Tis the season....whatever that means

Each time my husband and I "baby dance" I find it increasingly difficult to think, "this is it, this was the charm, it worked!" I've thought positively about it in months previous, felt sure that "this did the trick," but so far I always end up let down and hugely disappointed at the end of every month. I've tried over and over to have a "good vibe" about it, but overall I just...don't. The first month I was optimistic, the second month, still so. The third month, that optimism began to wan, and now in month six it is virtually non-existent. I wonder if all this negativity is somehow contributing to my inability to get pregnant? Is the stress, anxiety, and constant worry creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts? Am I receiving one gut-wrenching disappointment after another because in my heart of hearts, that is what I expect? Am I putting too much pressure on myself and thus setting myself up for disappointment and heartache? I would venture that the answer to all of the above is a resounding YES! But how do I ignore the voices in my head that tell me I am a disappointment to my husband, a failure as a woman? Oh, how I wish I could just tell those nasty little voices to shove it!

I think I react extremely sensitively to my fertility issues. I know that it is difficult for every woman, but for me I believe it may be somewhat more so. You see, I was born with a condition called cerebral palsy (CP) . For the most part, I am no different than any other 27-year-old young woman, having lead a remarkably "normal" life despite my disability. My degree of CP affects my lower extremities, leaving my leg muscles weakened and atrophied. Due to this I am unable to keep balance or walk on my own without the aid of an ambulatory device. I use a walker or canes to get around, a wheelchair for long distances. I also wear leg braces (AFOs) which provide me added support when walking. For the most part, I engage in the same types of activities that any woman my age would, and I have never let my disability hold me back from pursuing any dream. I am happily married and pursuing a graduate degree in the field of mental health counseling.

What does all this have to do with my fertility you may ask? Well, if you've been paying attention to this blog than you know I am also pursuing another dream. You see, despite my relative independence and "well-ajustedness," the fact remains that there are still things I just can't do on my own; try as I may there will always be certain things I will need help or assistance with whether I like it or not. It has been this way for 27 years, and I suspect it will continue this way for the rest of my life. The fact is that I have always had to try a little bit harder, and struggle just a little more to achieve what everyone else has; this is just my cross to bear. It seems as though nothing has ever been outright "easy" for me. Others take their achievements for granted; as for me, I have had to strive and work that much harder to achieve the simplest  of goals. I was really hoping, though, that one goal would turn out much differently - pregnancy. Like most women, I comforted myself with the assurance that it would happen right away; that unlike everything else in my life, getting pregnant would be a breeze, no problem at all. Somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew better, but chose to ignore those nagging voices. Now, 6 months into our conception journey I am forced to ask the question, "will I need assistance getting pregnant, too? I am forced to admit that it's a very real possibility, and it sucks because I was really hoping that pregnancy would be the one thing I could truly achieve on my own (well, of course, my husband plays a vital role, but you know what I mean). I was really hoping this would be something I could achieve without having to rely or depend on anyone else. And if I am unable to get pregnant without assistance (which I understand at this point is still an IF) does this mean my body has failed me again? Does this mean there is another part of me that just doesn't work like it should? Understand that I am not normally one to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time I think it's only natural that I would have these feelings. It would be remiss of me not to bring up my disability in this blog, when, in truth, it does inform so much of the young woman I am, and will in turn inform who I become as a mother. Please understand, however, that inform is not the same as define, for my disability has never done that.

The odds have been stacked against me my entire life; but also true, I have defied those odds time and again only to come back stronger. The question now is, will I do the same with pregnancy and motherhood? I tell myself that I will climb whatever obstacle necessary, that I will do whatever I have to in order to achieve my dream of motherhood.

I am reminded of a personal heroine of mine: Buffy Summers from the television series 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' Now I know that based on the title it seems kind of silly, but don't laugh quite yet. You see, like me, Buffy is somewhat different, yet she longs for that "normal" existence every young woman but her seems to have. Despite the presence of many obstacles in her path, she rises against them to continue fighting another day. Buffy faces daily demons, monsters, and whatever creatures hell decides to throw at her. Not so different from Buffy, I too must face a daily onslaught of personal demons; of constant doubts and whispered fears. Buffy is a woman who defies the odds and beats them back, and so I will do the same.

While it may seem that I am feeling sorry for myself, I am actually using this holiday season to take stock of my many blessings. Despite months of setbacks, disappointments, and heartaches, I know that I still have a great deal to be thankful for. That said, I will eat, drink (because, sadly there's no reason I can't), and be merry. I will use this time to reconnect with my husband and the rest of my family.

Happy Holidays, Everyone!