A fertiles advice on how to get pregnant: "Pray hard about it, start taking prenatals, and track ovulation! I just used an app...and bam! One month later, im preggo! Reducing stress too is a biggy! Just relax & have fun!" Gee, if only I had thought of all that over the last two years... Sorry for the bitch fest, but that was just too good not to post. Thoughts? Comments? Anyone else to share my outrage?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Yep, this is the story of my life. Not only did the previous cycle of Clomid result in a BFN (as if that isn't bad enough, right?), my current cycle has once again been postponed due to a large cyst on my left ovary. Gee, anyone else feeling deja vu here? So, I got to get up at the butt crack of dawn and drive for an hour to have a minute ultrasound and then hear that there would be no medicated cycle this month. JOY! You know, this one month on one month off nonsense is getting really old. It is just making this whole process take that much longer. How are we ever supposed to get anywhere when it feels like starting from scratch each time? SO FRUSTRATING! I am tired of the disappointment, Why must my ovaries rebel against me? And it always seems to be the left one, too. The right on is too stupid to respond and just sits there doing nothing. Would we have better luck if we moved to injectables or would I still be prone to cysts? My RE has not suggested this but I think we should be our own advocates. After all, who cares more than the couple going through it? My RE was in the room for literally a minute, long enough to do the transvaginal, showed me the cyst, told me my cycle was canned and then left. No sorry, no nothing. I know it's more important to have an RE who can do his job and actually succeed in getting us pregnant, but geez, a little compassion would be nice, don't ya think?!

And to further rub salt in an already festering wound, I found out yesterday that an acquaintance is now 5 weeks pregnant after only one month of marriage. Yep, ONE MONTH! Gee, perfect timing! Must have been all that newlywed sex. I don't even think they were trying and then BAM! She once said to me that she feared she would have trouble conceiving as well  Yeah..my ass! She's already asking where to get maternity clothes. REALLY?! She's only 5 weeks! So I did what any self-respecting IF-er would do and blocked her shit from my FB newsfeed. Sorry, if that makes me a bitch or whatever but I just can't deal, especially on the heels of yet another disappointment...and one that is so fresh. I have to do what is best for my own mental health and sanity. I may not be able to "block" some of the clients I work with, but I can sure as hell block someone's garbage from appearing on my FB page.

Oh, and did I mention that June 14th marks two years in the TTC game for us? Not really an anniversary I had hoped to celebrate. See, this whole thing has turned me into a bitter, seething-with-resentment-mess. I'm so ashamed. I swear I am usually a nice person. How do you ladies cope? Any advice?

They always give the spiel about trying on our own on a non-medicated cycle, but c'mon, let's be real here. Without Clomid I don't O which means zero chance of pregnancy, which means no period, which then leads to 10 days of Provera to bring it on. We will DTD, of course, and hope for the best, but really it is just another wasted month in a long and endless process. And the best part is if I haven't gotten a period by July, 11th (CD35) which I won't; I get to take an HPT anyway. Wonderful! 

So the second round of Clomid was unsuccessful. AF arrived today (CD34) and I am now awaiting a call from the IF nurse to schedule an appt for more Clomid and/or to discuss further options. After two failed rounds is it time to move on to IUI? Both times I have succeeded in O'ing on the lowest dose of Clomid (yay!), but neither round has resulted in a pregnancy. I am just at a loss. You'd think timed-intercourse coupled with my hubby's well-above-average  sperm count would result in ONE of those spermies catching the golden prize, but apparently not. I am just soooo frustrated at this point. On the one hand, the Clomid has been a success in that I have O'd twice on the lowest dose (50mg). I guess that is a feat in itself, but what good does it really do if it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy? So right now I am literally mourning the loss of a life that could have been. The blood now flowing from my body serves as a painful reminder of another egg that did not get to reach its potential. My body, my uterus, prepared a safe environment for an unborn child that did not come to be, and now I am literally losing all of that. It just seems so wasteful. There goes a potential life that we would have loved so much. Maybe some think I'm crazy, maybe others don't get it, but this is how I'm feeling right now. With every failure there is a loss of chance, of opportunity, of hope. Are we wasting our time at this point with Clomid alone? These are questions we will bring to our RE. All I know is I'm tired; tired of crying, tired of feeling the hopelessness and despair, tired of feeling like we are doomed to fail and will never receive our happy ending; a happy ending that no one deserves more than my husband. I am tired of feeling like I am the one standing in the way of the AWESOME dad I know he will be.

I am also considering discontinuing this blog. I don't have many followers and no one ever comments, so I am basically just talking to myself anyhow. Plus, with work and school I just don't have time to update like I should. The jury is still out on whether to delete or make private.