Tis the season....whatever that means

Each time my husband and I "baby dance" I find it increasingly difficult to think, "this is it, this was the charm, it worked!" I've thought positively about it in months previous, felt sure that "this did the trick," but so far I always end up let down and hugely disappointed at the end of every month. I've tried over and over to have a "good vibe" about it, but overall I just...don't. The first month I was optimistic, the second month, still so. The third month, that optimism began to wan, and now in month six it is virtually non-existent. I wonder if all this negativity is somehow contributing to my inability to get pregnant? Is the stress, anxiety, and constant worry creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts? Am I receiving one gut-wrenching disappointment after another because in my heart of hearts, that is what I expect? Am I putting too much pressure on myself and thus setting myself up for disappointment and heartache? I would venture that the answer to all of the above is a resounding YES! But how do I ignore the voices in my head that tell me I am a disappointment to my husband, a failure as a woman? Oh, how I wish I could just tell those nasty little voices to shove it!

I think I react extremely sensitively to my fertility issues. I know that it is difficult for every woman, but for me I believe it may be somewhat more so. You see, I was born with a condition called cerebral palsy (CP) . For the most part, I am no different than any other 27-year-old young woman, having lead a remarkably "normal" life despite my disability. My degree of CP affects my lower extremities, leaving my leg muscles weakened and atrophied. Due to this I am unable to keep balance or walk on my own without the aid of an ambulatory device. I use a walker or canes to get around, a wheelchair for long distances. I also wear leg braces (AFOs) which provide me added support when walking. For the most part, I engage in the same types of activities that any woman my age would, and I have never let my disability hold me back from pursuing any dream. I am happily married and pursuing a graduate degree in the field of mental health counseling.

What does all this have to do with my fertility you may ask? Well, if you've been paying attention to this blog than you know I am also pursuing another dream. You see, despite my relative independence and "well-ajustedness," the fact remains that there are still things I just can't do on my own; try as I may there will always be certain things I will need help or assistance with whether I like it or not. It has been this way for 27 years, and I suspect it will continue this way for the rest of my life. The fact is that I have always had to try a little bit harder, and struggle just a little more to achieve what everyone else has; this is just my cross to bear. It seems as though nothing has ever been outright "easy" for me. Others take their achievements for granted; as for me, I have had to strive and work that much harder to achieve the simplest  of goals. I was really hoping, though, that one goal would turn out much differently - pregnancy. Like most women, I comforted myself with the assurance that it would happen right away; that unlike everything else in my life, getting pregnant would be a breeze, no problem at all. Somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew better, but chose to ignore those nagging voices. Now, 6 months into our conception journey I am forced to ask the question, "will I need assistance getting pregnant, too? I am forced to admit that it's a very real possibility, and it sucks because I was really hoping that pregnancy would be the one thing I could truly achieve on my own (well, of course, my husband plays a vital role, but you know what I mean). I was really hoping this would be something I could achieve without having to rely or depend on anyone else. And if I am unable to get pregnant without assistance (which I understand at this point is still an IF) does this mean my body has failed me again? Does this mean there is another part of me that just doesn't work like it should? Understand that I am not normally one to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time I think it's only natural that I would have these feelings. It would be remiss of me not to bring up my disability in this blog, when, in truth, it does inform so much of the young woman I am, and will in turn inform who I become as a mother. Please understand, however, that inform is not the same as define, for my disability has never done that.

The odds have been stacked against me my entire life; but also true, I have defied those odds time and again only to come back stronger. The question now is, will I do the same with pregnancy and motherhood? I tell myself that I will climb whatever obstacle necessary, that I will do whatever I have to in order to achieve my dream of motherhood.

I am reminded of a personal heroine of mine: Buffy Summers from the television series 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' Now I know that based on the title it seems kind of silly, but don't laugh quite yet. You see, like me, Buffy is somewhat different, yet she longs for that "normal" existence every young woman but her seems to have. Despite the presence of many obstacles in her path, she rises against them to continue fighting another day. Buffy faces daily demons, monsters, and whatever creatures hell decides to throw at her. Not so different from Buffy, I too must face a daily onslaught of personal demons; of constant doubts and whispered fears. Buffy is a woman who defies the odds and beats them back, and so I will do the same.

While it may seem that I am feeling sorry for myself, I am actually using this holiday season to take stock of my many blessings. Despite months of setbacks, disappointments, and heartaches, I know that I still have a great deal to be thankful for. That said, I will eat, drink (because, sadly there's no reason I can't), and be merry. I will use this time to reconnect with my husband and the rest of my family.

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Just A Little Bit of History Repeating?

When we began trying to get pregnant I suspected I would have trouble, well even before that really; when having a baby and being a mother was nothing more than just a thought in my head and a hope on my heart. When my mom got pregnant with me she was in her early twenties and had no trouble at all. With my brother, however, it was an entirely different story. You see, the second time around my mother was diagnosed with what the medical profession so aptly refers to as, "secondary infertility." My mom was 35-years-old when she finally became pregnant with my brother, hence the vast age difference between us; I am 27, my brother, 16. I remember the day my mom found out she was pregnant; she burst through the door, got up on the couch and started jumping up and down exclaiming, "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!! I was happy for her, of course, but my then 10-year-old mind could not fully grasp what it all meant. How ironic, that now, so many years later, I finally get why my mom was so happy that day. I truly understand now because I know that this is exactly how I would react and how I would feel if I found out today that I am pregnant; over the moon with happiness and crying tears of joy just as my mother was. When I was little I used to say to my mom that I feared the dog was the only sibling I would ever have. Insensitive yes, and certainly not one of my finest moments, but in my defense I was a little girl who had no understanding of the years of infertility my mom had been struggling through. Could it be that karma has now come back to bite me in the ass? What I know of my mom's fertility issues is that she had multiple cysts on her ovaries (PCOS perhaps?) which the doctors "shrunk" to help her get pregnant. I'm sure it was all much more complicated than this, but I suspect my mother was "dumbing it down" for my 10-year-old brain at the time. And, quite possibly, it was just too painful for her to talk about. I think I get that now. I need to find what my mother went through because I suspect genetics may play a role in my own fertility issues.

Next month I will be going to the doctor and they will begin running tests, etc., in hopes of sorting out why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I am conflicted because I am scared but at the same time, I have been without answers for so long that it will be nice to FINALLY have some. I want to know what is going on with my body. I want to know so that we can tackle whatever the issue is head on, because anything worth having is worth fighting for and I will fight. I am not prepared to give up on my dream of motherhood, nor will I. My husband and I are in this together and we will fight together. I can't even begin to put into words what a comfort it is knowing he is at my side through all of this; that we are both fighting for the same dream. I believe that the journey to parenthood doesn't just begin with pregnancy, it begins even before that, with the journey to conception. And so I will do whatever necessary to ensure our future child makes it to us one way or another. We have not yet met our child, but I know he or she is waiting for us. For now, though, he/she will remain a dream and a hope in our hearts.

As I go through this uncertain time, I will think of my mother for inspiration. After struggling through years of infertility she got her miracle baby, and so I have to believe that eventually the same will happen for me  (although, hopefully we can skip skip the years part?). My mom persevered and never gave up hope,  so I will just have to take a cue from her and do the same. She made it through the darkness and the anguish;  the, at times, all-consuming grief, and so will I. I am a young woman who has defied the odds from the time I was born, so why should now be any different? I would like to think I'm stronger than I often give myself credit for.

Visions of the Future

Why must I continuously torture myself? I am not even pregnant yet and I find myself imagining daily what the nursery will look like, how I will decorate it, etc. I become lost in thought for hours, obsessing over every minute detail. My husband tells me that when we buy our house I am free to go ahead and decorate the room that will be the baby's nursery even if I am not pregnant by then (which I hope and pray I will be). If I chose to go ahead with that plan, I would of course decorate using neutral colors that would work for boy or girl. So, I have spent literally hours scouring the internet for neutral colors and nursery themes. On the one hand, this makes me happy and give me an incredible sense of hope for the future; on the other, it is incredibly painful and makes my heart ache all the more. Does this make me a masochist?

I have been grappling with whether or not decorating a nursery would be a good idea. Would I really be able to handle walking by an empty room everyday? And what if (God forbid) it takes me YEARS to conceive, would my heart be able to take it? Again, it would bring an incredible sense of hope, but that hope would not come without incredible pain. Would I be able to take the constant reminder of what my husband and I are missing from our lives? Would it be worth it? I am not yet decided, guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

Weekend Adventures.

Well, my weekend started out on Saturday going to town to pick out a few outfits for my two-month-old niece for Christmas. Now, if you know me then you understand that me in the baby section of any store is a bad idea. I repeat, BAD IDEA! I can't go past a baby section without getting all teary-eyed. That said, I was understandably dreading this particular shopping trip. I get to the store, venture into the baby section, and am immediately greeted by the most adorable sets of baby clothes and little outfits; it is so bad I can hardly take all the cuteness that surrounds me. As I am pursuing all the baby items, Iam reminded of an episode of "How I Met Your Mother," the one where the gang finds a sweet little baby sock and immediately all of them (most notably Marshal and Lily) are swept up in a frenzy of baby fever. I think it's fair to say that this is an adequate representation of my life right now. Given all the disappointment I have faced in the last 6 months, is it any wonder why me + baby section of any store = immediate not goodness? The past 6 months have been an emotional roller-coaster to say the least. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down, or any mixture in between. I am proud of myself though for miraculously keeping it together in the store. When I got out into the parking lot and into my car, that's when I lost it; I just started bawling. Oh well, at least I managed to hold it off until then, I even surprised myself. Guess I should feel accomplished. 

How could this weekend get any worse you ask? Flash forward to Sunday night. My hubby and I were over at his parents house to see out two nieces  and his little sister get an impromptu house call from Santa. More back story time. My husband has two brothers, both around my age. Neither are married but both have girlfriends (Okay, well, one a fiance) and also children. One has the aforementioned two-month-old niece, the other, a three-year-old. Where is this story going you ask? Well, as you might have already surmised from the situation, my husband and I were the only couple present without children. Yep, that's right! Awkward much?! So, needless to say, I felt uncomfortable, out of place, and sad. I didn't want to be there in the first place but my husband talked me into it. Call me a Scrooge or whatever you like, but I just didn't feel like putting myself through that pain. And I feel that given the circumstances, I shouldn't have to explain or justify myself to anyone. I wish I had ignored him and listened to my own instincts, however, as the evening took an awkward turn I had hardly anticipated or expected, but that is another story for another time...

As I sad in a previous blog, the holidays can be a really difficult time for any couple longing for a child but finding themselves without one. Santa brought my nieces toys and other great surprises, but he failed to bring me what I want most of all. I wanted to ask, "Where is my baby, Santa? Is the stork on his way?" Sadly, it looks like I won't be getting me Christmas miracle baby after all. Maybe 2011 will be the year...

This holiday season I am trying desperately not to become swept up in bitterness and resentments over what others have that my husband and I don't, but I admit it has certainly been a struggle. It is becoming harder and harder to ignore the aching void in my heart desperately longing to be filled with love for a child, our child. God willing, this time next year we will be expecting our own bundle of joy. In the meantime, I will continue to keep this blog as a reminder of the love I have for a precious boy or girl I've yet to meet. 

Happy holidays, everyone!

Holiday Blues

There is something so depressing about the holidays when you are childless. All around me I see couples with their children and it is really getting me down. This Christmas marks the first in our conception journey, I can't help but wonder, however, will this be the first of many childless holiday celebrations for my husband and I? Boy I hope not! I was optimistic in the beginning; praying, hoping, dreaming, that I would be pregnant by the holidays, but now as Christmas looms ahead, it seems clear that is not going to be my reality, at least not this time around. I remember when I was a little girl the holidays used to be such a magical time for me, now I long to see the magic of the holidays in the eyes of my own child, but silently I wonder, "will I?"

Why is it that when you are TTC you believe that you will be pregnant for every special event or holiday? You get your hopes up and they are inevitably let down. Is life really that cruel? I thought I was going  to be pregnant earlier this month when my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I prayed I would have some good news to share with him, I tried to have a good feeling about it. But then I took the test and once again, BFN, just one damn line! I called him at work to deliver the not-so-good news, he tried to be strong, supportive, and encouraging as always, but behind the words I could sense he was as disappointed as I was. After talking with him few a few, I hung up the phone and just broke down. The thing that makes me really angry is that although I expect a BFN each month, it still hits me like a ton of bricks when I see it. I know it's coming, and yet it tears me apart every time. I guess that's because each month I have that pesky glimmer of hope that maybe, just MAYBE, this will FINALLY be the month. It never is of course, not so far anyway. But try as I might I can't seem to shake that one shred of hope that keeps hanging on for dear life, so I guess that's why it hurts so much. Either I am an incurable optimist or just glutton-for-punishment, I haven't decided yet.

Who knows, maybe 2011 will be the year! Maybe this will be the year I FINALLY see my greatest dream realized - MOTHERHOOD!!! Score one for the incurable optimist side. :)

Don't Mess with Mother Nature...

From the time I was little I knew with certainty that the one thing in life I most wanted to be was a mother. I've had other dreams sure, but this is the one that has been a true constant in my life. When we are  little girls playing with our dollies, we never think of any alternative, it never enters our minds that mother nature could one day be so cruel. It is what we are designed for after all, right? So how could it possibly go any way other than the perfect dream we expect, the one we have anticipated all of out lives? Flash forward several years later and - WRONG! If I didn't want it so bad, I suppose 6 months of BFN's wouldn't hurt so much. But with each passing month, with each passing single line, it feels like my heart is getting ripped from my chest. Month after month has felt like a defeat, it is hard to even enjoy sex anymore and that is sad. It's tragic when sex begins to feel more like a chore for procreation's sake, but how do you avoid falling into that trap? I love my husband very much, and I love that we are trying desperately to make one perfect, single being out of the love we share for one another, but as the months zoom by it becomes more and more difficult to enjoy sex when I am consumed with anxieties and worries over having not yet conceived, thinking, "what is wrong with me?!"

It really hurts to long for something so much, to have such a desire placed on your heart and yet have no control over when or IF it happens. Scary stuff. The point I'm trying to make here is that whether it has been 6 months or 6 years, that longing for a child is the same in all of us.With each passing BFN I feel as though I am mourning the loss of a child that doesn't even exist yet. I know many people hearing that would probably think I'm crazy, but I also know that to other women out there longing for a baby it makes perfect sense, and so that provides me at least a little comfort. You might say that is the purpose of this blog, to express my own feelings and hopefully connect with other women in the process. I need to know that I am not alone in this, I need to know there are others in the same boat, so, if you're out there, throw me a life raft...

6 months/Introductions

To anyone reading this, it is probably fairly obvious from the title what this blog will consist of. Yep, you guessed it, this is another one of "those" blogs. This blog will be a space for me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings as they pertain to motherhood, or, more accurately, the journey towards getting there. Nope, I have not yet reached the holy grail, nor have I seen the promised land. 6 months and lots of sex later, and still nothing to show for it. Now, I know what many of you ladies out there must be thinking, "it has only been 6 months, what are you whining about?" I know that for many of you struggling through years and years of infertility, 6 months must seem like a cake walk; for me, however, 6 months is a big deal.

Let me start with a little back story, if I may. I am 27 and my husband is 30. We are just shy of our two year anniversary. We made the decision 6 months ago to begin trying for a family. Now understand that for me especially, this longing to be a mother has been present for years. My husband and I knew even when we were dating that we wanted to be parents, we were trying to wait, though, until we were financially stable before beginning that journey. Well 6 months ago and after years of waiting, that glorious opportunity finally presented itself. Everything is not "perfect" but then, is there such a thing? We decided we didn't want to put off the dream of parenthood any longer, so we began TTC. I have always had that longing to be a mother, the only difference now is that it has majorly intensified over the last 6 months. I thought, "FINALLY, I am going to see a dream revealed!" Because ya know, every couple is optimistic in the beginning and thinks it will happen right away. Yet, here I sit 6 months down the line, pouring my heart out in this blog instead...