Round Two = No Go

Well, not only did I NOT get pregnant on the first cycle of Clomid, the second cycle has now been canceled due to a large cyst on my left ovary. So it looks like we are sitting it out this month. They said we can still try naturally, but after almost 2 years of TTC, I don't hold much hope of that happening. We will try though, because I would rather have a little bit of hope doing something, than wallow in despair doing nothing.

 To say I am upset about this latest development would be an understatement. I drove half an hour to my fertility clinic this morning, fully expecting to leave with a script for Clomid. What i got, however, was a surprise I'd not bargained for. In the back of my mind I had worried about the possibility of a cyst, especially since my RE suggested it as the reason for my late period. Right ovary and uterus looked good, but then she got to the left and there was this big, round black blob obscuring my ovary.

She wasn't sure and thought it may even be a shadow, so she wanted to get the other IF doctor just to make sure (my RE was out of the office). So I'm lying there on the table, legs in stirrups, my bottom half covered in a paper sheet while I wait what feels like an eternity for the nurse to return with the RE. Finally they make it back. The female RE seems nice, though I have never met her before. We engage in small talk as she preps the "wand" for re-insertion and takes a look around (talk about an awkward first meeting)! She says that right ovary and uterus look "beautiful," but we get to the left one and there again, is the big black blob. She confirms what I already knew at this point, a cyst. I also know this means no Clomid this cycle.

I am freaked out by the blob, though the nurse and RE assure me that it is nothing to be concerned over and more an inconvenience than anything else. I try to keep it together, repeating over and over in my head, "don't start crying, you'll only make a bad situation worse." Well, apparently I didn't listen because then the water works started. Both ladies were really kind and compassionate,  handing out the requisite tissues and kind pats on the shoulder saying, "you'll get there" (they probably deal with crying women every day). I don't think I'll feel better until I hear what my RE has to say. I think I'll call later this week and see if he's had a chance to look the images over, though I don't imagine his opinion will be much or any different from the other RE's.

So, I left the office feeling defeated and here we are. Funny, that today marks the first day of spring. A time of rebirth, regrowth, and new life. It seems kind of ironic, like mother nature is just slapping me in the face. Apparently the only thing I know how to grow is yucky cysts. Will I ever succeed in creating life?

I've consulted Dr. Google and apparently cysts from Clomid are very common. It's just so frustrating that the very medicine designed to help you get pregnant, can actually make it where you can't take it. I really hope it's not going to be one month on one month off until I get pregnant, because that will get old VERY FAST. Actually, the whole thing is frustrating and I don't understand why we have to go through this at all. I feel as though I've let both myself and my husband down, even though rationally I'm aware that I have no control over any of this.

Question: How many of you ladies out there have gotten cysts from Clomid and how often? It really sucks to be benched from this cycle when I had such hope for the second go round!

The Fat Lady has Sung

Well, AF finally arrived on Friday. This is good in the sense that we can now move on. Bad in that I can no longer live in denial about a potential pregnancy. The first round failed and that is that. I have to say I'm glad AF finally reared her ugly head, because I was getting SICK of seeing BFNs on HPTs every. Other. Day. Talk about torture. And if you think about it, AF sure does have a sense of humor, stringing me along all week and then showing up at the last possible second. Well this chick is not amused. Literally, after I talked to the IF nurse for the second time on Friday, I went home an hour later and discovered that I had begun spotting, only to have AF start in full force not an hour after that. But at least it saved me from the pain and heartbreak of having to begin my week with a BFN, That counts for something right??

So now I am just waiting on a call from the IF nurse to come in for an ultrasound. I was hoping to go in this afternoon and get it over with, but as I live half an hour away and haven't heard from her yet, it doesn't look like today will be the day. The best I can hope for now is tomorrow morning (CD5). I still don't know yet if he is going to keep me on the same dosage this cycle (50mg) or up it to 100. I didn't really notice any negative side-effects with the 50, but an upped dosage may be a different story...

And let's be honest here, at least part of the reason I was hoping to get a BFP the first round was because then I wouldn't have to do anymore of those damned ultrasounds. I've done two already and can't tell you how much I hate them. Not only are they uncomfortable, but just flat out embarrassing. Nothing like being spread eagle in front of your dr. and a few nurses. And when AF is in town....well, that just makes the whole experience a million times worse. You ladies know what I'm talking about. Something tells me though that there is guaranteed to be many more humiliating moments in my near future, so I might as well stop whining and get it over it. Besides, when you're a woman dealing with IF, you don't have the luxury of being modest anymore; any hope of such just flies right out the window. But, gotta suck it up and do what I gotta do.

So, as it is now past noon, it looks like I have narrowly escaped being violated for today; tomorrow, however, promises a much different story. I just realized the other day that June will mark 2 years in the TTC game for DH and I. Oh, how depressing that is. The things we endure for the chance at a happy ending, and I can only hope that ours is right around the corner...

Well, got a call from IF nurse yesterday afternoon. She sounded just as bummed as I was about my BFN. :( I have been instructed to wait until Thursday and test again. If AF still hasn't showed she will  call in Provera for me. She said it's possible that I ovulated later than they calculated, etc., etc. Well, I took a test this morning, too, and still BFN, so at this point I don't have much hope of that changing. I don't get it, though, If I clearly O'd on my own, why would I need the Provera again to force a period? It just doesn't make any sense to me...

In less than a month I turn 29 (DH 32). I was really hoping to have some good news to celebrate by then, but it doesn't look like that will happen now. My IF nurse is so kind and compassionate. Yeah, I know she has to deal with this sort of thing all the time, but when she's talking to you she has this way of making you feel like you really matter. I hate IF, but if we must go through it, we are blessed to have such a caring team in our corner, rooting for us.

P.S. I am absolutely disgusted with FB. I actually had an acquaintance post on my wall last night, "So, any good news yet?" Seriously? First of all, does she not think that if I HAD good news I would have shared it by now (hell, I'd be shouting it from the roof tops). Secondly, even if I did have good news I would probably share it with family first before posting it to the world. I mean, really? How insensitive can people be? I should also mention that this is coming from someone who already has two children and is trying for a third. I see this as nothing more than her rubbing her fertility in my face and doing it deliberately. I guess this is the price I pay for being so open, but you know what, it's our journey, our struggle, and I am not ashamed. Although, people like this individual certainly should be. I swear, I have thought many times about just deleting my account and being done with it, but there are a few people I actually want to keep in contact with. 

Round One = Epic Fail.

Well, looks like the first round of Clomid was a bust. I took a test yesterday afternoon, BFN, But my urine was diluted so I decided to repeat the test again this AM with FMU, BFN. Waiting on the nurse to call me back as to where we go from here. AF still hasn't showed so I guess I wait out this week and retest if she still hasn't arrived.

I just don't understand. There's every reason it should have worked and yet it did not. I am fine until I talk to DH about it and then the water works start. I just wish I didn't have to cry every time I get a damn BFN. But how do you NOT take it personally when it's one of the most personal things in the world? And not only do I have to process and come to terms with a negative outcome, I now also have the pleasure of telling the news to my IF nurse, while trying to keep it together at the same time. Oh, and to add further insult to injury, just as I am getting my BFN, I go on FB and happen to see that an acquaintance of a mutual friend just gave birth.

I feel like I'm being punished by God or something. Why else would it be this hard? I am trying to dust myself off and keep moving, but really all I want to do right now is curl up into a little ball. I'm trying to focus my energy on other things I have going on: school, job interview on Thursday, etc., but now in the wake of such a let down it all seems like so much to bear. But life goes on and the world keeps turning so what can you do? I'm convinced I will never see a second line on an HPT, that it's all nothing more than a conspiracy.

*EDIT* Why do I even bother to tell people how I feel? They don't really care and I'm tired of talking. All people seem to do is offer some lame platitude like, "I understand," when they really have no clue at all I. I am done confiding in others. All it does is make me feel more alone...P.S. this was not directed at anyone here, but to a few people IRL.

Well, I just got a call from the IF nurse with some surprising news. Apparently I DID ovulate! I have now been instructed to take an HPT ASAP and call her with the results. I am trying to bear in mind that regardless of the outcome, the fact that I O'd on the first round is in itself worth celebrating! It goes without saying that it would be beyond wonderful if I were pregnant. Off to test! Wish me baby dust!

This is totally me. A week has gone by and still no call from the nurse about my BW. Surely, I would have heard something by now. The wait is driving me crazy! I have decided that if I don't hear from her by the end of the day, I am going to call her first thing Monday morning! I have now convinced myself that because I haven't heard anything the news must not be good. Maybe they only call if it's good news? I won't be surprised to hear I didn't respond to the first round, I just want to know either way. I don't feel pregnant either. I know it would be too early to tell anyway but I just don't get that vibe. I mean, if I were pregnant shouldn't I have some sort of intuition about it? You hear all the time about women just knowing they were pregnant. Well, I feel nothing except pessimism and despair. And I haven't been symptom spotting either because I figure, what's the point? Yeah, it's safe to say I've pretty much turned into a negative Nancy over here. So much of the infertility game is waiting and I'm just ready to put this failed cycle behind us and move on. I'm anxious to get back on the horse and try again! I am so grateful to our fertility clinic and I really couldn't ask for better care, but still I wish it didn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be this way. But that's an old tune of sung a million times before, so no need to go there right now.

On a positive note, our deck is nearly complete! I've been counting the days waiting for it to be done. You'd think after nearly two years in the TTC game, I would have better honed my patience by now, but not so much as it turns out. In the meantime, I am just trying to focus on and be thankful for all that we DO have, and the mere fact that everyday we live and breathe is a true gift.

A watched pot never boils.

We all know the phrase. Well, apparently it applies to cell phones too because a watched one never rings. Went on Saturday morning to have my serum progesterone done to see if I actually O'd on the Clomid. I got up at 6 am after a restless night's sleep and was out the door by 7 to drive half an hour and ensure I'd be there before 8. Yes, all this for something that takes less than a minute. My clinics rule for holidays and weekends is that if no one shows by 8:20am they close up shop. And who could blame them? I'm sure that they don't want to be there any more than I wanted to get up at the butt crack of dawn on a Saturday after only 2-3hrs sleep at most. And living a half hour away I had to ensure that I would be on time, especially given that this was a time sensitive matter; as so many things in the infertility world seem to be!

Well, here it is Tuesday and I've heard nothing from the nurse yet. At this point I am not very hopeful that I responded at all. I never got a +opk, and I didn't notice any signs of O. It has also occured to me that next month is my birthday. Yep, the big 2-9! I keep telling myself that I'll be fine as long as We get pregnant before I hit 30. Personally, I can't think of anything more depressing. :/ DH also has a birthday next month. Ours are exactly 10 days apart. How cool is that? :)

In non baby related news, we are currently building a deck on the back of our house. Home projects, FTW! At least this is keeping me somewhat distracted, otherwise I probably would have gone crazy by now! We went this past weekend and picked out patio furniture. I am in love with it! It's Martha Stewart and it is oh so nice and comfy. I predict that the back patio will soon become my fave hangout spot. :)