IUI #2

I'm a few days behind on posting but had my 2nd IUI on June 5th at 1030(ish) AM. This one was quite a different experience than the first. I found the whole thing to be uncomfortable and even painful at times. Not completely unbearable, but not a theme park ride either. For starters, there were some difficulties finding the right speculum. I believe my RE had to try 3 before finding the right one (ouch!). I felt a little like GoldieLocks in search of that perfect bowl or porridge. Then came the catheter insertion. Let me just say that this did NOT go as seamless or as smoothly as last time. Well, first he used this long Q-tip thing to clean my cervix (I am guessing to clear away any CM that may have been blocking the way??). Then came the catheter and I could tell he was having a little bit of trouble getting it through. I then experienced what was the worst cramp I've ever had! Not a menstrual cramp, more like a uterine contraction! It only lasted a few seconds but was pretty intense! I wish someone had warned me of this.

I am concerned given that this time around was so much more uncomfortable, did we perhaps miss the timing? I've always read that it's best for your cervix to be open as possible on IUI day, and I don't think mine was that cooperative. Also (TMI ALERT!), I had no CM at all. I had plenty on the days leading up to IUI, probably the result of Follistim and rising E2 levels), but none on the day. Of course, I'm guess there had to be something up there if he needed to use a Q-tip thingie, right?? Plus, I used a trigger shot (Novarel) which is supposed to guarantee ovulation 36-40 hours later, right?? I had my IUI performed at 40(ish) hours post trigger. Seems kinda long to me in comparison to what I've read of other experiences, but I guess they can control it pretty well with all the meds (I hope). It sucks to think the timing may have been off but I am really trying not to be negative.

So now I am 2dpiui and just like last time, feeling crampy. I'm also experiencing breast tenderness but I of course attribute this to HCG and rising progesterone. We are leaving for a cruise Monday so that should help distract me from symptom spotting! Hoping the 2nd time is the charm!

Well, we'll be moving ahead with our 2nd IUI attempt. Today's ultrasound showed two nice, big follicles - I think it was17mm on one side, 19mm on the other . Triggering tonight at 6:30 then doing IUI Wednesday at 10:30 (9:30 for collection). I really hope we are successful this time around!

E2 level is up from 95 to 337 after today's blood work- quite a leap! Have to go back tomorrow at 8am for more BW and first ultrasound, which will hopefully show some nice follies. I know something is definitely happening in there because I am feeling a lot of pelvic discomfort, particularly on the right side - hoping this is a good sign of things to come! If we can get at least two potential babies from this I will be one happy girl (even happier if this one takes, of course)! I am hoping that they will see lots of progress tomorrow and we can get moving on the IUI! DH and I are supposed to be leaving for a cruise on the 10th, and right now it's up in the air as to whether we will be able to go or not. I hope everything works out just right!

Help! I am in the process of my 2nd IUI cycle with injections (Follistim). I had my first blood draw today (after 4 days of stims) and my e2 level was 95. The nurse tells me that this is a perfectly acceptable number (for someone of my diagnosis, PCOS) and that my RE wishes to take it slow so as not to overstimulate me. Fine, I get that. The problem is I seem to recall that with the previous cycle my first blood draw was much higher after 4 days of stims. Unfortunately, I did not write anything down last time so I don't have a point of reference. When I expressed this to the nurse she just said no and that was it. I wanted to ask her to look at the numbers of my previous cycle for comparison, but I felt she was rushing me off the phone so I didn't bother.  My usual nurse is out on vacation so I am relying on the nurse of the other RE, whom I have never dealt with and after talking with her, do not care for. When I tried to express my concerns or ask a question she would simply interrupt or talk over me, so the phone call ended with none of my questions answered and me feeling very anxious and confused. All I was told was to return Sunday morning for another blood draw, and continue at the 75iu for the next two nights. I know everyone is different and every cycle is different, but to those who have done stim cycles, does this sound like an acceptable range? I am terrified that I'm not responding properly and am looking for some reassurance that I did not receive any from the nurse.

11dpiui

Well, nurse finally called with my results late yesterday afternoon. I didn't get the exact number but she said my progesterone level was over 40 which is very promising. She said I could test Sunday or Monday but I'm thinking that won't even be necessary. My sore breasts have all but disappeared which means my progesterone has dropped and AF is likely on her way. Add to that the fact that i went to the bathroom this morning and saw brownish CM on the TP. I know better than to think it could be implantation bleeding. I have hoped for this before and it ALWAYS ends up being the start of AF for me. Somehow I don't think this cycle will be any different. Especially since I triggered on CD9, so this is likely just an early period for me. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this cycle did not work. I am trying not to cry right now as I sit here writing this. I just don't understand why it didn't work. I guess my only course of action now is praying that there are no cysts and we can quickly move on to the next attempt. I am just so devastated.

Forgiveness

Yesterday I overheard a conversation about forgiveness: what it is, why we do it, what it costs us to do or not do it. But what do you do if it's not a person you can't forgive, but rather a situation? Like many women going through this, I struggle to forgive the situation of my infertility. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am holding a grudge. Again, like many women on this journey, I think I struggle to forgive myself because I feel like the responsible party. I am the one to blame. I mean, the facts are pretty cut and dry, my husband checks out fine and I am the one a broken mess; an utter disgrace to what it means to be a woman. How could it not be my fault? People often ask me if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband were the one with the issues, would I place blame on him? Well, the answer is of course not. I would never do to others what I am doing myself. I guess the saying is true that often times we are our own worst enemy. No matter how many times my husband assures me that I am not to blame; no matter how much it upsets him to know I think and feel these things, I just can't seem to stop beating myself up. So, how do I forgive the situation we're in, and my feelings of personal responsibility, when I am struggling so much to do so? Just some food for thought.

Just a quick update: I am 10dpiui now and not really feeling much of anything. I have noticed my breasts being a little sore first thing in the morning and some at night, but I contribute that to progesterone. Honestly, It feels no different than the breast tenderness I get before AF. They say period symptoms and early pregnancy symptoms feel about the same, but I dunno. I am afraid to hope at this point. The menstrual-like cramps I have been feeling since IUI have about gone and this makes me very nervous, as they usually go away right before my period starts and then come back. I have heard that many women experience lots of CM before getting their BFP, but I have virtually nothing going on down there, which again makes me think AF is on her way. Then again, I never have much in the way of CM anyway, so maybe that's not an indicator for me. I know many women have tested as early as 10dpiui and gotten their BFP, but I just can't take that chance. I am much too afraid. Still have not heard back about my progesterone level. I called and left a message with the nurse so hopefully she will get back to me by the end of the day. I realize that those numbers don't indicate pregnancy either way, but I would still like to know if there's even a CHANCE I could be pregnant. I am not really concerned about the results because I ovulated every time on the lowest dosage of Clomid, So I'm pretty sure that with the injectables being so much more aggressive, plus the fact that I had at least two mature follicles, ovulation was a sure thing. Of course, now I wonder if I'm jinxing the hell out of myself by saying that... 

9DPIUI

I have become notoriously bad about updating this blog. I can't tell you how many times over the past two months I have gone to post something and suddenly just stopped.  I know it's therapeutic to get your feelings out, but with all that's been going on, I just haven't felt like putting any energy into writing things down. As terrible as it is to say, I just haven't cared to share the contents of my struggle with the world. I am 9dpiui and rapidly losing hope. I have been having AF symptoms since the day of IUI, and they seem to be getting stronger now. I am still waiting on a call about my progesterone results, but I'm wondering now if it even matters what they are. All I can say is, it's a good thing I've been seeing the therapist at the clinic since February, because I have a feeling that if this turns out to be a bust I'm going to need her. Oh, and did I mention that I am supposed to test on April 8th? That's two days before my 30th birthday. Can we say DISASTER?! The timing could not be more wrong. And that's if I even get to test, assuming AF hasn't reared her ugly head before then. This could be the most epic of birthdays or the suckiest. I could not think of a better way to ring in my 30s. What an awesome gift for both me and my hubby (his is 10 days after mine, the 20th), but sadly, I don't think it is to be. I know many of you would probably say, "well, it's just your first IUI and the first one doesn't always work" (my friend was one of the fortunate ones who got pregnant the first go-round). The thing is, if this didn't work, I will have a really hard time understanding WHY?! Everything was perfect. I responded to the meds beautifully and had at least two mature follicles (probably more by the time we did IUI because there were a few on the cusp. Husband's sperm count was off the charts. 100 million post-wash with 78% motility, to be exact. I mean, you;d think with putting the sperm right into the uterus they don't even have to do much work, just swim up to the fallopian tube to a waiting egg, and VOILA! You'd think it be a sure thing. How could it go wrong?! I have read about women who got pregnant with much lower numbers, and women who failed to get pregnant with higher ones, so I guess it really is just the luck of the draw. Either way, it sucks not to have any control over the outcome of this. I think that's what sucks about infertility in general, THE. COMPLETE. LACK. OF. CONTROL. We put all our hearts, time, and money into this, without the reassurance that there will be a payoff. My RE cautioned us that although everything looks perfect, there is no guarantee of success. I really couldn't have hoped for a more supportive team, but truthfully I can't wait for the day when I never have to see these people again. Trigger tested out 8 days post. I did that just so I could finally say I know what a positive looks like. At least now I know my hoard of tests actually work. I'm afraid those may be the only positives I'll ever see and they weren't even real. I know many women will continue testing even after trigger is gone, but I just don't think I could put myself through that torture. I don't think I will test at all, but instead wait to see if AF comes. Since the day of the IUI I have been scouring internet message boards analyzing every twinge, every symptom, or lack thereof. I am actually thinking of joining some of these boards because I really need the support. I mean, I have a friend or two that also have the misfortune of being members of the IF club, but it would be nice to have the support of ladies going through it right along with me. I am absolutely terrified. The thought of going through all of this again is exhausting; the nightly injections, the almost daily blood work and ultrasounds. By the end, I was starting to feel like we actually lived at the clinic, not to mention that with the constant poking and prodding, I was beginning to feel like a human pin cushion or some warped version of a lab rat. If this one didn't work, RE said we can only do 3 more cycles before moving on to IVF. If there is one positive note I could end on, the IUI itself was a cinch. I had read horror stories about it, but it was painless and easily the simplest procedure I've ever endured; and I usually have an issue with pelvic exams. I think there is certain amount of loss that comes with ditching timed intercourse and moving on to more invasive measures. There is certainly a grieving process in knowing that my husband and I will likely never conceive a baby the "natural" way; the way all our friends and family members do and take for granted. There is a sense of resentment and bitterness that  comes with conception no loner being a private act of love between partners, but now a very public endeavor surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses. All I can say is, I really hope this works.

So This is What Infertility Looks Like...

Yikes! I nearly had a panic attack just unpacking all of this.

Laparoscopy

On the 29th I am scheduled to have a laparoscopy. I am having a paratubal cyst removed, and dye injected to check for any blockages in my tubes. So what am I in for? My RE explained it, but I would rather here from someone who has been through it. Is it weird to say I am kinda hoping for a blockage? At least that would explain why the Clomid wasn't successful. (it was successful in the sense that I ovulated every time, but not so in the sense that it never resulted in pregnancy). No blockage means no explanation and that is far worse. This is all being done as a precursor to starting injections. Wish me luck!

In other news, Hubby and I have been on a diet for 3 weeks now. Mainly just cutting down on cabs and sugar, drinking lots of water, etc. I even went back on my prenatal vitamin.  I don't think either of us have really shed any pounds yet, but we both can tell a major difference in how we feel now that we are no longer polluting our bodies with fast food and junk. That alone makes it all worth while to me. I am hoping that losing even 5% to 10% of my body weight will help these fertility treatments be successful.

Anyone have a story about how losing weight helped them to finally conceive? I would love to hear from my fellow PCOS ladies especially, as I know what a challenge it can be to drop pounds with this diagnosis.

Wow, what do you do when your blog isn't even a safe place anymore? This blog used to be my safe haven from all the "fertiles" of the world, but now it seems that my entire reading list is filled with new mommies or those that are currently pregnant. Not to sound harsh. I am immensely happy for each one of you lovely ladies and know how much you deserve it and all the pain, heartache, disappointments, and setbacks each of you have endured to achieve your dream of motherhood. Still though, I can't help but wonder why I keep getting skipped over. When is it going to finally be my turn? Am I not as worthy and deserving as each of you? Have I not met my quota on pain, heartache, disappointments, and failures?

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. It's sad to think that the last two years of our marriage have been spent TTC. It's also scary to realize that if I don't get pregnant soon, we will be coming upon the 3 year mark. How deeply depressing is that? I also had the sudden realization the other day that this January marks a year with the fertility clinic. A year and no progress? Again with the depressing....

 As most of you probably don't know, because who reads this? I did the max 6 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid. so that part of treatment is over and done with. I am waiting to start injections now. It has been a hassle trying to get records from my ob/gyn about whether my FTs were ever evaluated. Finally I got fed up and called the hospital where the the procedure was done and they have the records there. All I have to do is go up and sign a release and they will send the information to the clinic. So that has been the hold up as far as starting the shots. They are trying to keep me from going through the HSG if I don't have to, so hopefully the findings of the hysteroscopy will be enough to go on...

Recently, I have been watching shows like, I'm Having Their Baby and The Baby Wait ( I know, am I crazy or what?!), and it really makes me want to adopt. I want to be a mother now and am tired of waiting. Shows like this may be guilty of glamorizing adoption to a degree, but they have helped me to realize that biological or not, as soon as a baby is placed in a loving couple's arms (and often times even before), the love felt is instant. Of course, I want a child that shares our DNA, that is biologically and genetically ours. I want to go through the experience of pregnancy and all the ups and downs that come with it. I want all of these things and I still hold great hope that they will come to be, but if they do not, I have realized adoption is an option and would not be such a terrible thing. I know that I could love an adopted child just as much as one that grew in my belly for 9 months. I've realized that there is more than one path to creating a family and that some of us take the less-conventional route; not often by choice. I have realized that adoption is something I may want to pursue, regardless of whether or not we have biological children. At the end of the day, I wish to be a mother with a child to love, guide, and teach. We know it's on the table but DH and I both agree that we want to get a little further in this process and see what happens. I am still very much hoping for a success there. I know DH and I will be wonderful parents, however it comes about.

So not only do I feel like i've been ran over by a bus, I also started my period this morning. It's soooo wonderful beginning your day with tears. :(

On to the 6th and final round of clomid. Why are we bothering again?

Ok, so last night I started getting a stuffy nose. I consulted dr. Google again and found that a head cold can be a common early sign of pregnancy for many women. I also thought I was starting my period last night, but since then I have only experienced minimal spotting (brown in color), barely anything on the TP and nothing on the pad (TMI Alert!).

Could the head cold be a sign of pregnancy or completely coincidental? If it is just a cold, maybe that's what throwing AF off. Sure, I'm not bleeding now, but I know that could change at any moment (she is a trickster that AF).

I was going to try and hold out until at least CD35, but if it's still like this tomorrow should I go ahead and test? I am currently on CD31 and no idea when exactly I ovulated, only that I definitely did. It is also not unlike me to have some spotting before AF, so that may be all this is.

Maybe I am just wishing too hard for symptoms. Yes, I could be pregnant, but it also may just be a result of the changing season and me sleeping with the fan on at night (lol).

Did any of you experience a stuffy nose before you found out you were pregnant? I just feel generally blah with a stuffy nose and maybe a slight fever but no other symptoms.

Help me out ladies!

Infertility in the Media

Show of hands, ladies, who would want this to be your RE? Not that attractiveness should be a priority when it comes to finding a highly qualified doctor to assist a couple in building their family.  I'm merely arguing that if we have to go through this anyway, shouldn't we at least be allowed something pretty to look at to help us through the process? Is that too much to ask? lol. Fertility doctors do not look like this in real life. My RE is an old guy with glasses (but he is highly skilled and accomplished in assisted reproduction and that's what matters. He doesn't need to be a pretty face to help my husband and I get our miracle baby. In fact, my husband is probably glad he isn't a pretty face. lol.). My point with all this is, TV glamorizes everything. Private Practice, in my opinion, is pretty good when it comes to a realistic portrayal of the pain of infertility, but c'mon, the doctors are waaaaay too good looking. So not realistic. lol. Then again, it is television, why have reality when we can enjoy the fantasy?

I was watching a show yesterday about infertility and this woman and her husband had been trying like crazy for 7 years to have a child. They had suffered numerous failed IVFs and eventually they lost their home and she lost her job due to all the treatments. If an employer fires someone because of fertility treatments, wouldn't that be an act of discrimination? My heart just bleeds for this couple. The show offered them a free round of IVF and I really hope it works for them! It is terrifying to think that my husband and I could still be at this 5 years from now. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

What portrayals of infertility, realistic or otherwise, have you spotted in the media?

Just a quick update, I am now on CD 29. This is when I started last month but so far no sign of AF. I am super paranoid every time I go to the restroom. Hopefully she'll stay away for the right reasons! My IF nurse said I could test Monday, but I'm going to try to hold out until at least CD35 if AF hasn't shown.  Where many women are obsessed with POAS during the TWW, I am terrified of doing so too early and suffering that disappointment of a BFN if AF is just gonna show anyway. Why go there if I don't have to? It's hard enough as it is.

I've had no symptoms other than the typical AF symptoms. My breasts were sore for a few days but I attribute that to the high progesterone. The really strange thing is, early this week I felt like I was coming down with something. It lasted only a day or two and then was gone. I googled cold symptoms and sure enough they can be a sign of pregnancy. Dr. Google is really not a friend when it comes to symptom spotting. Everything, and I mean everything, can be a sign of pregnancy.

Serum Progesterone level was 32 this time around. I know it doesn't mean anything because the time before last it was 26 and I still wasn't pregnant. Sadly, I don't think I am now either because it's CD26 and I already have symptoms of AF showing her ugly face. I only have one round of clomid left and then it's on to injectables. Honestly, I don't think the clomid is going to get it done, so we're pretty much just wasting time at this point. If the four rounds didn't work, what are the odds that the last two will be successful? Yeah, I don't have much hope. And did I mention we will be starting injectibles in December if everything remains on schedule? Wow, that is stressful all on it's own. Paying $800-$1,000 on meds right in the midst of the holiday spending frenzy. Crazy! Not to mention the fact that my husband will be giving me a shot in the bum every day. Did I mention I hate needles?! Oh, the things some of us endure for our children before we even have them. The way I see it, this kid's college fund is already being spent!

One thing I've realized, I'm tired of not having kids. I'm tired of my husband and I being the only ones at holidays and family functions without children of our own. I'm tired of being the one called upon to work on Halloween night so that everyone else can take their children trick-or-treating. "Oh yeah, let's ask the infertile with no kids to cover for us, she won't mind! After all, what better does she have to do?" I'm tired of making innocent posts on Facebook followed by women asking if I have caught their "condition." The way I see it, this is just your excuse to brag about the fact that you're pregnant and I'm not. Yeah, thanks for rubbing that in. I had nearly forgotten that my uterus is barren. Thanks for the reminder!

I have a friend who recently found out she is pregnant for the second time. She was actually seeing the same RE I'm seeing. It seems like it only took her a few months to get pregnant, less than a year. I know she really struggled to get pregnant the first time around and suffered multiple miscarriages before having her son. She and I both have PCOS. I don''t mean to sound heartless as I really an happy for her. Truly, no one deserves it more. I just can't help but feel, "why not me?" Why am I being lapped? Why am I the one always skipped over? Why is everyone pregnant before me? Can't it be my turn now? Just once, can't my husband and I be the ones in the spotlight? So now my friend has two little ones where I still have none. She was blessed before but is doubly blessed now. I'm sure she knows this, it just hurts that it's not me.

And I hate when fellow IFers seem to so quickly forget where they came from. I am not referring to my friend here, but sadly I know a few women who are this way. Maybe it's easy for me to say now, because I am still in the midst of all the pain and anguish that IF brings, but I plan to never forget the struggle that it took in bringing us to our unborn child. They say that if you have struggled through the heartbreak and disappointment of IF, you appreciate your children all the more. I believe this to be so true!

Well, the previous cycle was once again a bust. Though there is a silver lining I suppose (if there is one I will always find it). For ONCE, I was free and clear of cysts (not counting, of course, the ever present and annoying paratubal on left FT), and was given the go-ahead to begin my 4th round of Clomid 50mg. since we began treatment I have been in the one month on one month off pattern due to nasty cysts developing on my left ovary. Until now I have NEVER done two consecutive rounds of Clomid. Will this increase our chances? Will it make a difference? And so once again we find ourselves in the midst of that ever-persistent phenomenon known as hope. Following the disappointment of a failed cycle I swear to myself that I will never hope again; yet, without fail, I always find myself right back in the same place again; clinging to hope and daring to dream. I"ve no doubt many can relate to what I'm saying here. With each new cycle I think, "this will be the one...this is it." Only to have my positivity rewarded by the crushing weight of failure. I had the highest serum progesterone level I had ever had last cycle -26 to be exact. I took this as a promising sign but alas, it was not meant to be. They did an antral follicle count today at my ultrasound. I think they counted about 16 in each ovary. Are these good numbers? I really don't know much about the indications of antral follicle counts...

We also discussed the possibility of moving on to injectables soon. DH and I decided that because it is cheaper, we will finish out the remaining 3 rounds of Clomid and then move onto injectables if need be. We may not need them, but something tells me we probably will end up going that route. They are so expensive, though and we need to figure out how we will afford the cost and for how many rounds. I believe our clinic offers some financial assistance which we also need to inquire about. Injectables also means production of more eggs which means a greater chance of multiple pregnancy than with Clomid. Personally, I think twins would be awesome...a boy and a girl would be perfect! Anything beyond that, though, and I start to get a little scared. Whatever we end up with though is how it was meant to be and we would feel so blessed to have multiples! I am not picky though and would be happy with just one at a time if that's what's in the stars for us! For those who have done injectable meds, what is the average of eggs produced? Or does it depend on the woman? Also, is IUI with injections more successful than IUI with Clomid alone? We haven't done one yet but the nurse mentioned possibly trying one when we make the switch to injections. So far the IUI with Clomid has not been recommended and I wondered if the reasoning had anything to do with greater success rate using injections. I would think more eggs means increased chance of fertilization.  Luckily, we have a few months to really think this over and prepare ourselves both financially and emotionally for the looming transition that awaits our future.  Until then, I will continue to stand up; embrace hope; and try, try again.

I can't be happy for pregnant women anymore, even when they deserve it. I can't say congratulations because the words just ring hollow. My husband informed me earlier that a mutual friend of ours is pregnant and my first thought was intense jealousy, resentment, and anger. Followed by immediate removal of her posts from my FB feed. I'm not proud, in fact I'm ashamed, but it's what I have to do to protect my own sanity right now. I'm just so numb to it all. Especially working where I do now and seeing women who really shouldn't have any children, yet some have 6 or 7 that they don't even have custody of. And here I sit with an empty womb and empty arms; hoping, praying, wishing, and dreaming each day for just ONE little miracle. I'm not picky; just one is all I ask.

As for me, I finished my 3rd round of clomid and am now on day 30 of a 35 day cycle. I don't hold much hope for success as I have been having symptoms of starting. I had really sore breasts around CD 23 but that has since subsided (not a good sign). My progesterone level this month was 26 (the highest it has ever been). I was hoping that this was a positive sign in the right direction, but it doesn't seem to be an indicator one way or the other. I, of course, consulted Dr. google and while some women said it was a promising sign, others had higher levels than me and still got a BFN. If I haven't gotten AF by Friday (CD36) than I will reluctantly test, though I fully expect the witch will show.

A fertiles advice on how to get pregnant: "Pray hard about it, start taking prenatals, and track ovulation! I just used an app...and bam! One month later, im preggo! Reducing stress too is a biggy! Just relax & have fun!" Gee, if only I had thought of all that over the last two years... Sorry for the bitch fest, but that was just too good not to post. Thoughts? Comments? Anyone else to share my outrage?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Yep, this is the story of my life. Not only did the previous cycle of Clomid result in a BFN (as if that isn't bad enough, right?), my current cycle has once again been postponed due to a large cyst on my left ovary. Gee, anyone else feeling deja vu here? So, I got to get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive for an hour to have a minute ultrasound and then hear that there would be no medicated cycle this month. JOY! You know, this one month on one month off nonsense is getting really old. It is just making this whole process take that much longer. How are we ever supposed to get anywhere when it feels like starting from scratch each time? SO FRUSTRATING! I am tired of the disappointment, Why must my ovaries rebel against me? And it always seems to be the left one, too. The right on is too stupid to respond and just sits there doing nothing. Would we have better luck if we moved to injectables or would I still be prone to cysts? My RE has not suggested this but I think we should be our own advocates. After all, who cares more than the couple going through it? My RE was in the room for literally a minute, long enough to do the transvaginal, showed me the cyst, told me my cycle was canned and then left. No sorry, no nothing. I know it's more important to have an RE who can do his job and actually succeed in getting us pregnant, but geez, a little compassion would be nice, don't ya think?!

And to further rub salt in an already festering wound, I found out yesterday that an acquaintance is now 5 weeks pregnant after only one month of marriage. Yep, ONE MONTH! Gee, perfect timing! Must have been all that newlywed sex. I don't even think they were trying and then BAM! She once said to me that she feared she would have trouble conceiving as well  Yeah..my ass! She's already asking where to get maternity clothes. REALLY?! She's only 5 weeks! So I did what any self-respecting IF-er would do and blocked her shit from my FB newsfeed. Sorry, if that makes me a bitch or whatever but I just can't deal, especially on the heels of yet another disappointment...and one that is so fresh. I have to do what is best for my own mental health and sanity. I may not be able to "block" some of the clients I work with, but I can sure as hell block someone's garbage from appearing on my FB page.

Oh, and did I mention that June 14th marks two years in the TTC game for us? Not really an anniversary I had hoped to celebrate. See, this whole thing has turned me into a bitter, seething-with-resentment-mess. I'm so ashamed. I swear I am usually a nice person. How do you ladies cope? Any advice?

They always give the spiel about trying on our own on a non-medicated cycle, but c'mon, let's be real here. Without Clomid I don't O which means zero chance of pregnancy, which means no period, which then leads to 10 days of Provera to bring it on. We will DTD, of course, and hope for the best, but really it is just another wasted month in a long and endless process. And the best part is if I haven't gotten a period by July, 11th (CD35) which I won't; I get to take an HPT anyway. Wonderful! 

So the second round of Clomid was unsuccessful. AF arrived today (CD34) and I am now awaiting a call from the IF nurse to schedule an appt for more Clomid and/or to discuss further options. After two failed rounds is it time to move on to IUI? Both times I have succeeded in O'ing on the lowest dose of Clomid (yay!), but neither round has resulted in a pregnancy. I am just at a loss. You'd think timed-intercourse coupled with my hubby's well-above-average  sperm count would result in ONE of those spermies catching the golden prize, but apparently not. I am just soooo frustrated at this point. On the one hand, the Clomid has been a success in that I have O'd twice on the lowest dose (50mg). I guess that is a feat in itself, but what good does it really do if it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy? So right now I am literally mourning the loss of a life that could have been. The blood now flowing from my body serves as a painful reminder of another egg that did not get to reach its potential. My body, my uterus, prepared a safe environment for an unborn child that did not come to be, and now I am literally losing all of that. It just seems so wasteful. There goes a potential life that we would have loved so much. Maybe some think I'm crazy, maybe others don't get it, but this is how I'm feeling right now. With every failure there is a loss of chance, of opportunity, of hope. Are we wasting our time at this point with Clomid alone? These are questions we will bring to our RE. All I know is I'm tired; tired of crying, tired of feeling the hopelessness and despair, tired of feeling like we are doomed to fail and will never receive our happy ending; a happy ending that no one deserves more than my husband. I am tired of feeling like I am the one standing in the way of the AWESOME dad I know he will be.

I am also considering discontinuing this blog. I don't have many followers and no one ever comments, so I am basically just talking to myself anyhow. Plus, with work and school I just don't have time to update like I should. The jury is still out on whether to delete or make private.

Back on Track!

Had my appointment for a transvaginal ultrasound last Tuesday. To make a long story short, the cyst is still there but thankfully my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the 2nd round of Clomid...Finally! He said we will just be keeping a close eye on the cyst for now. It is a paratubal cyst hanging off my left FT. I have been told it will likely never go away, and should it grow or begin to cause any problems it will need to be removed. I thought it was the Clomid that caused it, but my RE said he saw it even at my first appointment back in January, though it was a bit smaller at that time. So now I have this blemish, this imperfection on my lady parts that will likely never go away. I know it shouldn't be a big deal as it should not impact my ability to get pregnant (which is a good thing because I apparently have so many hindrances already!), but I don't like the idea of it being there. It feels like something foreign, an intruder that doesn't belong. Has anyone had experience with these types of cysts?

I was relieved when the IF nurse called and said that my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the second round of Clomid. I am doing 50mg again, as I O'ed last time he sees no benefit to upping the dosage. He said that if we are not successful this time around we will need to met with him and discuss the next step. I am just so grateful that we are not missing out on yet another medicated cycle. If we hadn't had to sit out last month (assuming, of course, that we didn't get pregnant) I would have been on round 3 by now and moved on to who knows what else! I just took my last dose of Clomid last night (thankfully no real problems) and now the fun can really start! I am really hopeful that this time will be a success!

In other news, I survived mother's day, the second year in a row I was not able to celebrate. For the last two years when this day rolls around I think, NEXT YEAR, next year I will be able to participate as a mommy in this glorious day! So far that hasn't happened. But yesterday, I found myself again thinking, NEXT YEAR, next year will be my turn, next year it won't hurt. And you know what, I have to (I need to) believe that is true! I really think there should be a special card section on mother's day for those of us who are trying desperately and doing all we can to become mothers! I think we deserve a little recognition, too, dammit! After all, we are already mothers in our hearts, doing everything in our power for a child we've not yet met but already love unconditionally!

It is a wonder I made it through yesterday at all. I knew I should have trusted my first instinct to stay home, tucked safely away in bed where no one or nothing could hurt or cause me pain. Well, so much for the that... The day began with my sweet hubby wishing me happy mother's day, to which I replied, why me? He sweetly responded, "you will be a mother soon."   This put a BIG smile on my face and eased the pain in my heart. I was hoping to survive the day without incident, but sadly that was not to be. Later, we went to MILs house as we do every year on this day. We were sitting there, starring at the television screen, minding our own business and praying to get out of there ASAP (I wasn't feeling well - nausea and hot-flashes courtesy of Clomid) when suddenly my MIL asks us, "when are you due?" To which my brother and sis-n-law who are also present at the time, ask if I am pregnant, to which I have to respond with a painful, "no." MIL goes on to say, "well, it sure would be nice if you were." My first thought was, "really? Well, no shit!"

Now, I love my MIL dearly, but she has this disorder in which her brain is not always connected to her mouth. I am sure she meant it as a joke, perhaps to lighten the mood or whatever, but there was nothing particularly jovial about it to me, nor was my current mood anything but light! Now, I dunno what would possess her to dare ask us such a thing, and then to have family members ask if we are pregnant?! How does she not see how painful, insensitive, and grossly inappropriate such a thing is?! On any day but most especially on mother's day. REALLY?!

At least I have a lot of things to keep me busy and occupied. My semester just started so that is keeping on my toes, and I'm busy getting my internship underway. I am really looking forward to working closely with children and generally helping people and doing good.