Another year older and nothing to show for it

I wish I could say that a lot has happened since I last updated, but sadly, not so much. It feels as though we are stuck in some sort of holding pattern with not much going on at all. One thing that did happen? I got a year older this week. That's right, the big 2-9! I was 27 when we first started out on this TTC journey. Now two years in and I am really starting to panic! The bio clock is ticking louder and louder!

For those who don't know, my second cycle of clomid was postponed due to a cyst found on my ovary at ultrasound. I, of course, freaked out and started crying right there in the ultrasound room, both out of fear and frustration. We were told that it looked to be either a para ovarian or para tubal cyst. Para I guess meaning that instead of growing on the actual ovary or FT it grows next to. Has anyone had experience with these type of cysts while using clomid? I was told that this was probably nothing to worry about, especially since it wasn't there previously and that it would likely dissolve on its own. I asked if this was because of the clomid, and the response was it could be but they couldn't say for sure. I, of course, continued to worry (and have since). I called my clinic two days after my appt and left a message with the IF nurse asking if the RE had had a chance to look over the images and what his thoughts were (I saw another RE the day of my appt, so naturally, I wanted MY doctor's opinion). IF nurse called back a few hours later and said, again, that she didn't think it was anything to be overly concerned about, and that she would go over it with him when he was in clinic on Friday. She called back Friday morning saying that he stressed I should try not to worry about it and that we would just see if it has dissolved at my next ultrasound. I asked, "so, we think its a cyst?", to which the IF nurse replied, "that's what we think it looks like." Uh, I'm sorry, what? That's what you THINK it is? Why an I not comforted by that statement? Maybe I'm just overreacting...

Anyway, we were encouraged to go ahead and try naturally the month of April. I was instructed that if AF hasn't arrived by the 19th (CD35), I am to take an HPT (oh, fun!). If BFN (which is exactly what I'm expecting), I"m supposed to notify the clinic and they will get me started on provera to get my period going. And then we get to start the whole process alllllllllllll over again. I just really hope the cyst is gone. I will positively freak if it's not! I talked to few ladies I know who had been on clomid but they said it never caused cysts for them (cue panic!). Then, I consult Dr. Google and see that many women have developed cysts as a response to clomid. I don't know what to believe! I just know that I never had cysts previously and all the sudden there is a giant one on my left ovary!

I would love to believe that this was our month, our miracle, but after nearly two years of trying au naturale, I honestly don't feel hopeful that we will get pregnant without assistance. I want to believe, and I do have that bit of nagging hope that always hangs around, but despite that I don't feel very positive. And in spite of this, I will still cry and be an emotional wreck when that BFN comes around. Oh, and did I also mention that they day I am slated to take an HPT happens to be the day before DH's 32nd birthday? Yeah, is that lousy timing or what?! I am really dreading it. But boy would I love being able to surprise him with the ultimate gift on his birthday! Guess a girl can dream. I sometimes fear that's all we'll ever have - dreams, hopes, and fantasies instead of reality.

At least I have a lot of other life stuff going on to help keep my mind off things somewhat. I finished fall semester yesterday (hence me actually finding time to update this blog) and will be beginning my internship on May 7th! So, it looks I will stay pretty busy and occupied this summer. We are hosting a joint birthday party here at the house for hubby and I tomorrow night, so that will be a fun gathering. And speaking of our house, I now have a shiny new deck upon which to cry all my IF tears. DH and BIL did such an excellent job building it. It looks amazing and I love it!

The patio furniture is from the Martha Stewart collection (Home Depot) and the chairs are uber comfy (there are other pieces we plan to add later). We have had a lot of fun out there and we grill all the time now. It seems to be a big hit when family and friends come to visit, and is certainly my new favorite hangout spot!