Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Ok, so I totally had a STFU fertile moment earlier. I said something on FB about how I love the show One Born Every Minute, but hate it because it makes me so emotional and increases my longing for a baby all the more. Well, this person commented and said, "It will happen when the time is right." First of all, I am so SICK of hearing this. It is so easy for someone to say this when they have no clue what it's like to struggle to have a baby, want it so badly, and then not see it happen. And what about MY time, doesn't MY time mean a darn thing?! And the person saying this, she's younger than me (25) and has two kids already. Me, I'm frighteningly close to 30 and struggling for just the one. So yeah, this woman has no idea what I'm taking about or what I'm going through. So as far as I'm concerned, she can take her pseudo well-meaning, condescending platitudes and shove them where the sun doesn't shine! Maybe I'm overreacting; maybe she did mean well with the best of intentions, but I am sick and tired of the air of superiority with fertiles. I think there is definitely this sense of, "Oh, I'm better than you." And then when I responded back, her stance immediately changed to one of sorrow and pity; I could practically feel the waves of it rolling off the words before me; it was palpable! I feel like screaming "I don't need your sorrow or pity; I am not ashamed!" And the truth is I don't, and I'm not. I have been pretty open about this process from the very beginning. This is my journey, my fight, and I will fully embrace it.. So I have to go through hell and high water to get there, it just means I will have that much more love, adoration, and respect for the miracle life that is my child when I do! :)
Monday, November 28, 2011
What I am Thankful for...
Yes, I know I am a little late on this post, but with the holiday season upon us, I feel the need to take note of my many blessings in life:
- Above all, I am thankful for my husband and almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together total), years that have been the happiest of my life. I am thankful to my husband for making so many of my dreams possible, he made me a wife, and with him, I hope to fulfill my ultimate dream of motherhood. I hope for many more happy years with my best friend by my side.
- I am thankful for our home; a home that we share filled with so much love. Last spring we embarked on the journey of buying our first home. In true fairytale fashion, we fell in love with the second home we saw and just knew it was the one for us. We had to have it! After going back and forth with the bank for what seemed like an eternity, we closed on the house in May, and finally moved in in late August. This Christmas is particularly special to us because it will be the first one spent in our new home. The house is small and cozy, with a very home-y feel and it is OURS. After 2 years of living with my grandmother after DH lost his job, it feels so good to be back on our feet and have something to call our own again. I will never again take for granted the luxury of having a place to "hang my hat." I like to think that out of every misfortune there is a lesson to be learned, the lesson here is to be thankful for what we do have in life, and to take stock of our many blessings, for each day is a gift. We rose from this setback, from one of the truly lowest points in our lives together as a couple, and look where we are now?! Homeowners!! I truly believe this house was meant for us. At one point in the journey we almost lost it to another couple, but at the last minute their offer fell through and the house was once again ours for the taking. Fate intervening, perhaps? I take it as further proof that this home was meant for us! We went through hell to get this house, it was definitely a time of both great excitement and great stress, but we did it! It has been a fixer-upper, but every project, every renovation, has been soooo worth it! This house has so much potential, and it has been a true joy making it our own. In a home already bursting with so much love, I truly cannot wait until we have a little one occupying the empty room we now call the nursery. I hope to someday very soon walk into that room and stare down not at an empty crib, but at a bundle of joy lying there fast asleep. I can totally see our children growing up in this house, in this nice neighborhood community; calling this home. I can hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and the sweet sound of a child's laughter. I hope that someday soon these things will be a reality, not just wishes and dreams residing in the spaces of my heart.
- I am thankful for my education and the many doors it has opened for me, doors that I would not have access to otherwise. I am currently working on my Master's degree in mental health counseling. I am once again thankful for the opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and know that it is a true privilege being able to do so.
- I am thankful for my two pugs, Zoe and Xander. More than mere dogs, these two are part of the family and always provide me with so much love and comfort. They are my babies, my "fur children," and in many ways they have helped to ease the pain of not yet having a child of our own. They love freely, unconditionally, and are accepting without judgment. They are always happy to see me, and are there to offer a lick or curl up in my lap or beside me on the couch when they sense I am feeling the pain of yet another BFN. While it is not the same as having a human child, they have helped to fill the empty space in my heart, and for that I will be forever grateful to them. I hope our children will have the privilege of growing up alongside these two great companions.
Lastly, I am thankful that if I must bear the burden of infertility, at least there are doctors out there that can help me (and women like me) achieve my dream of parenthood. I am grateful to have access to a wonderful RE that I will be going to in January. I am grateful that women today have these options, where years ago options for women struggling to conceive were quite limited. Thankfully today there is help, and most importantly, hope.
I know that for those of use living with infertility, it can be easy to lose sight of all the good things in our lives, especially around the holidays when it is all about children. I know that for me, I get so wrapped up in my quest to become a mom that I often forget about the many blessings I do have. I know the holidays can be incredibly difficult for those of us who are childless, but I also think it's important to put things in perspective and remember those things, even if small, that we are thankful for.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and wishing everyone a happy holiday season!
- Above all, I am thankful for my husband and almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together total), years that have been the happiest of my life. I am thankful to my husband for making so many of my dreams possible, he made me a wife, and with him, I hope to fulfill my ultimate dream of motherhood. I hope for many more happy years with my best friend by my side.
- I am thankful for our home; a home that we share filled with so much love. Last spring we embarked on the journey of buying our first home. In true fairytale fashion, we fell in love with the second home we saw and just knew it was the one for us. We had to have it! After going back and forth with the bank for what seemed like an eternity, we closed on the house in May, and finally moved in in late August. This Christmas is particularly special to us because it will be the first one spent in our new home. The house is small and cozy, with a very home-y feel and it is OURS. After 2 years of living with my grandmother after DH lost his job, it feels so good to be back on our feet and have something to call our own again. I will never again take for granted the luxury of having a place to "hang my hat." I like to think that out of every misfortune there is a lesson to be learned, the lesson here is to be thankful for what we do have in life, and to take stock of our many blessings, for each day is a gift. We rose from this setback, from one of the truly lowest points in our lives together as a couple, and look where we are now?! Homeowners!! I truly believe this house was meant for us. At one point in the journey we almost lost it to another couple, but at the last minute their offer fell through and the house was once again ours for the taking. Fate intervening, perhaps? I take it as further proof that this home was meant for us! We went through hell to get this house, it was definitely a time of both great excitement and great stress, but we did it! It has been a fixer-upper, but every project, every renovation, has been soooo worth it! This house has so much potential, and it has been a true joy making it our own. In a home already bursting with so much love, I truly cannot wait until we have a little one occupying the empty room we now call the nursery. I hope to someday very soon walk into that room and stare down not at an empty crib, but at a bundle of joy lying there fast asleep. I can totally see our children growing up in this house, in this nice neighborhood community; calling this home. I can hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and the sweet sound of a child's laughter. I hope that someday soon these things will be a reality, not just wishes and dreams residing in the spaces of my heart.
- I am thankful for my education and the many doors it has opened for me, doors that I would not have access to otherwise. I am currently working on my Master's degree in mental health counseling. I am once again thankful for the opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and know that it is a true privilege being able to do so.
- I am thankful for my two pugs, Zoe and Xander. More than mere dogs, these two are part of the family and always provide me with so much love and comfort. They are my babies, my "fur children," and in many ways they have helped to ease the pain of not yet having a child of our own. They love freely, unconditionally, and are accepting without judgment. They are always happy to see me, and are there to offer a lick or curl up in my lap or beside me on the couch when they sense I am feeling the pain of yet another BFN. While it is not the same as having a human child, they have helped to fill the empty space in my heart, and for that I will be forever grateful to them. I hope our children will have the privilege of growing up alongside these two great companions.
Lastly, I am thankful that if I must bear the burden of infertility, at least there are doctors out there that can help me (and women like me) achieve my dream of parenthood. I am grateful to have access to a wonderful RE that I will be going to in January. I am grateful that women today have these options, where years ago options for women struggling to conceive were quite limited. Thankfully today there is help, and most importantly, hope.
I know that for those of use living with infertility, it can be easy to lose sight of all the good things in our lives, especially around the holidays when it is all about children. I know that for me, I get so wrapped up in my quest to become a mom that I often forget about the many blessings I do have. I know the holidays can be incredibly difficult for those of us who are childless, but I also think it's important to put things in perspective and remember those things, even if small, that we are thankful for.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and wishing everyone a happy holiday season!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
29 day cycle?
So Sunday my left ovary was hurting pretty bad. Later, I went to the bathroom to find a gush of bright red blood in my underwear (sorry TMI). I freaked! Usually my periods begin with some spotting, but this was totally unexpected and came out of nowhere! Plus, I never have 29 day cycles unless I am on birth control. My previous cycle length was 80 days, just to give you an idea of how sparratic my cycles are! The flow has been really heavy and the cramps debilitating. I find myself wondering if I was actually pregnant and this is a miscarriage, something very upsetting for me to even contemplate. If it was an early miscarriage, I guess there would be no way to know for sure at this point. Another theory is that perhaps I did ovulate and we just missed the boat. Again. Aaaaaaaah this is so frustrating! My period last month was pretty light and only lasted 3-4 days (most likely an anovulatory cycle). Could be this one is just making up for lost time. I just hope AF has settled down before our party on Saturday... =\
Hope everyone else's week has started out better than mine!
Hope everyone else's week has started out better than mine!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Anyone else watch that show 'Secretly Pregnant?' This show makes me so angry, yet I can't bring myself to stop watching. It is a morbid fascination of mine. Like when you pass an accident and can't help but look. I don't know why I put myself through this pain and anguish, but I do. It's bad enough I have to hear about women being preggers all around me, now I am subjecting myself to watching women who are keeping their pregnancies a secret? Really?! The really sad thing is that most of these women shouldn't be parents in the first place and yet they are, some for the second are third time. Most of the women don't have jobs or any financial means of support other than that given by their parents. Add to this that the "baby daddies" are usually losers who shouldn't be allowed to procreate in the first place.
One of the shows I watched featured a woman in her early 20s. She already had one child but had lost custody of him to her parents, because she lacked the financial means to support him. She finds out she is pregnant again for the second time, and at 5 months along she is still concealing the pregnancy from her family. She says she doesn't want to tell her parents because she is afraid they will kick her out of the house. Oh, and here's the real kicker, the baby's father is currently serving jail time for drug dealing! Another episode featured a 40-year-old knocked up by a 19-year-old. She hid the pregnancy due to shame and embarrassment of the affair. Yeah, I would be embarrassed too, lady. Then there was one about a woman knocked up by a married man. Throughout the whole episode she kept saying how she hoped every day that he would leave his wife and kids and come back to her. Seriously?! Then, of course, there is the typical teenaged pregnancy: 15-year-old girl impregnated by boy she's only dated 6 months. But oh, they're really in love! Someone gag me! This is just a sample of the types of stories featured on this show. See what I mean, like a bad accident, right? Being subjected to the stupidity of these women absolutely makes me blood boil. I find myself yelling obscenities at the TV nearly every time. Have these women never heard of condoms, or birth control pills? C'mon ladies! And most of them are certainly old enough to know better.
Last week's episode, however, was a glaring exception that broke my heart. This woman wasn't like all the others featured on the show. She had a husband, a nice home, and financial stability. She was keeping her pregnancy a secret because 9 months earlier she had given birth to a stillborn baby. She was hiding the pregnancy from friends and family because she feared her second child would suffer the same fate. And in a cruel twist of irony, her second child was due to be delivered on the same day as her first. She had only a few weeks left in her pregnancy when she finally gained the support of friends and family. There were a few complications with delivery, but the baby ultimately went on to be happy and healthy.
First of all, I just don't get how these women can be successful in hiding their pregnancies for 8-9 months. Are you seriously telling me that no one notices?! One woman resorted to wrapping tap around her belly to "hold her stomach in," and another hid her ultrasound photos behind the TV because she didn't want her mom to see them while she was cleaning. Yeah, let's all take a moment and marvel at the stupidity.
This makes me so angry because if I were pregnant I would be shouting it from the roof tops and telling the whole world. Heck, it will take all my restraint not to tell people as soon as I get that BFP!!! I could never imagine being ashamed of my baby and hiding the wonderful news from my loved ones. I just don't get it. My husband and I are in a loving committed relationship, we are financially stable, and have a nice home. We are able to provide for our children, and it's idiots like this who pop them out like it's nothing. Idiots who don't understand the full gravity and responsibiliy of being a parent, nor do they deserve such an honor. They take their children and the title of mother for granted. I fail to understand why it is so easy for women like that, and yet I am still waiting. Where is the justice in the world?!
End rant.
One of the shows I watched featured a woman in her early 20s. She already had one child but had lost custody of him to her parents, because she lacked the financial means to support him. She finds out she is pregnant again for the second time, and at 5 months along she is still concealing the pregnancy from her family. She says she doesn't want to tell her parents because she is afraid they will kick her out of the house. Oh, and here's the real kicker, the baby's father is currently serving jail time for drug dealing! Another episode featured a 40-year-old knocked up by a 19-year-old. She hid the pregnancy due to shame and embarrassment of the affair. Yeah, I would be embarrassed too, lady. Then there was one about a woman knocked up by a married man. Throughout the whole episode she kept saying how she hoped every day that he would leave his wife and kids and come back to her. Seriously?! Then, of course, there is the typical teenaged pregnancy: 15-year-old girl impregnated by boy she's only dated 6 months. But oh, they're really in love! Someone gag me! This is just a sample of the types of stories featured on this show. See what I mean, like a bad accident, right? Being subjected to the stupidity of these women absolutely makes me blood boil. I find myself yelling obscenities at the TV nearly every time. Have these women never heard of condoms, or birth control pills? C'mon ladies! And most of them are certainly old enough to know better.
Last week's episode, however, was a glaring exception that broke my heart. This woman wasn't like all the others featured on the show. She had a husband, a nice home, and financial stability. She was keeping her pregnancy a secret because 9 months earlier she had given birth to a stillborn baby. She was hiding the pregnancy from friends and family because she feared her second child would suffer the same fate. And in a cruel twist of irony, her second child was due to be delivered on the same day as her first. She had only a few weeks left in her pregnancy when she finally gained the support of friends and family. There were a few complications with delivery, but the baby ultimately went on to be happy and healthy.
First of all, I just don't get how these women can be successful in hiding their pregnancies for 8-9 months. Are you seriously telling me that no one notices?! One woman resorted to wrapping tap around her belly to "hold her stomach in," and another hid her ultrasound photos behind the TV because she didn't want her mom to see them while she was cleaning. Yeah, let's all take a moment and marvel at the stupidity.
This makes me so angry because if I were pregnant I would be shouting it from the roof tops and telling the whole world. Heck, it will take all my restraint not to tell people as soon as I get that BFP!!! I could never imagine being ashamed of my baby and hiding the wonderful news from my loved ones. I just don't get it. My husband and I are in a loving committed relationship, we are financially stable, and have a nice home. We are able to provide for our children, and it's idiots like this who pop them out like it's nothing. Idiots who don't understand the full gravity and responsibiliy of being a parent, nor do they deserve such an honor. They take their children and the title of mother for granted. I fail to understand why it is so easy for women like that, and yet I am still waiting. Where is the justice in the world?!
End rant.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I think the hardest thing about making an appointment with the RE was finally having to admit to myself that yes, I am infertile. Not really a camp I want to belong to. Though, none of us choose this, of course. I mean, if it's gotten to this point I must be, right??? Finally, my worst nightmare is coming true, and I am faced with the very thing I sooooo hoped it wouldn't come to when we started out on this journey. When we began down this path a little more than a year ago I was so hopeful. I am still hopeful, but in a very different way now. To add insult to injury, I heard the news today that Michelle Dugger is now pregnant with her 20th child!! Yes, 20th. I wanted to post on FB about how sick that made me, but I feared pissing off or offending someone. Here, I don't have to worry because this is my private space and I know that many of you ladies will "get" exactly how and what, I am feeling. If I'm being honest, the word revulsion comes to mind. Like so many of you reading this, my husband and I are praying for just one baby, ONE, and she is on #20?! It is sickening, illogical, and downright unjust! I also can't begin to imagine the shape her uterus must be in...
I can't help but think of Bill and Jen from The Little Couple, and the recent loss they suffered. I was so elated with joy for them, and then in the space of the same breath so heartbroken. It just isn't fair. I know that sounds lame but what else is there to say? My heart goes out to them and I truly admire their strength and determination to move forward in achieving their dreams of parenthood...
Interesting that for some of us the hard decisions we make for our children come about even before they are conceived. The decision to go to the RE, to start on that next path, was a decision made for our future child in the hope that someday (SOON!) we will meet him or her. I am scared because I know that once we start on this path, there is no turning back, and I'm not exactly sure what's ahead. All I know is, January can't get here fast enough! I may seem brave-faced now, but the closer time gets I am going to be a nervous wreck!
I can't help but think of Bill and Jen from The Little Couple, and the recent loss they suffered. I was so elated with joy for them, and then in the space of the same breath so heartbroken. It just isn't fair. I know that sounds lame but what else is there to say? My heart goes out to them and I truly admire their strength and determination to move forward in achieving their dreams of parenthood...
Interesting that for some of us the hard decisions we make for our children come about even before they are conceived. The decision to go to the RE, to start on that next path, was a decision made for our future child in the hope that someday (SOON!) we will meet him or her. I am scared because I know that once we start on this path, there is no turning back, and I'm not exactly sure what's ahead. All I know is, January can't get here fast enough! I may seem brave-faced now, but the closer time gets I am going to be a nervous wreck!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Big Changes Ahead!
So this morning I bit the bullet and finally made an appointment with a fertility clinic. I must have stared at the phone for several minutes before summoning the courage to dial, but finally I did. The whole process was painless and only took a few minutes. So I now have an appointment mid January. They had an opening as early as November 19th, but DH and I discussed it and felt that with the holidays coming up, it would be best to wait. At least this gives me plenty of time to really process everything and let it sink in, prepare myself for what's coming down the road. And should I by some miracle get pregnant this month or the next, I could always just cancel my appointment.
The RE I'm seeing is the same one that helped my dear friend get pregnant with twins. The clinic is in the next town over which is 30-45 minutes away, so not exactly a convenience, but if this guy helps me get our baby any amount of distance traveled will be immeasurably worth it! It may seem like such a small thing but this really is a big step for us. For the first time in at least two months I feel like I have hope again. A plan. A direction. A path to follow. We are moving forward. I sat my fears aside to prove that I will do anything for our unborn child! So looks like DH and I are embarking on a new journey in 2012....
The RE I'm seeing is the same one that helped my dear friend get pregnant with twins. The clinic is in the next town over which is 30-45 minutes away, so not exactly a convenience, but if this guy helps me get our baby any amount of distance traveled will be immeasurably worth it! It may seem like such a small thing but this really is a big step for us. For the first time in at least two months I feel like I have hope again. A plan. A direction. A path to follow. We are moving forward. I sat my fears aside to prove that I will do anything for our unborn child! So looks like DH and I are embarking on a new journey in 2012....
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