The beginnings of my journey with BC (and other stuff)

Well, yesterday I began my 2-month journey with birth control. I have mixed emotions about this. Hubby and I are not thrilled about losing out on 2 months of potential baby-making. The last time I was on BC I was 23, and I'm worried about possible side-effects. How ironic that from 19 to 23 I was using BC as a means to avoid pregnancy, and now at 27 (almost 28), I am using it in the hopes of eventually becoming pregnant. Oh, how far we've come. I wish there was another way to regulate my cycle, but apparently this is the only option. As my obgyn explained it, he is not able to give me anything for ovulation until my cycles have regulated. I keep trying to remind myself that it is (hopefully) only 2 months and that it will all be worth it in the long run. Hopefully these 2 months will be just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended), and we can then move on to something to induce ovulation. In the back of my mind, though, I still hear this voice of nagging doubt saying, ''what if it's a waste of time?" What if it doesn't work?" "What if there are side-effects or complications?" "What if it just isn't effective?"  If you are familiar with BC, than you know that the long list of side-effects can be pretty darn scary! I just keep telling myself that I was on it for 5 years and never had a problem, so hopefully there won't be any problem now. And besides, this is a very temporary situation. Those 2 months will fly by and then we can get into the real "meat" of helping me (us) get pregnant! I keep reminding myself that my doctor is doing this to help me in the long-run. And thankfully, I have a wonderful obgyn whom I trust and know has my best interest at heart. I couldn't ask for more.

I keep thinking how far I (we've) come in such a short time since this whole process began. I began this journey with fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Through it all, however, one constant has remained at the forefront - my dream of becoming a mother. That is what all of this has been for, and why I will continue this fight in pursuit of my (our) dream of parenthood. In my mind and heart there is no worthier cause. Feelings of fear and uncertainty have now been replaced by relief, joy, hope, and utter blessing (see previous blog). I find that now some of the resentment and bitterness I have felt towards mothers and pregnant women in general has dissipated somewhat. Yes, it still stings when I hear of a woman getting pregnant "just like that," or a teen getting pregnant from a drunken one-night-stand, etc., but the sting is not as bad or overpowering as before. For some women it seems that their husband can just look at them and they will find themselves "with child." I, unfortunately, do not seem to have that "problem." But boy would it be wonderful if I could just borrow even a third of their fertility. Many women take their reproductive anatomy for granted, because conceiving comes so easily for them that they don't have to give it much thought. But not me; no sir, no way. I am so blessed in the knowledge that my "lady parts" are in working order and that my reproductive anatomy is healthy. This fact alone gives me more hope and comfort than I can even begin to describe. I defy anyone to say that someone up there isn't looking out for us. I know that God is in our corner and that means the world to me! Hopefully we can take this as a sign that the "big guy" thinks we will be wonderful parents and hubby and I will be blessed soon. :)

And the blessings just keep coming! Hubby and I looked at houses over the weekend and found one we really love! We are in talks with the bank right now and if all goes well we will hopefully be calling this home! I am already thinking about how I want to decorate the baby's room. :) I can totally see my hubby and I starting/raising a family in this home. I can already hear our child laughing and playing there. One thing's for sure, I know that God has his hands on my (our) life, and that the desires of our heart(s) WILL happen in due time. I hope that in the next few months as I continue on my fertility journey, this blog will take on a much happier tone. :-)

The miracle of life is a beautiful thing...

A very dear friend of mine gave birth to two beautiful baby girls today. She struggled through years of infertility and is now blessed with not one, but two babies! She has endured things I couldn't imagine (and hope I don't have to). All the years of hard work, pain, and anguish have finally paid off, though, as she and her husband are now blessed with TWO precious miracle babies! I am being sincere when I say that words cannot adequately express how truly elated I am for her. It has been a long journey to get where she is today. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 8 months, but my process has only begun. I know it is nothing compared to all she has gone through. She has been a dear friend, and a great support during my own time of need. I mean what I say when I say that truly, no one deserves motherhood more than this woman.

So, is it bad to say that despite my overwhelming happiness and excitement for her, I feel a twinge of sadness for myself? This makes me feel like a bad person, and an even worse friend. I don't begrudge my friend one moment of the happiness that I know she fought so hard for; at the same time, though, that baby envy just has to rear its ugly head. I suppose it's only natural, and maybe I shouldn't beat myself up, but having these feelings makes me feel like a selfish prick. My happiness for my friend is completely genuine and comes from the depths of my heart. As any woman longing for a child, however, I can't help but ask myself, "when is it going to be my turn?" It was a long, hard battle, but my friend fought and won at the end of the day, so I will keep fighting for my dream of motherhood just the same. If nothing else she has set a truly great example for me. I have never seen someone with more perseverance, more determination, than her. No one deserves to hear the word "mom" more. I just continue to hope and pray that such a title is in my near future as well. :-)

Tis the season....whatever that means

Each time my husband and I "baby dance" I find it increasingly difficult to think, "this is it, this was the charm, it worked!" I've thought positively about it in months previous, felt sure that "this did the trick," but so far I always end up let down and hugely disappointed at the end of every month. I've tried over and over to have a "good vibe" about it, but overall I just...don't. The first month I was optimistic, the second month, still so. The third month, that optimism began to wan, and now in month six it is virtually non-existent. I wonder if all this negativity is somehow contributing to my inability to get pregnant? Is the stress, anxiety, and constant worry creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts? Am I receiving one gut-wrenching disappointment after another because in my heart of hearts, that is what I expect? Am I putting too much pressure on myself and thus setting myself up for disappointment and heartache? I would venture that the answer to all of the above is a resounding YES! But how do I ignore the voices in my head that tell me I am a disappointment to my husband, a failure as a woman? Oh, how I wish I could just tell those nasty little voices to shove it!

I think I react extremely sensitively to my fertility issues. I know that it is difficult for every woman, but for me I believe it may be somewhat more so. You see, I was born with a condition called cerebral palsy (CP) . For the most part, I am no different than any other 27-year-old young woman, having lead a remarkably "normal" life despite my disability. My degree of CP affects my lower extremities, leaving my leg muscles weakened and atrophied. Due to this I am unable to keep balance or walk on my own without the aid of an ambulatory device. I use a walker or canes to get around, a wheelchair for long distances. I also wear leg braces (AFOs) which provide me added support when walking. For the most part, I engage in the same types of activities that any woman my age would, and I have never let my disability hold me back from pursuing any dream. I am happily married and pursuing a graduate degree in the field of mental health counseling.

What does all this have to do with my fertility you may ask? Well, if you've been paying attention to this blog than you know I am also pursuing another dream. You see, despite my relative independence and "well-ajustedness," the fact remains that there are still things I just can't do on my own; try as I may there will always be certain things I will need help or assistance with whether I like it or not. It has been this way for 27 years, and I suspect it will continue this way for the rest of my life. The fact is that I have always had to try a little bit harder, and struggle just a little more to achieve what everyone else has; this is just my cross to bear. It seems as though nothing has ever been outright "easy" for me. Others take their achievements for granted; as for me, I have had to strive and work that much harder to achieve the simplest  of goals. I was really hoping, though, that one goal would turn out much differently - pregnancy. Like most women, I comforted myself with the assurance that it would happen right away; that unlike everything else in my life, getting pregnant would be a breeze, no problem at all. Somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew better, but chose to ignore those nagging voices. Now, 6 months into our conception journey I am forced to ask the question, "will I need assistance getting pregnant, too? I am forced to admit that it's a very real possibility, and it sucks because I was really hoping that pregnancy would be the one thing I could truly achieve on my own (well, of course, my husband plays a vital role, but you know what I mean). I was really hoping this would be something I could achieve without having to rely or depend on anyone else. And if I am unable to get pregnant without assistance (which I understand at this point is still an IF) does this mean my body has failed me again? Does this mean there is another part of me that just doesn't work like it should? Understand that I am not normally one to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time I think it's only natural that I would have these feelings. It would be remiss of me not to bring up my disability in this blog, when, in truth, it does inform so much of the young woman I am, and will in turn inform who I become as a mother. Please understand, however, that inform is not the same as define, for my disability has never done that.

The odds have been stacked against me my entire life; but also true, I have defied those odds time and again only to come back stronger. The question now is, will I do the same with pregnancy and motherhood? I tell myself that I will climb whatever obstacle necessary, that I will do whatever I have to in order to achieve my dream of motherhood.

I am reminded of a personal heroine of mine: Buffy Summers from the television series 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' Now I know that based on the title it seems kind of silly, but don't laugh quite yet. You see, like me, Buffy is somewhat different, yet she longs for that "normal" existence every young woman but her seems to have. Despite the presence of many obstacles in her path, she rises against them to continue fighting another day. Buffy faces daily demons, monsters, and whatever creatures hell decides to throw at her. Not so different from Buffy, I too must face a daily onslaught of personal demons; of constant doubts and whispered fears. Buffy is a woman who defies the odds and beats them back, and so I will do the same.

While it may seem that I am feeling sorry for myself, I am actually using this holiday season to take stock of my many blessings. Despite months of setbacks, disappointments, and heartaches, I know that I still have a great deal to be thankful for. That said, I will eat, drink (because, sadly there's no reason I can't), and be merry. I will use this time to reconnect with my husband and the rest of my family.

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Just A Little Bit of History Repeating?

When we began trying to get pregnant I suspected I would have trouble, well even before that really; when having a baby and being a mother was nothing more than just a thought in my head and a hope on my heart. When my mom got pregnant with me she was in her early twenties and had no trouble at all. With my brother, however, it was an entirely different story. You see, the second time around my mother was diagnosed with what the medical profession so aptly refers to as, "secondary infertility." My mom was 35-years-old when she finally became pregnant with my brother, hence the vast age difference between us; I am 27, my brother, 16. I remember the day my mom found out she was pregnant; she burst through the door, got up on the couch and started jumping up and down exclaiming, "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!! I was happy for her, of course, but my then 10-year-old mind could not fully grasp what it all meant. How ironic, that now, so many years later, I finally get why my mom was so happy that day. I truly understand now because I know that this is exactly how I would react and how I would feel if I found out today that I am pregnant; over the moon with happiness and crying tears of joy just as my mother was. When I was little I used to say to my mom that I feared the dog was the only sibling I would ever have. Insensitive yes, and certainly not one of my finest moments, but in my defense I was a little girl who had no understanding of the years of infertility my mom had been struggling through. Could it be that karma has now come back to bite me in the ass? What I know of my mom's fertility issues is that she had multiple cysts on her ovaries (PCOS perhaps?) which the doctors "shrunk" to help her get pregnant. I'm sure it was all much more complicated than this, but I suspect my mother was "dumbing it down" for my 10-year-old brain at the time. And, quite possibly, it was just too painful for her to talk about. I think I get that now. I need to find what my mother went through because I suspect genetics may play a role in my own fertility issues.

Next month I will be going to the doctor and they will begin running tests, etc., in hopes of sorting out why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I am conflicted because I am scared but at the same time, I have been without answers for so long that it will be nice to FINALLY have some. I want to know what is going on with my body. I want to know so that we can tackle whatever the issue is head on, because anything worth having is worth fighting for and I will fight. I am not prepared to give up on my dream of motherhood, nor will I. My husband and I are in this together and we will fight together. I can't even begin to put into words what a comfort it is knowing he is at my side through all of this; that we are both fighting for the same dream. I believe that the journey to parenthood doesn't just begin with pregnancy, it begins even before that, with the journey to conception. And so I will do whatever necessary to ensure our future child makes it to us one way or another. We have not yet met our child, but I know he or she is waiting for us. For now, though, he/she will remain a dream and a hope in our hearts.

As I go through this uncertain time, I will think of my mother for inspiration. After struggling through years of infertility she got her miracle baby, and so I have to believe that eventually the same will happen for me  (although, hopefully we can skip skip the years part?). My mom persevered and never gave up hope,  so I will just have to take a cue from her and do the same. She made it through the darkness and the anguish;  the, at times, all-consuming grief, and so will I. I am a young woman who has defied the odds from the time I was born, so why should now be any different? I would like to think I'm stronger than I often give myself credit for.

Visions of the Future

Why must I continuously torture myself? I am not even pregnant yet and I find myself imagining daily what the nursery will look like, how I will decorate it, etc. I become lost in thought for hours, obsessing over every minute detail. My husband tells me that when we buy our house I am free to go ahead and decorate the room that will be the baby's nursery even if I am not pregnant by then (which I hope and pray I will be). If I chose to go ahead with that plan, I would of course decorate using neutral colors that would work for boy or girl. So, I have spent literally hours scouring the internet for neutral colors and nursery themes. On the one hand, this makes me happy and give me an incredible sense of hope for the future; on the other, it is incredibly painful and makes my heart ache all the more. Does this make me a masochist?

I have been grappling with whether or not decorating a nursery would be a good idea. Would I really be able to handle walking by an empty room everyday? And what if (God forbid) it takes me YEARS to conceive, would my heart be able to take it? Again, it would bring an incredible sense of hope, but that hope would not come without incredible pain. Would I be able to take the constant reminder of what my husband and I are missing from our lives? Would it be worth it? I am not yet decided, guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

Holiday Blues

There is something so depressing about the holidays when you are childless. All around me I see couples with their children and it is really getting me down. This Christmas marks the first in our conception journey, I can't help but wonder, however, will this be the first of many childless holiday celebrations for my husband and I? Boy I hope not! I was optimistic in the beginning; praying, hoping, dreaming, that I would be pregnant by the holidays, but now as Christmas looms ahead, it seems clear that is not going to be my reality, at least not this time around. I remember when I was a little girl the holidays used to be such a magical time for me, now I long to see the magic of the holidays in the eyes of my own child, but silently I wonder, "will I?"

Why is it that when you are TTC you believe that you will be pregnant for every special event or holiday? You get your hopes up and they are inevitably let down. Is life really that cruel? I thought I was going  to be pregnant earlier this month when my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I prayed I would have some good news to share with him, I tried to have a good feeling about it. But then I took the test and once again, BFN, just one damn line! I called him at work to deliver the not-so-good news, he tried to be strong, supportive, and encouraging as always, but behind the words I could sense he was as disappointed as I was. After talking with him few a few, I hung up the phone and just broke down. The thing that makes me really angry is that although I expect a BFN each month, it still hits me like a ton of bricks when I see it. I know it's coming, and yet it tears me apart every time. I guess that's because each month I have that pesky glimmer of hope that maybe, just MAYBE, this will FINALLY be the month. It never is of course, not so far anyway. But try as I might I can't seem to shake that one shred of hope that keeps hanging on for dear life, so I guess that's why it hurts so much. Either I am an incurable optimist or just glutton-for-punishment, I haven't decided yet.

Who knows, maybe 2011 will be the year! Maybe this will be the year I FINALLY see my greatest dream realized - MOTHERHOOD!!! Score one for the incurable optimist side. :)

Don't Mess with Mother Nature...

From the time I was little I knew with certainty that the one thing in life I most wanted to be was a mother. I've had other dreams sure, but this is the one that has been a true constant in my life. When we are  little girls playing with our dollies, we never think of any alternative, it never enters our minds that mother nature could one day be so cruel. It is what we are designed for after all, right? So how could it possibly go any way other than the perfect dream we expect, the one we have anticipated all of out lives? Flash forward several years later and - WRONG! If I didn't want it so bad, I suppose 6 months of BFN's wouldn't hurt so much. But with each passing month, with each passing single line, it feels like my heart is getting ripped from my chest. Month after month has felt like a defeat, it is hard to even enjoy sex anymore and that is sad. It's tragic when sex begins to feel more like a chore for procreation's sake, but how do you avoid falling into that trap? I love my husband very much, and I love that we are trying desperately to make one perfect, single being out of the love we share for one another, but as the months zoom by it becomes more and more difficult to enjoy sex when I am consumed with anxieties and worries over having not yet conceived, thinking, "what is wrong with me?!"

It really hurts to long for something so much, to have such a desire placed on your heart and yet have no control over when or IF it happens. Scary stuff. The point I'm trying to make here is that whether it has been 6 months or 6 years, that longing for a child is the same in all of us.With each passing BFN I feel as though I am mourning the loss of a child that doesn't even exist yet. I know many people hearing that would probably think I'm crazy, but I also know that to other women out there longing for a baby it makes perfect sense, and so that provides me at least a little comfort. You might say that is the purpose of this blog, to express my own feelings and hopefully connect with other women in the process. I need to know that I am not alone in this, I need to know there are others in the same boat, so, if you're out there, throw me a life raft...

6 months/Introductions

To anyone reading this, it is probably fairly obvious from the title what this blog will consist of. Yep, you guessed it, this is another one of "those" blogs. This blog will be a space for me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings as they pertain to motherhood, or, more accurately, the journey towards getting there. Nope, I have not yet reached the holy grail, nor have I seen the promised land. 6 months and lots of sex later, and still nothing to show for it. Now, I know what many of you ladies out there must be thinking, "it has only been 6 months, what are you whining about?" I know that for many of you struggling through years and years of infertility, 6 months must seem like a cake walk; for me, however, 6 months is a big deal.

Let me start with a little back story, if I may. I am 27 and my husband is 30. We are just shy of our two year anniversary. We made the decision 6 months ago to begin trying for a family. Now understand that for me especially, this longing to be a mother has been present for years. My husband and I knew even when we were dating that we wanted to be parents, we were trying to wait, though, until we were financially stable before beginning that journey. Well 6 months ago and after years of waiting, that glorious opportunity finally presented itself. Everything is not "perfect" but then, is there such a thing? We decided we didn't want to put off the dream of parenthood any longer, so we began TTC. I have always had that longing to be a mother, the only difference now is that it has majorly intensified over the last 6 months. I thought, "FINALLY, I am going to see a dream revealed!" Because ya know, every couple is optimistic in the beginning and thinks it will happen right away. Yet, here I sit 6 months down the line, pouring my heart out in this blog instead...