Well...looks like Santa once again won't be bring me what I really want for Christmas. :(

8 DPO

So I estimate that I am approximately 8 DPO now. So far nothing in the way of symptoms other than the normal AF-type cramps. I am really starting to lose hope. Dr. Google is pretty much my worst enemy at this point. I read about so many women claiming to have symptoms 3-4DPO and here I am 8DPO with nada! Other than the on-off AF cramps, I am completely bone dry "down there" (sorry TMI), no CM whatsoever! Further evidence that we are likely out this month. I can try to deny it all I want, but I see this ending in one of three possible ways: 1) AF arrives before I even have a chance to test. 2) AF doesn't arrive but BFN. And finally, the last option and the one I am most hoping for, 3) AF doesn't arrive BFP! Anyone who has followed my blog at all knows it is not uncommon for me to miss periods (sometimes months at a time, thanks PCOS), but I want to miss a period because I'm actually pregnant. In the Past when I have missed a period, I always get my hopes up and start thinking, just maybe...which inevitably leads to the heartbreak of a BFN. No, if I'm not pregnant I would rather AF go ahead and show her ugly face, otherwise it is a sick, twisted, cruel joke that the universe is playing at my expense.

I don't know how I am going to wait 2+ weeks to finally test. Yeah, I know I could test in a few days, but I have made a decision to wait until after the holidays have passed. The last thing I need is to be depressed on Christmas. So unless I really start developing symptoms I don't see that changing. I am ashamed to admit that I am the woman who continually touches her boobs during the 2WW to see if they are getting sore - so far nothing. :(  I just really hate this. There is so much riding on this because I reeeeeallly don't want to go to that RE next month. I don't want to start down that scary, uncertain path, but if that's where I end up then I guess it's the best place for me (for us). I just feel so much pressure this time around because I figure this is our last hoorah, so speak; our last chance to try naturally.

I was watching a documentary last night about a woman who was 55 (DH 64) and pregnant with her first child after 12 years of trying and numerous failed IVF attempts. At first glance you have to admire this woman's tenacity; she never gave and finally after so many years was blessed with her storybook happy ending - a beautiful, healthy baby boy born free of any complications. Obviously, having a pregnancy later in life brings about potential health risks for both mother and baby, but both were fine and baby was perfect. Now, I am watching this and thinking, "well, if she got pregnant at 55 I guess I am looking pretty good over here;" My 28-year-old eggs > than her 55-year-old eggs. I thought, "well, if she succeeded after all that time there's gotta be hope for me, right? Right?!?!" Then the terror hit and I thought, "God, I hope DH and I aren't still sitting here childless in 12+ years with both our hope and bank account drained. Honestly, even the possibility of that outcome is absolutely terrifying to me! But this woman fought tooth and nail to finally see her dream of motherhood realized and who are we to begrudge her that?!

I continue to hope for our storybook ending...

Poll: OK, so I know I said there was no way I'm going to change my mind about testing before the holidays, but I'm curious, who thinks I should go ahead and test and who thinks it would be best to wait? Thoughts? Opinions? Anybody? I want to hear what YOU have to say...

Another encounter with a fertile....

So as the title says, I had another encounter with a fertile today. I hadn't planned on writing about it, but now I am too frustrated not to, I need to get my feelings out! Fertiles can be so insensitive, and I'm sorry to say, ignorant! My first mistake was engaging this person in the first place. I should have just let it roll on by but no, I just had to say something. Let me set the scene for you. So she says something on FB about how all these women need to stop posting their pregnant belly and baby pictures because they are giving her baby fever. Instead of letting it lie there like would have been best for me, I responded: "you think YOU have baby fever (emphasis on the you)! She then responds back with, "oh, sorry, I know you want one as bad as I do, probably even more.." Ok, first of all, probably?! There is no probably about it! She then goes on to brag about how she finally convinced her husband that they should start trying for a boy and she is very excited! Oh, how wonderful it must be to know that you can have sex one month and be pregnant the next. But no, it doesn't stop there. I then keep going with: "I am partial to a boy for our first, but honestly, I don't care what we get as long as we are blessed with at least one happy, healthy child. I"m not picky. " She then follows up with: "Yeah, I used to say the same thing, but after two girls I have been praying really hard for a boy." Are you serious?! I wanted to shout back with, "Well, I have been praying really hard for a child period!" Boy, talk about being ungrateful for what you already have. She has two beautiful little girls and yet all she can do is whine about how badly she wants a boy. The audacity and sheer ignorance of people just astounds me sometimes. This woman seriously needs to get a clue! Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive here, but I really felt as though she was rubbing her fertility and ability to reproduce at will right in my face. I definitely sensed a "I'm better than you" vibe going. This is the same woman that also said, "I feel sorry for women who have trouble conceiving, I really do, but there is a reason for it." Really?! Well, I don't know about anyone else but I'd sure be curious to know what this REASON is, especially from this woman who clearly has all the answers. You ever notice how the women who utter brainless things like this have no idea what it's like to be "fertily challenged?" Oh, but wait, it gets worse, I scowled down to see another comment that said something along the lines of, "it took us 3 years to get pregnant but I definitely don't want anymore. I am happy with the one we ended up with. I hated being pregnant."  Wow, seriously?! I know it's not my place to judge but this caught by surprise coming from a fellow IFer.  I would be happily puking my guts out right now if it meant that I were pregnant. I would endure every wave of nausea and every bout of morning sickness. Needless to say, this is not what I needed to be exposed to as I sit smack dab in the middle of my two week wait. Rant over. I don't feel better. :/

What do you guys think, am I being overly-sensitive and an extreme bitca to boot? Maybe she didn't mean anything by it and in my overly-emotional I read into things that weren't there. Jealousy is NOT a good color on me. Is this what infertility (I cringe even thinking the word) has reduced me to; a bitter, resentful person who not only can't be happy for others but begrudges them that right? I feel awful. :(

P.S. I hate IF blog terms like 'fertiles.' Why does there have to be a dividing line? Wouldn't I want (expect) everyone to be happy for me if I were pregnant? God knows I would be....

P.P.S. I stupidly posted pictures of the crib in the nursery on FB (back to that again), but then later decided to take them down. It's not that I care what people think of me, because really I don't. This is my journey and I will own it for the world to see. This is my fight for our unborn child and I will embrace every minute of it. The good, the bad, the hideously ugly, and the hopefully soon-to-be happy ending. I just decided that it would be best to avoid any unnecessary questions during this time in my 2WW as I am waiting to find out if by some miracle I am actually pregnant.

In exactly one month from today I will attend my first RE appointment. Though I am hoping I won't have to go. I got a +OPK the other day (CD 26) and am about 5DPO now. I am trying to think positive and hope for the best, but I fear it didn't work. I am really worried about suffering such a disappoint so close to the holiday (a time that is already pretty difficult for me) and wondering how I'll be able to come back from it if the news is not what I so hope for. This is really not the time for me to fall into a depression. If I do turn out to be pregnant, it would truly be a Christmas miracle! Funny that I find myself in the same place as last year, hoping desperately for that miracle, that blessing. My husband provides me with everything my heart could desire, yet there is only one gift I want, the ultimate gift; sadly he has no control over when I will receive this gift.If you told me last year at this time, that i would be sitting in the same place a year later, I would have said you were nuts! I told DH the other day that the potential for let down is so much greater when you try to time everything perfectly and it STILL doesn't happen, as opposed to just going about it blindly and hoping for the best. When it doesn't work you wonder, "what's wrong with me?" "Could I have done something differently?" "Why didn't it work?" It makes me wonder, is it better not to know? I'm really worried that I will be spiraling into a depression soon. And I don't want DH to have to deal with picking up the shattered pieces, because I know this is hard for him, too. Maybe he doesn't express it like I do, but I know it is and I think I sometimes forget that. I'm always talking about "me," when this is a "we." 

I tell myself that if I have to go to the doctor so be it, that was just the path meant for me. I try to keep sight of my many blessings, and I am very thankful for what I have, I just can't help but think of that one missing piece to an almost perfect life. I wonder when we will be hanging a stocking for our child, when we will be buying him or her presents for under the tree, when we will be sneaking around in the middle of the night to play Santa. These are the moments I wait for, and yet I wonder when/if they will ever happen. We have so many nieces and nephews to buy for this Christmas, but when will it be our own? When will see the magic and wonder of the holidays as witnessed through the eyes of our own child?

The other day a woman said, "it is God's will to bless a couple with a child, he is the one who decides when/if this will happen." So going by that logic, is my decision to seek fertility treatments going against God's will or plan for me? Interestingly, I find that women who say this have no idea the pain of struggling for just ONE child. I find these comments insensitive, and they make my pain all the worse. Am I a bad person if God has yet to bless me with a child? No, I don't believe that. My husband and I have so much love in our hearts to give and I have no doubt we will be AWESOME parents!

So right now I sit hoping and praying that not only do I not see my period in two weeks time, I don't see it because I am pregnant! I am trying to stop myself from daydreaming yet I can't seem to help it. So many times I have thought about the moment that second line appears, and the moment we tell our loved ones; how happy they'll be. I believe having hope is a good thing, but at the same time I wonder the price for hopes that are too high? Will I come crashing down? I guess time will tell...





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