Well, so much for that

Well, took a test this morning, BFN which is just what I was expecting. So why then do I feel so crappy? I called the IF nurse and now just waiting for my provera to be called in. I am just ready for this whole cycle to be over and behind us so that we can start fresh. Of course, I wish I didn't have to take 10 days worth of provera just to make AF show.That in itself is just another delay. I feel like my body is playing a cruel joke at my expense. "Oh, CD35 and no AF, maybe you're pregnant, oh, surprise, you're not!" I've been living the same story over and over again for going on two years now. I am really starting to be fearful at this point that it may never happen. Oh, and did I mention that tomorrow is my husband's birthday? I had fantasized all week about having the best news to share with him, making this the most memorable birthday ever, but turns out that was once again, not meant to be.  He wants to go to dinner tonight for his birthday. I don't feel like going out or being around people in general. But I will be the good wife, put on a smile, and pretend I'm not dying inside. I just really hope this cyst is gone at my nest ultrasound, I don't know what I'll do if it's still there. And now I am feeling nauseous courtesy of my prenatal vitamin. Why do I even bother?  Sorry if this is all incoherent rambling that doesn't make any sense. I'm just not in a good place right now. Hope IF nurse returns my call soon...

Another year older and nothing to show for it

I wish I could say that a lot has happened since I last updated, but sadly, not so much. It feels as though we are stuck in some sort of holding pattern with not much going on at all. One thing that did happen? I got a year older this week. That's right, the big 2-9! I was 27 when we first started out on this TTC journey. Now two years in and I am really starting to panic! The bio clock is ticking louder and louder!

For those who don't know, my second cycle of clomid was postponed due to a cyst found on my ovary at ultrasound. I, of course, freaked out and started crying right there in the ultrasound room, both out of fear and frustration. We were told that it looked to be either a para ovarian or para tubal cyst. Para I guess meaning that instead of growing on the actual ovary or FT it grows next to. Has anyone had experience with these type of cysts while using clomid? I was told that this was probably nothing to worry about, especially since it wasn't there previously and that it would likely dissolve on its own. I asked if this was because of the clomid, and the response was it could be but they couldn't say for sure. I, of course, continued to worry (and have since). I called my clinic two days after my appt and left a message with the IF nurse asking if the RE had had a chance to look over the images and what his thoughts were (I saw another RE the day of my appt, so naturally, I wanted MY doctor's opinion). IF nurse called back a few hours later and said, again, that she didn't think it was anything to be overly concerned about, and that she would go over it with him when he was in clinic on Friday. She called back Friday morning saying that he stressed I should try not to worry about it and that we would just see if it has dissolved at my next ultrasound. I asked, "so, we think its a cyst?", to which the IF nurse replied, "that's what we think it looks like." Uh, I'm sorry, what? That's what you THINK it is? Why an I not comforted by that statement? Maybe I'm just overreacting...

Anyway, we were encouraged to go ahead and try naturally the month of April. I was instructed that if AF hasn't arrived by the 19th (CD35), I am to take an HPT (oh, fun!). If BFN (which is exactly what I'm expecting), I"m supposed to notify the clinic and they will get me started on provera to get my period going. And then we get to start the whole process alllllllllllll over again. I just really hope the cyst is gone. I will positively freak if it's not! I talked to few ladies I know who had been on clomid but they said it never caused cysts for them (cue panic!). Then, I consult Dr. Google and see that many women have developed cysts as a response to clomid. I don't know what to believe! I just know that I never had cysts previously and all the sudden there is a giant one on my left ovary!

I would love to believe that this was our month, our miracle, but after nearly two years of trying au naturale, I honestly don't feel hopeful that we will get pregnant without assistance. I want to believe, and I do have that bit of nagging hope that always hangs around, but despite that I don't feel very positive. And in spite of this, I will still cry and be an emotional wreck when that BFN comes around. Oh, and did I also mention that they day I am slated to take an HPT happens to be the day before DH's 32nd birthday? Yeah, is that lousy timing or what?! I am really dreading it. But boy would I love being able to surprise him with the ultimate gift on his birthday! Guess a girl can dream. I sometimes fear that's all we'll ever have - dreams, hopes, and fantasies instead of reality.

At least I have a lot of other life stuff going on to help keep my mind off things somewhat. I finished fall semester yesterday (hence me actually finding time to update this blog) and will be beginning my internship on May 7th! So, it looks I will stay pretty busy and occupied this summer. We are hosting a joint birthday party here at the house for hubby and I tomorrow night, so that will be a fun gathering. And speaking of our house, I now have a shiny new deck upon which to cry all my IF tears. DH and BIL did such an excellent job building it. It looks amazing and I love it!

The patio furniture is from the Martha Stewart collection (Home Depot) and the chairs are uber comfy (there are other pieces we plan to add later). We have had a lot of fun out there and we grill all the time now. It seems to be a big hit when family and friends come to visit, and is certainly my new favorite hangout spot!