Everything is a wait and see...

Feeling icky today. Would morning sickness start this early? Yeah, didn't think so...

As of yesterday (CD14), still no +opk. I'm really starting to get discouraged at this point that the clomid didn't work. :( On the other hand, maybe the opks I bought are just duds and the blood test will confirm that I did in fact O! :) we'll just have to wait and see, cause everything is a wait and see...sigh.

Big fat goose egg!

Took an opk about an hour ago and was really surprised when it came up negative (barely a line at all). I'm going to test again in a few hours. Hopefully next time will be the charm! Trying not to get too discouraged by it, but I though for sure it would be +! Either way it doesn't matter because we will continue to move ahead as planned. Though it would be nice to see a bit of confirmation that the Clomid actually worked (though a +opk is not a guarantee I know)! It is also only CD13 so we have plenty of time! And my blood test is not until the 3rd. Working hard to not let anything steal my joy! Hopefully I'll have a bit of good news soon! :)

Operation Baby!

Finished my first round of Clomid and we are now commencing with operation baby bump! I've got my positive vibes flowing, fingers (and toes) crossed, and prayers sent up! Trying to go into this one with a good attitude! I go on CD23 (Saturday, March 3rd), for a serum progesterone test to see if I actually ovulated on the Clomid. I keep telling myself If I didn't respond/don't get pregnant it's OK, we'll just up the dose next round and try again if need be. Trying not to think that far ahead, though I know many women don't respond to the initial dose then again some are lucky enough to conceive the first round, so you never can tell,. I guess it's no secret which camp I'm hoping to fall in. ;) Maybe it's stupid to put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended), but I'm going into this with all I've got! We'll just have to wait and see...

Finally getting somewhere!

AF finally arrived in full-force Friday (after a few days of spotting). Headed to the RE for another transvaginal Monday afternoon before beginning Clomid 50mg on Tuesday. I'm trying not to think about having a transvaginal while on my period, gross!

Question to all Provera ladies...

For those of you who have taken Provera to induce a period before beginning Clomid, how long did you have to wait for AF to arrive? I have read various things online so I assume it is different for every person. Anyways, I just finished my last Provera yesterday and was just curious about how long I'll be waiting out the witches arrival! Very anxious to move on to this next step! Geez, never thought I'd be happy to have AF show, what bizzarro world is this?!?!

Thanks for the feedback ladies!

*Edit* Apparently anywhere from 3-5 days is the norm, but I was hoping for a lot sooner...like today! Nothing so far. :/

Sometimes a bit of good news goes a looooooooong way!

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, my hubby got the results of his semen analysis back and sperm count, everything, was off the charts - 420 million to be exact! I wasn't aware a man could even produce that much sperm but apparently my husband does! The term for a very high sperm count is Polyzoospermia,  but the nurse assured us that because he maxed out the charts on morphology, motility (85%), etc.,all is fine. I am sure we will talk about it more in depth with the doctor at my next appointment.

So, it's good to know that we are now dealing with only one half of a "fertily challenged" couple. I am absolutely thrilled for my husband and for us, but at the same time I feel kind of sad, because now I know if it wasn't for me being "broken," he probably could have became a father long ago. My husband's troopers top the charts and that is wonderful (and also strangely a turn on), but we are still dealing with my retarded ovaries that just can't seem to function properly.

But it's OK, because we hopefully well on our way to getting them in ship shape! I have to finish out my Provera then as soon as I start my period I period I have to call and make an appointment (prior to cycle day 5) to come in for another transvaginal (have i mentioned how much I hate those?), and then we will start our first cycle of Clomid with 50mg. Never thought I'd be so anxious for AF to arrive! Let's get with the baby-making already! :)

So I took a much needed hiatus from blogger town (not that anyone noticed because no one actually reads this). When everyone you follow starts popping up pregnant, it can become a bit much when you're in the midst of your own journey. Not to say that I'm not happy for every single one of you lovely ladies, I am truly, but once again, I find myself  feeling like the odd (wo)man out. Now to catch you up on what's been happening in my world:

Christmas was a little rocky, though to be fair it had its good moments, too. It was our first Christmas spent as homeowners, so that was pretty amazing, though it would have been a million times better if we'd had a little one to share it with. I try to remember how blessed I truly am, but it can be difficult not to focus on what you don't have, especially when what you don't have is the one thing you want so badly it causes an ache down to your soul. So, I got a +opk the month of December, DH and I were so hopeful and we did everything right. I spent each day hoping against hope that AF would not show. About 2 weeks later I began to have some spotting, I convinced myself it was implantation bleeding. Days go by and the spotting remained the same so I continued to be hopeful. The morning before Christmas Eve I decided to test, it was negative, of course. If only I'd waited a little while longer I could have saved myself at least SOME heartache, because a few hours later AF showed. Needless to say, this put a damper on our holiday festivities.

We had our first appointment with an RE on the 13th of January. Long story short, we have a tentative diagnosis of PCOS and he plans to start me on 50mg of Clomid. We have a follow-up appointment on the 27th and hopefully he will start me on the meds then.  So, I am back with the hope and promise of a new year, and really hoping that 2012 will be our year to become parents!

That is all for now.

8 DPO

So I estimate that I am approximately 8 DPO now. So far nothing in the way of symptoms other than the normal AF-type cramps. I am really starting to lose hope. Dr. Google is pretty much my worst enemy at this point. I read about so many women claiming to have symptoms 3-4DPO and here I am 8DPO with nada! Other than the on-off AF cramps, I am completely bone dry "down there" (sorry TMI), no CM whatsoever! Further evidence that we are likely out this month. I can try to deny it all I want, but I see this ending in one of three possible ways: 1) AF arrives before I even have a chance to test. 2) AF doesn't arrive but BFN. And finally, the last option and the one I am most hoping for, 3) AF doesn't arrive BFP! Anyone who has followed my blog at all knows it is not uncommon for me to miss periods (sometimes months at a time, thanks PCOS), but I want to miss a period because I'm actually pregnant. In the Past when I have missed a period, I always get my hopes up and start thinking, just maybe...which inevitably leads to the heartbreak of a BFN. No, if I'm not pregnant I would rather AF go ahead and show her ugly face, otherwise it is a sick, twisted, cruel joke that the universe is playing at my expense.

I don't know how I am going to wait 2+ weeks to finally test. Yeah, I know I could test in a few days, but I have made a decision to wait until after the holidays have passed. The last thing I need is to be depressed on Christmas. So unless I really start developing symptoms I don't see that changing. I am ashamed to admit that I am the woman who continually touches her boobs during the 2WW to see if they are getting sore - so far nothing. :(  I just really hate this. There is so much riding on this because I reeeeeallly don't want to go to that RE next month. I don't want to start down that scary, uncertain path, but if that's where I end up then I guess it's the best place for me (for us). I just feel so much pressure this time around because I figure this is our last hoorah, so speak; our last chance to try naturally.

I was watching a documentary last night about a woman who was 55 (DH 64) and pregnant with her first child after 12 years of trying and numerous failed IVF attempts. At first glance you have to admire this woman's tenacity; she never gave and finally after so many years was blessed with her storybook happy ending - a beautiful, healthy baby boy born free of any complications. Obviously, having a pregnancy later in life brings about potential health risks for both mother and baby, but both were fine and baby was perfect. Now, I am watching this and thinking, "well, if she got pregnant at 55 I guess I am looking pretty good over here;" My 28-year-old eggs > than her 55-year-old eggs. I thought, "well, if she succeeded after all that time there's gotta be hope for me, right? Right?!?!" Then the terror hit and I thought, "God, I hope DH and I aren't still sitting here childless in 12+ years with both our hope and bank account drained. Honestly, even the possibility of that outcome is absolutely terrifying to me! But this woman fought tooth and nail to finally see her dream of motherhood realized and who are we to begrudge her that?!

I continue to hope for our storybook ending...

Poll: OK, so I know I said there was no way I'm going to change my mind about testing before the holidays, but I'm curious, who thinks I should go ahead and test and who thinks it would be best to wait? Thoughts? Opinions? Anybody? I want to hear what YOU have to say...

Making Changes!

For the last few weeks I have been talking about how much I would like to lose weight, get in shape, exercise, etc. In a few weeks I will begin the Metformin and so I figure this will be a good catalyst for changing my eating habits. Here's a quick run down of what I consumed this weekend. Friday night: Pizza and bread sticks from Pizza Hut. Saturday: I-Hop for breakfast/lunch, where I ordered chocolate chip pancakes and ate almost allllllll of them, leftover pizza for dinner, and then cookies for a snack. Sunday: Pancakes again (thanks grandma)! Steak, potatoes, and salad for dinner, cake for dessert. Monday: This morning for breakfast I ate 3 powdered donuts, and even as I write this there is a bag of Cheetos sitting in front of me on my desk (again, courtesy of grandma). Boy, when I write it all out like this it is far worse than I realized! Hello, Carb City!

Looking at this it is hard to believe I am not morbidly obese! I am definitely overweight, though. I am 5 feet 2 inches tall and 140ish pounds. This is the most I have ever weighed in my life! And my fear is that if I don't do something soon, the scale will only continue to climb! Growing up I never had a weight problem. In high school I was always thin (under 100 lbs) and had a very high metabolism. I never even had to think about what I put in my mouth and could eat whatever I wanted (man, do I miss those days)! After high school things began to change (I think PCOS is partially to blame). I met my now husband about a year out of high school, and the following year we were sharing an apartment together. It was during this time that my eating habits began to change. We were eating out a lot more, eating more sweets and junk food, just generally unhealthy eating. I stopped having regular periods (going 3-4 months at a time without one), and started putting on weight. I had previously stopped BCPs after being on them for about 5 years, so I thought that was the problem and that it would eventually sort itself out, but the lack of periods continued (and still does). It has taken a long time of this for me to pack on the 40+lbs. It didn't happen overnight, but it happened. And now it needs to stop!

When I start the Metformin I am going to need to seriously alter my eating habits. This means cutting out carbs, sweets, starches, etc. And probably caffeine as well (which means no more trips to Starbucks)! I need to give this medicine the best chance of working for us and that means making healthier choices.  The way I see it, this will be a very small price to pay if it means these meds will get us pregnant! I read somewhere that "Losing as little as 5% of your body weight can help balance hormone levels and improve fertility." My goal is to lose at least 10 lbs. Who knows, If I could lose the weight maybe I wouldn't even need the Metformin and ovulation could be restored on its own. I am hoping the Metformin will help me shed the pounds, but I can't just sit around and expect it to do all the work. I need to do this for our baby. Now.

DH and I both agree that we need to change our eating habits and start making better lifestyle choices. The problem is we are currently living with my grandmother. I'm sure you all know how grandmothers can be, constantly making desserts and sweets; nice, but sabotage when it comes to any weight loss progress. Not to mention the weekly fried goodness. So for now we are waiting to get settled into house, which will hopefully be  in a few weeks.

And speaking of the house, haven't heard anything yet today. They said Monday or Tuesday, but I'm guessing it won't be until Friday again. Give them an inch, they'll take a mile!

More Poking and Prodding....

 ...and I thought I was done with all of that...NOT! Went to the lab this morning for more blood work...this time to check my testosterone and dhea levels (thanks a lot hirsutism). Well, what's done is done. In a week's time I will have my results. They are going to be whatever they're going to be and there's nothing I can do about it now. I can only hope for the best but fear the worst. My OB/GYN (bless him), didn't seem too worried about these results or my facial hair, but unfortunately for me, this does little to quiet my fears (he could very well be wrong, after all). As of now, all of my other hormone levels have come back within the normal range...but something tells me the dhea won't be...(as the facial hair seems to suggest as a strong possibility, not that it is all that bad mind you, most of the time it's not even that noticeable, but still really embarrassing for me as I have to pluck and and bleach hairs. I have some hair on my upper lip, chin, and now some growing om the side of my face. It makes me feel less feminine, and certainly less attractive to DH. I joke to him all the time that I should go off and join the circus as the bearded lady. No, but seriously, not that bad.).

I am worried about the dhea being EXTREMELY high, like off the charts high! And if it is what does that mean? What would be the next step? Would there be more testing, more blood work, etc? Apparently it is common for all other hormone levels to be normal while dhea and testosterone come back high? My biggest concern is that if they DO come back high it will preempt our baby-making plans. The plan is for my OB/GYN to take me off BC and start me on Glucophage next. I hope nothing jeopardizes that, and that he will give me the Glucophage regardless of what these results say. IF I end up having to go for more testing or whatever (which I really hope isn't necessary!), fine, just go ahead and give me the Glucophage while you're at it.

I am not prepared to be asked to give up on my dream (which I would refuse to do anyway), as this dream is too important. The journey to become a mother is the most important thing I have fought for in my 28 years on this planet. I remember when I got the news that physically, reproductive wise, everything was fine, no abnormalities, etc. I am still very happy knowing that, knowing that reproductively I am healthy and that physically I CAN have a baby, but now with the possibility of something else being wrong...I am angry that I am allowing this situation to steal away the joy of what I DO KNOW. I mean, look how far I have come in such a short time? I should not allow that to be discounted.

At this point I am still hoping for PCOS and NOT an adrenal issue (though I have been researching something called Late-Onset Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia which apparently gets misdiagnosed for PCOS all the time due to the similarity of symptoms - facial hair, menstrual irregularities, etc. Based on what I've read it sounds scarier than it is, and apparently infertility is treated in much the same way as it would be with PCOS. Still hope it's not that though. And certainly not Cushings or a tumor!)...but time will tell...and I'll certainly find out soon enough one way or the other. Until then I guess I need to steer clear of assumptions and self-diagnoses (ha!). Hopefully this is just my fear talking and things will not be as bad as they seem. At the same time, the pessimistic part of me says that I have been lucky too many times and at some point my luck is going to run out..

Anyone familiar with the show How I Met Your Mother, knows that one of Barney Stinson's signature phrases is, "When I'm sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead." Now understand that this is a mantra I myself have tried to live by (I even have it as my current desktop background), the problem is, I have been feeling more sad and less AWESOME of late....

Just A Little Bit of History Repeating?

When we began trying to get pregnant I suspected I would have trouble, well even before that really; when having a baby and being a mother was nothing more than just a thought in my head and a hope on my heart. When my mom got pregnant with me she was in her early twenties and had no trouble at all. With my brother, however, it was an entirely different story. You see, the second time around my mother was diagnosed with what the medical profession so aptly refers to as, "secondary infertility." My mom was 35-years-old when she finally became pregnant with my brother, hence the vast age difference between us; I am 27, my brother, 16. I remember the day my mom found out she was pregnant; she burst through the door, got up on the couch and started jumping up and down exclaiming, "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!! I was happy for her, of course, but my then 10-year-old mind could not fully grasp what it all meant. How ironic, that now, so many years later, I finally get why my mom was so happy that day. I truly understand now because I know that this is exactly how I would react and how I would feel if I found out today that I am pregnant; over the moon with happiness and crying tears of joy just as my mother was. When I was little I used to say to my mom that I feared the dog was the only sibling I would ever have. Insensitive yes, and certainly not one of my finest moments, but in my defense I was a little girl who had no understanding of the years of infertility my mom had been struggling through. Could it be that karma has now come back to bite me in the ass? What I know of my mom's fertility issues is that she had multiple cysts on her ovaries (PCOS perhaps?) which the doctors "shrunk" to help her get pregnant. I'm sure it was all much more complicated than this, but I suspect my mother was "dumbing it down" for my 10-year-old brain at the time. And, quite possibly, it was just too painful for her to talk about. I think I get that now. I need to find what my mother went through because I suspect genetics may play a role in my own fertility issues.

Next month I will be going to the doctor and they will begin running tests, etc., in hopes of sorting out why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I am conflicted because I am scared but at the same time, I have been without answers for so long that it will be nice to FINALLY have some. I want to know what is going on with my body. I want to know so that we can tackle whatever the issue is head on, because anything worth having is worth fighting for and I will fight. I am not prepared to give up on my dream of motherhood, nor will I. My husband and I are in this together and we will fight together. I can't even begin to put into words what a comfort it is knowing he is at my side through all of this; that we are both fighting for the same dream. I believe that the journey to parenthood doesn't just begin with pregnancy, it begins even before that, with the journey to conception. And so I will do whatever necessary to ensure our future child makes it to us one way or another. We have not yet met our child, but I know he or she is waiting for us. For now, though, he/she will remain a dream and a hope in our hearts.

As I go through this uncertain time, I will think of my mother for inspiration. After struggling through years of infertility she got her miracle baby, and so I have to believe that eventually the same will happen for me  (although, hopefully we can skip skip the years part?). My mom persevered and never gave up hope,  so I will just have to take a cue from her and do the same. She made it through the darkness and the anguish;  the, at times, all-consuming grief, and so will I. I am a young woman who has defied the odds from the time I was born, so why should now be any different? I would like to think I'm stronger than I often give myself credit for.