Everything is a wait and see...

Feeling icky today. Would morning sickness start this early? Yeah, didn't think so...

As of yesterday (CD14), still no +opk. I'm really starting to get discouraged at this point that the clomid didn't work. :( On the other hand, maybe the opks I bought are just duds and the blood test will confirm that I did in fact O! :) we'll just have to wait and see, cause everything is a wait and see...sigh.

Big fat goose egg!

Took an opk about an hour ago and was really surprised when it came up negative (barely a line at all). I'm going to test again in a few hours. Hopefully next time will be the charm! Trying not to get too discouraged by it, but I though for sure it would be +! Either way it doesn't matter because we will continue to move ahead as planned. Though it would be nice to see a bit of confirmation that the Clomid actually worked (though a +opk is not a guarantee I know)! It is also only CD13 so we have plenty of time! And my blood test is not until the 3rd. Working hard to not let anything steal my joy! Hopefully I'll have a bit of good news soon! :)

Operation Baby!

Finished my first round of Clomid and we are now commencing with operation baby bump! I've got my positive vibes flowing, fingers (and toes) crossed, and prayers sent up! Trying to go into this one with a good attitude! I go on CD23 (Saturday, March 3rd), for a serum progesterone test to see if I actually ovulated on the Clomid. I keep telling myself If I didn't respond/don't get pregnant it's OK, we'll just up the dose next round and try again if need be. Trying not to think that far ahead, though I know many women don't respond to the initial dose then again some are lucky enough to conceive the first round, so you never can tell,. I guess it's no secret which camp I'm hoping to fall in. ;) Maybe it's stupid to put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended), but I'm going into this with all I've got! We'll just have to wait and see...

Finally getting somewhere!

AF finally arrived in full-force Friday (after a few days of spotting). Headed to the RE for another transvaginal Monday afternoon before beginning Clomid 50mg on Tuesday. I'm trying not to think about having a transvaginal while on my period, gross!

Question to all Provera ladies...

For those of you who have taken Provera to induce a period before beginning Clomid, how long did you have to wait for AF to arrive? I have read various things online so I assume it is different for every person. Anyways, I just finished my last Provera yesterday and was just curious about how long I'll be waiting out the witches arrival! Very anxious to move on to this next step! Geez, never thought I'd be happy to have AF show, what bizzarro world is this?!?!

Thanks for the feedback ladies!

*Edit* Apparently anywhere from 3-5 days is the norm, but I was hoping for a lot sooner...like today! Nothing so far. :/

Sometimes a bit of good news goes a looooooooong way!

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, my hubby got the results of his semen analysis back and sperm count, everything, was off the charts - 420 million to be exact! I wasn't aware a man could even produce that much sperm but apparently my husband does! The term for a very high sperm count is Polyzoospermia,  but the nurse assured us that because he maxed out the charts on morphology, motility (85%), etc.,all is fine. I am sure we will talk about it more in depth with the doctor at my next appointment.

So, it's good to know that we are now dealing with only one half of a "fertily challenged" couple. I am absolutely thrilled for my husband and for us, but at the same time I feel kind of sad, because now I know if it wasn't for me being "broken," he probably could have became a father long ago. My husband's troopers top the charts and that is wonderful (and also strangely a turn on), but we are still dealing with my retarded ovaries that just can't seem to function properly.

But it's OK, because we hopefully well on our way to getting them in ship shape! I have to finish out my Provera then as soon as I start my period I period I have to call and make an appointment (prior to cycle day 5) to come in for another transvaginal (have i mentioned how much I hate those?), and then we will start our first cycle of Clomid with 50mg. Never thought I'd be so anxious for AF to arrive! Let's get with the baby-making already! :)

8 DPO

So I estimate that I am approximately 8 DPO now. So far nothing in the way of symptoms other than the normal AF-type cramps. I am really starting to lose hope. Dr. Google is pretty much my worst enemy at this point. I read about so many women claiming to have symptoms 3-4DPO and here I am 8DPO with nada! Other than the on-off AF cramps, I am completely bone dry "down there" (sorry TMI), no CM whatsoever! Further evidence that we are likely out this month. I can try to deny it all I want, but I see this ending in one of three possible ways: 1) AF arrives before I even have a chance to test. 2) AF doesn't arrive but BFN. And finally, the last option and the one I am most hoping for, 3) AF doesn't arrive BFP! Anyone who has followed my blog at all knows it is not uncommon for me to miss periods (sometimes months at a time, thanks PCOS), but I want to miss a period because I'm actually pregnant. In the Past when I have missed a period, I always get my hopes up and start thinking, just maybe...which inevitably leads to the heartbreak of a BFN. No, if I'm not pregnant I would rather AF go ahead and show her ugly face, otherwise it is a sick, twisted, cruel joke that the universe is playing at my expense.

I don't know how I am going to wait 2+ weeks to finally test. Yeah, I know I could test in a few days, but I have made a decision to wait until after the holidays have passed. The last thing I need is to be depressed on Christmas. So unless I really start developing symptoms I don't see that changing. I am ashamed to admit that I am the woman who continually touches her boobs during the 2WW to see if they are getting sore - so far nothing. :(  I just really hate this. There is so much riding on this because I reeeeeallly don't want to go to that RE next month. I don't want to start down that scary, uncertain path, but if that's where I end up then I guess it's the best place for me (for us). I just feel so much pressure this time around because I figure this is our last hoorah, so speak; our last chance to try naturally.

I was watching a documentary last night about a woman who was 55 (DH 64) and pregnant with her first child after 12 years of trying and numerous failed IVF attempts. At first glance you have to admire this woman's tenacity; she never gave and finally after so many years was blessed with her storybook happy ending - a beautiful, healthy baby boy born free of any complications. Obviously, having a pregnancy later in life brings about potential health risks for both mother and baby, but both were fine and baby was perfect. Now, I am watching this and thinking, "well, if she got pregnant at 55 I guess I am looking pretty good over here;" My 28-year-old eggs > than her 55-year-old eggs. I thought, "well, if she succeeded after all that time there's gotta be hope for me, right? Right?!?!" Then the terror hit and I thought, "God, I hope DH and I aren't still sitting here childless in 12+ years with both our hope and bank account drained. Honestly, even the possibility of that outcome is absolutely terrifying to me! But this woman fought tooth and nail to finally see her dream of motherhood realized and who are we to begrudge her that?!

I continue to hope for our storybook ending...

Poll: OK, so I know I said there was no way I'm going to change my mind about testing before the holidays, but I'm curious, who thinks I should go ahead and test and who thinks it would be best to wait? Thoughts? Opinions? Anybody? I want to hear what YOU have to say...

Another encounter with a fertile....

So as the title says, I had another encounter with a fertile today. I hadn't planned on writing about it, but now I am too frustrated not to, I need to get my feelings out! Fertiles can be so insensitive, and I'm sorry to say, ignorant! My first mistake was engaging this person in the first place. I should have just let it roll on by but no, I just had to say something. Let me set the scene for you. So she says something on FB about how all these women need to stop posting their pregnant belly and baby pictures because they are giving her baby fever. Instead of letting it lie there like would have been best for me, I responded: "you think YOU have baby fever (emphasis on the you)! She then responds back with, "oh, sorry, I know you want one as bad as I do, probably even more.." Ok, first of all, probably?! There is no probably about it! She then goes on to brag about how she finally convinced her husband that they should start trying for a boy and she is very excited! Oh, how wonderful it must be to know that you can have sex one month and be pregnant the next. But no, it doesn't stop there. I then keep going with: "I am partial to a boy for our first, but honestly, I don't care what we get as long as we are blessed with at least one happy, healthy child. I"m not picky. " She then follows up with: "Yeah, I used to say the same thing, but after two girls I have been praying really hard for a boy." Are you serious?! I wanted to shout back with, "Well, I have been praying really hard for a child period!" Boy, talk about being ungrateful for what you already have. She has two beautiful little girls and yet all she can do is whine about how badly she wants a boy. The audacity and sheer ignorance of people just astounds me sometimes. This woman seriously needs to get a clue! Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive here, but I really felt as though she was rubbing her fertility and ability to reproduce at will right in my face. I definitely sensed a "I'm better than you" vibe going. This is the same woman that also said, "I feel sorry for women who have trouble conceiving, I really do, but there is a reason for it." Really?! Well, I don't know about anyone else but I'd sure be curious to know what this REASON is, especially from this woman who clearly has all the answers. You ever notice how the women who utter brainless things like this have no idea what it's like to be "fertily challenged?" Oh, but wait, it gets worse, I scowled down to see another comment that said something along the lines of, "it took us 3 years to get pregnant but I definitely don't want anymore. I am happy with the one we ended up with. I hated being pregnant."  Wow, seriously?! I know it's not my place to judge but this caught by surprise coming from a fellow IFer.  I would be happily puking my guts out right now if it meant that I were pregnant. I would endure every wave of nausea and every bout of morning sickness. Needless to say, this is not what I needed to be exposed to as I sit smack dab in the middle of my two week wait. Rant over. I don't feel better. :/

What do you guys think, am I being overly-sensitive and an extreme bitca to boot? Maybe she didn't mean anything by it and in my overly-emotional I read into things that weren't there. Jealousy is NOT a good color on me. Is this what infertility (I cringe even thinking the word) has reduced me to; a bitter, resentful person who not only can't be happy for others but begrudges them that right? I feel awful. :(

P.S. I hate IF blog terms like 'fertiles.' Why does there have to be a dividing line? Wouldn't I want (expect) everyone to be happy for me if I were pregnant? God knows I would be....

P.P.S. I stupidly posted pictures of the crib in the nursery on FB (back to that again), but then later decided to take them down. It's not that I care what people think of me, because really I don't. This is my journey and I will own it for the world to see. This is my fight for our unborn child and I will embrace every minute of it. The good, the bad, the hideously ugly, and the hopefully soon-to-be happy ending. I just decided that it would be best to avoid any unnecessary questions during this time in my 2WW as I am waiting to find out if by some miracle I am actually pregnant.

In exactly one month from today I will attend my first RE appointment. Though I am hoping I won't have to go. I got a +OPK the other day (CD 26) and am about 5DPO now. I am trying to think positive and hope for the best, but I fear it didn't work. I am really worried about suffering such a disappoint so close to the holiday (a time that is already pretty difficult for me) and wondering how I'll be able to come back from it if the news is not what I so hope for. This is really not the time for me to fall into a depression. If I do turn out to be pregnant, it would truly be a Christmas miracle! Funny that I find myself in the same place as last year, hoping desperately for that miracle, that blessing. My husband provides me with everything my heart could desire, yet there is only one gift I want, the ultimate gift; sadly he has no control over when I will receive this gift.If you told me last year at this time, that i would be sitting in the same place a year later, I would have said you were nuts! I told DH the other day that the potential for let down is so much greater when you try to time everything perfectly and it STILL doesn't happen, as opposed to just going about it blindly and hoping for the best. When it doesn't work you wonder, "what's wrong with me?" "Could I have done something differently?" "Why didn't it work?" It makes me wonder, is it better not to know? I'm really worried that I will be spiraling into a depression soon. And I don't want DH to have to deal with picking up the shattered pieces, because I know this is hard for him, too. Maybe he doesn't express it like I do, but I know it is and I think I sometimes forget that. I'm always talking about "me," when this is a "we." 

I tell myself that if I have to go to the doctor so be it, that was just the path meant for me. I try to keep sight of my many blessings, and I am very thankful for what I have, I just can't help but think of that one missing piece to an almost perfect life. I wonder when we will be hanging a stocking for our child, when we will be buying him or her presents for under the tree, when we will be sneaking around in the middle of the night to play Santa. These are the moments I wait for, and yet I wonder when/if they will ever happen. We have so many nieces and nephews to buy for this Christmas, but when will it be our own? When will see the magic and wonder of the holidays as witnessed through the eyes of our own child?

The other day a woman said, "it is God's will to bless a couple with a child, he is the one who decides when/if this will happen." So going by that logic, is my decision to seek fertility treatments going against God's will or plan for me? Interestingly, I find that women who say this have no idea the pain of struggling for just ONE child. I find these comments insensitive, and they make my pain all the worse. Am I a bad person if God has yet to bless me with a child? No, I don't believe that. My husband and I have so much love in our hearts to give and I have no doubt we will be AWESOME parents!

So right now I sit hoping and praying that not only do I not see my period in two weeks time, I don't see it because I am pregnant! I am trying to stop myself from daydreaming yet I can't seem to help it. So many times I have thought about the moment that second line appears, and the moment we tell our loved ones; how happy they'll be. I believe having hope is a good thing, but at the same time I wonder the price for hopes that are too high? Will I come crashing down? I guess time will tell...





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What I am Thankful for...

Yes, I know I am a little late on this post, but with the holiday season upon us, I feel the need to take note of my many blessings in life:

 - Above all, I am thankful for my husband and almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together total), years that have been the happiest of my life. I am thankful to my husband for making so many of my dreams possible, he made me a wife, and with him, I hope to fulfill my ultimate dream of motherhood. I hope for many more happy years with my best friend by my side.

- I am thankful for our home; a home that we share filled with so much love. Last spring we embarked on the journey of buying our first home. In true fairytale fashion, we fell in love with the second home we saw and just knew it was the one for us. We had to have it! After going back and forth with the bank for what seemed like an eternity, we closed on the house in May, and finally moved in in late August. This Christmas is particularly special to us because it will be the first one spent in our new home. The house is small and cozy, with a very home-y feel and it is OURS. After 2 years of living with my grandmother after DH lost his job, it feels so good to be back on our feet and have something to call our own again. I will never again take for granted the luxury of having a place to "hang my hat." I like to think that out of every misfortune there is a lesson to be learned, the lesson here is to be thankful for what we do have in life, and to take stock of our many blessings, for each day is a gift. We rose from this setback, from one of the truly lowest points in our lives together as a couple, and look where we are now?! Homeowners!! I truly believe this house was meant for us. At one point in the journey we almost lost it to another couple, but at the last minute their offer fell through and the house was once again ours for the taking. Fate intervening, perhaps? I take it as further proof that this home was meant for us! We went through hell to get this house, it was definitely a time of both great excitement and great stress, but we did it! It has been a fixer-upper, but every project, every renovation, has been soooo worth it! This house has so much potential, and it has been a true joy making it our own. In a home already bursting with so much love, I truly cannot wait until we have a little one occupying the empty room we now call the nursery. I hope to someday very soon walk into that room and stare down not at an empty crib, but at a bundle of joy lying there fast asleep. I can totally see our children growing up in this house, in this nice neighborhood community; calling this home. I can hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and the sweet sound of a child's laughter. I hope that someday soon these things will be a reality, not just wishes and dreams residing in the spaces of my heart. 

- I am thankful for my education and the many doors it has opened for me, doors that I would not have access to otherwise. I am currently working on my Master's degree in mental health counseling. I am once again thankful for the opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and know that it is a true privilege being able to do so.

- I am  thankful for my two pugs, Zoe and Xander. More than mere dogs, these two are part of the family and always provide me with so much love and comfort. They are my babies, my "fur children," and in many ways they have helped to ease the pain of not yet having a child of our own. They love freely, unconditionally, and are accepting without judgment. They are always happy to see me, and are there to offer a lick or curl up in my lap or beside me on the couch when they sense I am feeling the pain of yet another BFN. While it is not the same as having a human child, they have helped to fill the empty space in my heart, and for that I will be forever grateful to them. I hope our children will have the privilege of growing up alongside these two great companions.

Lastly, I am thankful that if I must bear the burden of infertility, at least there are doctors out there that can help me (and women like me) achieve my dream of parenthood. I am grateful to have access to a wonderful RE that I will be going to in January. I am grateful that women today have these options, where years ago options for women struggling to conceive were quite limited. Thankfully today there is help, and most importantly, hope.

I know that for those of use living with infertility, it can be easy to lose sight of all the good things in our lives, especially around the holidays when it is all about children. I know that for me, I get so wrapped up in my quest to become a mom that I often forget about the many blessings I do have. I know the holidays can be incredibly difficult for those of us who are childless, but I also think it's important to put things in perspective and remember those things, even if small, that we are thankful for.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and wishing everyone a happy holiday season!

A Series of Fortunate, Unfortunate, Events

Over the past few days I have sat down to write several blogs and for some reason just stopped. I'm not sure why, guess I just haven't had much to say.

This past weekend was a rough one. Well, actually, it started on Thursday when my grandmother and I got into it. The previous night at dinner she upset both DH and I. She kept going on and on about how we should use the nursery as storage since we won't be having a baby anytime soon (she doesn't know we're trying). We kept telling her that no, that is the nursery and we don't want anything else going in there. Well, she was relentless and wouldn't let up, she just kept pushing, so finally we just had to walk away. I stewed about the things she said all night, losing sleep over them. I was so upset and hurt by her words that I cried. The next day I hadn't planned on bringing it up, but I ended up confronting her. I basically told her that it is hard being a married couple and living here in her home. I told her that I felt she was nosy, meddlesome, intrusive, constantly in our business and questioning our decisions/choices, and that we have no privacy. I told her that what we decide to do in our own home is our business and doesn't concern anybody else. I told her that she needs to keep her opinions to herself at times and think before she speaks. She didn't like this and some hurtful things were said on her part, which I will not be sharing here. My grandmother is a very opinionated woman. She thinks her way is the only way, and that everyone else doesn't know what they're doing. Why would we use the nursery for storage when we have already painted the walls? When we have already bought a crib (she doesn't know that)? The point is that people shouldn't assume they know what's going on in other people's lives. Her saying those things about the nursery and about us not having a baby in the future was very hurtful to me. Here I am in my 2WW, waiting to find out if I am pregnant and she says the most insensitive thing possible. I didn't take it well. I feel like she doesn't even want us to have children and that really hurts. What does she expect us to do, wait until we're in our 40s and all my eggs have dried up? I am already having trouble getting pregnant so no thank you! I know you can make the argument that she doesn't even know we're trying so how can she be held accountable for the things she said? Well, that's the thing, she has no right to make assumptions regarding such a personal and intimate matter between a husband and wife. And that's exactly why we haven't told her because we don't think she'll take it well.  And given her reaction, we have every reason now to believe that is the truth. And yes, I believe it is hard to be a married couple living with any family member; there is bound to be some head-butting, but especially with a grandmother who is veeeery set in her ways and thinks she knows all. Yes, she gave us a place to come when DH lost his job. Being here allowed us to get back on our feet and start saving for a house. I am appreciative and deeply grateful for that, but at some point enough is enough. I really don't know how we have survived in this house for the past 2 years. I just think we have been here long enough and it's time to get back in our own space and back to the way things were. I just hope my relationship with my grandmother can be repaired after all this...

But don't worry, this story has a happy ending. So, Friday I ended up spending the day with my mom (I just couldn't bear to spend another second in the house with my grandmother). I ended up telling my mom that we have been trying for a baby for a while and she started crying. She said that if we want a family she gives her full support and that she thinks we will be wonderful parents. As I have mentioned previously in my blog, my mom also suffered with infertility and had to use meds to help her get pregnant. So, she understands what I'm going through and said she would be here anytime I needed her. Though, she was also saddened to hear that I am suffering a similar fate. I think that's why I put off telling her for so long, because I didn't want her to be sad for me. I'm not sure why my grandmother would begrudge us the right to have a family; DH has a great job, we are financially stable, we just bought our first home, I am in grad school, and we certainly aren't kids anymore. Whatever the reason, I at least know that I have my mother's support and that means the world to me. So see, something good did come out out of something bad. Had this not happened, my mother probably still wouldn't know.

On the 2WW front there is not much to report. My breasts (nipple area) felt sensitive for a couple of days, but that seems to have gone away now. Who knows, maybe I was just imagining it in the first place. When you want something so badly your mind can play tricks on you. I've certainly been there before. Yesterday, I saw the faintest hint of pink on the TP. I wouldn't have even noticed it if I hadn't been looking. I didn't see anything else all day yesterday and then today I saw it again this morning except that it was brown (sorry TMI). Nothing again so far. I would like to believe it is implantation bleeding, but something tells me it is probably just my period about to start; especially since I tend to start out spotting anyway, and I have been a little crampy and just generally feeling like AF is on her way. I guess we will just have to wait and see...

As for progress on the house, painters are coming in tomorrow, we can hopefully get the carpet installed Saturday, and hopefully start moving things in as early as Sunday. Which means, we can be moved in as soon as two weeks from now. Hooray!

As a side note, classes start back in less than a month so I may be blogging less frequently. Take care and hope everyone has a great week!

Just A Little Bit of History Repeating?

When we began trying to get pregnant I suspected I would have trouble, well even before that really; when having a baby and being a mother was nothing more than just a thought in my head and a hope on my heart. When my mom got pregnant with me she was in her early twenties and had no trouble at all. With my brother, however, it was an entirely different story. You see, the second time around my mother was diagnosed with what the medical profession so aptly refers to as, "secondary infertility." My mom was 35-years-old when she finally became pregnant with my brother, hence the vast age difference between us; I am 27, my brother, 16. I remember the day my mom found out she was pregnant; she burst through the door, got up on the couch and started jumping up and down exclaiming, "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!! I was happy for her, of course, but my then 10-year-old mind could not fully grasp what it all meant. How ironic, that now, so many years later, I finally get why my mom was so happy that day. I truly understand now because I know that this is exactly how I would react and how I would feel if I found out today that I am pregnant; over the moon with happiness and crying tears of joy just as my mother was. When I was little I used to say to my mom that I feared the dog was the only sibling I would ever have. Insensitive yes, and certainly not one of my finest moments, but in my defense I was a little girl who had no understanding of the years of infertility my mom had been struggling through. Could it be that karma has now come back to bite me in the ass? What I know of my mom's fertility issues is that she had multiple cysts on her ovaries (PCOS perhaps?) which the doctors "shrunk" to help her get pregnant. I'm sure it was all much more complicated than this, but I suspect my mother was "dumbing it down" for my 10-year-old brain at the time. And, quite possibly, it was just too painful for her to talk about. I think I get that now. I need to find what my mother went through because I suspect genetics may play a role in my own fertility issues.

Next month I will be going to the doctor and they will begin running tests, etc., in hopes of sorting out why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I am conflicted because I am scared but at the same time, I have been without answers for so long that it will be nice to FINALLY have some. I want to know what is going on with my body. I want to know so that we can tackle whatever the issue is head on, because anything worth having is worth fighting for and I will fight. I am not prepared to give up on my dream of motherhood, nor will I. My husband and I are in this together and we will fight together. I can't even begin to put into words what a comfort it is knowing he is at my side through all of this; that we are both fighting for the same dream. I believe that the journey to parenthood doesn't just begin with pregnancy, it begins even before that, with the journey to conception. And so I will do whatever necessary to ensure our future child makes it to us one way or another. We have not yet met our child, but I know he or she is waiting for us. For now, though, he/she will remain a dream and a hope in our hearts.

As I go through this uncertain time, I will think of my mother for inspiration. After struggling through years of infertility she got her miracle baby, and so I have to believe that eventually the same will happen for me  (although, hopefully we can skip skip the years part?). My mom persevered and never gave up hope,  so I will just have to take a cue from her and do the same. She made it through the darkness and the anguish;  the, at times, all-consuming grief, and so will I. I am a young woman who has defied the odds from the time I was born, so why should now be any different? I would like to think I'm stronger than I often give myself credit for.