Holiday Blues

There is something so depressing about the holidays when you are childless. All around me I see couples with their children and it is really getting me down. This Christmas marks the first in our conception journey, I can't help but wonder, however, will this be the first of many childless holiday celebrations for my husband and I? Boy I hope not! I was optimistic in the beginning; praying, hoping, dreaming, that I would be pregnant by the holidays, but now as Christmas looms ahead, it seems clear that is not going to be my reality, at least not this time around. I remember when I was a little girl the holidays used to be such a magical time for me, now I long to see the magic of the holidays in the eyes of my own child, but silently I wonder, "will I?"

Why is it that when you are TTC you believe that you will be pregnant for every special event or holiday? You get your hopes up and they are inevitably let down. Is life really that cruel? I thought I was going  to be pregnant earlier this month when my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I prayed I would have some good news to share with him, I tried to have a good feeling about it. But then I took the test and once again, BFN, just one damn line! I called him at work to deliver the not-so-good news, he tried to be strong, supportive, and encouraging as always, but behind the words I could sense he was as disappointed as I was. After talking with him few a few, I hung up the phone and just broke down. The thing that makes me really angry is that although I expect a BFN each month, it still hits me like a ton of bricks when I see it. I know it's coming, and yet it tears me apart every time. I guess that's because each month I have that pesky glimmer of hope that maybe, just MAYBE, this will FINALLY be the month. It never is of course, not so far anyway. But try as I might I can't seem to shake that one shred of hope that keeps hanging on for dear life, so I guess that's why it hurts so much. Either I am an incurable optimist or just glutton-for-punishment, I haven't decided yet.

Who knows, maybe 2011 will be the year! Maybe this will be the year I FINALLY see my greatest dream realized - MOTHERHOOD!!! Score one for the incurable optimist side. :)