Don't Mess with Mother Nature...

From the time I was little I knew with certainty that the one thing in life I most wanted to be was a mother. I've had other dreams sure, but this is the one that has been a true constant in my life. When we are  little girls playing with our dollies, we never think of any alternative, it never enters our minds that mother nature could one day be so cruel. It is what we are designed for after all, right? So how could it possibly go any way other than the perfect dream we expect, the one we have anticipated all of out lives? Flash forward several years later and - WRONG! If I didn't want it so bad, I suppose 6 months of BFN's wouldn't hurt so much. But with each passing month, with each passing single line, it feels like my heart is getting ripped from my chest. Month after month has felt like a defeat, it is hard to even enjoy sex anymore and that is sad. It's tragic when sex begins to feel more like a chore for procreation's sake, but how do you avoid falling into that trap? I love my husband very much, and I love that we are trying desperately to make one perfect, single being out of the love we share for one another, but as the months zoom by it becomes more and more difficult to enjoy sex when I am consumed with anxieties and worries over having not yet conceived, thinking, "what is wrong with me?!"

It really hurts to long for something so much, to have such a desire placed on your heart and yet have no control over when or IF it happens. Scary stuff. The point I'm trying to make here is that whether it has been 6 months or 6 years, that longing for a child is the same in all of us.With each passing BFN I feel as though I am mourning the loss of a child that doesn't even exist yet. I know many people hearing that would probably think I'm crazy, but I also know that to other women out there longing for a baby it makes perfect sense, and so that provides me at least a little comfort. You might say that is the purpose of this blog, to express my own feelings and hopefully connect with other women in the process. I need to know that I am not alone in this, I need to know there are others in the same boat, so, if you're out there, throw me a life raft...