Wonders never cease....

So, last night hubby and I were over at the in-laws' for a family dinner. Neither one of us really wanted to be there in the first place because it was rainy and wet and we both just wanted to be home, but that's beside the point...Half way through waiting for dinner to get ready, I hear my pseudo-sister-in-law (I say pseudo because she and my brother-in-law are NOT married) say that she would be SO upset if she found out she were pregnant again. Now, keep in mind that she said this KNOWING that I was inches away and could hear her. And thanks to my mother-in-law and her big mouth, everyone in the family knows that we have been TTC for the past year. Seriously?! How do you say something like that in front of someone you know is desperately wanting/trying to have a baby?! Insensitive much?! It took all my self-restraint to keep from jumping up and slapping her. It really upset me and I have already been so emotional lately anyway (think it's my BC). If I didn't know better I'd say she did this on purpose, especially given that we aren't exactly each others' favorite people...

Let me provide you a little back story on my pseudo-sis-in-law. She and my bro-in-law have one child together as the result of a drunken night of sex (sans protection) mere months into their relationship. The two barely knew each other before she announced to the whole family that she was preggers. I was devastated, of course. This was back before my husband and I had started trying for a child of own (we were engaged at the time), but the longing to be a mother was there even then. I think that longing has always been a part of me. Even as a little girl I KNEW I wanted to be a mommy. So, when my pseudo-sis-in-law announced her pregnancy it hurt...BAD! Little did I know at the time, however, that this would not be the last time I would have to go through that sort of pain...Fast-forward to my other pseudo-sis-in-law announcing a pregnancy. I thought, "OH GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BE HAPPENING AGAIN!" I remember as soon as my husband told me the news I burst into tears..I mean, I was in hysterics! It just felt like deja-vu all over again and I couldn't believe it was happening a second time! Same deal as before, she and my brother-in-law had only been dating on and off a few months before she came up pregnant (Seriously?! Does no one in my husband's family know how to use protection?! C'mon people!). My brother-in-law had even broke up with her a few times to date some other skank (and I do mean skank, believe me!) with a kid before he ended up back with her. Smart move on his part!

Now, unlike my first pseudo sis-in-law, I actually really like this one and she and I have a pretty good relationship. My bro-in-law proposed to her and they are supposed to tie-the-knot at some indeterminate future date...And unlike pseudo-sis-in law #1,  Pseudo-sis-in law #2 is a great mom, you can tell she really loves her children and that they are her world...that's how it should be! (she has a 4-year-old son from a previous relationship, the father died in a car accident). Pseudo-sis-in-law #1 is a completely different story! She sits at home smoking pot all day when she should be taking care of her 3-old-daughter! She also refuses to work, while my poor brother-in-law is working a crappy sub-minimum-wage job just to make ends meet!  She is a terrible mother who completely takes her kids for granted, yet she can have them just like that?! No trouble at all...Where is the justice in the world?! She also has a 7-year-old son from a previously failed marriage, which she and the father have shared custody of. This kid is a brat with the worst attitude, and the sad part is that the 3-year-old is turning out to be the exact same way! She is the cutest little girl you have ever seen but her attitude stinks...she wants nothing to do with anybody that's not her mommy! Pseudo-sis-in-law #2 is a great mommy, her 4-year-old son is the best, sweetest little boy!

I bring all this up just to give an idea of where I'm coming from and what my situation is. So, as you can see, both of my brothers-in-law "accidentally" impregnated women they had only known for mere months. This leaves my husband and I the odd men out as we are the only childless ones left. Does this not seem backwards to anyone else?! Here my husband and I are, having done things the right way, and WE are the one's without a child?! Again I ask, where is the justice in this world?! I guess the key to getting pregnant is having a drunken night of sex. Lord knows my hubby and I had our share of those when we were in our early 20s, the difference is we were always smart enough to use protection because we knew that we weren't emotionally or financially ready to have a baby at that time.Sort of makes me wish we had started young, because I know that even at 27 my fertility rate has already dropped...which scares the crap out of me! If we had been stupid enough back then to get pregnant like them, would things be different now? Would I be a mommy by now, or would I still be going through this heartache? I guess we'll never know...Apparently if you have no business having a baby you can get pregnant no problem; but if you are in a committed, loving, marriage, are financially secure, and have love to give a child, it is then that you will have difficulty.  It is just doesn't make sense, and frankly the whole thing leaves me in a blind rage! I feel like a freak who apparently can't give my husband what everyone else already has! And I forgot to mention that before my pseudo-sis-in-law even started, as soon as I came in and sat down in the living room my mother-in-law was asking if I had any news. Really?! You don't think you would be one of the first to know if I found I was pregnant?! I probably wouldn't even need to  use the phone because she could hear me shouting I'd be so over-the-moon with happiness! Plus, she knows I am on the pill until May anyway. Then she said, "yeah, but I am hoping it will happen "accidentally" while you're on it. Thanks mom, way to make me feel even more guilty about the fact that I haven't given your son a child yet. I know she means no harm, of course, and that she is just excited for her oldest son to give her a grandchild, but it just hurts having her ask all the time when my answer is always no. I  desperately long to give him that child, our child...They say good things come to those who wait, well I'm sick of waiting! LOL

P.S. I think my BC must be causing me to have weird dreams. Last night I drempt that my cousin announced she was pregnant...now I'm terrified that it's some sort of sign! God, I hope not! I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but the next person in this family who announces a pregnancy better be me! I am already so sick of being on BC, I'll be so glad when it's over and we can move on.

Updates!

Wow, so much has happened since I updated last! First off, we finally got our loan so that's wonderful news! After weeks of going from bank to bank and getting rejected due to our "lack of credit history", we finally end up back at our bank where we get pre-approved in less than a day! If only we had just stuck with them initially instead of being so quick to explore other options - I think it would have saved us a lot of frustration and we may have gotten the loan sooner. But we have it now so that's all that matters! Now we are faced with the daunting task of actually finding a house! Speaking of, here comes the really awesome part - turns out the house we love wasn't sold after all (the previous offer fell through), so we ended up making an offer the same day we got approved for our loan! Just heard back from them today - they countered so we countered back. We'll just have to see where things go from here. Hopefully not too much longer now! I find myself getting impatient. Between waiting for the loan and now waiting to agree on an offer, it's just a lot more time-consuming than I anticipated or expected (but I've never bought a house before so what do I know?) I guess the problem is that I am wanting things to move at warp speed and instead they seem to be progressing excruciatingly slowly, ugh! A part of me would rather just offer them the full asking price and be done with it, but hubby wants to see if we can get it for less. I guess I can see the logic in that, especially considering all the money we are going to be putting in - new carpet throughout, new bed/mattress for our room, lawn mower, possible new washer and dryer, stuff to decorate the nursery, and who knows what other furniture we may end up needing, including a TV stand for our 60" monster! And we have to get all the locks changed. - I imagine that we will hold off on most of the furniture - especially the nursery, although that is the room I am really anxious to get my hands on and start decorating, despite the fact that I am not even pregnant yet. :( I don't really expect them to accept less than the list price on the house, but I suppose we can always hope.

Hubby said that I could go ahead and get the nursery ready. Of course, I would stick with neutrals. Part of me wonders though  is it even a good idea? Would it be too painful to have this room fully decorated and ready for a baby but no baby? Would our families think we're crazy when they come over and see that it is all set up and ready to go? Would they not be understanding? And of course the dreaded question, "Are you pregnant?" Plus there's the fact that with what my OBGYN is going to be giving me to induce ovulation, there is a chance of multiple births - so what if we end up with more than one baby?!  I know that going ahead and getting the nursery ready would be painful - a constant, daily reminder of the emptiness in our lives waiting to be filled.  At the same time, however, I think that doing so would be extremely therapeutic and healing.  I can definitely see there are pros and cons to each choice. I wonder if this is something that all women hoping/trying to conceive a child struggle with? I can't even begin to express how thrilled I am just to know that we will have a room designated for our baby - that alone gives me so much hope, just to know that that room is there and waiting for our child.

I really feel that as soon as we move out and get settled into our own home I will get pregnant because there will be so much less stress. I love my grandmother and am truly grateful for all she has done for us - giving us a place to stay when we probably would have been homeless otherwise - but at the same time I feel a young married couple should NOT have to live with their grandmother! As I said, I love my grandmother, but I don't know how much longer I can survive here in the same house with her. She is very intrusive into our business and always trying to stick her nose where it doesn't belong - that gets old after a while. Not to mention that we have ZERO privacy - a hard thing for any married couple, but especially when TTC! My grandmother was there for us when my husband and I fell on hard times and I am eternally grateful for that. If it wasn't for her allowing us to continue staying here and save up for a house after hubby got a job - we wouldn't be in the exciting process of buying our first home now. So, I know what it means and what she has sacrificed for us - We invaded her personal space not only with ourselves but with our two pugs and a cat! I am sure that much like us, she is anxious to reclaim her life - her home - again. I think that at the end of the day that's what we all want - to get our lives back to normal.

I know that in the past I took it for granted when we had our own space, when we were surrounded by our own belongings, when it was just us and we didn't have to watch what we say and do or answer a barrage of questions, and our business was just that - OURS! I can say that after this experience I will never again take these things for granted! I am just so anxious to be in our own space again - to be surrounded by our belongings, to have it just be the two of us again - though hopefully not for much longer! :)  I am just so excited to decorate the whole house and really have pride in our living space - as that is something we have never really had our experienced before. In the past we have always rented, and of course you keep it nice, but there is also this element of not caring as much because it's not yours, you don't own it. I just have so many plans already brewing in my head for our new home. I just hope that everything works out because I don't think I could take being disappointed by another set-back.

In other news, you'll never guess what I received in the mail the other day? A coupon book from Target filled with nothing but coupons for baby stuff - clothes,  furniture, bottles, car seats, etc. - Seriously?! Is the universe playing some cruel joke at my expense?! I felt like I had been punched in the gut when I saw it. Yeah, universe, way to kick me when I'm down. I really have no idea why they would have sent it to me. On the other hand, maybe it's a sign of good things to come! Here's hoping! :)

Need to get this off my chest....

Taking a break from my regularly scheduled blog to get something off my chest...

Some people are just really crappy friends. Hate to say it, but man is it the truth; and as we are all aware, sometimes the truth hurts. Do you ever wonder why you keep certain people in your life? Is it years of history and the allure of a shared past that make it difficult to let go? Is it these things which make it difficult to reconcile the fact that the person standing before you now is a far cry from the person you knew 12 years ago? Do you continue hanging on out of hope that maybe, just maybe, sparks will fly and somehow the two of you will find a connection again? Or, could it simply be that too much has happened between then and now, and it is impossible to get that spark back? Am I living in the past? Trying desperately to recapture that which is lost to me forever? Am I a fool for holding onto hope?

It has been obvious for quite some time, that I care a great deal more about this person than they do me. We all know that that kind of one-sidedness spells disaster in any relationship.Is it time to really give up and move on, throw in the towel entirely? The sad truth of the matter is, this person probably wouldn't even notice or care that I'm gone. For too long she has taken my friendship for granted. I give and give, constantly trying to make a connection, constantly trying to reach out, only to get nothing in return. It's obvious that this "friend" cares nothing for my happiness and is, in fact, threatened by it. Seriously, what kind of friend begrudges another their happiness? And "best friends" at that! Maybe we were never BFFs, maybe it was all just some illusion in my mind. Did she ever care for me the way I did for her? It's obvious this friend has moved on and I have been replaced. Moved on to a better life, better friends, a better family (or so she thinks, and that's the sad part).

How do you just say goodbye to 12 years of friendship? How do you throw it all away? How do you forget the memories and times spent together? How do you forget the past? It angers me that I have so much trouble with this, when obviously it means nothing to my "friend." How do you accept that the person you have loved and cared for for years, just doesn't give a damn about you?

So, I am moving on. I am doing so because I deserve better. I deserve someone who is actually going to check up on me and see how I'm doing, someone who actually cares about what's going on in my life and gives a damn about the struggles I'm going through, someone who truly and genuinely, wishes me happiness and success. As of now, I honestly feel that I could die tomorrow and you would not care. Hell, you probably wouldn't even know because you aren't a part of my life.

I want you to know, however, that unlike you, I don't begrudge you happiness. I hope you find whatever you're looking for. I hope that in time you can get back to yourself, as opposed to the hollow shell of a person you are now. I will not mourn the end of our friendship, because I will carry with me the memories of the person I knew; you, however, are not her. You have become someone completely unrecognizable to me. You are not a bad person, I believe there is a lot of good in you; and beneath all of your pain, I know you have a giving heart; but you are a crappy friend.

You have already thrown me away like yesterday's garbage, so I say to you, have a nice life...

Need to rant...ugh!

Okay, so remember that house hubby and I liked so much? We went last week to take measurements, etc. Well, we weren't even halfway down the drive when our realtor called to inform us that someone else had made an offer. To make a long story short, I just refreshed the listing only to discover that the house has been sold. I feel so let down right now. :( I invested so much into that house. I was already thinking about how I was going to decorate, already imagining our kid(s) running around, etc. I really am devastated. I can tell you that this will be the last time I get my hopes up about any property. Lesson learned.

We had already been looking at other properties just in case this one fell through, but the thing is, so far we haven't found anything else out there worth getting excited about.  I ask myself how I could have invested so much into a single property that was never a sure thing. Seriously, what was I thinking?! I really should have known better. But the truth is, I did invest in this home; I invested my hopes, my dreams, my future.

Oh well, I should have realized it wasn't going to be easy, as nothing in my life ever is. Seems I am always waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for a baby, waiting for a house, waiting for my life to REALLY start. I don't mean to sound like I'm having a pity party (although I guess I am), I am very grateful for my many blessings; I know how lucky I am, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in this world. Still, I can't help but feel dejected. I am tired of playing the waiting game. Can't something go right for once?! Yeah, yeah, I know I need to stop being a Debbie-downer and be thankful for all I do have instead of focusing on what I don't. Easier said, of course. All I can think right now is: I DON'T have a baby, I DON'T have a house....(noticing a general theme here? I'm sure you get the idea...).

I had a very encouraging conversation with my mother earlier. She said not to get discouraged and that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Yeah, I'm starting to become very well acquainted with that notion. Funny (and perhaps a little sad, too), that such a platitude is applicable to many areas of my life right now. Well, what more did I expect, really? My journey to motherhood hasn't been easy so far, and from the looks of things, my journey to house-hood isn't going to be a piece of cake either. Boy, God is really trying to build my character isn't he?! LOL. Seriously, I know that God is still with me, and that it is important to give praise not only in times of good, but times of strife.

 I can't help but feel sad, though. And I believe I am entitled to express whatever feelings I have. Man, I really loved that house. :( Wonder if we'll find anything else we like as much?

I am reminded of these lyrics from a Dr. Horrible song:

"Anytime you're hurt there's one who has it worse around."

Very fitting to the subject matter I think...

P.S. Survived my first week of BC. Only 7 more to go!

The beginnings of my journey with BC (and other stuff)

Well, yesterday I began my 2-month journey with birth control. I have mixed emotions about this. Hubby and I are not thrilled about losing out on 2 months of potential baby-making. The last time I was on BC I was 23, and I'm worried about possible side-effects. How ironic that from 19 to 23 I was using BC as a means to avoid pregnancy, and now at 27 (almost 28), I am using it in the hopes of eventually becoming pregnant. Oh, how far we've come. I wish there was another way to regulate my cycle, but apparently this is the only option. As my obgyn explained it, he is not able to give me anything for ovulation until my cycles have regulated. I keep trying to remind myself that it is (hopefully) only 2 months and that it will all be worth it in the long run. Hopefully these 2 months will be just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended), and we can then move on to something to induce ovulation. In the back of my mind, though, I still hear this voice of nagging doubt saying, ''what if it's a waste of time?" What if it doesn't work?" "What if there are side-effects or complications?" "What if it just isn't effective?"  If you are familiar with BC, than you know that the long list of side-effects can be pretty darn scary! I just keep telling myself that I was on it for 5 years and never had a problem, so hopefully there won't be any problem now. And besides, this is a very temporary situation. Those 2 months will fly by and then we can get into the real "meat" of helping me (us) get pregnant! I keep reminding myself that my doctor is doing this to help me in the long-run. And thankfully, I have a wonderful obgyn whom I trust and know has my best interest at heart. I couldn't ask for more.

I keep thinking how far I (we've) come in such a short time since this whole process began. I began this journey with fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Through it all, however, one constant has remained at the forefront - my dream of becoming a mother. That is what all of this has been for, and why I will continue this fight in pursuit of my (our) dream of parenthood. In my mind and heart there is no worthier cause. Feelings of fear and uncertainty have now been replaced by relief, joy, hope, and utter blessing (see previous blog). I find that now some of the resentment and bitterness I have felt towards mothers and pregnant women in general has dissipated somewhat. Yes, it still stings when I hear of a woman getting pregnant "just like that," or a teen getting pregnant from a drunken one-night-stand, etc., but the sting is not as bad or overpowering as before. For some women it seems that their husband can just look at them and they will find themselves "with child." I, unfortunately, do not seem to have that "problem." But boy would it be wonderful if I could just borrow even a third of their fertility. Many women take their reproductive anatomy for granted, because conceiving comes so easily for them that they don't have to give it much thought. But not me; no sir, no way. I am so blessed in the knowledge that my "lady parts" are in working order and that my reproductive anatomy is healthy. This fact alone gives me more hope and comfort than I can even begin to describe. I defy anyone to say that someone up there isn't looking out for us. I know that God is in our corner and that means the world to me! Hopefully we can take this as a sign that the "big guy" thinks we will be wonderful parents and hubby and I will be blessed soon. :)

And the blessings just keep coming! Hubby and I looked at houses over the weekend and found one we really love! We are in talks with the bank right now and if all goes well we will hopefully be calling this home! I am already thinking about how I want to decorate the baby's room. :) I can totally see my hubby and I starting/raising a family in this home. I can already hear our child laughing and playing there. One thing's for sure, I know that God has his hands on my (our) life, and that the desires of our heart(s) WILL happen in due time. I hope that in the next few months as I continue on my fertility journey, this blog will take on a much happier tone. :-)

The road ahead...

So, went to my follow-up appointment with obgyn yesterday and the news was very good! Doc said that he was "very pleased" with what he saw on the D&C. Normal looking uterine cavity, normal thickness of lining, and tubes nice and open. No evidence of cancer on uterine scraping, and pap came back normal! He said I can now rest assured and breathe a sigh of relief that physically everything is fine and can be ruled out as a cause for my inability to get pregnant. I honestly cannot express what a relief it was to hear these words. After over a year of worry and fear I can now be completely secure in the knowledge that my reproductive organs are fine. This is huge news! It really feels as though I have finally been unburdened of the huge weight I have been carrying for over a year. I now feel lighter both mentally and spiritually. I now know that the things I need to conceive, and nurture a healthy, developing baby are all in working order. This is wonderful news and honestly means the world to me! I know that somebody upstairs is on my (our) side and looking out for me (us). I don't deserve it, but I know it's true.

So, the plan now is to do two months of birth control and see how that works out. The hope is that the BC will "trick" my body into doing what it needs to. I wish there was another way to regulate my cycle but apparently this is the only option available. I (we) are not thrilled about losing two months of potential baby-making time; but hey, it could be worse and will all be worth it in the end.  After the two months of BC we will begin something to help with ovulation. Doc said we have a little bit of a road ahead, but I know it is a road filled with hope! :-)

P.S. I have the best obgyn in the world! He was even nice enough to prescribe some antibiotics for this cold that's been kicking my ass!