So This is What Infertility Looks Like...

Yikes! I nearly had a panic attack just unpacking all of this.

Laparoscopy

On the 29th I am scheduled to have a laparoscopy. I am having a paratubal cyst removed, and dye injected to check for any blockages in my tubes. So what am I in for? My RE explained it, but I would rather here from someone who has been through it. Is it weird to say I am kinda hoping for a blockage? At least that would explain why the Clomid wasn't successful. (it was successful in the sense that I ovulated every time, but not so in the sense that it never resulted in pregnancy). No blockage means no explanation and that is far worse. This is all being done as a precursor to starting injections. Wish me luck!

In other news, Hubby and I have been on a diet for 3 weeks now. Mainly just cutting down on cabs and sugar, drinking lots of water, etc. I even went back on my prenatal vitamin.  I don't think either of us have really shed any pounds yet, but we both can tell a major difference in how we feel now that we are no longer polluting our bodies with fast food and junk. That alone makes it all worth while to me. I am hoping that losing even 5% to 10% of my body weight will help these fertility treatments be successful.

Anyone have a story about how losing weight helped them to finally conceive? I would love to hear from my fellow PCOS ladies especially, as I know what a challenge it can be to drop pounds with this diagnosis.

Wow, what do you do when your blog isn't even a safe place anymore? This blog used to be my safe haven from all the "fertiles" of the world, but now it seems that my entire reading list is filled with new mommies or those that are currently pregnant. Not to sound harsh. I am immensely happy for each one of you lovely ladies and know how much you deserve it and all the pain, heartache, disappointments, and setbacks each of you have endured to achieve your dream of motherhood. Still though, I can't help but wonder why I keep getting skipped over. When is it going to finally be my turn? Am I not as worthy and deserving as each of you? Have I not met my quota on pain, heartache, disappointments, and failures?

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. It's sad to think that the last two years of our marriage have been spent TTC. It's also scary to realize that if I don't get pregnant soon, we will be coming upon the 3 year mark. How deeply depressing is that? I also had the sudden realization the other day that this January marks a year with the fertility clinic. A year and no progress? Again with the depressing....

 As most of you probably don't know, because who reads this? I did the max 6 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid. so that part of treatment is over and done with. I am waiting to start injections now. It has been a hassle trying to get records from my ob/gyn about whether my FTs were ever evaluated. Finally I got fed up and called the hospital where the the procedure was done and they have the records there. All I have to do is go up and sign a release and they will send the information to the clinic. So that has been the hold up as far as starting the shots. They are trying to keep me from going through the HSG if I don't have to, so hopefully the findings of the hysteroscopy will be enough to go on...

Recently, I have been watching shows like, I'm Having Their Baby and The Baby Wait ( I know, am I crazy or what?!), and it really makes me want to adopt. I want to be a mother now and am tired of waiting. Shows like this may be guilty of glamorizing adoption to a degree, but they have helped me to realize that biological or not, as soon as a baby is placed in a loving couple's arms (and often times even before), the love felt is instant. Of course, I want a child that shares our DNA, that is biologically and genetically ours. I want to go through the experience of pregnancy and all the ups and downs that come with it. I want all of these things and I still hold great hope that they will come to be, but if they do not, I have realized adoption is an option and would not be such a terrible thing. I know that I could love an adopted child just as much as one that grew in my belly for 9 months. I've realized that there is more than one path to creating a family and that some of us take the less-conventional route; not often by choice. I have realized that adoption is something I may want to pursue, regardless of whether or not we have biological children. At the end of the day, I wish to be a mother with a child to love, guide, and teach. We know it's on the table but DH and I both agree that we want to get a little further in this process and see what happens. I am still very much hoping for a success there. I know DH and I will be wonderful parents, however it comes about.

So not only do I feel like i've been ran over by a bus, I also started my period this morning. It's soooo wonderful beginning your day with tears. :(

On to the 6th and final round of clomid. Why are we bothering again?

Ok, so last night I started getting a stuffy nose. I consulted dr. Google again and found that a head cold can be a common early sign of pregnancy for many women. I also thought I was starting my period last night, but since then I have only experienced minimal spotting (brown in color), barely anything on the TP and nothing on the pad (TMI Alert!).

Could the head cold be a sign of pregnancy or completely coincidental? If it is just a cold, maybe that's what throwing AF off. Sure, I'm not bleeding now, but I know that could change at any moment (she is a trickster that AF).

I was going to try and hold out until at least CD35, but if it's still like this tomorrow should I go ahead and test? I am currently on CD31 and no idea when exactly I ovulated, only that I definitely did. It is also not unlike me to have some spotting before AF, so that may be all this is.

Maybe I am just wishing too hard for symptoms. Yes, I could be pregnant, but it also may just be a result of the changing season and me sleeping with the fan on at night (lol).

Did any of you experience a stuffy nose before you found out you were pregnant? I just feel generally blah with a stuffy nose and maybe a slight fever but no other symptoms.

Help me out ladies!

Infertility in the Media

Show of hands, ladies, who would want this to be your RE? Not that attractiveness should be a priority when it comes to finding a highly qualified doctor to assist a couple in building their family.  I'm merely arguing that if we have to go through this anyway, shouldn't we at least be allowed something pretty to look at to help us through the process? Is that too much to ask? lol. Fertility doctors do not look like this in real life. My RE is an old guy with glasses (but he is highly skilled and accomplished in assisted reproduction and that's what matters. He doesn't need to be a pretty face to help my husband and I get our miracle baby. In fact, my husband is probably glad he isn't a pretty face. lol.). My point with all this is, TV glamorizes everything. Private Practice, in my opinion, is pretty good when it comes to a realistic portrayal of the pain of infertility, but c'mon, the doctors are waaaaay too good looking. So not realistic. lol. Then again, it is television, why have reality when we can enjoy the fantasy?

I was watching a show yesterday about infertility and this woman and her husband had been trying like crazy for 7 years to have a child. They had suffered numerous failed IVFs and eventually they lost their home and she lost her job due to all the treatments. If an employer fires someone because of fertility treatments, wouldn't that be an act of discrimination? My heart just bleeds for this couple. The show offered them a free round of IVF and I really hope it works for them! It is terrifying to think that my husband and I could still be at this 5 years from now. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

What portrayals of infertility, realistic or otherwise, have you spotted in the media?

Just a quick update, I am now on CD 29. This is when I started last month but so far no sign of AF. I am super paranoid every time I go to the restroom. Hopefully she'll stay away for the right reasons! My IF nurse said I could test Monday, but I'm going to try to hold out until at least CD35 if AF hasn't shown.  Where many women are obsessed with POAS during the TWW, I am terrified of doing so too early and suffering that disappointment of a BFN if AF is just gonna show anyway. Why go there if I don't have to? It's hard enough as it is.

I've had no symptoms other than the typical AF symptoms. My breasts were sore for a few days but I attribute that to the high progesterone. The really strange thing is, early this week I felt like I was coming down with something. It lasted only a day or two and then was gone. I googled cold symptoms and sure enough they can be a sign of pregnancy. Dr. Google is really not a friend when it comes to symptom spotting. Everything, and I mean everything, can be a sign of pregnancy.

Serum Progesterone level was 32 this time around. I know it doesn't mean anything because the time before last it was 26 and I still wasn't pregnant. Sadly, I don't think I am now either because it's CD26 and I already have symptoms of AF showing her ugly face. I only have one round of clomid left and then it's on to injectables. Honestly, I don't think the clomid is going to get it done, so we're pretty much just wasting time at this point. If the four rounds didn't work, what are the odds that the last two will be successful? Yeah, I don't have much hope. And did I mention we will be starting injectibles in December if everything remains on schedule? Wow, that is stressful all on it's own. Paying $800-$1,000 on meds right in the midst of the holiday spending frenzy. Crazy! Not to mention the fact that my husband will be giving me a shot in the bum every day. Did I mention I hate needles?! Oh, the things some of us endure for our children before we even have them. The way I see it, this kid's college fund is already being spent!

One thing I've realized, I'm tired of not having kids. I'm tired of my husband and I being the only ones at holidays and family functions without children of our own. I'm tired of being the one called upon to work on Halloween night so that everyone else can take their children trick-or-treating. "Oh yeah, let's ask the infertile with no kids to cover for us, she won't mind! After all, what better does she have to do?" I'm tired of making innocent posts on Facebook followed by women asking if I have caught their "condition." The way I see it, this is just your excuse to brag about the fact that you're pregnant and I'm not. Yeah, thanks for rubbing that in. I had nearly forgotten that my uterus is barren. Thanks for the reminder!

I have a friend who recently found out she is pregnant for the second time. She was actually seeing the same RE I'm seeing. It seems like it only took her a few months to get pregnant, less than a year. I know she really struggled to get pregnant the first time around and suffered multiple miscarriages before having her son. She and I both have PCOS. I don''t mean to sound heartless as I really an happy for her. Truly, no one deserves it more. I just can't help but feel, "why not me?" Why am I being lapped? Why am I the one always skipped over? Why is everyone pregnant before me? Can't it be my turn now? Just once, can't my husband and I be the ones in the spotlight? So now my friend has two little ones where I still have none. She was blessed before but is doubly blessed now. I'm sure she knows this, it just hurts that it's not me.

And I hate when fellow IFers seem to so quickly forget where they came from. I am not referring to my friend here, but sadly I know a few women who are this way. Maybe it's easy for me to say now, because I am still in the midst of all the pain and anguish that IF brings, but I plan to never forget the struggle that it took in bringing us to our unborn child. They say that if you have struggled through the heartbreak and disappointment of IF, you appreciate your children all the more. I believe this to be so true!