Negative.

First of all, I want to say I appreciate everyone who weighed in on my decision to test. Ultimately, I decided to go ahead with it anyway (didn't you see that coming? lol. We ask others for their opinion but really we already have our mind made up....). As you can surmise from the title of this post, the result wasn't positive. I was so sure I was pregnant given the symptoms I have been having, but as the clock ticked down to the 5 minute mark, I began to have my doubts. I looked at the test after 5 minutes and saw only one line (it's as if that one line was mocking me). I peered at the test closely, examining it in the light, turning it this way and that in the hopes that maybe there was a very faint line I didn't see...nothing. BFN. I'm not gonna say it didn't hurt, I think it always hurts no matter what. This is the first HPT I have taken since, wow, April or something like that, so of course I was hoping for a BFP! Surprisingly, though, I'm handling it better than I thought I would. I really think I'm okay this time. I got a +OPK yesterday and that still gives me a lot of hope. I will be testing again today to see if we can go two-for-two. I'm not out of the game yet!

As for my symptoms, maybe it is the Met, or a stomach bug? Symptoms of ovulation? Who knows. Yesterday I only took two doses of the Met. I was so sick last night that I just couldn't bring myself to take the third dose. I am going to give it through the weekend and if I am still feeling this craptastic on Monday I will be calling Dr. C. to see if we can't do something different. I have heard that the ER tablets lessen side-effects, maybe we should give those a whirl? Either way, I don't want to give up on the Met because it is clearly doing something right! I just don't understand why it would be affecting me so badly now. I guess maybe because it has had time to build up in my system now and my body is not handling the 1500mg dosage very well? Again, who knows...If need be I will step back on the dosage until things calm down.

 We are having a birthday dinner for my aunt's 50th tonight. I really hope I can manage to eat something (and keep it down, and not have to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes). I really have just had zero appetite the last few days, I don't know what's going on. I didn't puke again last night (thank God). Felt like I was going to but it never happened, just nausea (and lots of trips to the bathroom). I really hope I start feeling better soon! =/

Disbelief!

Okay, so I took an OPK a little bit ago and got a positive! I mean, the line showed up almost immediately, before the control line had even completely formed! I just can't believe it! I was talking to a few girlfriends today (telling them about last night's puke fiasco), when they both suggested that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead and take an HPT just to see. Haven't experienced any more pukage (thank God!) but all day today I have still felt nauseous and just generally unwell; haven't even felt like eating anything. I didn't want to take an HPT yet because I figured it would be best to wait it out and see if AF shows. Plus, I just didn't want to deal with disappointment of seeing a BFN right now. I have been doing some research and apparently an OPK can detect HCG as well. Since the positive came up so rapidly, is there a chance that I could be pregnant?! Should I test in the morning?!

Even if I'm not pregnant this is still wonderful news. A positive OPK is, for me, a cause for celebration! At least now I can know that the Met may be working. There is no way I would ever be able to repay my OB/GYN for all the help he has given; such a wonderful man! I am still shaking and can't believe it. I took a picture of the strip and texted it to DH. lol. I called him and started crying I was so happy. I may not be pregnant, but I am still beyond thrilled to have my first every positive OPK. Even if I turn out not to be pregnant, at least I now know that pregnancy is possible and that means the world to me! Some of you may be thinking, "what's the big deal?" But speaking as someone who doesn't ovulate, it is a HUGE deal to me! I feel as though I could break out into song or shout it from the roof tops! Now we have a real chance of actually getting pregnant! For the first tine in a while, I have hope again and I feel good!  

So, to test or not test? I should also mention that I have felt really hot today and for the last few days I have had cramping and discomfort in my lower abdomen like my period may start but it hasn't. Could these be pregnancy symptoms or just normal signs of ovulation? I have a hard time believing it could be so easy, but at the same time, I want so badly to believe. Of course, I have so certain before and been let down so who knows really. Don't want to think negatively though. I am still astonished at how quickly that positive came up!

Bad Night...

 So, last night around 4am, I woke up and suddenly started puking. It came without warning, so I puked all over my lap (I know, gross, right?!). Talk about a rude awakening! Thankfully, I didn't have much for dinner or it probably would have been a lot worse! And we had chicken, so I very much doubt that's what made me sick (plus, DH was fine). I still feel like crap ran over today, but thankfully, no more puking so far. I wonder if it could have been the Met that did it? Though, I have been on Met for about a month now and it has never made me puke, so why would it start now? I was a little behind on my dose yesterday, so I took two at lunch instead of the one, but that's the only thing I did differently. I know that a lot of women choose to take their full dose at once and it doesn't make them sick. And if that was it, I think I would have gotten sick waaaay before 4 in the morning. So, I took my dose with breakfast (even though I reeeeaaallly didn't want to), just hoping it stays down. Fingers crossed! So, ladies who have taken Met, has it ever made you vomit? I read that if Met causes vomiting it should be discontinued, as it could be a sign of a potentially serious side-effect. I will just wait and see if it happens again. Though, I really don't think it was the Met that made me sick. Like I said, I've been on the stuff for almost a month now and so far all it has done is cause stomach issues; maybe a little nausea here and there, but never vomiting. If it continues, though, I will definitely be putting in a call to my OB/GYN.  

And then there's the question that every TTCer asks, "could I be pregnant?" I gotta admit, when I woke up and started puking, this is the first thing that popped into my head. Obviously, if I'm going to puke, I would love it to be because I'm pregnant. It's definitely possible. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. But I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up...

P.S. Forgot to mention that last night I had a dream DH and I had triplets, all boys. What is with these crazy dreams I keep having?!

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes...

 I often sit daydreaming about the day I finally do get my BFP; I think of how happy I’ll be. How I’ll squeal and run to my husband with arms outstretched; tears of happiness and utter joy streaming down my face as I leap into his arms. I'll spend hours on the phone breaking the happy news to friends and loved ones and everyone will be so happy and excited for us. Cinderella said that in dreams we lose our heartaches. Well, I think she forgot to mention the part where you wake from a dream and realize it’s not real only to have that feeling of your heart being ripped from your chest. Over and over I have the same dream; the dream that I am either expecting or in active labor. It always feels so real, so vivid. Once in the dream we were bringing our baby (a boy) home from the hospital; he had a full head of dark hair just like his father. We were so happy, and then I woke in tears and heartbroken to find it wasn’t true. I wonder, when will I meet this child I so often dream of? Will it ever become reality? Sometimes I fear it will never be anything more than a fantasy. I hope to make my BFP announcement soon!

Happy Friday!!!

I hope I did not offend anybody with yesterday's post. It was not intended for anyone in blogland, but was referring to some acquaintances IRL. So, for any pregnant ladies that may read this, please know that I was NOT in any way referring to you.  I know you ladies are so grateful for the blessing(s) you've been given and I've no doubt you will be wonderful mothers.

Moving on, DH and my brothers-in-law finished painting the house yesterday. DH is taking me by there when he gets home from work. I am soooo excited to see the end result! We chose a nice yellow (Spun Honey) for the nursery. It's not a super intense yellow but just yellow enough. Yellow is a neutral shade, right? It should look  like this:

So, what do you think? I am dying from the anticipation and really hope it lives up to expectations and I am happy with it; I'm sure I will be. I'm sure DH hopes so, too, after all his hard work yesterday. LOL. He left around 8 yesterday morning and I did not see him again until around 8 last night. He even took two vacation days just to finish all of this up. Bless him for working so hard! Anyways, I will be sure to let you all know my verdict on the color (and the rest of the house, too). =] Now all we need is to get our carpet installed and then we can start moving stuff in. Oh, happy day! No more storage bill! Our belongings have been in storage so long I honestly think I've forgotten what all we have. I'll be like a kid at Christmas! We are probably going to go this weekend to set up an appointment for the carpet install. Tomorrow we are going shopping for a bed and possibly a  TV stand. Gotta be a sturdy one for our 60'' monster! I have a feeling I am going to be really picky when it comes to selecting a bed. A comfy one is an absolute must for all the baby-making! If I have to lie down on a thousand mattresses to find the right one that's what I'll do! Heh, I'll be like Goldilocks. LOL.

In other news, still using the OPKs and still haven't gotten a positive. I think the line is darker, but still no positive yet. I keep telling myself not to get discouraged as it may take a while for the Met to start working. I am still taking it three times a day and doing okay, although yesterday I had one really NOT fun episode, but that's all I'll say about that...

Happy Friday and hope everyone has a great weekend!!! =]

What I Wouldn't Give....

Ya know, it's funny, I hear so many pregnant women and mothers complaining of morning sickness, nausea, vomiting, weight gain and swelling, lack of sleep from being up all night with a crying/colic-y child. How ironic is it that I would give absolutely anything to be in their place? Do these women not realize just how LUCKY they are? I really think it's insensitive to complain so much, when there are those of us listening who want those "inconveniences" more than anything in the world. Just because it was easy for you to get pregnant, doesn't mean you should assume it is that easy for all women. And ya know, perhaps I shouldn't even be so mad. Perhaps it is because it was so easy for these women, that they are now able to take what they have for granted. They do not know any other way, after all. They have not experienced the heartache, the constant pain of BFNs and negative OPKs month-after-month. They do not have to take meds every day in the hopes that it may help their dream come true. I know one thing, though. I will vomit with a smile on my face and be happy to look like a Good Year blimp when I finally do get my dream.

To OPK or not to OPK?

Forgot to mention in my previous post that I am now taking 1500mg of Met as of Friday. After a week of OPKs, I still have yet to receive a positive. I wonder if I should even continue testing right now? Seeing a constant string of negatives day after day has me really stressed and upset, not to mention downright frustrated and discouraged! Maybe I should just forget about the OPKs for now, BD as much as possible, and hope for the best! The problem with that, though, is that with everything going on right now (trying to fix up and get moved into our house), there hasn't been a lot of time for BDing. DH has a lot on his plate right now and it's just a stressful time with us trying to get moved in. There is just so much going on. Which is why I question my need for the added stress of dealing with OPKs right now? Every time we BD I have the hope that maybe, just maybe, this was the one and I could be pregnant. It feels good to have that possibility again, whereas when I was on BCP for 3 months, I did not have that at all. I try to hang on to that hope, be positive and optimistic, but then I see the OPK staring back at me in all it's negative glory and it's like all that happiness just goes out the window. It then becomes very hard to deny the fact that a pregnancy just isn't likely. I think that right now I need to minimize my stress and focus on the positives. I need to keep those feelings of hope, of possibility, because right now they are all I have, not to mention they are the only things keeping me from going insane! At this point I would rather live in ignorance and believe a pregnancy is possible, rather than have clear evidence to the contrary staring me in the face, waiting to dash the comforting illusions I have created for myself. Every time DH and I BD, I like to believe, to fantasize, that I am PUPO. This belief, this sense of hope, of possibility, is my coping mechanism right now. It's what is getting me through. So, I question whether the OPKs are really worth it right now? Should I take a break and just ditch them if it is becoming too much? Yes, I know I have only OPKd for a week, and that I have only been on the Met for 3 weeks. I know that Met may not work right away and that it may not even work the first month. I know that the Met may not work at all for me and that I may need to take Clomid in conjunction with it, but to want something so badly and not get the results you want is frustrating. I realize that I am probably being all kinds of irrational right now but I can't help it. I guess it all boils down to what I need more, and right now I think what I need most is that sense of hope, of possibility.