Okay, AF....you lied!

Now on day 6 of my period. I thought you were going away, but yet here you are still hanging around. Ugh, why can't you just leave me alone?! You trickster, you! Talk about an unwelcome visitor! No woman TTC is ever happy to see her period. Especially not one that continues to hang and hang around! Yep, I think it's fair to say you've worn out your welcome. I appreciate that you eased up on the annoying cramps, but I want your bags packed and outta here by tomorrow!

Tired....

Tired of waiting, tired of wasting time. I am drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just turned 28. In a few days DH will turn 31. Did we wait too long to start trying? I don't even want to think about how being 28 affects my fertility. Yes, I know it's not that bad. I know there are women well into their 40s successfully conceiving, and with the advancements in medical technology, it now seems that almost anything is possible. Still though, I can't help but wonder if we would have stood a better chance if we'd started trying when I was 25. Would things be different now if we had? These are the questions I ask myself every day; constantly worrying and second-guessing myself. I don't think DH has much to worry about. He will always have sperm. Hell, he could be 70 and still knock someone up! Me though...I was born with all the eggs I am ever going to have. What if at 28 they are already drying up?! What if I can never give my husband the child I so desperately want to give him? I am plagued with doubt, shame, and guilt. Will this just end up being another in a long line of ways I have failed him? I hope not. I know he would never leave me, but I certainly wouldn't blame him if one day he decided to. Our relationship is strong. We are not only husband and wife, but best friends as well. Still though, I can't help but worry that if we don't get our happy ending, he will someday resent me for what I couldn't give him. Already I feel like I'm holding him back and I hate it! Meanwhile, I am doing everything in my power to ensure we achieve our dream. I know he knows this, but every time he is with our little niece, I see how much he wants a child of his own. I get a glimpse of the wonderful father he will be and it breaks my heart. I know he is strong and supportive and optimistic for me, but I can't help but wonder if deep down it bothers him more than he lets on?  I know we are only in the beginning stages of our journey, and I am nowhere near ready to give up because if there's one thing I am it's a fighter!

Apparently this was a pity-party post, but at least it took on a positive tone there at the end. All is not lost. :)

The Calm...

Now on day five of my period, this is the first morning I have woken up without immediately needing to reach for an Advil. It also seems that my flow is a bit lighter today...I hope! And thankfully I haven't seen anymore big clots since the first day. Looks like I won't be needing to call my doc after all. I should be fine until my appointment next month. I am just hoping Aunt Flow will be completely gone in the next day or two...five days is enough! So much for BC making my periods lighter and shorter....

Period from hell strikes again!

Okay, so at least I know the BC is working and doing its job, but I am bleeding really heavily and having bad cramps. I thought BC was supposed to make periods lighter and shorter? At least from what I remember...but this doesn't appear to be doing that. I am wonder if it is so heavy because this is the first period I have had since my D&C and hysteroscopy procedure? On the first day of my period I got really freaked out. I began passing large clotty tissue-y looking things (I know, TMI). In all my years of dealing with a period, I have never seen anything like this. I called my DH in to look at it (because I was so freaked) and even he thought it was gross! I was going to call my OB/GYN but I only saw it twice the first day and no more since (Thank God), so I think I will just wait and bring it up at my appointment. I don't think it's an infection because I didn't have a fever or anything. I just had bad stomach cramps and once the "thing" passed I felt much better. I just assume it was left over "stuff" from my procedure (gross I know), and nothing to be overly-concerned about...I hope! Doc said my uterus was perfect and it better stay that way! I've read horror stories about the D&C causing scarring to the uterus and even making infertility worse for some women...which is ironic considering it's supposed to help you achieve pregnancy!  Oh well, I made a note of it as well as my heavy period and will be discussing it with my doc when I go back in less than a month. Maybe next month will not be so bad...here's hoping!

I am so over BC...I am ready to move on. Being on it makes me sad and depressed because I hate that hubby and I are missing out on potential "baby-making" time and that while I am on it I have virtually zero chance of getting pregnant. I know I only have one more month to go..but still. 

Wonderful news to report!

No, I'm not pregnant..yet, but I do have great news...they accepted our offer on the house! Yep, that's right. Can you believe it?! And the best part is that we received the news just days shy of my birthday, which is exactly what I was hoping for! Think this will make turning 28 on Sunday a little easier? LOL. I predict this will be the best, most memorable birthday ever, for both me and my love (his is in April, too)! The only thing that could possibly make it better is to find out I'm pregnant, but I just Knoooow that is in our very near future! Hubby and I are both soooooo excited! Can't believe how blessed we are! When I think about where we were even a few months ago compared to where we are now; it just goes to show that when times are tough they will not stay that way forever - one just has to have faith that things WILL get better! After two years of being stuck we're finally moving in the right direction. What an indescribably wonderful feeling! I guess now we can really start planning for the house...which means that I am free to let my imagination run wild with decorating ideas, etc! Before now I was cautiously optimistic, trying not to let myself get too excited or invested, but now that it's official there is no stopping me! LOL. I am taking this great news as a sign of other wonderful things soon to come in our lives. In a few days I will begin my last month of BC before returning to the OB/GYN in May. I am taking this good fortunate as a sign that a pregnancy will be right around the corner...God willing! I really believe that with what doc is going to be giving me for ovulation, plus moving into our house, I should get pregnant soon after...I mean it couldn't be more perfect! A baby is the only thing that could make us happier than we are right now...it's the piece we're waiting for to complete our lives!

And it happens again...ugh!

Seriously, If another woman on FB announces that she is pregnant I am going to gouge my eyes out. I don't mean to come off all homicidal and bitchy, but every time I see this it just hurts my heart; deep, deep, down. I can't help but wonder, when is it going to be MY turn?! :( 

Really?!

I knew it! Some jackass on FB just had to announce that they were pregnant as an April Fool's joke! Guess what people, IT'S NOT FUNNY!!! Never joke about being pregnant around a woman TTC! And here I'd hoped I could make it through this day without being subjected to crap like that...should have known better! Ugh! I should just stay away from the internet today...