Why does my body hate me?

Seriously, Why does my body hate me? After more than two months without a period, I start to think that maybe by some miracle I could be pregnant and then what happens, it looks like AF is on her way. It just feels like such a slap in the face, "surprise! I'm here." I was hoping maybe it was implantation bleeding since all it's been is brown discharge since Thursday (sorry TMI), but the cramps are getting heavier so it looks like it's going to be AF in full force. I'm getting really frustrated and still haven't heard from my gyno, I think I'm just going to go straight to the RE at this point. what have I got to lose, right? And hopefully they can offer me a lot more help and answers than my gyno has been able to over the past year. I just feel so sad and hopeless and wonder why I even bother to think positively anymore since it seems it gets me nowhere. I've tried to believe and hope for the best, but I just end up feeling crushed in the end. I've really got to tough it out because things may get worse before they get better. I just feel so heartbroken, and sometimes the longing in my heart is more than I can bear. There are days I wonder if this aching void in my heart, this emptiness I feel, will ever be healed. Sometimes I feel like the world is playing a cruel joke at my expense; that karma, mother nature, the universe, whatever you believe is punishing me because I wouldn't be a good mother. What else am I supposed to believe when it seems that everyone else around me is popping out babies, especially those that didn't even really want them in the first place, and yet they are able to achieve parenthood so easily. well it's obvious I better go because I am being a Debbie downer. Happy Friday and I hope everyone has a great weekend

I will be spending the weekend playing with my new iPhone 4S that hubby and I got today. The 3GS was good to me for a long time, but it was time for an upgrade. We woke up this morning at the butt crack of dawn and went to stand in line at the AT&T store for about an hour, but let me tell you it was worth it because the new phones are awesome! By the time we got there a line had already started forming and people were sitting in folding chairs camped out in front of the store. Man, people really take the iPhone seriously! If there any spelling errors or things that don't make sense I apologize, I am posting this via the voice notation feature, it's really cool! Well, I think that's about it for now, have a great weekend ladies.

Sometimes no news ISN'T good news....

Well, it has been over 2 weeks now and still no word form my doctor. At this point I am really stating to lose patience (and that's putting it mildly). I called first thing this morning and told the nurse to pleeeease have him call me asap. I know he has been out of town, and that he has a life outside of caring for his patients, but for me this is torture! To him this may not be a big deal, he is just doing his job; but to me and my husband it is everything! I hate waiting in limbo feeling hopeless, helpless, and lost. I just want answers, whatever those answers may be so that we can move forward in whatever direction we need to pursue next. If that means getting a second opinion from another OB or going straight to the RE, so be it. I am just fed up with sitting here doing nothing while time ticks by. DH and I are still remaining hopeful that by some miracle this may be our month, but just in case it's not we need a path ahead. I know I'll feel much less anxious with a plan in place. I need to feel like I'm doing something. I need to be proactive! That's how I deal; that's what gets me through. There is a fork in the road and I desperately need an outline of where to turn next. Help! I can't sit here and feel helpless anymore. DH and I will do anything to get our child, we just need to know what that next thing is. I will do everything in my power to give my husband our son (I say this because I am sure in my heart we are going to blessed with a boy), I just need to know what's ahead so I can begin to plan and prepare for the next step in our journey. Not an easy thing to do when you're unsure of what's coming and things are so up in the air. So hopefully my phone call will yield some results by the end of the day. All I know is, I am done being Mrs. Nice Guy about it. I love Dr. C and have been with him for a very long time. We usually have a good rapport but right now I feel I am being treated very unprofessionally. So I would hate to do it but I will go to another OB if that's what's needed. Hopefully it will not come to that though because I really do not want to start over with another doctor after what I've already been through in the past year and a half. I know it could be much worse, and I pray it doesn't get worse, but believe me I have already had my share of heartache.

On another note, there must have been a baby convention in town this weekend because they were everywhere! Seriously,  everywhere I turned it was babies, babies, babies. It's like I could not escape them no matter how hard I tried! At Target: Babies. Grocery store: Babies. DH and I attended his brother's wedding this weekend and there were lots of babies there, too! I swear, sometimes I'm convinced the universe is conspiring against me. I know it's my baby-brain mentality making my hyper-aware but still, it's not pleasant! Also, thanks to Facebook's new subscribe feature I can now 'unsubscribe' to all pregnant women on FB. This is good because it allows me to keep my page (because I am too much of a chicken to actually delete my account), while not being subjected to the rants of pregnant women all day, thereby fueling my total emotional breakdown.

And while we're at it, could someone pleeeease tell me why my complexion suddenly resembles that of a teenager?! For the past few weeks now my face has been horribly broke out with no end in sight! I am now scared to look in the mirror because I swear every morning when I wake up there is a new pimple! I just don't know what to do. AF hasn't showed since the end of July, so I'm quite sure it has something to do with my hormones being completely out-of-whack!

Well, I think that's all for now. I will update on the sitch as soon as more info becomes available (if anyone actually cares. lol). Until then hope you are all having a good Monday and a great week; it is starting out as a rainy one here. Kinda fits my mood I suppose. lol. Take care, ladies.

~ Kellie

I am sad to report that I am starting off the week in a very annoyed state (not a good combo for a Monday). A few hours ago I learned that my ob/gyn will not be back in the office until Thursday, which means another week of sitting on my hands waiting for answers. Gah, I hate being in limbo! Boy, talk about the Monday Blues! Oh well, since there's nothing I can do about it, here's a survey to distract me while I wait:


1. Name of the future mommy to be?: K

2. Name of the future daddy to be?: D

3. How long has the future parents been together/married?: Together for 8 years total; married for almost 3 of those years.

4. When did you start trying to conceive?: June 2010

5. What is the hardest part of T.T.C?: The constant string of BFN's month after month. Getting my hopes, trying to think positively, really believing, only to be let down every time. I've learned I can't even trust my own body because I want a baby so badly my body will play tricks on me making me think I'm pregnant when I'm not.

6. What does the future mommy want to have?: I really want to give my husband a son, but honestly I couldn't care less about the gender; just a happy, healthy baby is all that matters.

7. What does the future daddy want to have?: He says it doesn't matter and I'm sure that's true, but I know in his heart he wants a little carbon-copy running around.  

8. Is there a certain month or season you’d like to have the baby in?: I've always fantasized about having a baby during the holiday season. It would also be cool to have a baby in April since both my hubby and I are April babies; but honestly the timing doesn't matter; I'm not picky, I just want a baby!

9. What are you looking forward to most when you finally conceive? Being able to finally share the good news with our family and friends who have been waiting right alongside us. I have fantasized about that moment so many times, I can only hope it will be a reality soon. Other than that I just really look forward to being pregnant; feeling my child move inside me and instantly feeling that connection and unbreakable love for him or her. I hear it's an amazing, life-changing experience; one I hope to have for myself very soon.

10. What has been the best thing about the T.T.C. process? Definitely that despite all the heartache and disappointment it has brought my hubby and I closer together than I ever thought possible. If there was one good thing to come out of all this drama it's that. We had a good marriage before, but we are now closer than ever and this experience has really solidified our bond and forced us to rely on each other more.

11. Pick out any names yet, for when the big day comes?: Yes

12. Any certain reason for choosing those names? Middle names for boy and girl are family names

13. Do you know what T.T.C. stands for?:I'm not even going to dignify this with an answer....

14. What things do you do to check for when your fertile?: CM, BBT, the usual.

15.Do you use Ovulation Tests? Yes

16. What does the future daddy do to help you with T.T.C. process: My hubby has really been my support system. He is always there to listen and even just hold me if I need a good cry. He has even gone with me to all of my appointments so far. 

17. How long do you plan on continuing the T.T.C process?:As long as it takes!

18. Will you consider In-Vitro or any other type of Infertility medicine?: Absolutely!

19. Have you had your pre-conceiving physical?: Yes

20.How many children would you like to have?: I used to say 2 but now I'd be happy with just one perfect little miracle baby.

21.Have you started buying some baby stuff? :So far all we have is a crib; what can I say? It was on sale and we just can't resist a bargain!

22.Any books that you’ve read that have been helpful?:No books as of yet but I'm certainly open to suggestions!

23.Is your family and friends supportive of deciding to T.T.C.?: There have been a few negative Nancy's but overall everyone has been more supportive than I could have imagined! I am especially thankful for two girlfriends (fellow IFers) who have really been there for me throughout this process. I honestly don't know what I would do without these two ladies in my life. So grateful for them!

24. Have you made any BIG changes in your life to help you conceive? Diet changes, exercise, etc. Also daily prenatal and many doctor visits (a big deal for me because I HATE going to the doctor)!  

25.Have you abstained from alcohol and drugs? Drugs have never been a part of my life, and I'm not much of a drinker anyway.

26.So if you unfortunately do not conceive, then what?: Adoption.

27.Are you healthy enough to be pregnant?: Yes

28.Do you really think your ready to be a parent?: Absolutely!

29.Any advice for other woman out there T.T.C.?: Just speaking from personal experience: stay strong, keep faith, and never give up! 

Well, that's that! I am going shopping later for some fall decor (I love this time of year) so maybe that will cheer me up. Here's the wreath I put up yesterday:

 

Well, that's all for now. Have a great week ladies!

How naive can I be? Honestly, how stupid was I believing now that we are home-owners we would get pregnant because it would just be too perfect. Well, if there's one thing I've come to realize it's that life's NOT perfect, and it's probably not going to happen that way. You would think now that we have a nice home and a room for our baby I would get pregnant, right? Well, if there were any justice in the world it would be so, but apparently that's not the case. So for now I must walk by an empty room every day. A room that serves as a daily reminder of the void in our hearts longing to be filled.I keep the door closed at all times because I can't bear to go in there. We have a nice home for our child, we are able to provide, and above all, we have so much love to give. Why isn't that enough?! It is now Wednesday, hump day (no pun intended), I have made it to mid week. How I got here is anybody's guess. Here I sit counting down the days, hours until next week when i will hear from my ob/gyn. When I will get a call that will either restore some of my hope or further shatter it. Right now the pessimist in me is definitely leaning toward the latter. Honestly, I am just so angry and bitter right now and it scares the hell outta me. Try as i might I know there is nothing I can do to prepare myself for the information that may await me on the other end of the line. He caught me off guard before and probably will again. So until then, I sit. I wait. I twitter my thumbs. I can't decide right now which is worse, knowing or not knowing. Regardless, that info is going to influence our direction from this point forward. Whatever it is I just want it over with. Dealt with so we can process and move on. I feel much better when there is a plan in place and right now I feel so lost. Out-of-sorts. Disoriented. My world turned upside down. I"m struggling to find my footing again but honestly don't know which way is up; if I'm coming or going. I'm trying not to let the resentment I feel take hold and ravage me until there is nothing left but a shell. All I know is, next week can't get her fast enough for me...

That's it. I am so over Facebook. Here I am struggling to have just ONE baby when last night I'm on FB and a girl I went to high school with announces her 4th, yes 4th, pregnancy! The exact post read: "4 under 4....coming February 2012." I mean, c'mon, how obnoxious is that?! Here I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that there is a fertility specialist in my future, and I have to read insensitive crap like that! She is my age (28) and already has 4 beautiful children, while I would give anything for just one perfect little miracle baby. Just ONE, that's all I ask, I'm not greedy! It just seems so unfair. I see this all the time on FB and it really makes me feel like I am a freak whose body doesn't work right. I mean, this woman, I swear her husband just looks at her and she's pregnant. We all know the type! Here I sit just trying to cope with my situation the best I can and reading that just honestly feels like a slap in the face to me. I would hope that when I do become pregnant I will show courtesy and sensitivity and not forget those who may still be struggling. I think fertiles should realize that not every woman is blessed to be in such a state, the ability to have kids is not a given, and when you see a childless couple you shouldn't assume it is by choice. I imagine it is easy for women who haven't had to experience the pain of such longing, to take their fertility for granted, but the fact is we never know what someone else may be going through, or how much seemingly harmless words may reawaken the pain of the scars we carry each day.

OK, getting off my soapbox now....

Well, I made it through the weekend. In retrospect I really don't know how I did. I have just been keeping busy, mainly just going through the motions of it all. At times I even smiled or laughed without the world ending, but still there is a deep feeling of sadness I carry in my heart. Now I just need to get through the week. Unfortunately, my OB/GYN is out of town (perfect timing, right?), so I now have to wait until sometime next week to find out what he learns (if anything) from the fertility specialist he is consulting with. I am anxiously awaiting that call but honestly, I don't expect anything good to come from it. I have already decided that if this is the case I will be seeking the opinion of another OB/GYN before making the leap to a fertility specialist. I just wish I didn't have to sit wringing my hands for a week waiting for information, but I guess that's just the way it is.

What would you ladies do, would you seek a 2nd opinion, first, or go straight to the RE? Please understand that though the prospect is terrifying to me, I am not against seeing a specialist if that's what ultimately needs to be done. Obviously, I will do anything necessary to get our baby. That said, I still feel there is more that could be done before taking such a leap to more drastic measures. Fellow PCOS-ers I need your input here. My doctor said I am not eligible for Clomid because my periods have failed to regulate on Met alone (I can sometimes go 3-4 months or longer without a period). As of now I haven't had a period since late July and am not pregnant. Dr. C.'s opinion is that this being the case, Clomid would do little good. My question is, why couldn't I be given progresterone or provera to force my period, and then take clomid on CD 5-9 or however it works? I have a friend with PCOS and this method worked for her. She now has a 2-year-old son. Question to all you PCOS ladies: is this what worked for you or did your doc try a different method?

I should also add that I was only Met for about 3 months. Doesn't it usually take a lot longer in most cases to yield any results? I am currently not on it because Dr. C told me to stop if it was making me so miserable, but I would certainly be willing to tough it out if there was a chance I could see better results down the line. It just so frustrating that my lack of periods are what is causing all this trouble for me. When I know there has got to be something that can regulate them besides BCP. Sure, BCP may work if you have no desire to get pregnant, but when you are TTC that is a no-go. And I already wasted 3 months of my life on those darn things (not to mention the 5 years I spent preventing pregnancy. Now the idea of that is laughable to me)!

If it doesn't go my way when I hear from Dr. C next week, I am going to push the provera-clomid combo. I am hoping the RE he is consulting with will suggest it, but I have learned the hard way it's best to have zero expectations.. I seem to recall also that this is what worked for my mom to help her get pregnant. If he is still uncooperative, then as much as I hate to do it because I love Dr. C., I will seek a second opinion.

Please feel free to weigh in  on my situation ladies as I am feeling really lost and directionless right now. I need to know that there is still hope out there.  Hope you all have a great week.

Thanks.

~ Kellie

I don't even know what to say. Since yesterday I have felt so numb, like I'm not even really here. It turns out rescheduling my appointment from Tuesday to Thursday was a blessing in disguise, but little did I realize the delay was only putting off the inevitable of what would come next. Oh well, at least it gave me an extra day or two to foolishly believe all was okay before it was shattered, and now I can't go back. I was not prepared for what happened. I was completely blindsided. I was expecting to go in and come out with Clomid. But apparently because my body failed to respond to the Met in the way we'd hoped, I am not a candidate for Clomid at this time. According to Dr. C, my cycles have to be regulated in order for Clomid to have a chance of doing any good. And now, not only am I not on Clomid, he also told me to stop the Met since it isn't working and was making so miserable. So now I have nothing.

But wait, it gets worse. The next words out of Dr. C's mouth were, "I think we may be at the point now where it's time to see a fertility specialist." I was shocked when I heard this. I was fumbling for words as I didn't know what to say; completely caught off guard by the mere suggestion.  I knew that we may eventually have to go that route, I knew it may be in the future, but I didn't know it would be now, not so soon. I thought I had other options. I thought I had more time. I feel my own doctor is giving up on me, that he is throwing in the towel and handing me off to someone else because I am such a hopeless case. I know that this is irrational. I know that I should be grateful to Dr. C for not wasting my time, but I can't help it.  So the plan is that Dr. C is going to consult with a fertility specialist to see if there is anything else we can try before moving on to more drastic measures. But honestly, I feel that we are once again just delaying the inevitable. If my OB/GYN couldn't succeed in regulating my periods, how on earth is anyone going to be able to?!

I am so afraid to start down that path, because I know that once we do there is no turning back. I held it together while I was in the office, but as soon as I got outside I broke down. Right now I am devoid of hope and I feel so lost; with no since of direction or plan. Perhaps that is the hardest thing to deal with right now, that I feel I'm right back at square one. I can't believe the last several months have been for nothing. Sure we can still keep "trying," but that didn't work for over a year and I have very little hope of it working now. I know if I do conceive naturally it would be a miracle because my body is so screwed up. I am so angry and resentful of my body right now. Why can't it just work like it should?! I feel like a failure as a woman because apparently I can't accomplish what my body was designed to do. I feel like I'm letting my husband down; if he'd married someone else I'm sure he'd have a kid by now. And the cost?! We just bought a house, we have a mortgage, how on earth will we ever be able to afford a fertility clinic?! I sure hope they have an installment plan! I was really thrown a curve ball yesterday and I'm still trying to make sense of it all. It's not fair. We have so much love to give so why can't we just have our baby?!

have lost all hope at the moment and just want to shut down. I can't believe we are at this point so soon. If any of you ladies are reading this right now please weigh in. I am really at a loss right now and desperately in need of some hope and encouragement. For the first time I truly fear that it may never happen; that we may never be parents. Last night when I got home I was so upset that I had 2 glasses of wine and went to bed. I fear that this weekend is probably going to hold much of the same for me. I hope you all have a much better weekend than I'm going to. Sorry to be such a downer, but if you got this far thanks for reading.

~ Kellie