Just A Little Bit of History Repeating?

When we began trying to get pregnant I suspected I would have trouble, well even before that really; when having a baby and being a mother was nothing more than just a thought in my head and a hope on my heart. When my mom got pregnant with me she was in her early twenties and had no trouble at all. With my brother, however, it was an entirely different story. You see, the second time around my mother was diagnosed with what the medical profession so aptly refers to as, "secondary infertility." My mom was 35-years-old when she finally became pregnant with my brother, hence the vast age difference between us; I am 27, my brother, 16. I remember the day my mom found out she was pregnant; she burst through the door, got up on the couch and started jumping up and down exclaiming, "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!! I was happy for her, of course, but my then 10-year-old mind could not fully grasp what it all meant. How ironic, that now, so many years later, I finally get why my mom was so happy that day. I truly understand now because I know that this is exactly how I would react and how I would feel if I found out today that I am pregnant; over the moon with happiness and crying tears of joy just as my mother was. When I was little I used to say to my mom that I feared the dog was the only sibling I would ever have. Insensitive yes, and certainly not one of my finest moments, but in my defense I was a little girl who had no understanding of the years of infertility my mom had been struggling through. Could it be that karma has now come back to bite me in the ass? What I know of my mom's fertility issues is that she had multiple cysts on her ovaries (PCOS perhaps?) which the doctors "shrunk" to help her get pregnant. I'm sure it was all much more complicated than this, but I suspect my mother was "dumbing it down" for my 10-year-old brain at the time. And, quite possibly, it was just too painful for her to talk about. I think I get that now. I need to find what my mother went through because I suspect genetics may play a role in my own fertility issues.

Next month I will be going to the doctor and they will begin running tests, etc., in hopes of sorting out why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I am conflicted because I am scared but at the same time, I have been without answers for so long that it will be nice to FINALLY have some. I want to know what is going on with my body. I want to know so that we can tackle whatever the issue is head on, because anything worth having is worth fighting for and I will fight. I am not prepared to give up on my dream of motherhood, nor will I. My husband and I are in this together and we will fight together. I can't even begin to put into words what a comfort it is knowing he is at my side through all of this; that we are both fighting for the same dream. I believe that the journey to parenthood doesn't just begin with pregnancy, it begins even before that, with the journey to conception. And so I will do whatever necessary to ensure our future child makes it to us one way or another. We have not yet met our child, but I know he or she is waiting for us. For now, though, he/she will remain a dream and a hope in our hearts.

As I go through this uncertain time, I will think of my mother for inspiration. After struggling through years of infertility she got her miracle baby, and so I have to believe that eventually the same will happen for me  (although, hopefully we can skip skip the years part?). My mom persevered and never gave up hope,  so I will just have to take a cue from her and do the same. She made it through the darkness and the anguish;  the, at times, all-consuming grief, and so will I. I am a young woman who has defied the odds from the time I was born, so why should now be any different? I would like to think I'm stronger than I often give myself credit for.