Wow, what do you do when your blog isn't even a safe place anymore? This blog used to be my safe haven from all the "fertiles" of the world, but now it seems that my entire reading list is filled with new mommies or those that are currently pregnant. Not to sound harsh. I am immensely happy for each one of you lovely ladies and know how much you deserve it and all the pain, heartache, disappointments, and setbacks each of you have endured to achieve your dream of motherhood. Still though, I can't help but wonder why I keep getting skipped over. When is it going to finally be my turn? Am I not as worthy and deserving as each of you? Have I not met my quota on pain, heartache, disappointments, and failures?

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. It's sad to think that the last two years of our marriage have been spent TTC. It's also scary to realize that if I don't get pregnant soon, we will be coming upon the 3 year mark. How deeply depressing is that? I also had the sudden realization the other day that this January marks a year with the fertility clinic. A year and no progress? Again with the depressing....

 As most of you probably don't know, because who reads this? I did the max 6 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid. so that part of treatment is over and done with. I am waiting to start injections now. It has been a hassle trying to get records from my ob/gyn about whether my FTs were ever evaluated. Finally I got fed up and called the hospital where the the procedure was done and they have the records there. All I have to do is go up and sign a release and they will send the information to the clinic. So that has been the hold up as far as starting the shots. They are trying to keep me from going through the HSG if I don't have to, so hopefully the findings of the hysteroscopy will be enough to go on...

Recently, I have been watching shows like, I'm Having Their Baby and The Baby Wait ( I know, am I crazy or what?!), and it really makes me want to adopt. I want to be a mother now and am tired of waiting. Shows like this may be guilty of glamorizing adoption to a degree, but they have helped me to realize that biological or not, as soon as a baby is placed in a loving couple's arms (and often times even before), the love felt is instant. Of course, I want a child that shares our DNA, that is biologically and genetically ours. I want to go through the experience of pregnancy and all the ups and downs that come with it. I want all of these things and I still hold great hope that they will come to be, but if they do not, I have realized adoption is an option and would not be such a terrible thing. I know that I could love an adopted child just as much as one that grew in my belly for 9 months. I've realized that there is more than one path to creating a family and that some of us take the less-conventional route; not often by choice. I have realized that adoption is something I may want to pursue, regardless of whether or not we have biological children. At the end of the day, I wish to be a mother with a child to love, guide, and teach. We know it's on the table but DH and I both agree that we want to get a little further in this process and see what happens. I am still very much hoping for a success there. I know DH and I will be wonderful parents, however it comes about.