Back on Track!

Had my appointment for a transvaginal ultrasound last Tuesday. To make a long story short, the cyst is still there but thankfully my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the 2nd round of Clomid...Finally! He said we will just be keeping a close eye on the cyst for now. It is a paratubal cyst hanging off my left FT. I have been told it will likely never go away, and should it grow or begin to cause any problems it will need to be removed. I thought it was the Clomid that caused it, but my RE said he saw it even at my first appointment back in January, though it was a bit smaller at that time. So now I have this blemish, this imperfection on my lady parts that will likely never go away. I know it shouldn't be a big deal as it should not impact my ability to get pregnant (which is a good thing because I apparently have so many hindrances already!), but I don't like the idea of it being there. It feels like something foreign, an intruder that doesn't belong. Has anyone had experience with these types of cysts?

I was relieved when the IF nurse called and said that my RE decided to go ahead and start me on the second round of Clomid. I am doing 50mg again, as I O'ed last time he sees no benefit to upping the dosage. He said that if we are not successful this time around we will need to met with him and discuss the next step. I am just so grateful that we are not missing out on yet another medicated cycle. If we hadn't had to sit out last month (assuming, of course, that we didn't get pregnant) I would have been on round 3 by now and moved on to who knows what else! I just took my last dose of Clomid last night (thankfully no real problems) and now the fun can really start! I am really hopeful that this time will be a success!

In other news, I survived mother's day, the second year in a row I was not able to celebrate. For the last two years when this day rolls around I think, NEXT YEAR, next year I will be able to participate as a mommy in this glorious day! So far that hasn't happened. But yesterday, I found myself again thinking, NEXT YEAR, next year will be my turn, next year it won't hurt. And you know what, I have to (I need to) believe that is true! I really think there should be a special card section on mother's day for those of us who are trying desperately and doing all we can to become mothers! I think we deserve a little recognition, too, dammit! After all, we are already mothers in our hearts, doing everything in our power for a child we've not yet met but already love unconditionally!

It is a wonder I made it through yesterday at all. I knew I should have trusted my first instinct to stay home, tucked safely away in bed where no one or nothing could hurt or cause me pain. Well, so much for the that... The day began with my sweet hubby wishing me happy mother's day, to which I replied, why me? He sweetly responded, "you will be a mother soon."   This put a BIG smile on my face and eased the pain in my heart. I was hoping to survive the day without incident, but sadly that was not to be. Later, we went to MILs house as we do every year on this day. We were sitting there, starring at the television screen, minding our own business and praying to get out of there ASAP (I wasn't feeling well - nausea and hot-flashes courtesy of Clomid) when suddenly my MIL asks us, "when are you due?" To which my brother and sis-n-law who are also present at the time, ask if I am pregnant, to which I have to respond with a painful, "no." MIL goes on to say, "well, it sure would be nice if you were." My first thought was, "really? Well, no shit!"

Now, I love my MIL dearly, but she has this disorder in which her brain is not always connected to her mouth. I am sure she meant it as a joke, perhaps to lighten the mood or whatever, but there was nothing particularly jovial about it to me, nor was my current mood anything but light! Now, I dunno what would possess her to dare ask us such a thing, and then to have family members ask if we are pregnant?! How does she not see how painful, insensitive, and grossly inappropriate such a thing is?! On any day but most especially on mother's day. REALLY?!

At least I have a lot of things to keep me busy and occupied. My semester just started so that is keeping on my toes, and I'm busy getting my internship underway. I am really looking forward to working closely with children and generally helping people and doing good.

Wow, did that just happen?

Took my last provera on Saturday and now just waiting for AF to arrive. I've noticed some light spotting today so with any luck AF will be here at least by the end of the week. We were at dinner with my husband's parents the other day when MIL asked me when my next RE appointment was, how things were going, etc., etc. Not uncommon questions, but what followed next took me a little by surprise. I explained to her how I had to take this month off due to the development of a cyst on my ovary from the clomid. I told her I was taking some meds now to bring on AF and then when it started I would go back in for another transvaginal to find the cyst hopefully dissolved and I would then be able to begin the second round of clomid. Now, as I said it is not uncommon for the topic of conversation to swing toward the subject of our baby making efforts, I take this is a sign that my MIL cares and wants a child for us just as badly as we do. What happened next, however, was uncharacteristic and I dare say, had me a little offended. After giving her the rundown of our current situation her response was, "But do they think it can happen?" Um, I'm sorry, what? Did I just hear that right? This had me completely blindsided! Oh, and did I mention we were in a restaurant at the time?! No, that's not awkward at all... I then told her as best I could that no one has ever said it will be impossible for me to get pregnant, more difficult, obviously, but not impossible. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, perhaps it was an innocent comment, but I take it as offensive and it is a negativity I certainly don't need. I really don't need to think about the possibility of it never happening. Never is a frightening word, one which I try ever day to push as far out of my mind as it will go. I do this because when I think about the possibility of never experiencing pregnancy and motherhood I start to panic, it becomes difficult to breathe and I feel as though the walls are closing in. So in the midst of all this, when I am struggling with every fiber of my being to have hope and think positively, why introduce such a negative thought to my psyche? Never implies a definite, never means the end, that all hope is lost. Realistically, I, of course, know there is a possibility that I may never experience the joy and wonder of motherhood, but I prefer to think of it as a very slim chance. That day, the more I thought of my MILs question the more offended I became. I wonder, was I right to be offended by my MILs poorly chosen words, or was I just being too sensitive, perhaps reading into it something that wasn't there to begin with? I am going through and difficult time and rightfully, find myself in a sensitive and highly emotional state. I have no doubt my MIL had the best of intentions and really meant no harm, but that doesn't stop me from being astonished that she could pose such a question in the first place; that such a thought could enter her head space. In the midst of all the time, expense, and emotional upheaval, I need only to surround myself with positive and uplifting people; my mental health depends on it! 

In other more positive news, we know a couple, a success story of the same RE we are currently seeing, who just had twins, a boy and a girl! Anyway, the husband told us that they have a leftover vile of folistim that is still in date and rather than simply toss it out as they happily have no use for it anymore, they have offered to donate it to us should we end up starting injectables soon. This is a big deal as I have recently learned that these injectable medications are often $500 a pop. HOLY COW!!! I am so touched by this small act of kindness from people who know what we're going through because not too long ago they themselves were in the trenches. I have come to realize, however, that in the IF world, there are no small acts of kindness. It can be a hug, a conversation, or a simple comment on this blog, every attempt to reach out and connect to someone who has been where you are, means the world! Our friends are a success story, they made to the other side of the pain and heartache that  is infertility and found their well-deserved and hard-earned happy ending. This is powerful and gives us immense hope that our happy ending is right around the corner. It is proof that for every bit of negativity that exists in the IF world, there is an equal amount of positivity and support!