Well, the previous cycle was once again a bust. Though there is a silver lining I suppose (if there is one I will always find it). For ONCE, I was free and clear of cysts (not counting, of course, the ever present and annoying paratubal on left FT), and was given the go-ahead to begin my 4th round of Clomid 50mg. since we began treatment I have been in the one month on one month off pattern due to nasty cysts developing on my left ovary. Until now I have NEVER done two consecutive rounds of Clomid. Will this increase our chances? Will it make a difference? And so once again we find ourselves in the midst of that ever-persistent phenomenon known as hope. Following the disappointment of a failed cycle I swear to myself that I will never hope again; yet, without fail, I always find myself right back in the same place again; clinging to hope and daring to dream. I"ve no doubt many can relate to what I'm saying here. With each new cycle I think, "this will be the one...this is it." Only to have my positivity rewarded by the crushing weight of failure. I had the highest serum progesterone level I had ever had last cycle -26 to be exact. I took this as a promising sign but alas, it was not meant to be. They did an antral follicle count today at my ultrasound. I think they counted about 16 in each ovary. Are these good numbers? I really don't know much about the indications of antral follicle counts...

We also discussed the possibility of moving on to injectables soon. DH and I decided that because it is cheaper, we will finish out the remaining 3 rounds of Clomid and then move onto injectables if need be. We may not need them, but something tells me we probably will end up going that route. They are so expensive, though and we need to figure out how we will afford the cost and for how many rounds. I believe our clinic offers some financial assistance which we also need to inquire about. Injectables also means production of more eggs which means a greater chance of multiple pregnancy than with Clomid. Personally, I think twins would be awesome...a boy and a girl would be perfect! Anything beyond that, though, and I start to get a little scared. Whatever we end up with though is how it was meant to be and we would feel so blessed to have multiples! I am not picky though and would be happy with just one at a time if that's what's in the stars for us! For those who have done injectable meds, what is the average of eggs produced? Or does it depend on the woman? Also, is IUI with injections more successful than IUI with Clomid alone? We haven't done one yet but the nurse mentioned possibly trying one when we make the switch to injections. So far the IUI with Clomid has not been recommended and I wondered if the reasoning had anything to do with greater success rate using injections. I would think more eggs means increased chance of fertilization.  Luckily, we have a few months to really think this over and prepare ourselves both financially and emotionally for the looming transition that awaits our future.  Until then, I will continue to stand up; embrace hope; and try, try again.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Yep, this is the story of my life. Not only did the previous cycle of Clomid result in a BFN (as if that isn't bad enough, right?), my current cycle has once again been postponed due to a large cyst on my left ovary. Gee, anyone else feeling deja vu here? So, I got to get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive for an hour to have a minute ultrasound and then hear that there would be no medicated cycle this month. JOY! You know, this one month on one month off nonsense is getting really old. It is just making this whole process take that much longer. How are we ever supposed to get anywhere when it feels like starting from scratch each time? SO FRUSTRATING! I am tired of the disappointment, Why must my ovaries rebel against me? And it always seems to be the left one, too. The right on is too stupid to respond and just sits there doing nothing. Would we have better luck if we moved to injectables or would I still be prone to cysts? My RE has not suggested this but I think we should be our own advocates. After all, who cares more than the couple going through it? My RE was in the room for literally a minute, long enough to do the transvaginal, showed me the cyst, told me my cycle was canned and then left. No sorry, no nothing. I know it's more important to have an RE who can do his job and actually succeed in getting us pregnant, but geez, a little compassion would be nice, don't ya think?!

And to further rub salt in an already festering wound, I found out yesterday that an acquaintance is now 5 weeks pregnant after only one month of marriage. Yep, ONE MONTH! Gee, perfect timing! Must have been all that newlywed sex. I don't even think they were trying and then BAM! She once said to me that she feared she would have trouble conceiving as well  Yeah..my ass! She's already asking where to get maternity clothes. REALLY?! She's only 5 weeks! So I did what any self-respecting IF-er would do and blocked her shit from my FB newsfeed. Sorry, if that makes me a bitch or whatever but I just can't deal, especially on the heels of yet another disappointment...and one that is so fresh. I have to do what is best for my own mental health and sanity. I may not be able to "block" some of the clients I work with, but I can sure as hell block someone's garbage from appearing on my FB page.

Oh, and did I mention that June 14th marks two years in the TTC game for us? Not really an anniversary I had hoped to celebrate. See, this whole thing has turned me into a bitter, seething-with-resentment-mess. I'm so ashamed. I swear I am usually a nice person. How do you ladies cope? Any advice?

They always give the spiel about trying on our own on a non-medicated cycle, but c'mon, let's be real here. Without Clomid I don't O which means zero chance of pregnancy, which means no period, which then leads to 10 days of Provera to bring it on. We will DTD, of course, and hope for the best, but really it is just another wasted month in a long and endless process. And the best part is if I haven't gotten a period by July, 11th (CD35) which I won't; I get to take an HPT anyway. Wonderful! 

Another year older and nothing to show for it

I wish I could say that a lot has happened since I last updated, but sadly, not so much. It feels as though we are stuck in some sort of holding pattern with not much going on at all. One thing that did happen? I got a year older this week. That's right, the big 2-9! I was 27 when we first started out on this TTC journey. Now two years in and I am really starting to panic! The bio clock is ticking louder and louder!

For those who don't know, my second cycle of clomid was postponed due to a cyst found on my ovary at ultrasound. I, of course, freaked out and started crying right there in the ultrasound room, both out of fear and frustration. We were told that it looked to be either a para ovarian or para tubal cyst. Para I guess meaning that instead of growing on the actual ovary or FT it grows next to. Has anyone had experience with these type of cysts while using clomid? I was told that this was probably nothing to worry about, especially since it wasn't there previously and that it would likely dissolve on its own. I asked if this was because of the clomid, and the response was it could be but they couldn't say for sure. I, of course, continued to worry (and have since). I called my clinic two days after my appt and left a message with the IF nurse asking if the RE had had a chance to look over the images and what his thoughts were (I saw another RE the day of my appt, so naturally, I wanted MY doctor's opinion). IF nurse called back a few hours later and said, again, that she didn't think it was anything to be overly concerned about, and that she would go over it with him when he was in clinic on Friday. She called back Friday morning saying that he stressed I should try not to worry about it and that we would just see if it has dissolved at my next ultrasound. I asked, "so, we think its a cyst?", to which the IF nurse replied, "that's what we think it looks like." Uh, I'm sorry, what? That's what you THINK it is? Why an I not comforted by that statement? Maybe I'm just overreacting...

Anyway, we were encouraged to go ahead and try naturally the month of April. I was instructed that if AF hasn't arrived by the 19th (CD35), I am to take an HPT (oh, fun!). If BFN (which is exactly what I'm expecting), I"m supposed to notify the clinic and they will get me started on provera to get my period going. And then we get to start the whole process alllllllllllll over again. I just really hope the cyst is gone. I will positively freak if it's not! I talked to few ladies I know who had been on clomid but they said it never caused cysts for them (cue panic!). Then, I consult Dr. Google and see that many women have developed cysts as a response to clomid. I don't know what to believe! I just know that I never had cysts previously and all the sudden there is a giant one on my left ovary!

I would love to believe that this was our month, our miracle, but after nearly two years of trying au naturale, I honestly don't feel hopeful that we will get pregnant without assistance. I want to believe, and I do have that bit of nagging hope that always hangs around, but despite that I don't feel very positive. And in spite of this, I will still cry and be an emotional wreck when that BFN comes around. Oh, and did I also mention that they day I am slated to take an HPT happens to be the day before DH's 32nd birthday? Yeah, is that lousy timing or what?! I am really dreading it. But boy would I love being able to surprise him with the ultimate gift on his birthday! Guess a girl can dream. I sometimes fear that's all we'll ever have - dreams, hopes, and fantasies instead of reality.

At least I have a lot of other life stuff going on to help keep my mind off things somewhat. I finished fall semester yesterday (hence me actually finding time to update this blog) and will be beginning my internship on May 7th! So, it looks I will stay pretty busy and occupied this summer. We are hosting a joint birthday party here at the house for hubby and I tomorrow night, so that will be a fun gathering. And speaking of our house, I now have a shiny new deck upon which to cry all my IF tears. DH and BIL did such an excellent job building it. It looks amazing and I love it!

The patio furniture is from the Martha Stewart collection (Home Depot) and the chairs are uber comfy (there are other pieces we plan to add later). We have had a lot of fun out there and we grill all the time now. It seems to be a big hit when family and friends come to visit, and is certainly my new favorite hangout spot!

Just A Little Bit of History Repeating?

When we began trying to get pregnant I suspected I would have trouble, well even before that really; when having a baby and being a mother was nothing more than just a thought in my head and a hope on my heart. When my mom got pregnant with me she was in her early twenties and had no trouble at all. With my brother, however, it was an entirely different story. You see, the second time around my mother was diagnosed with what the medical profession so aptly refers to as, "secondary infertility." My mom was 35-years-old when she finally became pregnant with my brother, hence the vast age difference between us; I am 27, my brother, 16. I remember the day my mom found out she was pregnant; she burst through the door, got up on the couch and started jumping up and down exclaiming, "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!! I was happy for her, of course, but my then 10-year-old mind could not fully grasp what it all meant. How ironic, that now, so many years later, I finally get why my mom was so happy that day. I truly understand now because I know that this is exactly how I would react and how I would feel if I found out today that I am pregnant; over the moon with happiness and crying tears of joy just as my mother was. When I was little I used to say to my mom that I feared the dog was the only sibling I would ever have. Insensitive yes, and certainly not one of my finest moments, but in my defense I was a little girl who had no understanding of the years of infertility my mom had been struggling through. Could it be that karma has now come back to bite me in the ass? What I know of my mom's fertility issues is that she had multiple cysts on her ovaries (PCOS perhaps?) which the doctors "shrunk" to help her get pregnant. I'm sure it was all much more complicated than this, but I suspect my mother was "dumbing it down" for my 10-year-old brain at the time. And, quite possibly, it was just too painful for her to talk about. I think I get that now. I need to find what my mother went through because I suspect genetics may play a role in my own fertility issues.

Next month I will be going to the doctor and they will begin running tests, etc., in hopes of sorting out why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I am conflicted because I am scared but at the same time, I have been without answers for so long that it will be nice to FINALLY have some. I want to know what is going on with my body. I want to know so that we can tackle whatever the issue is head on, because anything worth having is worth fighting for and I will fight. I am not prepared to give up on my dream of motherhood, nor will I. My husband and I are in this together and we will fight together. I can't even begin to put into words what a comfort it is knowing he is at my side through all of this; that we are both fighting for the same dream. I believe that the journey to parenthood doesn't just begin with pregnancy, it begins even before that, with the journey to conception. And so I will do whatever necessary to ensure our future child makes it to us one way or another. We have not yet met our child, but I know he or she is waiting for us. For now, though, he/she will remain a dream and a hope in our hearts.

As I go through this uncertain time, I will think of my mother for inspiration. After struggling through years of infertility she got her miracle baby, and so I have to believe that eventually the same will happen for me  (although, hopefully we can skip skip the years part?). My mom persevered and never gave up hope,  so I will just have to take a cue from her and do the same. She made it through the darkness and the anguish;  the, at times, all-consuming grief, and so will I. I am a young woman who has defied the odds from the time I was born, so why should now be any different? I would like to think I'm stronger than I often give myself credit for.