So not only do I feel like i've been ran over by a bus, I also started my period this morning. It's soooo wonderful beginning your day with tears. :(

On to the 6th and final round of clomid. Why are we bothering again?

Ok, so last night I started getting a stuffy nose. I consulted dr. Google again and found that a head cold can be a common early sign of pregnancy for many women. I also thought I was starting my period last night, but since then I have only experienced minimal spotting (brown in color), barely anything on the TP and nothing on the pad (TMI Alert!).

Could the head cold be a sign of pregnancy or completely coincidental? If it is just a cold, maybe that's what throwing AF off. Sure, I'm not bleeding now, but I know that could change at any moment (she is a trickster that AF).

I was going to try and hold out until at least CD35, but if it's still like this tomorrow should I go ahead and test? I am currently on CD31 and no idea when exactly I ovulated, only that I definitely did. It is also not unlike me to have some spotting before AF, so that may be all this is.

Maybe I am just wishing too hard for symptoms. Yes, I could be pregnant, but it also may just be a result of the changing season and me sleeping with the fan on at night (lol).

Did any of you experience a stuffy nose before you found out you were pregnant? I just feel generally blah with a stuffy nose and maybe a slight fever but no other symptoms.

Help me out ladies!

Infertility in the Media

Show of hands, ladies, who would want this to be your RE? Not that attractiveness should be a priority when it comes to finding a highly qualified doctor to assist a couple in building their family.  I'm merely arguing that if we have to go through this anyway, shouldn't we at least be allowed something pretty to look at to help us through the process? Is that too much to ask? lol. Fertility doctors do not look like this in real life. My RE is an old guy with glasses (but he is highly skilled and accomplished in assisted reproduction and that's what matters. He doesn't need to be a pretty face to help my husband and I get our miracle baby. In fact, my husband is probably glad he isn't a pretty face. lol.). My point with all this is, TV glamorizes everything. Private Practice, in my opinion, is pretty good when it comes to a realistic portrayal of the pain of infertility, but c'mon, the doctors are waaaaay too good looking. So not realistic. lol. Then again, it is television, why have reality when we can enjoy the fantasy?

I was watching a show yesterday about infertility and this woman and her husband had been trying like crazy for 7 years to have a child. They had suffered numerous failed IVFs and eventually they lost their home and she lost her job due to all the treatments. If an employer fires someone because of fertility treatments, wouldn't that be an act of discrimination? My heart just bleeds for this couple. The show offered them a free round of IVF and I really hope it works for them! It is terrifying to think that my husband and I could still be at this 5 years from now. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

What portrayals of infertility, realistic or otherwise, have you spotted in the media?

Just a quick update, I am now on CD 29. This is when I started last month but so far no sign of AF. I am super paranoid every time I go to the restroom. Hopefully she'll stay away for the right reasons! My IF nurse said I could test Monday, but I'm going to try to hold out until at least CD35 if AF hasn't shown.  Where many women are obsessed with POAS during the TWW, I am terrified of doing so too early and suffering that disappointment of a BFN if AF is just gonna show anyway. Why go there if I don't have to? It's hard enough as it is.

I've had no symptoms other than the typical AF symptoms. My breasts were sore for a few days but I attribute that to the high progesterone. The really strange thing is, early this week I felt like I was coming down with something. It lasted only a day or two and then was gone. I googled cold symptoms and sure enough they can be a sign of pregnancy. Dr. Google is really not a friend when it comes to symptom spotting. Everything, and I mean everything, can be a sign of pregnancy.

Serum Progesterone level was 32 this time around. I know it doesn't mean anything because the time before last it was 26 and I still wasn't pregnant. Sadly, I don't think I am now either because it's CD26 and I already have symptoms of AF showing her ugly face. I only have one round of clomid left and then it's on to injectables. Honestly, I don't think the clomid is going to get it done, so we're pretty much just wasting time at this point. If the four rounds didn't work, what are the odds that the last two will be successful? Yeah, I don't have much hope. And did I mention we will be starting injectibles in December if everything remains on schedule? Wow, that is stressful all on it's own. Paying $800-$1,000 on meds right in the midst of the holiday spending frenzy. Crazy! Not to mention the fact that my husband will be giving me a shot in the bum every day. Did I mention I hate needles?! Oh, the things some of us endure for our children before we even have them. The way I see it, this kid's college fund is already being spent!

One thing I've realized, I'm tired of not having kids. I'm tired of my husband and I being the only ones at holidays and family functions without children of our own. I'm tired of being the one called upon to work on Halloween night so that everyone else can take their children trick-or-treating. "Oh yeah, let's ask the infertile with no kids to cover for us, she won't mind! After all, what better does she have to do?" I'm tired of making innocent posts on Facebook followed by women asking if I have caught their "condition." The way I see it, this is just your excuse to brag about the fact that you're pregnant and I'm not. Yeah, thanks for rubbing that in. I had nearly forgotten that my uterus is barren. Thanks for the reminder!

I have a friend who recently found out she is pregnant for the second time. She was actually seeing the same RE I'm seeing. It seems like it only took her a few months to get pregnant, less than a year. I know she really struggled to get pregnant the first time around and suffered multiple miscarriages before having her son. She and I both have PCOS. I don''t mean to sound heartless as I really an happy for her. Truly, no one deserves it more. I just can't help but feel, "why not me?" Why am I being lapped? Why am I the one always skipped over? Why is everyone pregnant before me? Can't it be my turn now? Just once, can't my husband and I be the ones in the spotlight? So now my friend has two little ones where I still have none. She was blessed before but is doubly blessed now. I'm sure she knows this, it just hurts that it's not me.

And I hate when fellow IFers seem to so quickly forget where they came from. I am not referring to my friend here, but sadly I know a few women who are this way. Maybe it's easy for me to say now, because I am still in the midst of all the pain and anguish that IF brings, but I plan to never forget the struggle that it took in bringing us to our unborn child. They say that if you have struggled through the heartbreak and disappointment of IF, you appreciate your children all the more. I believe this to be so true!