to me! But this woman fought tooth and nail to finally see her dream of motherhood realized and who are we to begrudge her that?!

I continue to hope for our storybook ending...

Poll: OK, so I know I said there was no way I'm going to change my mind about testing before the holidays, but I'm curious, who thinks I should go ahead and test and who thinks it would be best to wait? Thoughts? Opinions? Anybody? I want to hear what YOU have to say...

In exactly one month from today I will attend my first RE appointment. Though I am hoping I won't have to go. I got a +OPK the other day (CD 26) and am about 5DPO now. I am trying to think positive and hope for the best, but I fear it didn't work. I am really worried about suffering such a disappoint so close to the holiday (a time that is already pretty difficult for me) and wondering how I'll be able to come back from it if the news is not what I so hope for. This is really not the time for me to fall into a depression. If I do turn out to be pregnant, it would truly be a Christmas miracle! Funny that I find myself in the same place as last year, hoping desperately for that miracle, that blessing. My husband provides me with everything my heart could desire, yet there is only one gift I want, the ultimate gift; sadly he has no control over when I will receive this gift.If you told me last year at this time, that i would be sitting in the same place a year later, I would have said you were nuts! I told DH the other day that the potential for let down is so much greater when you try to time everything perfectly and it STILL doesn't happen, as opposed to just going about it blindly and hoping for the best. When it doesn't work you wonder, "what's wrong with me?" "Could I have done something differently?" "Why didn't it work?" It makes me wonder, is it better not to know? I'm really worried that I will be spiraling into a depression soon. And I don't want DH to have to deal with picking up the shattered pieces, because I know this is hard for him, too. Maybe he doesn't express it like I do, but I know it is and I think I sometimes forget that. I'm always talking about "me," when this is a "we." 

I tell myself that if I have to go to the doctor so be it, that was just the path meant for me. I try to keep sight of my many blessings, and I am very thankful for what I have, I just can't help but think of that one missing piece to an almost perfect life. I wonder when we will be hanging a stocking for our child, when we will be buying him or her presents for under the tree, when we will be sneaking around in the middle of the night to play Santa. These are the moments I wait for, and yet I wonder when/if they will ever happen. We have so many nieces and nephews to buy for this Christmas, but when will it be our own? When will see the magic and wonder of the holidays as witnessed through the eyes of our own child?

The other day a woman said, "it is God's will to bless a couple with a child, he is the one who decides when/if this will happen." So going by that logic, is my decision to seek fertility treatments going against God's will or plan for me? Interestingly, I find that women who say this have no idea the pain of struggling for just ONE child. I find these comments insensitive, and they make my pain all the worse. Am I a bad person if God has yet to bless me with a child? No, I don't believe that. My husband and I have so much love in our hearts to give and I have no doubt we will be AWESOME parents!

So right now I sit hoping and praying that not only do I not see my period in two weeks time, I don't see it because I am pregnant! I am trying to stop myself from daydreaming yet I can't seem to help it. So many times I have thought about the moment that second line appears, and the moment we tell our loved ones; how happy they'll be. I believe having hope is a good thing, but at the same time I wonder the price for hopes that are too high? Will I come crashing down? I guess time will tell...





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What I am Thankful for...

Yes, I know I am a little late on this post, but with the holiday season upon us, I feel the need to take note of my many blessings in life:

 - Above all, I am thankful for my husband and almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together total), years that have been the happiest of my life. I am thankful to my husband for making so many of my dreams possible, he made me a wife, and with him, I hope to fulfill my ultimate dream of motherhood. I hope for many more happy years with my best friend by my side.

- I am thankful for our home; a home that we share filled with so much love. Last spring we embarked on the journey of buying our first home. In true fairytale fashion, we fell in love with the second home we saw and just knew it was the one for us. We had to have it! After going back and forth with the bank for what seemed like an eternity, we closed on the house in May, and finally moved in in late August. This Christmas is particularly special to us because it will be the first one spent in our new home. The house is small and cozy, with a very home-y feel and it is OURS. After 2 years of living with my grandmother after DH lost his job, it feels so good to be back on our feet and have something to call our own again. I will never again take for granted the luxury of having a place to "hang my hat." I like to think that out of every misfortune there is a lesson to be learned, the lesson here is to be thankful for what we do have in life, and to take stock of our many blessings, for each day is a gift. We rose from this setback, from one of the truly lowest points in our lives together as a couple, and look where we are now?! Homeowners!! I truly believe this house was meant for us. At one point in the journey we almost lost it to another couple, but at the last minute their offer fell through and the house was once again ours for the taking. Fate intervening, perhaps? I take it as further proof that this home was meant for us! We went through hell to get this house, it was definitely a time of both great excitement and great stress, but we did it! It has been a fixer-upper, but every project, every renovation, has been soooo worth it! This house has so much potential, and it has been a true joy making it our own. In a home already bursting with so much love, I truly cannot wait until we have a little one occupying the empty room we now call the nursery. I hope to someday very soon walk into that room and stare down not at an empty crib, but at a bundle of joy lying there fast asleep. I can totally see our children growing up in this house, in this nice neighborhood community; calling this home. I can hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and the sweet sound of a child's laughter. I hope that someday soon these things will be a reality, not just wishes and dreams residing in the spaces of my heart. 

- I am thankful for my education and the many doors it has opened for me, doors that I would not have access to otherwise. I am currently working on my Master's degree in mental health counseling. I am once again thankful for the opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and know that it is a true privilege being able to do so.

- I am  thankful for my two pugs, Zoe and Xander. More than mere dogs, these two are part of the family and always provide me with so much love and comfort. They are my babies, my "fur children," and in many ways they have helped to ease the pain of not yet having a child of our own. They love freely, unconditionally, and are accepting without judgment. They are always happy to see me, and are there to offer a lick or curl up in my lap or beside me on the couch when they sense I am feeling the pain of yet another BFN. While it is not the same as having a human child, they have helped to fill the empty space in my heart, and for that I will be forever grateful to them. I hope our children will have the privilege of growing up alongside these two great companions.

Lastly, I am thankful that if I must bear the burden of infertility, at least there are doctors out there that can help me (and women like me) achieve my dream of parenthood. I am grateful to have access to a wonderful RE that I will be going to in January. I am grateful that women today have these options, where years ago options for women struggling to conceive were quite limited. Thankfully today there is help, and most importantly, hope.

I know that for those of use living with infertility, it can be easy to lose sight of all the good things in our lives, especially around the holidays when it is all about children. I know that for me, I get so wrapped up in my quest to become a mom that I often forget about the many blessings I do have. I know the holidays can be incredibly difficult for those of us who are childless, but I also think it's important to put things in perspective and remember those things, even if small, that we are thankful for.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and wishing everyone a happy holiday season!