Fear of the unknown

So, I had my ultrasound done Thursday morning. Miraculously, my bladder didn't explode. They called me back rather quickly and the whole thing took all of ten minutes. My DH watched the whole thing as it was being done. Me, I faced the wall the whole time. Was too afraid of looking and seeing something that just didn't look "right." When we were done I asked the tech if she could tell me anything about what she saw (I knew the answer already, of course, but had to ask anyway). She said she wasn't allowed to say anything (surprise, surprise) but if they felt it was something "worthy of my attention" they would call. So since Thursday afternoon I have been jumping every time my cell rings, afraid it's doctors calling to deliver bad news. And I'm left wondering, what would be considered "worthy of my attention" in the first place? I am so so scared. What if they found cancer? tumors? A mass? Surely, they wouldn't wait until Wednesday to tell me if it was something like that, right? Right?!  Suddenly, this whole process is all too real and I can't handle it. There are pictures of my insides out there now. Whatever they found could change our lives, our dreams, our hopes for the future, forever. And if it's bad news, I dunno if I'm prepared to deal with that. I've been trying to immerse myself in work; trying to live and act like a normal human being in the meantime...I think I'm failing miserably. I've come this far, if I can just make it through today and tomorrow, Wednesday I will finally have answers, whether I want them or not...

Ultrasound tomorrow.

So, got my blood work done Monday, now tomorrow morning I go for my ultrasound. Hope my bladder can hold the 32 ounces of water I am required to drink beforehand. We shall see...

Hope.

A beautiful word, and something I didn't have much of until yesterday. So, I went to my gyno appointment. The good news? I didn't die. Yep, I survived. I have to get some blood work done and go for an ultrasound, then I have to go back in 2 weeks to find out the results. It may not seem like much, but it's a start. At least we are now on the path and headed in the right direction.  As my doctor said, "we have a game plan." So what if we don't get to take the easy path, that just means we'll appreciate it so much more when it does happen. I can't describe how good it feels to finally be doing something. Instead of continuing to whine and feel sorry for myself that we're not pregnant yet, I am taking the active approach and that's very empowering. It definitely helps me to feel a little less helpless, and a little more in control. What a great feeling! :-)

Fertility Test

No, don't get too excited, I haven't been to the Dr. yet, this was merely an 'at home' test. According to the results my FSH levels are supposedly within a normal range. I say this because these home tests only claim a 95% accuracy rate and I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security...I think I will reserve judgment and wait until my Dr.does all the blood work. I trust those results a lot more than the "pee on a stick" variety anyway. If only the fertility test could have been a pregnancy test, though. It looks and works just like one. In fact, if it weren't for the words, "fertility test" on the front, you wouldn't even know a difference between the two. I say I wish it had been a pregnancy test because for the first time eveeeeeeeerrrr, I saw two lines; one lighter than the other, of course, but had this been a pregnancy test, that would have been a Big Fat Positive! So it made me a little sad that it wasn't. :( Oh well, 3 more days until D-day!

P.S. Day 4 of my period and I am still bleeding pretty heavily and having not-so-fun cramps. :/ Thank God for Advil!

Period from heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell!!!

So obviously I'm not pregnant but at least I'm going to the doctor next week so that's a plus I guess. Figures my period would finally show up after 4 months of nothing right before I go to the doctor...and boy has it come back with a vengeance! I had menstrual craps from hell this morning that left me hunched over in pain, feeling as though I was going to both puke and pass out simultaneously (Well, actually the cramps started last week, sore breasts, the whole bit, thought I might be pregnant but, nope). I realize that none of this is normal mind you, but thanks to the miracle that is Advil all the pain is now gone..at least temporarily. On the bright side, now that I've gotten my period, I can finally use the fertility and ovulation tests I have been hanging onto for months. I realize that's it's probably a moot point as my pattern of going months at a time without a period likely suggests that I am not ovulatory and/or fertile but still. I paid for them so I'm damned well going to use them; plus the results will hopefully provide valuable information for my doctor and thus point us in the right direction.  More on that later...

I suppose it's a good thing I finally got my period as I was afraid my doctor would need to give me a pill to make me start and I was concerned about possibly bleeding to death. Now nature is doing all the work on its own...yay! I am bleeding rather heavily but I figure this is my body's way of ridding itself of the gunk that has just been sitting inside my uterus for the past 4 months (I know, gross but true). At the very least this probably suggests that I am not menopausal so that I can be happy about. I have never gone any longer than 4 months without a cycle so any longer and I would really start to get concerned. At this point I am hoping for a diagnosis of PCOS and nothing worse. Though, PCOS is bad enough so if it's something more minor that would be great too. Of course, I was hoping the absence of menses was because I was pregnant despite home tests saying to the contrary, though I guess that ship has sailed for now...

At this point I am just trying to remain grateful for the fact that I can finally go to the doctor (thanks to my hubby and his wonderful job with great benefits) so that we can get this mess sorted out and be on our way to getting pregnant! Yes, I shed a few tears today, but overall instead of worrying and getting upset, I am choosing to be hopeful and optimistic in the knowledge that answers will soon be on their way...

With the new year comes new hope for the future...

Well, as you might guess, Santa did NOT bring me the baby I wanted. Took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and as usual, BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I don't know why I even expect anything else anymore... In other news, made an appointment with my OBGYN for next week. Suddenly, going to the doctor to find out what's wrong with me is no longer an abstract concept, but reality. Speculation will now be replaced with FACT and TRUTH. I know that once I start down this road there can be no turning back; once I know something I won't be able to "unknow" it. Am I scared, nervous, apprehensive? YES! I could find out things about my body that could potentially change my life forever; for better or worse. Despite the ever-growing fear, however, the quest for knowledge is a powerful motivator. I keep reminding myself that having ANY answers is better than having none at all. I have spent the last two years in uncertainty, it is now time to arm myself with information and take a proactive stance toward solving the puzzle that is my body (more specifically, my fertility). Fortunately for me, I will have the best husband in the world at my side through it all. In the meantime, I am trying to remain positive and optimistic as I tell myself that hopefully by the end of 2011 or before, we will be expecting.

Happy New Year, Everybody! May 2011 hold positive things for all of us!