Help! I am in the process of my 2nd IUI cycle with injections (Follistim). I had my first blood draw today (after 4 days of stims) and my e2 level was 95. The nurse tells me that this is a perfectly acceptable number (for someone of my diagnosis, PCOS) and that my RE wishes to take it slow so as not to overstimulate me. Fine, I get that. The problem is I seem to recall that with the previous cycle my first blood draw was much higher after 4 days of stims. Unfortunately, I did not write anything down last time so I don't have a point of reference. When I expressed this to the nurse she just said no and that was it. I wanted to ask her to look at the numbers of my previous cycle for comparison, but I felt she was rushing me off the phone so I didn't bother.  My usual nurse is out on vacation so I am relying on the nurse of the other RE, whom I have never dealt with and after talking with her, do not care for. When I tried to express my concerns or ask a question she would simply interrupt or talk over me, so the phone call ended with none of my questions answered and me feeling very anxious and confused. All I was told was to return Sunday morning for another blood draw, and continue at the 75iu for the next two nights. I know everyone is different and every cycle is different, but to those who have done stim cycles, does this sound like an acceptable range? I am terrified that I'm not responding properly and am looking for some reassurance that I did not receive any from the nurse.

11dpiui

Well, nurse finally called with my results late yesterday afternoon. I didn't get the exact number but she said my progesterone level was over 40 which is very promising. She said I could test Sunday or Monday but I'm thinking that won't even be necessary. My sore breasts have all but disappeared which means my progesterone has dropped and AF is likely on her way. Add to that the fact that i went to the bathroom this morning and saw brownish CM on the TP. I know better than to think it could be implantation bleeding. I have hoped for this before and it ALWAYS ends up being the start of AF for me. Somehow I don't think this cycle will be any different. Especially since I triggered on CD9, so this is likely just an early period for me. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this cycle did not work. I am trying not to cry right now as I sit here writing this. I just don't understand why it didn't work. I guess my only course of action now is praying that there are no cysts and we can quickly move on to the next attempt. I am just so devastated.

Forgiveness

Yesterday I overheard a conversation about forgiveness: what it is, why we do it, what it costs us to do or not do it. But what do you do if it's not a person you can't forgive, but rather a situation? Like many women going through this, I struggle to forgive the situation of my infertility. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am holding a grudge. Again, like many women on this journey, I think I struggle to forgive myself because I feel like the responsible party. I am the one to blame. I mean, the facts are pretty cut and dry, my husband checks out fine and I am the one a broken mess; an utter disgrace to what it means to be a woman. How could it not be my fault? People often ask me if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband were the one with the issues, would I place blame on him? Well, the answer is of course not. I would never do to others what I am doing myself. I guess the saying is true that often times we are our own worst enemy. No matter how many times my husband assures me that I am not to blame; no matter how much it upsets him to know I think and feel these things, I just can't seem to stop beating myself up. So, how do I forgive the situation we're in, and my feelings of personal responsibility, when I am struggling so much to do so? Just some food for thought.

Just a quick update: I am 10dpiui now and not really feeling much of anything. I have noticed my breasts being a little sore first thing in the morning and some at night, but I contribute that to progesterone. Honestly, It feels no different than the breast tenderness I get before AF. They say period symptoms and early pregnancy symptoms feel about the same, but I dunno. I am afraid to hope at this point. The menstrual-like cramps I have been feeling since IUI have about gone and this makes me very nervous, as they usually go away right before my period starts and then come back. I have heard that many women experience lots of CM before getting their BFP, but I have virtually nothing going on down there, which again makes me think AF is on her way. Then again, I never have much in the way of CM anyway, so maybe that's not an indicator for me. I know many women have tested as early as 10dpiui and gotten their BFP, but I just can't take that chance. I am much too afraid. Still have not heard back about my progesterone level. I called and left a message with the nurse so hopefully she will get back to me by the end of the day. I realize that those numbers don't indicate pregnancy either way, but I would still like to know if there's even a CHANCE I could be pregnant. I am not really concerned about the results because I ovulated every time on the lowest dosage of Clomid, So I'm pretty sure that with the injectables being so much more aggressive, plus the fact that I had at least two mature follicles, ovulation was a sure thing. Of course, now I wonder if I'm jinxing the hell out of myself by saying that... 

9DPIUI

I have become notoriously bad about updating this blog. I can't tell you how many times over the past two months I have gone to post something and suddenly just stopped.  I know it's therapeutic to get your feelings out, but with all that's been going on, I just haven't felt like putting any energy into writing things down. As terrible as it is to say, I just haven't cared to share the contents of my struggle with the world. I am 9dpiui and rapidly losing hope. I have been having AF symptoms since the day of IUI, and they seem to be getting stronger now. I am still waiting on a call about my progesterone results, but I'm wondering now if it even matters what they are. All I can say is, it's a good thing I've been seeing the therapist at the clinic since February, because I have a feeling that if this turns out to be a bust I'm going to need her. Oh, and did I mention that I am supposed to test on April 8th? That's two days before my 30th birthday. Can we say DISASTER?! The timing could not be more wrong. And that's if I even get to test, assuming AF hasn't reared her ugly head before then. This could be the most epic of birthdays or the suckiest. I could not think of a better way to ring in my 30s. What an awesome gift for both me and my hubby (his is 10 days after mine, the 20th), but sadly, I don't think it is to be. I know many of you would probably say, "well, it's just your first IUI and the first one doesn't always work" (my friend was one of the fortunate ones who got pregnant the first go-round). The thing is, if this didn't work, I will have a really hard time understanding WHY?! Everything was perfect. I responded to the meds beautifully and had at least two mature follicles (probably more by the time we did IUI because there were a few on the cusp. Husband's sperm count was off the charts. 100 million post-wash with 78% motility, to be exact. I mean, you;d think with putting the sperm right into the uterus they don't even have to do much work, just swim up to the fallopian tube to a waiting egg, and VOILA! You'd think it be a sure thing. How could it go wrong?! I have read about women who got pregnant with much lower numbers, and women who failed to get pregnant with higher ones, so I guess it really is just the luck of the draw. Either way, it sucks not to have any control over the outcome of this. I think that's what sucks about infertility in general, THE. COMPLETE. LACK. OF. CONTROL. We put all our hearts, time, and money into this, without the reassurance that there will be a payoff. My RE cautioned us that although everything looks perfect, there is no guarantee of success. I really couldn't have hoped for a more supportive team, but truthfully I can't wait for the day when I never have to see these people again. Trigger tested out 8 days post. I did that just so I could finally say I know what a positive looks like. At least now I know my hoard of tests actually work. I'm afraid those may be the only positives I'll ever see and they weren't even real. I know many women will continue testing even after trigger is gone, but I just don't think I could put myself through that torture. I don't think I will test at all, but instead wait to see if AF comes. Since the day of the IUI I have been scouring internet message boards analyzing every twinge, every symptom, or lack thereof. I am actually thinking of joining some of these boards because I really need the support. I mean, I have a friend or two that also have the misfortune of being members of the IF club, but it would be nice to have the support of ladies going through it right along with me. I am absolutely terrified. The thought of going through all of this again is exhausting; the nightly injections, the almost daily blood work and ultrasounds. By the end, I was starting to feel like we actually lived at the clinic, not to mention that with the constant poking and prodding, I was beginning to feel like a human pin cushion or some warped version of a lab rat. If this one didn't work, RE said we can only do 3 more cycles before moving on to IVF. If there is one positive note I could end on, the IUI itself was a cinch. I had read horror stories about it, but it was painless and easily the simplest procedure I've ever endured; and I usually have an issue with pelvic exams. I think there is certain amount of loss that comes with ditching timed intercourse and moving on to more invasive measures. There is certainly a grieving process in knowing that my husband and I will likely never conceive a baby the "natural" way; the way all our friends and family members do and take for granted. There is a sense of resentment and bitterness that  comes with conception no loner being a private act of love between partners, but now a very public endeavor surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses. All I can say is, I really hope this works.

So This is What Infertility Looks Like...

Yikes! I nearly had a panic attack just unpacking all of this.

Laparoscopy

On the 29th I am scheduled to have a laparoscopy. I am having a paratubal cyst removed, and dye injected to check for any blockages in my tubes. So what am I in for? My RE explained it, but I would rather here from someone who has been through it. Is it weird to say I am kinda hoping for a blockage? At least that would explain why the Clomid wasn't successful. (it was successful in the sense that I ovulated every time, but not so in the sense that it never resulted in pregnancy). No blockage means no explanation and that is far worse. This is all being done as a precursor to starting injections. Wish me luck!

In other news, Hubby and I have been on a diet for 3 weeks now. Mainly just cutting down on cabs and sugar, drinking lots of water, etc. I even went back on my prenatal vitamin.  I don't think either of us have really shed any pounds yet, but we both can tell a major difference in how we feel now that we are no longer polluting our bodies with fast food and junk. That alone makes it all worth while to me. I am hoping that losing even 5% to 10% of my body weight will help these fertility treatments be successful.

Anyone have a story about how losing weight helped them to finally conceive? I would love to hear from my fellow PCOS ladies especially, as I know what a challenge it can be to drop pounds with this diagnosis.

Wow, what do you do when your blog isn't even a safe place anymore? This blog used to be my safe haven from all the "fertiles" of the world, but now it seems that my entire reading list is filled with new mommies or those that are currently pregnant. Not to sound harsh. I am immensely happy for each one of you lovely ladies and know how much you deserve it and all the pain, heartache, disappointments, and setbacks each of you have endured to achieve your dream of motherhood. Still though, I can't help but wonder why I keep getting skipped over. When is it going to finally be my turn? Am I not as worthy and deserving as each of you? Have I not met my quota on pain, heartache, disappointments, and failures?

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. It's sad to think that the last two years of our marriage have been spent TTC. It's also scary to realize that if I don't get pregnant soon, we will be coming upon the 3 year mark. How deeply depressing is that? I also had the sudden realization the other day that this January marks a year with the fertility clinic. A year and no progress? Again with the depressing....

 As most of you probably don't know, because who reads this? I did the max 6 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid. so that part of treatment is over and done with. I am waiting to start injections now. It has been a hassle trying to get records from my ob/gyn about whether my FTs were ever evaluated. Finally I got fed up and called the hospital where the the procedure was done and they have the records there. All I have to do is go up and sign a release and they will send the information to the clinic. So that has been the hold up as far as starting the shots. They are trying to keep me from going through the HSG if I don't have to, so hopefully the findings of the hysteroscopy will be enough to go on...

Recently, I have been watching shows like, I'm Having Their Baby and The Baby Wait ( I know, am I crazy or what?!), and it really makes me want to adopt. I want to be a mother now and am tired of waiting. Shows like this may be guilty of glamorizing adoption to a degree, but they have helped me to realize that biological or not, as soon as a baby is placed in a loving couple's arms (and often times even before), the love felt is instant. Of course, I want a child that shares our DNA, that is biologically and genetically ours. I want to go through the experience of pregnancy and all the ups and downs that come with it. I want all of these things and I still hold great hope that they will come to be, but if they do not, I have realized adoption is an option and would not be such a terrible thing. I know that I could love an adopted child just as much as one that grew in my belly for 9 months. I've realized that there is more than one path to creating a family and that some of us take the less-conventional route; not often by choice. I have realized that adoption is something I may want to pursue, regardless of whether or not we have biological children. At the end of the day, I wish to be a mother with a child to love, guide, and teach. We know it's on the table but DH and I both agree that we want to get a little further in this process and see what happens. I am still very much hoping for a success there. I know DH and I will be wonderful parents, however it comes about.