Finally getting somewhere!

AF finally arrived in full-force Friday (after a few days of spotting). Headed to the RE for another transvaginal Monday afternoon before beginning Clomid 50mg on Tuesday. I'm trying not to think about having a transvaginal while on my period, gross!

Question to all Provera ladies...

For those of you who have taken Provera to induce a period before beginning Clomid, how long did you have to wait for AF to arrive? I have read various things online so I assume it is different for every person. Anyways, I just finished my last Provera yesterday and was just curious about how long I'll be waiting out the witches arrival! Very anxious to move on to this next step! Geez, never thought I'd be happy to have AF show, what bizzarro world is this?!?!

Thanks for the feedback ladies!

*Edit* Apparently anywhere from 3-5 days is the norm, but I was hoping for a lot sooner...like today! Nothing so far. :/

Sometimes a bit of good news goes a looooooooong way!

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, my hubby got the results of his semen analysis back and sperm count, everything, was off the charts - 420 million to be exact! I wasn't aware a man could even produce that much sperm but apparently my husband does! The term for a very high sperm count is Polyzoospermia,  but the nurse assured us that because he maxed out the charts on morphology, motility (85%), etc.,all is fine. I am sure we will talk about it more in depth with the doctor at my next appointment.

So, it's good to know that we are now dealing with only one half of a "fertily challenged" couple. I am absolutely thrilled for my husband and for us, but at the same time I feel kind of sad, because now I know if it wasn't for me being "broken," he probably could have became a father long ago. My husband's troopers top the charts and that is wonderful (and also strangely a turn on), but we are still dealing with my retarded ovaries that just can't seem to function properly.

But it's OK, because we hopefully well on our way to getting them in ship shape! I have to finish out my Provera then as soon as I start my period I period I have to call and make an appointment (prior to cycle day 5) to come in for another transvaginal (have i mentioned how much I hate those?), and then we will start our first cycle of Clomid with 50mg. Never thought I'd be so anxious for AF to arrive! Let's get with the baby-making already! :)

8 DPO

So I estimate that I am approximately 8 DPO now. So far nothing in the way of symptoms other than the normal AF-type cramps. I am really starting to lose hope. Dr. Google is pretty much my worst enemy at this point. I read about so many women claiming to have symptoms 3-4DPO and here I am 8DPO with nada! Other than the on-off AF cramps, I am completely bone dry "down there" (sorry TMI), no CM whatsoever! Further evidence that we are likely out this month. I can try to deny it all I want, but I see this ending in one of three possible ways: 1) AF arrives before I even have a chance to test. 2) AF doesn't arrive but BFN. And finally, the last option and the one I am most hoping for, 3) AF doesn't arrive BFP! Anyone who has followed my blog at all knows it is not uncommon for me to miss periods (sometimes months at a time, thanks PCOS), but I want to miss a period because I'm actually pregnant. In the Past when I have missed a period, I always get my hopes up and start thinking, just maybe...which inevitably leads to the heartbreak of a BFN. No, if I'm not pregnant I would rather AF go ahead and show her ugly face, otherwise it is a sick, twisted, cruel joke that the universe is playing at my expense.

I don't know how I am going to wait 2+ weeks to finally test. Yeah, I know I could test in a few days, but I have made a decision to wait until after the holidays have passed. The last thing I need is to be depressed on Christmas. So unless I really start developing symptoms I don't see that changing. I am ashamed to admit that I am the woman who continually touches her boobs during the 2WW to see if they are getting sore - so far nothing. :(  I just really hate this. There is so much riding on this because I reeeeeallly don't want to go to that RE next month. I don't want to start down that scary, uncertain path, but if that's where I end up then I guess it's the best place for me (for us). I just feel so much pressure this time around because I figure this is our last hoorah, so speak; our last chance to try naturally.

I was watching a documentary last night about a woman who was 55 (DH 64) and pregnant with her first child after 12 years of trying and numerous failed IVF attempts. At first glance you have to admire this woman's tenacity; she never gave and finally after so many years was blessed with her storybook happy ending - a beautiful, healthy baby boy born free of any complications. Obviously, having a pregnancy later in life brings about potential health risks for both mother and baby, but both were fine and baby was perfect. Now, I am watching this and thinking, "well, if she got pregnant at 55 I guess I am looking pretty good over here;" My 28-year-old eggs > than her 55-year-old eggs. I thought, "well, if she succeeded after all that time there's gotta be hope for me, right? Right?!?!" Then the terror hit and I thought, "God, I hope DH and I aren't still sitting here childless in 12+ years with both our hope and bank account drained. Honestly, even the possibility of that outcome is absolutely terrifying to me! But this woman fought tooth and nail to finally see her dream of motherhood realized and who are we to begrudge her that?!

I continue to hope for our storybook ending...

Poll: OK, so I know I said there was no way I'm going to change my mind about testing before the holidays, but I'm curious, who thinks I should go ahead and test and who thinks it would be best to wait? Thoughts? Opinions? Anybody? I want to hear what YOU have to say...

Reflections

I am having a period from hell. If ever I needed it rubbed in my face that I am indeed NOT pregnant, this would definitely do the trick. The flow is really heavy and the cramps are terrible; guess that D&C I had back in January did not do anything to make my periods lighter like Dr. C said it may. It's weird to think about my period, and what it really represents to me as a woman. I have life flowing out of me; not just my own life, but  the ability to give and create it; and the power to sustain it. Many women do not consider their periods more than an inconvenience; but when you are a woman TTC, you'd be surprised what things take on new meaning and symbolism. It's like I feel connected to the world, to the Earth, to life. And with that connection comes the promise of new hope, new possibility, a new future. Yeah...I am in a strange mood today...

45 Days...

Okay, so this cycle turned out to be 45 days long (previous one, with BCP, was 35 days). I know a 45 day cycle is still out of the realm of normal, but considering I've had a 160 day cycle before, I think 45 days is doing pretty good! And, this is my first "all natural" cycle since going off BCP. I have only been on the Met for a month, so I need to give it some time. Right now, I am pleased as punch just to be responding to it at all. It's nice to feel like a woman again. :)

Good News and Bad...

 The bad news, what I thought (hoped) was implantation bleeding was definitely NOT implantation bleeding. Nope, AF is here and has settled in for a nice week-long stay. I can't say I'm surprised by this, nor am I really all that upset. In a way it's good news because this is my first natural cycle since going off the 3-month round of BCP. Speaking as a woman who tends to go months without a period, I think this is definitely something to be excited about. Maybe the 3-months of BCP and the Met are doing the trick to get my body regulated and doing what it's supposed to do; this is only a good thing. If we can get my cycles regulated, then I can O more regularly and therefore have a better chance of getting pregnant. So we missed the mark this time, at least we know that I definitely did O. We'll just have to wait AF out and then start fresh next cycle, with renewed hope. And it will be even better because next cycle we will be all settled in to our home. Less stress = greater chance of getting pregnant. Yes, I will have classes to contend with but I will manage. So, despite feeling a little disappointment today, I really am optimistic about the future. It's so wonderful to feel like my body isn't a failure.

P.S. Update on the house: Painters are there today through Friday, carpet is getting installed Monday. We can start moving things in any time after Monday. Sooooooo excited! Can you tell? :D

A Series of Fortunate, Unfortunate, Events

Over the past few days I have sat down to write several blogs and for some reason just stopped. I'm not sure why, guess I just haven't had much to say.

This past weekend was a rough one. Well, actually, it started on Thursday when my grandmother and I got into it. The previous night at dinner she upset both DH and I. She kept going on and on about how we should use the nursery as storage since we won't be having a baby anytime soon (she doesn't know we're trying). We kept telling her that no, that is the nursery and we don't want anything else going in there. Well, she was relentless and wouldn't let up, she just kept pushing, so finally we just had to walk away. I stewed about the things she said all night, losing sleep over them. I was so upset and hurt by her words that I cried. The next day I hadn't planned on bringing it up, but I ended up confronting her. I basically told her that it is hard being a married couple and living here in her home. I told her that I felt she was nosy, meddlesome, intrusive, constantly in our business and questioning our decisions/choices, and that we have no privacy. I told her that what we decide to do in our own home is our business and doesn't concern anybody else. I told her that she needs to keep her opinions to herself at times and think before she speaks. She didn't like this and some hurtful things were said on her part, which I will not be sharing here. My grandmother is a very opinionated woman. She thinks her way is the only way, and that everyone else doesn't know what they're doing. Why would we use the nursery for storage when we have already painted the walls? When we have already bought a crib (she doesn't know that)? The point is that people shouldn't assume they know what's going on in other people's lives. Her saying those things about the nursery and about us not having a baby in the future was very hurtful to me. Here I am in my 2WW, waiting to find out if I am pregnant and she says the most insensitive thing possible. I didn't take it well. I feel like she doesn't even want us to have children and that really hurts. What does she expect us to do, wait until we're in our 40s and all my eggs have dried up? I am already having trouble getting pregnant so no thank you! I know you can make the argument that she doesn't even know we're trying so how can she be held accountable for the things she said? Well, that's the thing, she has no right to make assumptions regarding such a personal and intimate matter between a husband and wife. And that's exactly why we haven't told her because we don't think she'll take it well.  And given her reaction, we have every reason now to believe that is the truth. And yes, I believe it is hard to be a married couple living with any family member; there is bound to be some head-butting, but especially with a grandmother who is veeeery set in her ways and thinks she knows all. Yes, she gave us a place to come when DH lost his job. Being here allowed us to get back on our feet and start saving for a house. I am appreciative and deeply grateful for that, but at some point enough is enough. I really don't know how we have survived in this house for the past 2 years. I just think we have been here long enough and it's time to get back in our own space and back to the way things were. I just hope my relationship with my grandmother can be repaired after all this...

But don't worry, this story has a happy ending. So, Friday I ended up spending the day with my mom (I just couldn't bear to spend another second in the house with my grandmother). I ended up telling my mom that we have been trying for a baby for a while and she started crying. She said that if we want a family she gives her full support and that she thinks we will be wonderful parents. As I have mentioned previously in my blog, my mom also suffered with infertility and had to use meds to help her get pregnant. So, she understands what I'm going through and said she would be here anytime I needed her. Though, she was also saddened to hear that I am suffering a similar fate. I think that's why I put off telling her for so long, because I didn't want her to be sad for me. I'm not sure why my grandmother would begrudge us the right to have a family; DH has a great job, we are financially stable, we just bought our first home, I am in grad school, and we certainly aren't kids anymore. Whatever the reason, I at least know that I have my mother's support and that means the world to me. So see, something good did come out out of something bad. Had this not happened, my mother probably still wouldn't know.

On the 2WW front there is not much to report. My breasts (nipple area) felt sensitive for a couple of days, but that seems to have gone away now. Who knows, maybe I was just imagining it in the first place. When you want something so badly your mind can play tricks on you. I've certainly been there before. Yesterday, I saw the faintest hint of pink on the TP. I wouldn't have even noticed it if I hadn't been looking. I didn't see anything else all day yesterday and then today I saw it again this morning except that it was brown (sorry TMI). Nothing again so far. I would like to believe it is implantation bleeding, but something tells me it is probably just my period about to start; especially since I tend to start out spotting anyway, and I have been a little crampy and just generally feeling like AF is on her way. I guess we will just have to wait and see...

As for progress on the house, painters are coming in tomorrow, we can hopefully get the carpet installed Saturday, and hopefully start moving things in as early as Sunday. Which means, we can be moved in as soon as two weeks from now. Hooray!

As a side note, classes start back in less than a month so I may be blogging less frequently. Take care and hope everyone has a great week!

She's Here (and in Full Force)!

This is probably the only time you will hear me say this, but I'm glad AF is here; because the sooner she goes, the sooner I can start my meds. Yay! Last night, despite my stomach discomfort and lower back pain, I was happy because I took my last BCP and then tossed the pack in the garbage. Yes! Hopefully no more BCPs for me for a good long while! This period marks the beginning of the next phase in our journey, a new chapter, a new beginning, and hopefully a much happier one. :)

Much like my fertility, things with the house are progressing slowly; and, much like my quest to become pregnant, it is frustrating to say the least...

Just a short update for now, be back with more later this week. :)